Monday, October 24, 2016

Diwali

This weekend has been about setting the home in order and prepping up for Diwali and a lot of memories came tumbling out and hence the reflective mood.

Diwali has been somewhat a time for family but not that big with Bongs hence I always found myself without a plan and often friendless. My Diwali celebrations during the years away from home has been about visiting Vaidu in Mumbai, this was my time with her, with a generous dose of practicality and reality check thrown in. It also meant to feel left out, to feel unwanted, the feeling of not fitting in. But then V happened and life turned out. He stepped in to make my home feel complete with smallest of traditions and until life finally threw us together.

Diwali now means planning weeks in advance, to putting up lights up together, to plan lil gifts and planning for puja at home. No matter how much I crib about the lack of emotional intensity (all are misplaced notions) I know its there, just that there is a different facet to things now. Sometimes you dont need a burning fire as a proof of emotions, because sometimes that fire burns you down completely. And sometimes, you meet someone who is like glowing embers which you mistake for not being there but it is there, burning slowly and steadily keeping you warm, inside out.

I may not say it as much, but that hand gripping the ladder tightly as I reach out to fix the lights, or that constant loud conversations across rooms to check on where I am and what I am up to is strangely comforting and reassuring. Festivities are not just about continuing with accepted rituals but it is also about starting something new, together.

This festivities, start a new tradition.

Happy Diwali 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

#MarriedNotBranded


I read this tweet by Twinkle Khanna and I think no one has pegged the topic with so few words. This is one of those things which is a trigger to me. No one told me, I did not discuss it with my better half and surely I had never really thought for myself what is it that I will look like, or feel like, or act like when I am married. Hence maybe I found the ‘married tag’ so difficult to deal with.

For the first six months, I became the dutiful daughter in law, being dressed in traditional on our weekends at home. While I was happy to do it, I cringed along the way. Until a major meltdown happened on totally unconnected thing, when I realized I hate being branded. Maybe that is why I never really even contemplated a name change post marriage. Did not think twice about contributing at home, doing my thing or actually put my point across emphatically (though at times not really required) that I will always be a working woman and mom eventually.

Much along the lines of what MrsFunnyBones said, being is not about being branded. Do I need tell a tale signs of being married to be or feel married I don’t think so! Took me a while to get here but nevertheless here I am knowing what I like and what I don’t. there is no set rules to go by here but something that feels right to you, just one thing, that one has to be supremely cautious not to hurt sentiments but manage them effectively while putting one’s thoughts ahead.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Dear You,

Writing this to you because you need to know this and face reality. In your bid to keep your value system intact, to adapt to your new roles and doing well, to carry out your existing roles to perfection you have lost your way. The very thing you were adamant of not committing, you did that, you lost yourself in trying to do good by all. You lost self love, you lost focus on your priorities. You became someone who is a mere shadow of who you were.

As a result you started depending on others for happiness, you expecting love, care and concern from others and forgot how to give that to yourself first. In your vain attempt at normal life you forgot the biggest lesson you have ever learnt, that in your life, you are the only one there for you. You dont have a soul mate, you dont have a confidant, you dont have a family, you had you and you forgot! Could it be worse than this? You had learnt, you believed, you pulled yourself out of the mess in the past and then gave up on yourself.

Now you need to start all over again. Learn it again! The hard way, coz nothing else seems to hit home for you.

Yours
You

Monday, August 01, 2016

Half a year gone by

Hey!

I dropped in to say that it has been half a year already, of being married. It is a strange feeling. By now I have accepted that I am not used to or comfortable with the notion of "being married". No it has got nothing to do with the fact that I am unhappy or unsettled. On the contrary I am but I guess being anti establishment has a lot to do with the notion and nothing else.

It is a great feeling to fall asleep beside someone I know is my other half, to know he is there like a shadow, who cares, checks in on me, scolds me, gets all cranky but is there! When I curl up against him and his arms comes around pulling me close, his heartbeat lulls me to sleep, I know he is 'my person' and he has my back, always. He understands when I cringe endorsing tell-a-tale signs of a married woman, he understands my most erratic of apprehensions, he accommodates my follies, recognizes my contributions and then those times when random tears puts up an appearance or gloomy thoughts clouds my mind! He is there, reading, understanding and most importantly giving space.

Living a life that has more 'ours' than 'mine' is something new and immensely gratifying. I've come to cherish our joint cooking sessions, where either I am cooking and he is around for company or I perch myself on the counter as he goes about trying something new. Creating a life together is truly a gratifying feeling, I am finally discovering 'home' anew. When all things familiar had gone through drastic changes, I know I have 'my person' right there for comfort.

No life is not hunky dory, I have to pick up after him, I keep a track of laundry and do it diligently. I plan food and cook it too and in bargain he files my taxes, services my car, and keeps the paperwork updated! Half a year you say? I think after a while time just flew! But it is a great feeling to constantly share your dreams, to plan travel, to look back to London times, to envision life ahead, to fight and make up and in all of the lil fights to build a life together.

6 months and so many more to go...  

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Hello from the other side!





Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here
-       Brad Paisley

This has been long over due. Hello from the other side, I am Mrs Anand now! Yes that is my new name, actually no! I am still called Phoenix, not a name change anywhere but just that my happiness now reaches my eyes. Much married! Okay been a little over a month but who cares, I am finally where I belong, where I feel loved, respected and where there are no shadows of the past.
Does it mean that what happened in the past was bad? No! I knew love in its purest form. But I realized, what burns brightly, burns you down too! And that is what happened with me. But now I refuse to dwell in what went wrong. I refuse to be who I used to be because it will ruin the now and the tomorrow I can live. So yes, its a conscious step ahead but with none of the bitterness of the past. I do see things better in retrospective. I understand me and all those traumatic experiences I had, I understand you better.


I’ve never forgiven you completely. May have forgiven parts when I was given up without a fight, when I did not get the love and respect that I deserved as a person but never for not being around. But today I forgive wholeheartedly, for there is no space in my life for regret, remorse or angst. I have taken a leap of faith and I intend to be true to it with my all.

Had dropped in to say that I am alive! No longer sad or heartbroken and if not anything else, I am happy in life! Hope you are too, wherever you are!

Saturday, January 02, 2016

New Beginnings

 Dear You,

You must be tired, exhausted, mentally drained, but do you know how strong you really are? All those times when giving felt tough you gave some more. Times when you felt hurt and angry but you kept the smile on. Disappointed, dejected and subdued but you kept going. Do you know how terribly bold and courageous you have been? No you are not told this often. But you need to know that is tremendous that you do and the way you make things possible, that undying energy, the spark of life, the zest to make it all work! It's great, take my words for it!

This has been an important year of your life. You came to re look at relationships anew. You got into a major relationship, which will now mark the course of your life. You found new people, you lost old friends, you gained them back and then got to know existing relationships in a new way. You have been confused, angry, hurt, your heart has been filled with longing, with want for some guidance, love and some old fashion care.

You learned to forgive yourself before you try and forgive others. It's okay you have not been able to do what you are supposed to do. There is always a next time. But don't slow now and remember the mistakes as scars. While you forgive and understand others, make sure you start with yourself.

You, a new phase is about to begin in your new life! Embrace it and not go toward it like an impending task! THIS PHASE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST YOURS TO CELEBRATE. Dont let the past cloud your mind & heart. Look ahead, for future lies there.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Do you?

How do you do it?
Do what you are supposed to do
When your heart or mind is not in it.
Do you do it still?
How did you cope with the unfulfilling feeling
that tears the heart apart?
That constant comparison
Between what was and what is not
What is supposed to be,
What is not what you actually wanted?

Do you also blink away the tears
when memories come haunting?
Do you turn away your face
Lest it betrays your emotions.
Do you also try and replace
The vacant look with a meaningful one
Do you too, wish that ahappy thought
Was there to stay?
Do you also, wish that it stopped
Meaning quite as much?
Do you too, try to make the present
Worth the while, as long as it lasts?
Do you too, long for those times
We have left behind.
Do you too long for those conversations
That left you happy and fulfilled?
Or that one look
That conveyed what words were never needed?

Do you love me still
In some forgotten part of your life
Like I do?
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you mourn the void
What was once our world?

I guess not.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Torment

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

- Warsan Shire

 

Time to time this quote comes back to haunt me. The questions that are there in my subconscious makes its presence felt. When I look back to the relationships I have had, the equations I had shared with each person, the takeaway from each of them I am left with a sense of massive loss. Loss because I have loved and lost so much, even when I was the one walking away. I had this sense of disappointment from each of these men who never really valued me while I was still around, never really took me seriously until I decided to walk away. All these men were wonderful, caring and genuinely wonderful human being but all lacked conviction when it came to me. Which brings me to the realization, that if all the men had a common flaw when it came to me must be something I did that made them all react the way they did. What else could prove their lack of conviction?

While one was intimidated by the woman I was slowly becoming, the other did not love me enough to keep me forever and one who had me forever did not want to do anything to keep there or make me his! What am I to make of this? Where did I go wrong? Did I not love enough? Did I trample on their ego making them feel inadequate? Was I never good enough?

Why do I have this nagging feeling that I am not meant for domesticity? Or the fact that I am a perfectionist will turn my loved ones away or that I may just end up with myself and really better by those who have let me down? Why is expecting someone to love you as much as you do so wrong? Isn't it strange that we are not supposed to talk about things that disappoint us, that let us down, that kill us from inside; lest it gives an ill impression of people who make us suffer, people with whom we are bound to. So like this we are destined to suffer.


Guess the only solution to this is to retreat to self, keep problems to myself and trudge along until life runs out..

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Rest in pieces

I've written this post a few times and left them mid way. Each time I wrote somehow a lot of time had gone by and the emotions had changed too.

It has been an year since I lost the most important person in my life, truly and completely. A year of never meeting but those occasional calls. There seems to be a void and dull ache. I have come to terms with my new life without him, with a new addition whom I have learned to value, new changes that I am still getting use to. If I am honest, I know I am not over Him, but I am not hungover either. I have just accepted that there will be days when I will long for those conversations, for that one glimpse in a familiar place but everyday his thought would occur, shadow me in everything I did throughout the day.

As I look back, I can't believe that this can happen, when there are no tangible links between us. We do miss each other (I would love to believe this) but there is no need for each others presence. But not being a part of each others life makes me really sad and intensifies the hurt caused by the realization that everything has a date for expiry and this is one of them! I thought we were special.

A year later I no longer need company, I donot need to be understood, to be validated, to be loved, that I am is a bonus. A year later I am more stoic, I am more collected, I measure my words more, I can put up facades and I have learned 'perfect' is perfectly imperfect and I have learned that there are times in life you have submit and compromise; for you don't get everything that you love. 

A year later I am not His anymore, I am more mine and I am more his who thought I was worthy to be his better half. I wear his ring proudly, I smile seeing his protective hand on my arm, I have learned to tame my demons, to fight the apprehensions, to give in graciously to domesticity. No i am not perfect, there are too many damaged parts, too many lil compromises, too many changes, too much of getting used to in my new life but this is it, for better or for worse!

A year and I have learned to survive and move ahead without any emotional crutches!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Winter rains and stench of nostalgia

Woke up this morning from two back to back dreams of you. It was a happy morning. There are times I know I shouldnt be thinking of you the way I used to, after all life has moved on for both of us but I look over my shoulder more often than I should, guiltily but I cant stop.

My belief in signs puts me in so much of heartache at times. Like yesterday, in at least 6 occasions your name came in front of me, be it a tweet by your namesake or a random flyer that flew on my face. I smiled, I felt that the universe was conspiring against me. It pushed me to remember two random things and the longing intensified. I remember how I used to hate going to work during my initial days in Delhi and on quite a few mornings a harmless peck would definitely get me late and not once did I have any regrets. Then those evenings I'd return home to see you in the kitchen sweating it out while making dinner. Now that I look back I am filled with so much of love and gratitude. Will there be anyone who will love me quite the way you did? Even I know the answer, maybe that is why you are and will always be my soulmate.

Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.

Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?