Tuesday, October 24, 2006

it been 15 years....every each a tear would trickle out seeing every sister keeping a fast for their brothers....d brothers cracking sordid jokes playfully but caring enough to take time out to be there for their sisters on bhai phota,to give them blessings and sharing this amazing festivity that proclaims the beautiful love and naughtyness filled relationship ...........strangely before i could even understand d true meaning of bhai phota....i was left out this one festivity....
family feud,brothers being too busy in life to come home for their kid sisters....whatever may have the reason...bhai phota was a ritual that i always craved for..but never got to celebrate it....
this time however things are different....family feud all resolved and my brother was there....like soo many other sisters i kept a fast...and my brother braved horrible traffic to just be there for me as he knew i was hungry and thristy...this yr i didnt stand behind the door smiling through my tears and tryin to throtle the longing in me to give phota to my brother.........

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


you are the thought that starts each morning

you are the conclusion to each day
you are in all that i do
and in everything i say
you are the smile on my face
the twimkle in my soul
the warmth inside my heart
the fulness in my life.
you're the hand that laced in mine
and the coat upon my back
my friend,my love
my shoulder to lean on.
you are my silly,mature,caring
thoughtful,bright &honest guy
the one who holds my hand tightly
when i need to cry.
you are the dimple on my cheek
the ever constant tingle on my soul
the voice that makes me weak
the happiness in my life.
you are all i've ever wanted
you are all that i ever need
you are all that i ever dreamed of
your precious and invaluable to me

Sunday, October 08, 2006

A New Beginning

storm clouds blown over...clear sky...calm seas....a new day has come....

i had fallen hopelessly in what i thought was love and that too with the wrong guy....result was...at the end of, a little more than a year i was emotionally,mentally and socially drained.....1st love that too lost...this is was something i just couldn't take well... several sleepless nights,starved meals,chocked sobs later i decided to stop pining for some one who wouldn't care about me...who was responsible for my then state.....it seemed that all emotions had died within me....i had lost all hope and faith from all human relationship....i decided never would i make myself become prey to earthy emotions or let anyone get the better of me...i have heard n seen enough and i had had enough....i wanted nothing to do with anyone and specially not a guy....i became stoic...this was the new me....and a new beginning for me.....

months rolled on....a new year came along bringing with it a whole new beginning and loads of surprises...little did i know that my life was about to change...forever

always keeping to myself...i found solace and companionship in my pc....world wide web opened up my life.....it gave me the opportunity to make frnds but with no strings attached or revelation of our identities......it was just whast i wanted....meeting new people and forget my grief and pain.......
it was during these days...that i used to chat with this guy....whom i thought was a dream come true and not for the obvious reasons.....he was what u call an ideal guy for sum lucky girl or an ideal frnd and an ideal son and a brother....i couldnt believe such guys were still around...here i was somewat aperplexed about men and there i found myself admiring a guy who stood up for all that a girl would look for in her man...but in hearts of hearts i knew i would never yield to such a tempting emotion of love.....i never would allow myself to feel again i promised myself......fate was smiling at my silly promises...since when man commanded his destiny............
mails poured in....answers sent to each of them....offliners exchangd...several more cards and messages later....i found my self face to face with the same question tht i had to face soo many times....'why dont we elevate our friendship to the next level,i.e lets keep touch personally...the same feeling was engulfing me...."run! run! before its late...this cant lead to anything...he is just another guy...he is bound to hurt u...this is a sure diaster...run while ure still unscathed...."thoughts came thick and fast...."i am not sure...my folks r conservative u know..."i rambled on....it was as if my tongue had a life of its own....i dont know what struck me....i asked mom if i could giv my number to my friend from the chat....surprisingly she agreed....but on 1 condition.....she would pick up the phone and talk 1st...still in a daze,i typed out my number..and in an instant he was gone.....i thought...wat the heck...this was a joke....couldnt be happening....but sumwhere deep in me,i found myself thinking....what would his voice be like??mentally i had formed an image of him....a person in front of whom i had laid out my heart and been the real me,he being the only person to see me the way i was not sum1 i was to the world......my confidate and best friend.....would probably speak to me in a few minutes...
trin! trin! ...with every ring my heart skipped a beat..."hello"came my mothers voice over the phone.....within moments mom was smiling and it seemed that she was having a good time....so is he good then...not sum1 who turned out to be fake??i rambled on to myself..while eagerly i waited to talk to him myself....
a deep husky voice greeted me as i said hello and i could belive myself.....the warmth and the familiarity in his way of speacking made me be at peace in an instant......i thought it as if we had known each other for ages.....day after day his call used to come......it almost became a ritual....slowly while i wasnt paying attention he became a part of my daily routine and my life....and soon he made his place in my thoughts and heart.......days would seem empty and colourless when his call wouldnt come....i actually found myself looking forward to his calls....we still used to chat.....then he dropped the bomb one day....i was teasing him as usual....but this time i saw him flaring up when i told him he was like an elder brother to me,since v had age difference of 3 yrs...."no"he raged on....but "y?",i asked.dont u knw......."i love you"he said.....my blood turned cold....time stilled.......i was numb......i felt as id i was falling into a bottomless pitt..."rnt u gonna say anythn in return?"what do i tell u i thought....i cant love u....ure my best pal....instead all i said was.."u dont knw me....u knw my present and not my past...had u knwn probably u wouldnt have felt this way..".....it had no effect on him....."we all hav a past raka,there r things u dnt knw abt me too....together we can discover those things...knw each other better......i want to be ur present and future...ure past is nt relevant to me...so tell em wat do think of me..".....was all he said....."i dont feel d same way...ummm...its too early...u havent seen me...and its too early to decide such a thing...this is all like an illusion....all i want is..that u remain my friend....my friendship means much more to me and i dont wanna wreck it...mayb with time i ll b with u...as of now i love u but as my best pal.........",it was all i coudl mumble..."i not goin anywhere...take ure time...u hav my lifetime to decide whether u want to be my special sum1 or remain a good friend to me"................i was bowled over at tht instant...i cudnt dare n tell him tht i was falling head over heels for him.....i valued our friendship more........

2 n a half years have gone by.....we are still together....as friends???yes and more....we are officially a couple now.....our families have gotten to knw and approve of our match.....we both are blissfully happy now...i even more because i have found my love in my bestest pal....life cannot get better than this...except mayb when we r together in the truest of meaning ..but that would take another few yrs....

so wat actually happend in our lives since i turned down his proposal???well nothing he was patient with me...he claims tht he knew i needed to heal from my bad past...and i would soon come around...but actually it took time for me to convince myself that i can and i am in love with him....well it took me almost 6 months to make up my mind tht i was ready for a relationship...then on his 21st bday..as a surprise i gave him the 1 thing he wanted from me....i told him a yes.....from then on we are together and would b soo for future too,i hope..i am keeping my fingers crossed....do u think,things r picture perfect between us..hell no!....we hav our tiffs and fights...but then thats a differemt episode...mayb i d write abt it too...but sum other time.....

our wills and fates do so contrry run,that our devices are still overthrown;our thoughts are ours but their ends none of our own-shakespear

Friday, October 06, 2006

this is a special msg to a very special friend of mine,who has been my rock,being there when i was lost n all alone,who helped me to be what i am,today.

life is not picturesque.it has its shares of ups n downs,smiles n frowns.the tough times never last long,like with each night comes the advent of a bright new day.in the same way our hardships soon pass by with the love n support of near n dear ones.its their love n concern that encourages us to move on overcoming our short commings.in my journey of life i have a friend who plays a pivotal part in my learning n healing process.i say "hav" bcoz for me,he still is my friend, philosopher n guide,who gave me a new lease of life..but, for him, unfortunately im ceasing to exist.for me our friendship will never have to face the curse of oblivion but my dedication n love will keep the fire in our friendship burning throughtout my life.the experience of knowing him has been an enlightning one 4 me n im goin to cheerish it till etenity.

when we first met, i never really knew how much ud come to mean to me in just a matter of months but den u did,n thats wats soo charming abt u.in u i found an ocean,i found strength to move on from u,lesson to live life n lots of peace n solace in u.thats y i call u an ocean,who only gives n does so without reluctance or xpecting anything in return.but u knw wat?somewhere down the months ive found the magic of our beautiful relationship wearing off.mayb soon there will b a time when i ll remain all but a memory to u.but i want my existance in ur life even as a memory to b a happy one n thats all i ask.i knw having u in my life has been an xperience i ll cheerish throughout ny life,bcoz it not only gave me pleasure but taught me loads. all i want to do is to thank u for all the gr8 moments u have given me to cheerish making my knwing u all the more special.THANKX a lot!!!u may think u n me have nothing between us n for me to forget u wont be a difficult task.but u r wrong,dreadfully wrong.does one forget sum1 who has taught one to survive in the rat race of dis world.no matter how bad n cruel i am,i knw 4 sure im nt ingrateful.wat u hav done for me,no one has done for me.so anytime u need me,u ll never find me backing off.we may loose our frienship in course of time but the fact remains somewhere ive loved u,n loved u alot,as a friend as someone who gave me a new life.im really sorry for all the times i have troubled u n hurt u but i never intended to.i knw u dnt think im capable of feeling the things u feel for me but im n have n have nothing more to offer.you think im no1 to u but sumwhere i always thought i was.silly of me but i thought so n now im disillusioned n it hurts soo much n i dont even knw why?why cant i stop feeling hurt?i dont think i can write anymore just that i want u to be happy forever,happy n smiling with not a shadow of sorrow or unhappiness to cloud ur horizon.a person like u deserves all the good things n thats what i ll always wish for u-health,happiness n prosperity.

i never felt a love

like this before

its a love like no other

something i have always hoped for

a love with friendship

humour and heart

a bond so strong

it would never part

a love that makes u smile

ear to ear

a love that is joyful

and without fear

a love that is beautiful

from inside out

a love with no tears

pain or doubt

a love with a soul

so tender and true

a love that i have found

only in u

yet again i stand at forked lanes......childhood friends n memories left long behind....i move on...................

life has surprises in store for us at every nook and corner.some pleasant while other not soo pleasant ones.in the short span of 18 years of my life i have loved n lost loved ones.they say "it is better to be loved n lost,than never to have been loved at all".i say......why do u have to be loved if u will be lost to sum1 u love?? recently i have lost childhood friends of more than 15 years.we have spent soo many cheerishable moments that our lifes were entwines with one another.now tht they r gone.......there is a vacuum.partings are always sad and disastrous but parting without a word......is even worse a fate but that is wat happened to me.

how change takes places over the years i wonder.with time people,the world,relationships and life changes.friends become acquaintances and strangers become friends.some changes are amendable while most others are not.i fall into the latter category.where my friendship with my childhood friends have changed but it is not amendable.......with time our friendship will fade into oblivion and all that will remain is frayed photographs and hazy memories.but for me my childhood would be precious and the best phase of my entire life.those days of playing cricket in the streets,or goin on picnics on cycles,the slumber parties and the attempt to bake cakes........those tears of agony over first crush..or the joy of getting our first cell phone....................all the memories will remain engraved in my mind for as long as my heart beats.how can one forget their first friends?their childhood?they r priceless and a treasure thats more valuable than all d riches in the world.my friends are not with me now and future too they wont be.with time sms's and phone calls will become lesser and lesser.albums will become faded and slam books will get dusty but the memories will remain fresh from the love,joy and laughter that we have shared................and now with them gone i am left all alone with nothing but a broken heart to heal.but in spite of all this i am happy i know at least i have the memories of having gr8 friends,there are many in life who are not fortunate enough to have good friends in life.atleast i had even for a short period of time.people have far greater problems in life......my problems are just a wave in vast ocean.........

i have left writing and its been quite a while now.....i used to be this girl who used to express her innermost feelings,views n opinions in form of writing a daily journal or penning down poems....but sadly this habit of mine has faded into oblivion....i have entered a new phase of my life known by all as "college life".....life changed drastically after entering Jadavpur University......i have evolved as a person......become more of a happy go lucky teenager....but however this wasnt what i was before entering college........i was a girl who used to b almost a high achiever in academics and sports,this had cost me a lot of friends,who thought this somehow made me vain and proud...then again there were friends of mine who parted ways with me when they thought i wasnt kowtowing to all of their wishes.....sum formed opinion i was a snob...hence i kept to myself because it used to happen so,that every time i came close to a certain person...i have been disillusioned about how true the bond actually was.......this has been repeated time and again...and i have been left alone to pick up d broken pieces and move on......such bitter experiences have forced me to become sumwat stoic and a loner..quite contradictory to what i actually am.....but my college and the wonderfull friends i have made there have changed all that....................
SHUBHANKAR....he is my best pal in college....like other i have knwn him 4 barely a few montha yet he is like a brother to me....scolding me,protecting me llooking over me....just u name it n he is all tht n more.....havent really felt tht cheerished by a friend...who would notice smallest of things abt me.giv me reminders and wouldnt even hesitate to ripp off his notes if only tht means it would help me get a good grade......he has come to mean soo much that the i feel paranoid about the day we would have to part ways....................he is a complete sweetheart
ROHIT,oh he is really what u call a genuine softie..ever helpful......he is extremely approchable....u can talk to him just abt everythn....he wont even crib if u go on n on about a certain topic when ure upset...there are times when he understands the unspoken and lends a hand without any hesitation.......he is like the comforter every 1 wud always crave for and is the solution to all probs......
NIMISHA...she is one hellva girl friend of mine...sweet cute extremely friendly...she can make u feel at home in an instant....a person who excepts all just the way there are...a person with no frills..practicle...has her head on her shoulder....she is the girl pal every girl wants....she is like sunshine in my life....goin to coll and not seeing her around makes me feel as if sumthns amiss.....havent known her long but she has come to mean a lot to me......
SHILADITYA...this whacko doesnt hav 1 serious bone is his body...always smiling and cheerful he is a sweeheart.....u cant really turn to him when ure goin thru a crisis bcz he wont understand the gravity of d situation but if u want to forget everythn and hav a good time..he is ur guy.....a fantastic human being with no complexities in mind...he is one of d most dedicated and generous friends i have ever come accross.............
SATISH........well he is a perfect gentleman...he understands the most complex and intricate situations and issues....he is this cuddly teddy bear who will make u feel protective and affectionate ....he takes on various roles in my life....he acts like brother when he forbids me from doin sumthing that i shudnt do...he is d friend who hears me blabbering my never ending problems...he is d concience when he tries to make me understand my follies..........
these people are like my family in college-a home away from home...these friends of mine has helped my blossom over the months and emmerge as d person i am....thankx a ton guys for being there for me and making me belive in the bonds of friendship once again.....had it not been for u people i wud have lived in an illusion that most friendships are a survial instict of ours,sum people we require in life to live and go on...but now i knw otherwise......friendship now has a whole new difinition to me.............................kudos!