Friday, December 22, 2006

DISILLUSIONED




Just when I thought life was looking up..and it couldn't’t get better…I was proven wrong….so terribly wrong…
.i am a very simple girl ,with certain morals and values…I believe whatever it is that I speak I should mean it..if I call myself a friend to someone I make it a point that I fulfill the duties of a friend to the smallest detail….friendship is a 24*7 job for me…I stand up for a friend when the situation demands…..take care and fuss about him/her..for me friends gave no gender girl/boy …..i don’t care who says what about me…. But more often than not I pay for being friends…for giving my all to friendship..time and again I have been hurt by people who call themselves my friend and do so only to serve their purpose…..i thought JU had given me a wonderful set of friends…weird, wacky,lunatic,helpful, caring…you just name it and they were all that and much more….but today I am disillusioned….does friendship really exist??what is friendship?why do I always suffer for being a true friend to people….why is it I am left to mend my broken heart and heal my wounds when my friends walk away unscathed…..
I have been such a fool,now I realise….i had helped a friend when she was lost when the world was crumbling around her…been there heard her out…extended my aid….worried about her well being…encouraged her to move on and more so treated her like an extension of me even when there were things about her I never quite liked and now that friend instead of clearing her point of the certain things I had asked her about; had decided to hurt me and bring up things that didn’t even concern her just to make her point strong and to hurt me…I wonder what she got out of it?is she happy? Must be I guess people are just so strange some find peace hurting others…may she be peaceful and happy then…..i was never someone who would want ill of others.i paid the price of being friends….but that's OK,because i have experienced this before and will endure betrayal yet again......
There is this another person whom I admire a lot… I stood up for him…believing that what was spoken about him was unfair…but what did I get???I incurred the wrath of a group of people and was tagged as a “flatterer” and was said that I only stood up only to be in the good books of that person…great!simply great!now I get nothing from that very person…only a cold reception.
This friend of mine…a wonderful guy no doubt…learned,intelligent but had a weird concept about friendship….that he would be there for his friends but he would never share his problems or let others help him…and then he would wallow in self pity that no one cares…when there are always people around to help to be there for him..but no….and since I didn’t kowtow to this weird friendship I am now the “enemy”…and most awful things are being said about me by this very same person....this narration is getting really gory isn’t it?
Another friend of mine….. a brilliant guy and I am proud to have him as a friend….he is just too good to be true in every way possible….but he is diplomatic.he ll do everything to save his butt, but will never be warm and be approachable...lest he becomes unpopular…maybe to him I am someone nice enough to hang out with…yeah may be that’s the way it is for him……
Now last and surely not the least…my closest pal…..he is everything I had every wished for……a brother and a person who knows me inside out…I gave him my friendship and extended my family…my mother loves him like her very own,my sister cant even imagine a life without him…but what in return did he give me……telling me what to do and what not…trying to take over my life…..unknowingly he became a threat to the one relationship I value more than my life…….despite knowing him and the way his mind works…I gave him everything I could but now what….trying to save his reputation and our friendship I am about to lose all….Futile!futile! everything is futile…no one is honest about the way they feel …they are all out to serve their person and use anyone that come their way…why why am I the one always to be the instrumental in all this…..why is it me who is suffering…. i know by writing this post i am going to hurt quite a few people reading this but i cant help...whom do i confide what i am going through...who will soothe me when i need to cry...who is gonna be there when i am feeling so let down..at least my post is faithful...it will listen patiently to whatever i need to say to confide...at least it wont betray me...will understand my feelings as it comes....if it cannot really comfort me it wont pretend to do it....it cant fake anything...maybe that's why material things such as this are more worthy than people.......

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

dont worry pal...now u know what ppl r really like....u ll b careful in future....god speed..tejas

anna-rchy said...

*hug* dont you cry tonight baby.

rohit said...

reda the post raka, i can understand what your going thru, i also kind of understood the certain ppl yu have not mentioned.... there are things yu do not know that i feel yu shud....
and very soon yu will....
this has been a shock i understand, but believe me life has to go one.. this post suddenly makes me remember my own post i had put a couple of months ago about friendship being transient, hope yu remmeber that.. well ofcourse yu do.. i guess friendship is so.. what d yu think... but not all are believe me... i am still wid mah old school frnds sad how they re still dere but the ones in Ju have such hiddenn fangs... well its best not to comment about it.....
yeah i guess im diplomatic sorry about dat.... but when things do get out of control.. i wont remain so.. trust me.. i know exactly which ppl to support.. this diplomatic tactic i take only when i am not sure what is right.. like i feel now...
but ur strong and im sure ur gonna get out of dis.. trust me

samik said...

I never knew dat u r goin thru such a lot in life.Suddenly hav i become soooo distant 4 u 2 confide things 2 me.I wish i cud have taken all ur troubles.I knw frm my experience dat its a very tough thing wen u get hurt frm ppl whom u consider ur best pals.

Raka said...

@pran
thankx for being there

Raka said...

@rohit....
now i realise how true u were yeah friends and friendship is transient...

Raka said...

@samik
sorry shona!i wasnt ina state to tell u anything but that day...just meeting u goin for the movie...trying to smile and be fine made me realise 1 thing...that i dont need to pretend be alright....with u i feel strong and fine....love u..i hope u do understand me....just this once.... i would have told u myself once i was ok with this whole thing

Dipyaman said...

Well Raka,The same kinda thing happens to almost all of us..At the time of despair,We tend to hold on to that very person whom we find is near to us.This happens cz at that very time,we usually do not have neone with us..And Later when the purpose is solved,we feel like ditching that person..in a way to get rid of that person n move forward in our life!!Der r many Evidences where u really can't continue ur relationship(Friendship)for long..Cz our mind is so vulnerable that the pendulum of our focus tends to swing on different people..The pendulum really can't stand on one single person..If u try to be too close with a particular person,then this is bound to happen..(Atleast in today's days..)Don't worry buddy..Everything's gonna be alrite..But from now on,pls take care of ur emotions n feelings!!Keep a chek before u plunge into the river of friendship..treat the person the way he/she is treating u..the moment when u'l start being generous,philanthropic,benevolent,helpful,kind...etc etc..Someone/Everyone,Will just stab u on your back and will move away..It won;t affect them i any way,though they will b the losers..but u'l b d one who will get hurt again !!
Friendship is indeed a very sweet relationship!!I think i shouldn't even dare to explain the essence and importance of friendship to such a person who has herself being the perfect epitome of this..But as ur ...(I don't know what u think of me)I wud just like to advice u on one thing!!Dn back off cz of dese petty incidents..Life has a hell lot of things to offer to u!!Happiness comes only after the state of despair..So b enthusiastic n jolly as u always r and wait patiently for that happy state in ur life!!I'm sure der will b someone or some peopleor might b everyone whom u know in ur life,they will compensate for all these grave losses which had been inflicted on u for so long!!Den perhaps some days later,we might c Raka posting a blog on "How Sweet Friendship Can be" :-)

Raka said...

thankx dippo...i ll keep that in mind...promise

Dipyaman said...

Hmm..Thats nice to hear..Always remember Raka..
Dat u might be the master of your own feelings n emotions..
But der r some people in this world,May b close to u or far away from u whose happiness depends on ur smile ..SO always try to b happy and smiling..Cz for some people u r d sole(or one of d imp causes)for their living..SO if not for urself, try to b happy for dem..cz i bet dat u cant c others crying who genuinely care for u..

DEEPEST DESIRE's said...

DISILLUSIONED --- ya the color of your letters really a illusion for my eyes
anyways don't think too much this think comes and goes by .... so its better to get it off .. you are doing alright ... thik hain
achhe se rahena !!
tc

khyati patel said...

hey..... i obviously dont knw wat happened n why.... but have u ever tried to look at d brighter side of it... i knw u must be thinkin i m crazy or sumthing... but there is brighter side to it...
frienships grow stronger as time passes by....wat a frnd says on the 10th day u met him/her will not hurt hurt as much as wat he/she says on d 100th day......

in a way it's good u got disillusioned b4 the illusion bacame to strong......
it's good u came to knw wat ur so-called frnds were made up of.. b4 they became indispensable part of u.......
in a nut shell......... see d silver lining n cheer up sweetie...

hey. i m sorry if something i have written here is worng or if it hurts you.....
i m a crazy thinker so excuse me for it....