Wednesday, January 31, 2007

they came,they conquered and they went away

yesterday was feeling blue all of a sudden without any reason...and soon i was drowned in nostalgia...memories came thick and fast...somehow i have always loved autumn and spring..the change of seasons..the smell in the air...dry leaves and cool breeze...brought back memories of my childhood days...those games of cricket...cycle rides and hopscotch...old friends.......

thinking of old friends who came who conquered and went by...forgetting everything...made my heart wince with pain...it hurts to know and realise that people who once meant and still do mean a lot...to them you are but a memory and in some cases even not that...its amazing to look back to the past and relive the happy moments with best friends who later get lost in time somehow.....

for a change i let myself feel and purge myself of the feeling i was bottling within me...for once i wasn't being hard on me by being too saintly or sacrificing....i finally realised how much hurt and pain i had buried deep withing me in a veil of doing the "right" thing...friends who utilised me and then disappeared without a trace....Neharika-was my closest pal in my childhood,we have had some amazing times together...shared our crushes,had those secret talks...those walks in the lakes and cooking together....i have been there when she needed a person to share her hurt and pain but she never looked back....Vartika her sis..was my alter ego....though she is 3 yrs younger,she is at par with me...those animated talks,cycling on bandh days or playing cricket,sleepovers and picnics....but now they have moved to a new neighbourhood and so i am no longer a part of their family...so much was the animosity [i wonder of what or why?] that they didn't even tell me until the day they left....times have changed but my feelings haven't...they are the same as they were for each one just as it has been for Anushri.....a year senior to me..she used to be my friend,confidante and guidee...but she too vanished into thin air......then came more friends....Puneet,Adrija and too an extent Somasree...lets leave aside people whom i thought as close friends but actualy not so,from here,that's a new chapter...... just thinking of these friends i was seething with anger for the first time....

i wondered why such things happened...people about whom you care a lot and they move on and forget you and you??are left behind longing for them...wishing that even if for once they would turn back and remember you and value you for who you are and what you were once to them...but all in vain...truly said by this special friend of mine..."this is a pert of growing up"...probably it is....but what happens to people like us who care for others even when their friends move along..forgetting their old friends??

Monday, January 29, 2007

CLAI

Thats me


Cheese-Pooja,Ekta,Tania,Abhinandan,Rimi, and Anuttama




UG-1 Volunteers-during dinner


UG 1 Comp.Lit in a mood to party after the fantastic results
Priyodarshi,Sayani,Varun,Nimisha,Me,Shiladitya,Rohit and Tania



Sunday, January 28, 2007

My Big Brother


i am down with fever for the last few days...its been really terrible...what with the cold,the cough and the fever....i was too weak to even get up to check my mail or blog....just that having nothing to do drove me mad...i have had bad days but yesterday was the worst...i had nothing to do all day except watching television.....what with the TV as my only companion i thought of going over to my brothers place just to spend sometime with him...he was tiried and beat froma whole week of office and was relaxing...despite me gate crashing he was caring and very understanding.....to my amazement i saw my bro in a whole new avatar...something like never before...my brother was genuinely affectionate extremely caring...well this maybe sounding weird but if you know the whole it..it actually isn't...my brother doesn't believe in displaying emotions..[runs in the family i believe] my bro is a very conservative man in his own rights...he will never take my responsibility even if he is paid to...for which we have had many clashes..where he wouldn't just take me out somewhere or let me have something i want to have....but truly to speak he is the closest to me, along with samik...to him i confide all....whether it is my problems with samik.or college...anything and everything under the sun.....yesterday his caring nature just came out when he ever so thoughtfully and in a caring way massaged my head as it was aching pretty badly due to the cold...he even wrapped me in his blanket and told me things to do and not to, to get well soon....truly this thoughtful gesture of my brother touched me like never before...i saw a whole new side of him and its reassuring to know that i have the best brother in the whole wide world....

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Cant live if living is without you
Can’t survive if you are not there
You are my heart, my soul
You are in everything I do or say

You are the thought that
Begins every morning
You are the conclusion
To my day…

How do I go on?
if you ever leave?
How do I cope with the pain?
How do I breathe without you?
How do I ever survive?

Where is the love?
That filled us with happiness
Which used to light up the sky?
And brighten up the day?

Has the magic of love faded?
Is it inflicted by oblivions curse?
Will everything come to end?
Will we become strangers yet again?

Fear grips me in its deathly clasp
Pain rips me apart
Desolation fills my heart
And kills my soul

Hope dawns yet again, says
Troubled times are not here to stay
Keep the faith and,
All will be well again.

Friday, January 19, 2007

An Eventful Day

yesterday has been one of the most eventful day of my life....getting up early i had to rush to do my chores and then manage to wear a Saree for CLAI which i did with finesse and then scoot to college...doing errands..getting print outs..gossiping cracking pj's i did it all...then came the lunch...which was truly awesome!moreover lunching with friends...was a really hilarious! a shadow of an unwanted and extremely leachous character always spoilt the mood here and there but with friends around who really cares for inconspicuous people..........

in the evening came the shock while most of us were taking a break...the results will be out in a few moments... my what a tension it was....what with samik over i surely didn't wanna flunk and that too risk him coming to know about my results but to gods grace i cleared my papers comfortably....the liberated feeling was just beyond expression.....my happiness was doubled knowing that my pal Rohit had topped our class...oh!what joy...all of us had got what we wanted..yes rohit had indeed made us all very happy...a well deserving person topped...who is not only a good human being but a good student too...justice has been done.....

dinner yesterday was even more animated and lively...samik joined our whole class and we were all gushing about our reactions to our results...pictures were taken....we were celebrating our good results and there was no stopping our endless clatter....at the end of the day..i had a sore feet and a terrible body ache but it was well worth the ordeal because in the end we were all happy...and thats what matters

Monday, January 15, 2007

kaleidoscope of happy moments

Bold And The Beautiful - Abhinandan,Rohit,Me,Nimisha and Shiladitya
JU Comparative Literature ledgelings-Shiladitya,Anuttama,Khyati,Nimisha,Me,Soura,Rohit and Abhinandan.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Wayward thinking

Loads have been happening on my personal front these last few days…. I have kept mum because I wanted to analyze the way I felt…divulging personal details on a public platform like the blog, is something that a particular someone has great dislike for…but I am sorry…my blog is my personal space to do whatever I want to with…. and on this account I wouldn’t like anyone to dictate terms as to what I should write and what I shouldn’t…its purely a personal decision and anyone having problems with what I write may stop viewing this blog altogether.

A thing that must be mentioned here is…I haven’t quite gotten over the ‘makeover’ issue…. I have forgiven the person concerned but forgotten? Well no! Because I have been scarred, and I think its unfair on the persons behalf to demand for forgiveness and for me to totally eradicated the matter from my memory… After being betrayed by people I call friends my only support system turned out to lash out to me with something that I have always been sensitive about! And it’s not a trivial issue for me. One may have committed a mistake but it is on the person who has been victimized to react whichever way he/she feels like. And I find it totally uncalled for, to demand that I totally ignore the whole issue and move on…because if I do that I’ll be lying because all is not okay with me…. somehow a series of event happening around me has hardened me… how do u trust some one after being betrayed by him? How do you put in your trust on someone you love who says one thing at one point and contradicts his own opinion in the other? …What do u say to a person who asks you to tell a truth knowing well that if u do so then you would be hurting the person?? Do you pretend that all is well…wouldn’t it amount to cheating? What do you do when you are trying to come to terms with reality and act normal and a person close to you misunderstands you on purpose??? How do u defend yourself on baseless allegations?? How do you deal with someone who demands forgiveness after hurting you?


Probably I am being difficult regarding a few issues but like everyone else I am a human being… I have my endurance level… I cannot be the punching bag for people to behave any way they chose to …… I have my ways to heal… is it right to demand things of me?? Am I not entitled to react the way I want to or be the person I am? Why is it always me who has to do as directed? I just cant seem to get my point across to a certain someone and he isn’t helping me either… the way I perceive of this situation…. soon a perfect friendship will fall apart if not anything more… I don’t want to let it all go… surely not after coming all this way… I don’t know how this person feels but I sure know how much this person means to me and I donot wish to lose someone I care about most. I just wish he would understand the trials of time that I am enduring and that it is not easy on me and I am the way I am because the situations have made me this way…. Hope the tough times don’t last and the sun comes out shining from its hiding and all becomes well again…
CSA and Pranaadhika

finally i got to meet Pranaadhika....been reading her blog entries..scrapping on and off but its nothing like meeting her one on one.....must say i simply adore her meticulous ways,strength in accepting her weakness and the wrongs done to her.her no nonsense attitude and forthright ways is what sets her apart...even though she hardly knew me in person she had maintained a very affectionate and caring relationship with me before even knowing me...and today meeting her was like meeting an old friend..After hearing her speak out proudly about her baby 'ELAAN' just proves how passionate she is about 'CSA',hearing people talk of their experiences[Rahul] and knowing factual details further solidified my resolve to work actively with ELAAN to fight CSA.....i hope Ponchie finds my CV acceptable enough to let me work for Elaan...i am keeping my fingers crossed...hope this thing works out then i ll know i have done my bit to prevent another innocent and defenceless child from being sexually abused....

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Makeover???
i came across what a person close to me feels about me on a certain aspect...it just compels me to think if i am really not presentable...i mean i don't have the frills and air and graces of a typical girl...i don't spend an obscene amount of money on my self...i don't visit the parlour often....i don't do make up nor can am i a pro at it....most often than not i am not bothered about how i look...whether my kajal has smudged or my hair is ruffled....and i think that is so me...getting dressed for nothing doesn't appeal to me but ya occasions are exceptions,i do dress up then....you cannot really call me uncouth or a total geek or gypsy girl...but then after the comment yesterday and yet again today i am forced to consider a few things... should i be a bit more conscious about the way i present myself?or should i be the way i am?will it be right to change myself ?or do i hold on to my individuality and be myself.....the comment was heart breaking and humiliating...and to an extent baseless yet somehow it has left an impact on me and now i am confused....any kind of advise and suggestions are a welcome....

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Random Rambling

Been gloomy for the past couple of weeks and I haven’t totally managed to snap out of it. I must have bored quite a few people stating how bad I am feeling.... how agonizing it all is. I have stopped howling like I did when this thing was first revealed to me and now I feel quite stable but since this heavy feeling refuses to go away I thought of venting a few thoughts that has been nagging in my mind….

I cant help but being a bit narcissistic here for once- Have been thinking what will I do for the next few months…. With the dawn of every new day a new fear clutches my heart. How will I cope up with the fact that Samik will go away?? What will life be like once he has gone…he seems to be my only shelter? My shoulder to cry upon…what is it that I will be doing after graduation?? Will I have courage to tell dad. Whether u like it or not I am shifting base to so and so city where Samik is?? Or will I be docile [I wonder if I have that in me, I have always been a rebel] and let him decide for me…. will I be able to go on with life post Samik’s departure? What is the fate of our relationship? Despite our families knowing and approving will we manage to stay together? Or will we give into trials of life? What will college life be like? If I loose friends like Rohit and Prakriti? After what happened with ****** I don’t know anything anymore…people seem to come and go and without a trace…i cant seem to hold on to them and tell them ’ please don’t go, don’t leave me. I feel scared of losing loved ones…I feel scared of getting hurt…I never seem to heal after a heart break…don’t go’ but eventually people do go away and lead a proper life apart from me…. I am not even spared a thought…. Why have people stopped being true to themselves and other people around them? …. why has the need to put up a fa├žade risen? Why have our society become so savage? Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why do I get hurt? Why doesn’t the hurt go away? Why cant I have 1 true friend…why cant life go my way…I guess its not worth lamenting over all the why’s …what will happen will happen. And bitter truth it may be but I have accepted it
There I have done it and I am feeling…. oh! So proud…. finally I got it out of me and it is bound to do me good……hmmm… at least I sure hope so…

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Yet Another Day

today has been quite wonderful actually.....picked up the form for my french classes....met my namesake from the engineering department and it was really a funny way to begin the day, imagine what it must have felt saying "raka???hi! i am raka..nice to meet you" "same here raka"
had classes as usual..though i am petrified of IC i loved her class...it was both interesting and animated....3 classes in a row..can you imagine??strangely it felt nice being back in the grind... somehow i simply love this monotonic schedule of my life... organised and preplanned....i feel secured to know what i am going to do next....found a fantastic canteen today..which serves really yummy meals..don't get ideas i didn't have much...just tidbits from friends....made a resolution to keep a check on my weight,you know...signed up for English extra departmental....then merrily missed the class....got taunted by the JUDE's for not turning up for the class and for our names being struck of owing to the fact that all names were written by the one person when each person had to sign up for the classes on their own....then a wild goose chase began finding our professor Amlan Da ....after running from pillar to post [literally so] we found him...had to beg and plead to let both Rohit and me sign up on just '1' seat that was left....we were lucky that he is a real nice man who allowed us both to enroll ourselves for his class....ah! the most significant thing worth mentioning here is 'an encounter with Diviani'....

wondering who diviani is??well technically she is my senior from second year.... i had always admired her for her knowledge of a vast number of things, along with her beauty but somehow i was prejudiced by an image that she was not really a very warm or a friendly person.... but i was wrong....you wouldn't know her until you have spoken to her and that's what precisely happened...found her a very warm and friendly person..her zest for reading is kind of infectious...there is just so much to know from her and it seems amazing that all this while i have been ignorant ......anyways had a nice gossiping session with her today,had parathas made by her mom's friend and talked on a number of things.....

it felt as if things were getting back on track for me on other frontsand i felt at peace...don't know for how long this will continue,because soon a certain someone is expected to be back and then i am sure there will some some sort of a tension and awkwardness in the air...but for this moment i am happy and at peace...what more do i want?i ll deal with tomorrow as and when it comes....

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


New Semester Begins!


Today new semester started...i was feeling very apprehensive and a bit nervous about the new professors we are going to have for this semester...we wont have the familiar faces SC mam and SDG...instead we have SCD,IC,PB,RC and Debashree di,I am petrified about IC our head of the department....seeing her my inside gets all icy...shiver !shiver! ....don't know why but i am really scared of her but i think i am going to enjoy her classes for i found her classes immensely interesting....lets hope for the best.

I have been dreading today for quite sometime now...what with the recent happenings in my life and specially after the betrayal of a certain someone but contradictory i found that the day was relatively good....so many facts came clear...its really sad to think i missed out on few obvious clues and choose to believe what was presented before me...had i applied a bit logic or had the foresight to analyse before believing then i would have saved myself from being heartbroken...but anyways we all learn from our mistakes..and had i not made these mistakes and gotten hurt i wouldn't even have known who are friends and who are foes...

On a brighter note....i find myself at peace...i have found an amazing friend in a fellow blogger called Cindy...i have kind of gotten addicted to mailing her and reading her blogs...it really feels great to know about her...her farm,her husband..her grand kids and the wonderful human being that she is....mailing her and knowing her i have restored my belief that indeed there are yet some people on earth who are genuine and uncomplicated....we may be continents apart...we may have different cultures,traditions,languages...yet we are bonded...with the same thread called love...a love for another human being...the feeling of hurt when we know the other person is going through hell and the happiness knowing that the person you call your 'friend' is happy and cheerful....i am sure glad to know such a beautiful soul like her....

Back to more graver issues......i know i have to slog this semester because i wont have anyone helping me out ...so i think i ll start early xeroxing and start studying....the only confusion remains,what ED should i take???Ive been thinking i ll be taking up french as a certificate course but really don't know what will happen?tomorrow i will submit the form and wait for the results and hope that i get through,i don't know how i will manage time...what with college till 4pm then teaching bhavesh 5 days a week and giving time to samik....and then french classes...it all seems colossal.....somewhere i think i am exerting myself but then again i am happy at least i ll be occupied and wouldn't have time to feel depressed or lonely or even get engaged in any kind of controversy....I've made up my mind...my new year resolution will be to live my life on my terms....cheers! :)

Monday, January 01, 2007

Rising From The Ashes
I had dreamt a dream
Not long ago,
To have a friend
Of my very own.

Then I found you.
my friend,
You were my
My dreams come true.

World is utopian,
I used to think.
Because I knew,
I had you.

I trusted you,
Kept my faith,
For you I stood up
Against the world.

Broke friendships,
Incurred wrath,
Lost friends and
Invited trouble.

Then one day,
Truth came out.
You are not,
What I had thought.

You were out
To serve your need.
You used and
Betrayed me

Pretending to be my friend,
You broke my heart
You gave me pain.
And left a scar.

May the world
Never know friendship.
For if this was it,
Then friendship is farce...

Why did u do this?
Why me?
Why did you betray
And use me?

I loved and cherished
You like my very own
I lost friends and didn’t care
for I thought I had you

And now I am lost
And all alone
With a broken heart
And a lifetime of agony

Betrayal and pain
Is what I got
For all the happy times
We have shared

How could you?
Do this?
how could you
not care?

I thought you
Were my friend?
But you turned out
To be a foe.

And now I will never trust
Never befriend,
Because friendship
doesn’t exist.

Freindship is an illusion.
Very utopian,
A figment of
Our imagination.

May you be happy
May all your dreams
And desires
Come true

May u not hurt
People,
Like u did to me
Pretending to be friends

Or people will distrust
friends, and hate
A beautiful word
Called friendship.

I forgive you
I feel pity
You have lost
And not me.

I will survive
And will make it through
I will be whole again.
yes, i will survive