Been gloomy for the past couple of weeks and I haven’t totally managed to snap out of it. I must have bored quite a few people stating how bad I am feeling.... how agonizing it all is. I have stopped howling like I did when this thing was first revealed to me and now I feel quite stable but since this heavy feeling refuses to go away I thought of venting a few thoughts that has been nagging in my mind….
I cant help but being a bit narcissistic here for once- Have been thinking what will I do for the next few months…. With the dawn of every new day a new fear clutches my heart. How will I cope up with the fact that Samik will go away?? What will life be like once he has gone…he seems to be my only shelter? My shoulder to cry upon…what is it that I will be doing after graduation?? Will I have courage to tell dad. Whether u like it or not I am shifting base to so and so city where Samik is?? Or will I be docile [I wonder if I have that in me, I have always been a rebel] and let him decide for me…. will I be able to go on with life post Samik’s departure? What is the fate of our relationship? Despite our families knowing and approving will we manage to stay together? Or will we give into trials of life? What will college life be like? If I loose friends like Rohit and Prakriti? After what happened with ****** I don’t know anything anymore…people seem to come and go and without a trace…i cant seem to hold on to them and tell them ’ please don’t go, don’t leave me. I feel scared of losing loved ones…I feel scared of getting hurt…I never seem to heal after a heart break…don’t go’ but eventually people do go away and lead a proper life apart from me…. I am not even spared a thought…. Why have people stopped being true to themselves and other people around them? …. why has the need to put up a façade risen? Why have our society become so savage? Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why do I get hurt? Why doesn’t the hurt go away? Why cant I have 1 true friend…why cant life go my way…I guess its not worth lamenting over all the why’s …what will happen will happen. And bitter truth it may be but I have accepted it
There I have done it and I am feeling…. oh! So proud…. finally I got it out of me and it is bound to do me good……hmmm… at least I sure hope so…