Thursday, January 04, 2007

Random Rambling

Been gloomy for the past couple of weeks and I haven’t totally managed to snap out of it. I must have bored quite a few people stating how bad I am feeling.... how agonizing it all is. I have stopped howling like I did when this thing was first revealed to me and now I feel quite stable but since this heavy feeling refuses to go away I thought of venting a few thoughts that has been nagging in my mind….

I cant help but being a bit narcissistic here for once- Have been thinking what will I do for the next few months…. With the dawn of every new day a new fear clutches my heart. How will I cope up with the fact that Samik will go away?? What will life be like once he has gone…he seems to be my only shelter? My shoulder to cry upon…what is it that I will be doing after graduation?? Will I have courage to tell dad. Whether u like it or not I am shifting base to so and so city where Samik is?? Or will I be docile [I wonder if I have that in me, I have always been a rebel] and let him decide for me…. will I be able to go on with life post Samik’s departure? What is the fate of our relationship? Despite our families knowing and approving will we manage to stay together? Or will we give into trials of life? What will college life be like? If I loose friends like Rohit and Prakriti? After what happened with ****** I don’t know anything anymore…people seem to come and go and without a trace…i cant seem to hold on to them and tell them ’ please don’t go, don’t leave me. I feel scared of losing loved ones…I feel scared of getting hurt…I never seem to heal after a heart break…don’t go’ but eventually people do go away and lead a proper life apart from me…. I am not even spared a thought…. Why have people stopped being true to themselves and other people around them? …. why has the need to put up a façade risen? Why have our society become so savage? Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why do I get hurt? Why doesn’t the hurt go away? Why cant I have 1 true friend…why cant life go my way…I guess its not worth lamenting over all the why’s …what will happen will happen. And bitter truth it may be but I have accepted it
There I have done it and I am feeling…. oh! So proud…. finally I got it out of me and it is bound to do me good……hmmm… at least I sure hope so…


Tiny Black Cat said...

hard times, girl. try not to lose yourself, your inner person. in the end that's the only one you always reach out for.

disillusioned/clueless said...

dont think soo much....take life as it comes...and u can always take decisions later....for now enjoy the life u have been shoved into wont be all too bad....

kavya said...

hey raka,hope u r feeling a bit lightheaded after pouring out your heart.
fear of the unknown always haunts us..but try to live each day as it comes..n look for happiness in watever u do n wherever u r.
hope this new year brings answers to all your why's.
take care

Raka said...

@tiny black cat
thankx for understanding..

Raka said...

hm..mayb i ll do just that

Raka said...

yup feeling way much better..thankx :)

Dipyaman said...

Buddy..U r just pondering over the same issue again and again !!Why r u thinking of the same issue again and again?Der r many more peoples whose life r even more miserable than u can ever imagine !! Always try to b happy n jolly..If not for urself but for the others who r dependant on u..Akjon jaabe..Aaro akjon ashbe..kintu er modhdhe bakirao to theke jachche na..akjonker jabar punishment tumi bakider opore kano inflict korcho ?Wass der fault?

Live life as it is !! Jokhon jeta hobe dekha jaabe..Jedin Samik jaabe shedin dekha jaabe ki hoi,ba tarpore u'l c and try to cope up with ur new life..Akhon theke kano oi bapare bhebe nijeke aar or mon ke koshto dichcho?Ai kota din to njoy koro..N Samik's going to work for u he has to stand on his feet..he has to b a successful man..Dont u want to see him happy and successful?U hv to sacrifice this little bit in every relationship !!Cz this's for ur own benefit only !!

Regarding the last few lines of this post..Jader jabar tara jaabe..jader thakbar tara thakbe..Remember Raka..Akta relationship er intensity kinto shob shomoi ak i level-e cholte pare na !!Der r times when u have a trend to go for new things which might seem to b attractive to u!!Like new clges,new friends and so on !!beneath this bhola bhala attitude of us,there is a mask of deceptiveness..We can do nething to fulfill our own ambitions..Its like Stay happy for urself(It can b at the cost of other's sadness)Akta time ashe jokhon Akjon ba koyekjon priority pai arekjon ba onno koyekjoner opore.>Tokhon u start doing anything/everything Which might not seem right to u,But u really can't help u,cz at that time ur centre of attraction is based on the former mentioned people/peoples !!

So buddy..Try to be a bit happy from now on !! Forget about all these treacheries(Spelling bhool hote pare)..Live life for the person/persons who r dere for u..Cz they really love u and cant see you sad..Stop asking n expecting from life !!Joto tomar Chahida kombe toto dekhbe..u r happy !! :-)

Always remember..
Amra ja chai ta pai na..
Aar ja pai, ta peye bhabi..amra ki eta cheyechilam..

I just mentioned these above mentioned lines cz somewhere i feel u just fit into the meanings carried by these lines..!!

Raka said...

@thankx yet again dippo