Thursday, March 08, 2007

Masquerade

The reactions to one of my earlier posts has compelled me to analyze and arrive at a conclusion that often people perceive that somehow i am "little miss sunshine" who is always happy and cheerful....it has triggered off several feelings deep within me...and one of it being sadness....its strange how people think you are always happy when they fail to read in between lines to come to a true conclusion....often people overlook the tear brimmed eyes...or the choked voice or even the the strained expression and think...oh! here comes the girl who is always smiling and is always happy,nothing ever goes wrong with her,aww!how i envy her...

what happens to the wealth of pain and sorrow that i drown within me to keep up a happy front to people to whom i am the pillar of strength?? ...somehow i have made putting up a front of being happy such a habit that i have forgotten to be "me"..being the responsible one,who cannot do any wrong...the dutiful and obedient,prim and proper girl..ah!just perfect.. and the one,one can turn to when in need...what happens to me? and my wants and desires...in the act of being politically correct i have lost track of my needs,somehow i have convinced myself..what is expected out of me is what i actually need...so,suddenly i find myself alone,with no one to turn to,no one to lean upon....maybe i have masqueraded long enough that i have started believing that what i put up is me but now its time people know me...i know i needn't justify myself...after all...this is my blog...i can write whatever i please.but i want to disillusion people about me and want then to know that it is far more difficult to suppress the natural feelings to keep up the positive feeling going than it is to be cynical and depressed...

the other day my senior and fellow blogger told me somehow i haven't learn't the art of putting up a facade or to dissimulate ...somehow when one reads my blog he/she feels that somehow i write to reassure myself...yeah!maybe its right...i do write to reassure myself...to engrave memories in my mind so that i never forget..so that even in times of unhappiness i know i have had better times...maybe its my defense mechanism...who cares!its the same old me...battered yet surviving...like the phoenix rising from my ashes...its my belief in positivism that keeps me going....but what saddens me is what people assume without even looking beyond the surface....

6 comments:

Cin said...

my dear friend... I hope you are doing well! I missed our chat on Sunday. I hope I didn't do something to upset you?? This post is a wonderful example of how wise and sensitive, thoughtful and insightful you are. Never change who you are and what you want to be. Your writing and thoughts are a gift to us all.

Priyanka Sarkar said...

hey raka
I love the way u analyse urself and life in general....the basic truth of life is probably its unpredictability.....the same "me" that was upset with life last evening has woken up with new hope today....so dear "miss sunshine" remain the way u r....tc

Raka said...

@cin
i cant never be upset with u...thankx a ton for encouraging me...


@priyanka di....
:)

Ouroboros said...

no no no....don't analyse, for heaven's sake!! its addictive and leads to much unnecessary grief!! trust me on this i've loads of personal experience.

its ok to not be able to open up in front of all and sundry and you've no idea how happysunshiny people are envied. know that, deep down, even if you're loathed from the core of their heart, you're still insanely envied because of the seeming happiness you exude.

Raka said...

@Ouroboros

hm....i ll take your word for it

MeThinx said...

Been there, seems like I have walked in those very shoes you don now...

Be yourself. Sometimes the pressure of responsibility just gets too much.

*hug*

Chin up!