Wednesday, May 30, 2007

My 1st JOB!!

I have finally got a part time job that i was so desperate in securing...its time like this when your boy friend comes handy *wink* LOL! yeah yeah samik had recommended Rohit and me for this place where he did his part time job!thankfully i am now employed where even though the salary is not impressive but will suffice..after all beggars cant be choosers and even though the salary is long way off i have feeling of security that soon i ll have money to fill up my coffers...i am a major saver you know

well ambiance is great...needless to say centrally air conditioned...thank god for that..quite a respite from this blessed summer heat...if salary wasn't a motivation enough the AC sure is :)...hmm i just have no words that would aptly describe my colleagues...well there is this girl Swati-she talks 19 to a dozen...non-stop...blah blah blah...that too in unclear,badly pronounced and extremely shrill pitched voice...seeing her open her mouth to speak heralds a bad headache...then there is Akash...young,over smart and extremely irritating guy,who tries hard to make an impression but fails miserably...Ankush...clamis to be this big shot in studies but the way he talks makes one wonder that how an over achiever like him has such poor presentation skills and ambition...Priyanka...sweet,tame and extremely pleasant...Harmeet seems like a cool chap,friendly...haven't had much of an interaction with him...the only other person in our team is my pal Rohit...well needless saying..he is my saviour,comfort and motivation to this job..had he not been there probably i wouldn't wanna go back there :)..another of our common friends is in all probability going to join us in our work place...and that sure is reason enough to feel relived....but from the looks of it...its going to be a long 2 months....

Sunday, May 27, 2007

the story of my birth and my MOM

today was one of those rare days....when my mom and i shared a heart felt talk....one must be wondering...weird!mother and daughter are meant to be close whats so special about a mother-daughter talk...but my mom and me aren't every close,we share a very cordial and a hate relationship...basically i have been closer to my dad than mom,and several attempts of her's to discipline me has all gone in vain and it is with her i had major fights that just fell short of blows!:D

i had always half suspected my mom to be partial to my sister...no matter how wrong she was..despite being the black sheep of the family...no matter what i did i fell short in her eyes...and to speak honestly i didn't ever matter because my father was the one,whose opinion and appreciation mattered most to me,always...we [my mom and me]co-existed in mutual ignorance...but of late i have noticed her valuing me for what i am...probably she has realized that she has a 19 year old daughter who is on the verge of leaving home for first,studies in about two years and then in time to take her place with the man of her life....

this afternoon as we chatted about my nervousness about the course my life is taking...the job i want to do...further studies and then my being with samik....she then narrated to me the story of my birth....soon we were chatting away...how she was told by my father that she would bear him a son[who thought my mother wanted a son,which wasn't actually so,and to comfort her he told her that the doc had told him that indeed he would have a son],how much of an ordeal it was for her to be pregnant with me and taking care of my sister,who then was quite young then managing the house with no one from my father's side to help her out....the agony of labour she endured whole night until it was morning,so that she could wake my father...to see her mother[my dida/grandmother] bed ridden due to stroke..who in turn could not be there when i was born...how my dad dropped her off in the nursing home and had serious business to attend...those lonely hours she spent all afternoon,evening and then night until i was born at 5.10am in the morning...almost 27 hours of being in labour....and the tears that she shed seeing me and feeling hurt that my father had lied to her regarding me...elated as she was to have a girl she couldn't get over the fact that my father actually lied regarding the sex of the child..her second born

hearing her narrate the gory details of my birth....suddenly i saw her in a new light...all these of growing up..i practically hated her...being a rebellious tom boy..i have broken her heart...refusing to go to concerts that she held close to her heart...ignoring the tears running down her face because i said things tad bit rudely..i have never given her anything on mother's day nor did i wish her...never did i even mention that she meant anything to me....but now...hearing and almost feeling the pain she went through to just have me,with no one by her side..she she was alone she let me be alone...she had me despite the ordeal she went through...has melted me...i have understood her better...maybe i ll never hold a candle to her first born..the child born out of her youthful courtship and first love...but i know ll still be me...her daughter....the person through whom her dreams will come true...i too will remain close to her...for it never happens that a mother never loves her child....late as it maybe i have realized it...

this is my shy and embarrassed way to express just how much i value my mom for being there in my life...if you hadn't been there i wouldn't have been alive.

thank you ma
love you loads

Saturday, May 26, 2007

random

in this journey of life i have come so far that when i look back i see a long trail of old friends...friends with whom i have had a fall out...people who just came and went away and hordes of memories good and bad....its amazing how my blog now is my best pal...to whom i can speak all without even having the fear of it judging me...late into the night or wee hours in the morning....in leisure or just before exams...i am often found punching furiously on my key pad...needlessly said i have evolved as a person during this journey of life and blogging.....i am much more confident and secured regarding my creation...

today is one of those days when i am nostalgic...of nothing particular and everything...from my grandfather who was a great inspiration in my life...suddenly i am feeling guilty...the sole person who was proud of me and my achievements...who believed in me and my abilities...and i even though small never went to bid the final goodbye...

i am reminded of this friend of mine called neha...our chats together...those solitary walks...when we dint speak much but we said it all...sleep overs or cooking sessions...fake study times together to those late night calls...we had it all..but with time everything has been left behind....old friendships were forgotten..

friends from school....lost in the pages of slam books and scribbles on t-shirts...those girlie talks...reading Mills and Boons...and mimicry in class...1st crushes and pangs of heart being broken for the first time....

playing cricket on the roads...to hiding behind cars during hide and seek...those scoldings from mom to come home and study....dreading the results and finally all my childhood friends shift out and slipping away from my life.....

those endless nights...muted sobs....staring into space..and a heart that bled over my first ever supposed love...that's the end of love i had sworn ..all in vain :) for soon samik came along...and my life was changed,probably forever....

meeting samik's mom for the first time...being petrified....apprehension and tension....but now its so different today i saw a part of her that i didn't expect....she was more like my mother than samik's...the loving hand on my head...her affectionate ways...all has been a part of the growing up process...

from a tomboyish girl...to a girl who read mills and boons,dreamt of having her "mr perfect"..the realization that nothing perfect ever existed...the man hater and then to a person very much in love...a girl friend to now a daughter to two most amazing people....this transition has amazed me...somehow i had always had the fear gnawing within me that adjusting to new people other than my parents would be an impossible task for me...that i wasn't capable of loving a person and keeping him for the rest of my life..now loving samik's folks as my own...and being their daughter....from a stoic to a hopeless romantic...from being extremely unladylike to being the daughter and the son of my family...has been so amazing...and when i look back i feel stunned...could i have really been like this??its surprising that sometime in life i couldn't imagine a life without school and now i cant imagine life without college and friends within it...i know there will be a time when i ll find that even college hardly holds a candle to the life i will be leading...but nonetheless this is life...its divided into phases...one succeeds over another and we outgrow each phase to habituate to another and then this way we move on...this is the rule of life....

yawawn....
i guess its time for bed now...
enough of rambling for one night....
goodnight people..

Friday, May 25, 2007

kartography-kamila shamsie

i have been reading Kamila Shamsie' Kartography in my spare time these days and i must say it is darn exciting, especially because its written on a backdrop of Karachi,an unknown place an unknown time. Set in the Eighties and Nineties in one of Pakistan's largest cities, it is a tale of friendship, love, betrayal and anguish. Karachi is just as important to the story as the two main characters, Raheen and Karim. For those who lived through those years in Karachi, the novel serves as a bittersweet reminder of a difficult time in a beloved city.

Thirteen years old, Raheen and Karim, are best friends who’ve been together since birth. Their winter holidays have just started and their plans of spending their days roaming the city with two other close friends, Zia and Sonia, are being spoiled by their parents. Nervous about the safety of their children as the ethnic violence escalates, the parents are planning to send them away for the holidays.

what is refreshing is the idiosyncrasies which is so similar to Indian value system and culture...one would automatically assume that since situated in Karachi its a story of violence,a very conservative picture that mirrored the society...but one is pleasantly surprised that its a wonderful image of a refine,modern and extremely well educated society...a picture of a society very similar to the one's we live in..dispelling a lot of misconceptions that we have of an unknown land...

As the years pass, some unpleasant truths are revealed and the four friends are forced to face bigger issues in each of their lives. As children, Raheen and Karim could read each other's thoughts and complete each other's sentences. But as they reach their early twenties, events from their parents’ past put them at odds with each other and their lifelong friendship at risk.

With the parallel story of Yasmin, Zafar, Maheen and Ali who are the parents of Raheen and Karim, the author touches on another dark period from Pakistan's history. The four parents have known each other since their college days when they lived through the civil war which resulted in the creation of an independent Bangladesh in 1971. That year has haunting memories for the four parents. It is also the year in which the parents swapped partners yet managed to keep their friendship alive. Raheen struggles to untangle her parents' past which is colliding with her own world.

The novel which starts out at slow pace soon becomes difficult to put down. Kartography is a coming of age story of four friends. Shamsie’s characters are vividly portrayed. Each is very different from the other. Though mainly a story about Raheen and Karim, Zia and Sonia are every bit as intriguing. The flashbacks to the parents' college days are revealing of another time and mind set. Karachi is portrayed as a complex city, lively and dangerous. One thing is for sure, as a native, Kamila Shamsie is in love with her city and manages to invoke in the reader a longing to experience the vibrant life there.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Life in A Metro...


Anurag Basu's Life In A Metro that sets out to deliver a realistic and unpretentious look at the lives and emotions of a handful of city dwellers in contemporary Mumbai. Indeed a good attempt specially after GANGSTER....

life in a metro is all about the fast paced life that people life each day.....RAHUL.a call centre employee lends his flats to his bosses for their escapades in hope of a good recommendation for promotion,to make his fathers dream a reality,who falls in love with his colleague and boss's mistress:NEHA...also an employee..sleeps with her boss and hopes that someday she will find someone who would truly love her....SHRUTI...30 and a virgin...looks for a potential husband finds the repulsive MONTY....she then falls in love with her boss RISHI...whom later she finds out,is a gay....MONTY even though appeared a lech turned out to be a good friend and helped her cope with her crisis...RANJIT...cheating husband and a male chauvinist...SHIKHA,house wife forms a friendship with a struggling drama actor:AKASH...and shares a informal relationship and is rescued in time before she commits adultery...

Unlike Basu's previous film Gangster , Metro isn't an all-out dark film, but has sufficient dose of witty humour that basically comes out in the Irrfan-Konkana track and the initial reels for Sharman's story. A must mention is Kay Kay for being the epitome of male chavinism of an egoistic husband. Indeed the show stealer, for you hate him, detest his very sight, all thanks to a terrific protrayal. As for the much in controversy Ms Shetty, she does manage to deliver a fine performance a step ahead of Phir Milenge.So what goes wrong? First, the half-baked Dharmendra-Nafisa Ali story that deserves a better end and then Kangana who one fine day wakes up to be with Sharman. As for Shiney Ahuja he deserved a more meaty scene.

MUSIC:
Ever since the film Metro [now rechristened Life In A...Metro] was conceptualized, it has been in news for multiple reasons.....It comes in the wake of Anurag Basu's critically and commercially acclaimed film Gangster, It has Basu joining hands with country's one of the top film making houses UTV Motion Pictures,Last but not the least a lot is expected from composer Pritam who has delivered Gangster with Basu and together the duo has promised a new sound in Metro by making a rock band.

Looking at Pritam to revive the music industry that is lying low for some weeks now, one plays an all-male album that has singers as diverse as Adnan Sami, KK, James, Soham, Suhail and Pritam himself. Apart from these singers, others who make the band are Niladri, Kalyan Baruah, Jim Satya, Titu & Eric Pillai.

genre of soft rock!music is soulful,poignant and heart wrenching.....is a must have in all music lovers collection....Alvida,In dino,Kar salaam, Baatein Kuch Ankahee Si ...are songs the suit all moods of a loveer...one cant help but instantly fall in love with the music...it makes you cry...throw caution and just dance or even long for your loved one...its thats powerful....

Due to unplugged nature of the song, the entire focus of 'Baatein' is on Suhail with just a guitar being played in the background and the singer doesn't disappoint at all. Coming on his own in this track, Suhail announces his arrival and ensures for himself that he has a longer innings in Bollywood.

my rating a 4 **** and a half stars for a brilliantly made film...a must watch...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

House Party!!!

khyati's parents have gone to Baroda...her house was empty..since exams are now over....we as usual were in a mood for some real fun....a day long unlimited unadulterated fun was what we required,and with the things planned and the way things worked out was something i guess all college goes have gone through...and those who haven't ...are missing out on a lot....here's an account of what happened....sit back and savor the bits and snippets of what just happened....

time:11 am, venue:khyati's house

i reach her house....no one had arrived yet.....khyati and i chit chatted...and soon others poured in..soon cards were brought in and played....animated conversation was carried out,and without even realizing we were having great fun...what with khyati's corn salad to much on...yummy...it was one helluva ....20 people...1 house....no chaperons...and no one to check us....screams yells....laughter rang through out the house....

time:3pm...

it was lunch time and we ordered food from out...soon news papers were spread on the ground paper plates given out...as we all sat down to lunch....eating together like that...cracking silly jokes over food...was one happy sight....

4.15pm...
sky darkened...and a thunder storm followed....the guys sat down to a board game called business and others huddled together for a round of planchet...first few times were unsuccessful but with the previous combinations..we were able to call a spirit....and he/she answered our questions.....and for those of you who have doubts...this friend of ours asked the initials of the person who loved him the most...and the answer to this was unknown to us...and to his astonishment it came out right...with the whole atmosphere spooky...pitter patter of the rain against the wall...sneha,nimisha and khyati made some amazing coffee....UNO was played....and all of us made ourselves cosy and we chit chatted......

6pm....

past few days our group has faced some major misunderstandings...some blameless were accused...and a person majorly got hurt...the class sneak did his bit to add fuel to the fire....to spice the whole thing up...result:major problems....since all of us were present...the topic was broached and cleared..voices were raised...points clarified...class sneak having been caught at his ploys resorted to tears for refuge...but in the end...everything was cleared and we promised a new beginning....

7.25pm
we decided to have some real fun by playing some games....blowing the paper was the game chosen...the games goes like this..a person takes a piece of paper and passes it to the other without using hands...and if the paper fell one had to give a peck on the person he was passing the paper to....first many were shy,ashamed and embarrassed...but being the whacky fun loving group we are...we started having fun...where earlier the paper fell continuously and there was a lot of cheer and giggles...later it turned out to be even more fun with the paper hardly falling....we mastered it...soon it came to an end....but everyone confessed to having a good time...nobody took offense and all was taken in good spirits...then came the game of tag...where each one had to speak about others using just one word that he/she associated with the others.....ahem ahem...i was flattered needless to say...hardworking,sisterly,caring,gold mine..hehe...was one helluva time!!!! soon we were in splits....soon delicious pasta was served...and we all began to dig in...

10.45pm..
the guys all left..and nimisha,sneha and me[the ones who were staying overnight]changed..and then decided to go out for coffee and dinner..that too in shorts...hehe....o my!!it was awesome..sitting with coffee and food..almost close to midnight all on our own...and since the guys had already had their gusy night out,this was our chance to get back at them and have our own little fun!! :D

sometime way past midnight..
we kept chatting or rather flirting with mr intellectual...and it was hilarious!!!bacardi breezers were opened and along with it we snacked on chocolates...

4.15am
hunger strikes....pop corn was made and we dug in ice cream....more of girl talk followed...bitching,gossip and more confessions followed...crushes...flings and relationship...we talked about it all...and no matter how sleepy nimz was...poor girl hardly got any...and that too way after 5am.....

7am....buzzzzzzzz
the alarm goes off...i get up...but on persuasion of nims i went back to sleep...mom called in between....im bugged....beeeep!!!!sms comes.....9.15 am...shit we are late...quickly i wake nimz...we hurriedly get dressed and pack our stuff..a note is scribbled...and off we went...we both had deadlines to reach....

i came home...rested..finished some work...and got dressed and left for a movie with friends...well thats another post!....but sleeping for barely 4 hours in a stretch...with my body aching...and absolutely log tired...i am happy...we had a blast and truly a wonderful and apt way to unwind after the grueling exams!!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

tears of pain!!

its all in a silent tear....which makes its way down....clenching the heart gripped in pain and unbearable agony...when night comes...and everything is calm..with no one around....it comes out from it hiding place bringing with it the first sense of being alive...it hurts!it hurts damn bad...drowning in the bottomless pit of agony i let my tears purge me...to cleanse my soul of all the wrongs done to me...i swear a thousand promises and a thousand more...but i succumb time after time...despite knowing the fate...and when the tears put up an appearance i know i have failed yet again...hurt increases manifolds and agony rips me apart....silence of the night is punctuated by my muted uncontrollable sobs....a never ending charade it is...tears!tears!tears it is,that makes an outlet of escape....betrayal,misconceptions,desertion all find escape through tears...tears of pain....puffy eyes and soggy pillow sheets..yes these are tears of pain...pain that makes your heart burn with anguish,the numbness that spreads through your veins and the tears that washes all desolation away...

night after night...i toss and turn....i bury my face into the softness of my pillow and in comfort of my bed....i let the darkness soothe my senses....i let the go of the bottled emotion within me....i allow the memories to resurface..and the pain,flow....then wave after wave....in torrents they come....coursing its way down my face....i clutch my sheets...and let it all go...i let the tears flow....images flash in my eye...words ring in my ears....heart wrenches a notch more...i cling to my sanity....i hold on to the hope...i cry silently...as the pain and hurt overpowers me.....in the darkness of the night my grief finds expression in the tears of pain!

in the light if the day...tears of pain masqueraded in smiles and good cheer...pain is forgotten even if momentarily in chores and errands....laughter drowns the cries within...but when the day runs its course....and the night sets in.....with people turning in...their crawl out from their hiding places...tears of pain...soon the sobs subside...and slumber looms ahead threateningly...tears dry leaving its soggy trails...as a new day dawns...pain lurks into the retreating shadows...as i let myself drift into that sweet haven of respite from this harsh harsh world!!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Serious Thinking

The last exams finished yesterday...and now i am officially in second year...it really feels like in a blink of an eye the whole year whooshed past...we were puny first years just months back and now we are seniors..... meeting this friend of mine...being best of pals...then the dawning of the truth...and then again a new beginning...a whole new friends and a lot of fun.....this past year has been truly eventful!!!

with the new year,now comes a time to prepare ourselves to decide....just about two years to go....its time i make decisions as to what i plan to do next in life...a masters or a job....my friends will be giving their GRE or TOEFL ...they are already chalking their 7 yr plans...in this summer hols i ll make up my mind..short list the courses and institutions i want to apply and start preparing myself for the tests....many may say there is no need for such slogging so much before..but then if you are in the group i am...time whizzes past...and soon i ll realize that there is no more time left...i now have to take responsibilities for whatever i decide to do next...admission test are never easy..and to compete with the best all over the county for masters level will be tough...all the days of fun..will be there and along with it will be my preparation ...with samik gone too..i ll get more time to focus...its better to focus on something constructive than lamenting over my grief....and seeing my friends doing their bit to get ready to face the world i have found the courage to actually take notice and do the needful for a better life ahead...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

TAGGED!

people i am tagged yet again....but this time i am keeping my promise and i am not taking up any tags....kindly leave me out and sorry for hurting sentiments...if i did then it was purely unintentional :D

PS...no more tags please....further tags will be ignored

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

CCD pics!!!



ok..the finally the pics have come..and i thought since i have already posted about the fun we had at CCD...why not give my friends a peak into that days fun????guys..this is our whole gang....some couldn't make it..and those present there swear they cant forget it....all 9 of us....hogged our heart out and drove people at CCD wild.....with a bill of just rs 862...and if we go by khyati's words we ll go back and break our record!God have mercy! LOL! :D

Above-riya,shiladitya,soura,abhi,antoreep,khyati,rohit,me and ipshita

Monday, May 14, 2007

Pangs of separation!

Tears prick my eye
I need your arms to hold me tight
I need you to tell me
Its ok….it will be fine

Walk with me a thousand miles
Hand in hand
Waves lapping at our feet
Tell me you are always gonna be there….

Drown me in your love
Let me forget about tomorrow
To remember and cherish
These moments of you being near…

A new dawn will break
Let me steal a few heartbeats
Let me live a thousand lives
While you are still there….

Will you forget me once you are gone?
Will you love me the same?
Will you remember our times together?
Will we survive the pangs of separation…

Tell me it’s gonna be ok
Tell me we’ll survive this
Tell me you’ll come back to me
Tell me I am not alone

With or without you I can’t live….
Love me like there is no tomorrow
Let me live in your love…
Let me feel it running through my veins…

Hug me…kiss me….
Fill me with hope….
Whisper to me that you’ll come back again…
Make me strong to endure the pain

Dry my tears
Conquer my fears
Love me…. o love me
Make me whole again.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

100th post!

when i first began blogging i thought i had lost my flair..i used to blog in a different circuit that too was ages back and then rohit[my pal and college mate and also a blogger] asked me to comment on one of his posts...seeing his post i felt motivated to write again...and from then began my tryst with blogging....

my blog is my safe haven....my space..where i can be just me....my blog keeps an account of my journey of life where i write to commit to my memory the beautiful moments...so that someday i can look back and remember just how happy i have been....there are also not too happy incidents too...but then it is there for a reason too...when i look back i hope to see my mistakes...and i hope to learn something from it and then be a better friend more than which a better human being ....its also a culmination of my ideas....about life,people society in general....there are hordes of other stuff about friends,samik [my bf]hmm family....and it has been a revelation of its kind....

some people say blogging is just for voyeuristic pleasure ...but to me my blog is an extension of me.....and blogging is a therapeutic experience...by writing my thoughts i have purged myself maybe at times hurt,pain grief and sometimes of unwanted memories...somehow writing my experience have made me realize things i may not have come to know otherwise...so to me my blog is like my best pal...who just hears what i have to say,when i have to say.......and the comment tab..with all my blogging friends posting their views is like the therapist who advices you when you are lost,disillusioned and confused and more often making you see a different prospective to the same issue....

reading other posts on other blogs...have at times humbled me...made me think of issues which i may not have considered before....despite being spread out in various parts of the world we are all alike..same life and same problem...and more than which same expression:through blogs.....i have met some amazing friends in this journey to 100 posts...cindy,rajeev,steve,lisa,sharad,nefty and more recently jeya....these people whom i have hardly met...but reading about their lives....their experiences and the beautiful expression of ideas..though poems,stories,art,graffiti...seeing them i have found courage in putting up my poems[if i may call them so]..i have been insecure when i started but i am not now...i have found courage,strength in my soul....and a whole new confidence in this magical world of blogging.....i know two of my special friend,samik and ipsy is dying to try out blogging too...and this makes me feel worthwhile that seeing people blog they too has been inspired to write and pen down their thoughts.....

thank you everyone for taking time out to read my posts...to comment and make me feel your presence....its been an amazing 8 months of vigorous blogging and for those who are heaving a sigh of relief!i am not done yet...this tryst with blogging will continue...sometime more frequently and sometimes not...the journey of life lies long and it is long before i halt!!!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

alot can happen over coffee

After a long long time yesterday all of us..yeah the whole gang went out together....it goes without saying it was whole lot fun! My god! it was seeming as if the whole of CCD had eyes only for us. Couples and elderly people all alike, we were the cynosure of every eye.....laughter rang every where....everyone was having a good time and digging in to some delicious food and drink....chocolate fantasy. tropical ice berg....sandwich...puff...chicken wrap...yummy....more than concentrating on the food. and savoring the taste...we laughed as if there was no tomorrow...this was one of the best times ever...so many of us huddled together....finally one plan to freak out worked.....


it seemed like all of a sudden the smiles were frozen in time...khyati enjoying her ice cream...shiladitya naughtily looking around...abhi casually stretched out..rohit sipping his coffee was taking all in....souro was up to tricks..and antoreep as usual on this horny act....ipsy and i kept chit chatting as ria looked on...khyati's digi cam came handy yet again...as scores of pics were taken...

all of a sudden I became nostalgic....I wanted to freeze the moment in time. The look of pure glee...the smiles...the naughtiness...the playful chiding...it really felt bad thinking that since we are officially second years now, two more years to graduate. And then we ll all go our own way..some will stay behind but others invariably move on.....we just dont have a choice.....ju has given me some great friends......and these are my possessions for a life time....times like this how i wish pictures were much more expressive...i wish they could capture the feeling. The feel of that moment...the thought process...

i wonder why people come and go from our lives....they share some exceptional moments ...in school we meet friends...some stick on for life others move on....school life changes into college. more great friends and more fun...but then this phase too doesn’t last....one just has to move on....we are compelled...however much we want to cling to it we have to let go...we shed tears feel the loss but in sometime it becomes a part of us. and then we realize that while we were not looking we have adjusted to this new phase in life...and that’s how life is...the only ever thing that is constant is change. no matter how bad or cruel it is...it just happens...i know i am feeling awful now that someday i wont be with my friends anymore like now....pictures will fade. pages will blur....e-mails will be scanty but the memories will remain...i'm sure they will....and the binds that are formed now will last...world thrives on faith...and i have faith in these wonderful times and beautiful people...maybe we all will meet someday...old and haggard...reminding each other the time of our youth...these wonderful moment s will be relived again....

Thursday, May 10, 2007

friends forever...

the gloom has lift....
and i know i am not alone any more
cloud of misunderstanding
and distrust,has been cleared
and we are friends again.

my perfect world had been
eclipsed by a shadow of misgivings
but a simple touch and
a simple word,did it all

friends are opportunists
i used to think
not all are,i know now
exceptions are there

simplest of gestures
kindest of words
touched and melted my heart
and mellowed my pain.

i m not alone he said
showed me he cared
tears flowed out of love
and was soothed and dried tenderly

such tenderness and thoughtful
gestures coming from a guy...
full of fun and none of seriousness
though a surprise,touched me.

exceptions are truly the rule
not all are malicious they say,
but others are out there
to use and abandon you.

love makes you insecure,
and attachment vulnerable
but once the veil is lifted
its the same old friendship

this post is for two of my bestest pals in college...specially shiladitya who took the trouble of coming over..talking it out and making sure that i am fine...showing me for the first time ever that he cared...it meant much specially since i was going through a lot and this is my small way to show how touched i was and just how much it meant to me..thanks a ton shiladitya..for being there and for being the pal that you are..

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

oops i did it again!!!

yea i have done it again...and now i am back to where i was...yeah...hurt and bruised....after the fiasco last sem...where i was heartbroken because...truly my best pal then,betrayed and hurt me....i was devastated...and extremely heart broken....i had learnt a precious lesson...i had then decided that i wouldnt get attached to people who pretends to be your friend but isnt so actually....and this way i ll prevent myself from getting hurt...thus making up my mind..i made a new beginning this semester...

this sem i am back to where i began....in this materialistic world where people just use you to move ahead...where emotions hardly have any value...friendship and companionship is just another excuse to manipulate and use you....i being really poor at the art of deception and dissimulation gave my all to this new group of so called friends....gave away my personal note book of notes to friends..there was nothing called my personal notes..my internal answer scripts were xeroxed and distributed..i slogged hard to complied notes and others just used them...i dont mind helping my friends,giving away my last dime or my last morsel of food...but the least i expect is,them being nice to me..after whatever i have done....despite several problems i arranged study meets at my place...spared time for friends who needed me before the exams...attending to numerous calls...several suggestions..and explanations late into the night....and since the semesters are over now..i am of no use to them.....alas!i didnt learn any lesson even having undergone so much last semester..... i did what i told myself i never would...i got attached to these selfish people...and now i am hurt!

there is nothing really to brag here,for what i did,was for people i considered as friends and friends did that for friends and as for lamenting over this,i shall feel not sorry about all this...just this time,i know i am wrong...i did everything to deserve this...but this time i have sworn to metamorphose into a "better" person...a simple girl cant survive in this big bad world...the world just forces one to change to make us a part of it...no matter how bad this may seem but this is reality...the innocence,unpretentious and unassuming spirit is never appreciated...everything is done in order to make a person change...in the end the person is forced to succumb....maybe this is life....where people move about masqueraded as friends..on a lookout to use the next person who came along!beware people it truly is a big bad world

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

horrific experience..but its done and over with..

finally the honors papers are over and i can breathe a sigh of relief...my god!i cant imagine myself being such a wreck all day yesterday with the last four days of not studying...yesterday the pressure to finish my course was mounting every hour and every minute....and i was still in my own sweet world..lost and distracted...and with zero interest to study...huge argument with samik added fuel to the fire....and i was totaly devastated....but finally late last night that got resolved and i finally felt the kick....what with the syllabus being less...the options to answer questions too were restricted..god!i was in a mess.....i slept for just an hour...woke up at 3 in the night and sat to study..with my other pals online to keep my company at regular intervals!it was one hell of slogging....reading and re reading yet the pieces seemed not to make sense....somehow i kept going and managed to finish reading my course without remembering anything.....i knew i ll do horribly and i was resigned to my fate...what was worse was the rain found it appropriate time to pour!just when i had to concentrate on studies the whole atmosphere became very poetic...a sheer favorite of mine...torrents of rain and the smell of wet earth......

question papers were handed out in college i knew what was coming and i wasnt scared....my whole course was fused like anything...but then somehow i managed to write and i finally realized that i actually remembered something...1st answer took me 1 hour 10 min as to the 45 min i alloted to me...then i scanned through the paper and did another answer which i was sure of....my god!that too in 30 minutes with just 20 minutes to spare for the 3rd and last question that i was meant to answer...i have no idea what i wrote...whether i understood or not....it was a total disaster...but then the paper is done and over with i have nothing to worry till july...till results are out...now all i have to do is pass my ed and then i am free...yay!its time to finally have some fun!

i found out that a cousin of mine has just had a baby girl and even though we have been wronged by them..i am still feeling elated by the news....job hunting for the summer is on with no success yet!loads of plans are being made hope at least a few works out....and yea after yesterday i have learnt a lesson....i am not ...not even in a million years...no matter what...be lackadaisical regarding my studies and leave it for the last moment...i am usually not that way but then mood swings sets in..but not anymore from now..i swear!

Monday, May 07, 2007

a new dawn!

Pulling the lapels of my jacket close
I make my way through the streets
As tears courses down my face
My heart wrenches and cries out
It over at last!
The pain will go away I
Consoled myself
Three years is a long time
So many memories…
So many dawns and sunsets!
Then one day the end came.
It had to I reasoned
It wasn’t worth the pain
He didn’t love me as much as I did
What now?
How do I survive?
I let the rain wash away my tears
I let it purge my soul and
Drown my fears
Yes there will be a tomorrow
And the phoenix will rise again!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Happy Birthday Cindy!

Cindy has been my blogger friend...companion and guide for quite sometime now...we connected over blog space and we are friends ever since...i really thank god for the fact that he made Cindy find me by chance,even god has his way of uniting people..and i am grateful to have such a wonderful human being as my friend...calm,wise and extremely uncomplicated thats Cindy for you..a friend who is always there to calm you down and listen to you..someone who doesn't hesitate to love because there may be no tomorrow...a genuine giver...Cindy is all that and much more and my best friend both in blog world and in reality....despite coming from different cultural backgrounds..and the difference in age we have connected like no other...and now i can proudly call her my alter ego...and now that this wonderful soul turns a year older there is wishing you loads of happiness...may all your dreams and desires come true...and may success prosperity happiness and all the joys of the world belong to you...
with lots of love and kisses coming your way...here is wishing you...

A very happy birthday Cindy!!mwuah

Saturday, May 05, 2007

chilling out...

finally two out of three honors papers are over..and thankfully they werent that disastrous as i had thought they would be...now the only hope is,that the teachers are a bit more benevolent and grant us more marks so that we get a 60% comfortably...thankfully one more to go and then the whole summer all to myself..and soon it will be time for the new 1st years to come and we ll then be the seniors....yay!

yesterday was one of the most toughest papers this semester..so after the exams went well...some 10-15 of us..stretched out on the feild and just lazed after a hectic few days of vigorous studying...it was actually fun just lazing around and making poor rohit search frantically for his cellphone or even playing truth and dare..where people were made to do weirdest of things...it was hilarious...it has us in splits..but the main entertainer was antareep.....what with him being in a good mood...he virtually raped another friend of ours...should have seen a very petrified abhi being ridden by this friend...the helpless squeals and the peals of laughter from us...the look of absolute glee on antoreep and the shocked and embarrassed look on abhi was worth million bucks!it took us quite sometime to get back to normal and what with a rohan,the class sneak finally under our thumb..making do an awkward strip tease which may have entertained us on different purpose wouldnt interest anyone else...sweet was the revenge!..thankfully i didnt fall prey to this weird dare game or i would not have just as much fun as now while relating the incidents... what a great way to unwind after tremendous study pressure...

Friday, May 04, 2007

To Dada,With Love....


the one thing that i had longed for,all my life was that of a brother....how i would envy my friends and my mother[she has 3 brothers]..those days when i was almost moved to tears because i had no one to fast for on bhai phota..or tie a rakhi on...how my heart wrenched just seeing my cousin,knowing of his existence aware of him being around and yet not having anything to do with him;for our families were having a feud and i was denied my brother....then again fate took pity on me...she made things go back to what it was before....and i was the happiest girl alive,i had my brother.....the whole experience of finally having my brother made me feel scared...scared that i may loose him...there was this ethereal feel to it..as if i half expected this dream to end abruptly only leaving more heartbroken than before...months turned in a year...and finally i believed that my brother and me will never be separated on mere family feuds...we had forged a bond beyond anything that our families could cut off....but fate must have smiled cruelly at my delirious happiness..for my bliss was not to last for this lifetime....another issue drove a wench between our families...and here i am at crossroads.....oneside is my family and the other my beloved brother...i cannot choose between the two..and i am not compelled to....i would have been blissfully happy thinking that my bond with my bro was an undying one but i was wrong...who am i fighting for?its like fighting a losing battle....i don't know if this is just an illusion or not....if my brother is reluctant to keep up his side of this relationship i wouldn't know what to do....i don't know if i would be able to survive this loss.....

there have been countless moments of fun and laughter...and not once did we speak of our feeling for each other..we never expression or talked about what we want to do if a situation like this arose....and now when this seems like a dead end,there is nothing left to do....just only a hope that despite the issues our relationship remains intact....and if even if that is a tough task then at least to keep alive the memories of our happy times and to hear the unspoken words that express just how much i love him and just how invaluable he is to me....to me he will always be the coolest bro,my best friend and my confidant and guide....a person who is just indispensable to me,a person i cant live without but i would if that kept him happy...those days when he patiently heard me rambling my problems,giving me advice...pulling my leg...trying to anger me...all those times when i hid the fact that he was smoking or him letting me take a puff on the eve of my 19th birthday,just to show he knows that i have grown up...those conversations on the stairs...and puchka treats and those long walks....will always remain precious to me...and it is the memory that i steal...i may not have my brother around...but i ll have his memories to last me a lifetime...this last year with him was the best ever....

in life if ever you feel you need me you ll have this sister to fall back upon...make no mistake of that..i ll never scorn you...you are and you ll always be my coolest,sweetest and dumbest brother ever...love you loads dada,i ll always miss you.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Lessons of life

In this journey of life,the process of learning never ceases...with smallest of incidents and largest of issues..it is didactic in nature...people come and people go but they too have a lesson to teach,and just when you think..you have finally learn't all and there isn't much you have to yet learn,you find out that this process of learning in never ending...till you are alive,every new dawn and every dusk will teach you the secret lessons of life....one who is perceptive and intelligent is the one who will readily accepts this knowledge and the ignorant..well they let knowledge pass not knowing just what it is that they have lost....

In my 19 years of life i have always learn't the lesson hard way...i have been hurt and heart broken,betrayed my friends and taken advantage by my peers..no matter how tattered and bruised i have always picked up myself,and then made the onward journey,hence,the blog title-"phoenix rising from the ashes"...just when i thought that i have seen it all..nothing worse can happen,it happened;only to show that learning is never really over.I found out that learning never ceases..life has a lesson to teach every time...and this cyclic process of learning will never end..so no matter how much i try to see the exceptions in bad,to smell fragrance in artificial flowers...or see the lining on every cloud...the fact remains the same....no-one is your mirror image..they are different....it is difficult to find people who are true to you just like obtaining oil by rubbing sand together...often people befriend you to take advantage of you..others who shelter you during your crisis may seem like savior and friends initially turns out to be even bigger opportunist who first rescues you from hell only to push you back into it later....i wonder how many smiling faces and sweet words are a part of a well rehearsed facade....just when i thought that last semester ended by teaching me an invaluable lesson in friendship...i was proved wrong...there was more to come...i guess this is life...it points you in your eye that your emotions and trust is something best kept to yourself...only let out it is bound to land you in a tight spot...

as always last 4 months have taught me to be even more mature and to add another page to my journey of life and yet another lesson to learn about humanity and people whom we call friends....and this journey is not over yet...and i know as i mature these pages will increase and maybe someday..i may as well learn something from it and not do things that i keep promising myself i ll never let myself into...maybe some day i ll learn to art of dissimulation...and hopefully then i ll be a part of this world where everyone plays a part...and its all about masquerade...and it is indeed the survival of the fittest...