Sunday, July 29, 2007

surving tough times....

last few days haven't been really favorable for me...rather far from that,nothing seemed to go right...not just mishaps that occurred to me...people around me were far from understanding...shoving words into my mouth or just misinterpreting...the few those who actually there were tremendously valued....then dad's health...managing office full time...learning the ropes...my other errands...from doing the chored to daily shopping and then losing an amount of money which took me ages to save up.....people who are happy with whatever less they get or those who get things in a platter wont ever know just what it meant to loose that some of money and if that wasn't enough people who call themselves friends just not being there to "understand" you.

in my time of crisis no one was there....yes u heard it right...no one was there....i distanced myself from all..just going to college just before the class and leaving straight afterward....yes i took myself away...because everything happening then in my life was requiring that of me no one came up to ask what went wrong or why suddenly i was absent from the social circuit...days i spent the night staring up at the ceiling with sleep evading me and the knot in my chest tightening a notch further....no one bothered to sms or call....yet these people are the ones who never got tired calling me even before exams to inquire about something....this friend whom i thought was closest to me choose to leave me alone in my time of need for he thought i needed it...yet i was the one who always stood up for him in front of my friends who made fun of him..never did i hesitate to be there for him....yet no one was there for me.....the few who was there proved their worth...unconditionally they were just there....no words of pity or sympathy...silently just there,behaving as if nothing happened...and that preserved my sanity....

then this one cloudy evening..the knot tightened even further and i couldn't take it anymore....i sat on my roof top...with clouds making the sky murky...as it slowly began to drizzle and then pour....i just sat there numb....alone but at peace...strange how i never broke down even one in the past week or so...i bottled it all in....i silently suffered as people laughed at me...and my emotions and now i laughed back at their ignorance...i pitied them for the things they had and never realized,which they lost all without their knowledge...i prayed that they get the gift of knowledge to know the truth....truth about people,about things..finer and greater things of life,which they ll never know...for their souls are polluted and much worse complex...they roam about with a facade....like a chameleon they change colors to suit each situations....they put up with people they dislike only to use them in future to move ahead..mercilessly treading over any kind of emotions that may have come in their way....it is thus their loss and not mine....i have given my very best...they never knew how to receive it...and they will never know how much they were valued but not any more...and you guys still think you can usurp me???never!!you will be indebted to me!!get away will you wronging me?think again...o dear!!you have no conscience...you ll never know.....

this dear friend rather heartlessly drove the truth home...and i saw myself amidst the mist and i knew where i went wrong...i ll be forever grateful to her for showing me my follies and guiding me through the gloom and blinding mist into that cleaning where i know just how to lead a better life....when in Rome do as the Romans do..the point was taken.....and the lesson hopefully learnt....

PS- thanks a ton Ipshita, Samik and Minko da for being there against all odds...and specially to ipsy ..... i have been apprehensive to write about my recent happenings....not because i was afraid to incur the wrath of people....but because i felt my true feelings will get exposed....masquerading has never been my forte.....i have decided not to delete my blog but since i ll still maintain it i have a new set of rules specially regarding the people who are officially permitted to visit my blog......above mentioned people are always welcome on my blog and so is Khyati who even though wasn't there but made her presence felt.....and so are all my "blogger friends" and others??? well they can just
find newer avenues....and if they are still lurking...well they know they are not wanted here and that snooping is not really a good thing to do...

caio!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

harry potter and the deahtly hallows


Harry Potter and the deathly hallows is the last book of the series...for those who are reading this and fearing that i may spill the beans can heave a sigh of relief!for i am about to do no such thing..this is by far the most interesting book after my favorite:goblet of fire.the tension mounts with each page that you read,its almost heart breaking....i am simply loving this book..a few more chapters to go and i have been reading non-stop all night yesterday despite the fact that i was dog tired and today i ll miss 2 classes to finish it...but finish i will....

i was introduced to the world of Harry Hotter by this uncle of mine...who then made it his habit to gift me books....i will probably be indebted to him all my life for initiating me into Harry Potter books when i was in class 6...its been7 years since,my uncle has left for the heavenly abode but my love for harry potter and Hogwarts have not faded...almost at the threshold of being 20....i find the enthusiasm still in me to read and to and take my fill of this magical world...i remember sobbing copiously when Serius black died....even more when Dumbledore died...then wishing for the hundredth time Ron and Hermione actually became a couple...laughed hilariously at Fred and George's jokes...it was all so real to me...away from studies..friends...troubles and this mortal life...where pictures are static and chocolates don't change their taste....i love Harry Potter....a simple boy with the burden of the world upon his shoulder....i could identify the sorrow and grief that he went through...now that i am all grown up and i know that such world really doesn't exist and its all a fiction but somewhere i would like to believe...that Harry lived..to vanquish the evil....every time evil will show its deadly fangs a Harry will be born to save mankind....it actually feels terrible that there will be no more of Harry Potter and his magical world and that this is The End.....but Harry shall be mortal....his magic shall live on for generations to come....our kids shall grow up to love Harry too and someday i hope i will be gifting my collection of the Harry Potter to my kids....but then thats not until for a decade.....but the presence of Harry Potter will be missed....and J k Rowling shall remain an all time favorite children's book writer of all times....thank you Miss Rowling for the gift of Harry Potter

Sunday, July 22, 2007

dilemma

Things are going downhill from the last few days...and its been a really tough patch...friends became strangers all of a sudden and the place i once considered heaven once now seems like a prison cell...and the problem lies with me of course...i have been toying with the idea to either stop blogging or deleting this blog and have a new one...too many people i know personally read this...and NOW that unnerves me...and despite not liking it i really cant do anything about it...for all those who read my blog and know me personally or virtually,know that i write whatever i feel,and one who knows me will know just what i am talking bout in my blog.Masquerading my thoughts and emotions had never been my forte..so now even more i feel vulnerable...i am at a loss what is it that i should do?should i delete my blog and start again?any comments is highly appreciable....i have been listening to this song called Let It Be -Beatles and it somehow has soothed me in my time of need...ending my post here i'm leaving you guys with this song,tell me how it was and your suggestions....

Friday, July 20, 2007

I Love You

read this amazing post in katie's blog...about how in the daily course of time we forsake our loved ones...and forget to tell them how important they are to us...sometimes ego sometimes fear of losing the loved one makes us hold back the three precious words : "i love you" ...sometimes even amidst a huge fight just these words can make the worlds difference...so many times i held back...because i felt saying it would make me weak..but deep within i know just how invaluable and essential it is to have samik in my life and just what it means to have him love me back...there are 13 reasons why i simply love him and why life is barren and colorless with out him around....

  • Its the safe haven of his arms that assures me that i can make it through the tough times...
  • He allows me to be just "me"
  • He is the anchor in my life..making my life stable
  • When the world turns its back to me...he is still there holding my hand...
  • With him around i feel like making a difference
  • He taught me to love again
  • He rescued me from me...
  • Made my life worth living...
  • He fills me up with a sense of belongingness...
  • His smile makes me the happiest girl alive
  • He makes every day a Valentines day....
  • He brought music and poetry back to my life
  • Simply because he is "My Samik"
For all those who are in love go on write down the reasons as to why you love your loved one....tell that special someone...remind yourself and declare it to others....just how precious he/she is to you...make a difference..spread the smile and love... saying "i love you" doesn't need a reason...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

what do you do?
when nothing seems to go right!
what do you do?
when people you trust?
turns out to betray you!
what do you do?
when there is no-one to be there for you?
what do you do?
when you realize that everything in life is transient!
what do you do?
when all you want,is to give up!
what do you do?
when tough times seem to last forever..

nothing!you just pick yourself up...dust off the bad memories....hold onto the lessons that you have learn t and just move on....it is time to grow up!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

So long Farewell..


i saw you one day peeking through the curtains of your room,watching us play cricket 10 years back...and i had to convince you to join us overlooking your vehement protests that you simply dint know how to play cricket....and that marked the beginning of an everlasting friendship..bonded in childhood,together we grew up..and along with it evolved our friendship...we shared almost all our"firsts" together...first night stay...first cooking session...first shopping spree alone and so many more things....those late night talks....boy friend woes...those days of saving each dime to give each other christmas gifts....card making sessions....those games on the road and a friendship that lasted through a whole decade.....

in the years of growing up we have been distant yet near...the frequent night stays became rare....we started dating...our boy friends became the top most priority...from the triplets: you me and putu we became fragmented...but whenever we met it was just like old times.....the undiluted fun and sustaining friendship.....today as i let my mind wander down the memory lane....dusty memories ....beautiful images and cobwebed thoughts come back to haunt me....as the train takes you a thundered miles and then a hundered more far away from me to a distant land...my friend more like my baby sister is going away.....it seems like yesterday you came up to me asking "what do you know about s**?" and i in a flustered state tried my level best to explain about the birds and bees...you have always been my sister...from arranging your closet for you...to trying your hair into braids....from lending you clothes for a party to scolding you for doing something that you shouldn't...and even defending you in front of your parents...its been an awesome time with you...and the realization that you are going away to study elsewhere my heart aches painfully...rivulets run down my face....as i wish for the millionth time you were here with me....with you gone the last of my childhood friends and key to my golden childhood is lost,maybe forever,others have all grown up and gone away and the house we played in has been broken down and there now stands a huge multi storied...

Putu, Tua and Me

i am glad you didnt see the unshed tears in my eye when i told you to take care...im glad you dint notice my nails biting into my palms painfully as i packed your clothes with utmost love...i am glad you dint see my strained expression with my heart dying to beg you to stay...you no longer are my baby sister i scolded myself....you are going to pursue your dreams....and i kept silent drowning my pain and anguish with ramblings about the things you should do and shouldn't....

in the distant land maybe you wont have the comfort of putu or me soothing you when you are upset....lending you a patient ear to your problems....or even offering you the advice you terribly need but then you will have our loving thoughts...priceless memories of our childhood and two friends back home who are waiting patiently to welcome you back and who is endlessly worrying about you and praying for your well being.....

love you tua.....
will miss you loads....

Friday, July 13, 2007

stressed!

I am tired and totally stressed out….college has reopened finally and instead of feeling relieved and happy one week into college I am totally beat! I have Italian classes 3 times a week which this week I merrily dint attend simply because I couldn’t and wouldn’t…..then there are the tuitions that I give….that takes 3 days and the last two days, that is the weekends…well…it is allotted for samik….well that’s that and it leaves me absolutely no time for me…I don’t get to read my books for pleasure.. nor do I get time to do studies for college and with the time crunch I actually no time to pamper myself by sleeping in… worse still my dad has fallen Ill.. and what with my mom being unwell too the burden falls on me to run errands help with the house work and do my own routine….and before I forget attend office for dad and run his business for him before college… as if this wasn’t bad our servant is ill too, and is on the leave… so my chores now include washing my own dishes and doing my own washing…damn! what with sleepless nights and office and college and studies and tuitions and chores I am a living wreck…with mom giving me a hard time…..my life has suddenly become 24*7 hell where nothing really good ever happens…..

Campus life too is dull and uninteresting…what with us being the seniors now…all sixteen of us are hardly found together, all are scattered here and there all over….even classes seem to be a bore and extremely loathsome…moreover I don’t seem to connect with anyone except a very few people…I miss my pal who now seems a virtual stranger to me and the magic that I thought would sustain everything seems to be fading…. Others are people I hardly recognize as friends….they just seem so alien to me all of a sudden…and the only few people I am now comfortable with, I sense this huge dependency on them which I don’t quite like…because clinging onto people had never been my way…

The one relationship that means much to me seems to have lost its magic and now it seems so hollow and inadequate…I want more I want things to mature and since my needs are not satiated there is this feeling working within me craving for more and the fact somehow I am not getting what I desire I am feeling like a vagabond wanting to break free and realize and make the other person comprehend that there is more to life and one should strive for it…and achieve it too…nothing in life should be done in half measure….

There is this overwhelming desire to be alone and brood and just be me and being the person I am its tough to answer questions about why I am suddenly acting so strange….there is no plausible explanation to why I am feeling so selfish and so non caring…maybe I have had had too much…I am saturated….life is taking a toll on me… suddenly I want to give up all care and live life recklessly as I used to…answerable to none but me…being isolated from all connections…something inside me feels dead and mutilated…. and the feeling is treacherous because it makes me disregard the things or people who meant my world and to whom I mean much…I have no clue as to why I am feeling the way I am… I don’t know what caused it… I was never the one to give in to temptation and this time too I won’t succumb but I so hope that whatever it is just passes soon so that I can go back to being me…cheerful and happy.

Monday, July 09, 2007

the bong connection!!!


The bong connection is all about coming back to roots....ANDY returns to his homeland in kolkata to his grandfather and his passion for music...in hope to retain the rich culture that bongs have to offer in terms of baul gaan and rabindra sangeet.....on the other hand APU travels to New York in search for greener pastures.....in his motherland ANDY learns the nuances of a city life...the politics in music...the shrew mentality of cunning,plotting relatives who just see their profit in life..sentimental values nor culture means a bit to them....in the end ANDY's jethu breaks down and submits to his nephew saying...if only he had a son like him life would have been better...despite being the man who had nearly driven him out of home saying his was the son of a selfish brother who refused to look after their handicapped father...APU in a new country and a new city finds a lot of probashi bangali[bongs who live abroad]he gets mugged...walks in on his roommate making out with his gay partner...almost makes out with this unknown girl from the bar...still the bong connection worked....it refused him from giving in to the non bong population...Gary, his boss a probashi himself who had metamorphosised into an American and surely not a bong in the end surrendered defeat "Apu is always aporajito" he had said ["Apu"the name here is symbolic for Apu is the famous character of the ace film maker Satyajit Ray, was always undefeated]

The music was absolutely brilliant...with the OST - the bong connection and majhi re...was really melodious but "pagla hawa" with the holla hoolla was a real bad attempt at fusion...a true bong wont ever accept Tagore's masterpieces being such badly handled...

According to me...the movie was a bit abrupt in parts....witty one liners and typical bangla kothabatra and masala made it seem real life...with glimpses of the city....Park street,Flury's, Ramkrishna Mission and Someplace Else....all in all a good entertainer...a great crossover movie that definitely brings one back to his roots......

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Apna Sapna MONEY MONEY !!!

Since I have blogged about almost everything connected to me I however think it’s extremely unfair not to write about my spending habits… people have strange habits when it comes to spending….some spend money or balance ….some are stingy… and the third category of people… that is methe saver. This I am sure is going to make many laugh and many wish that they were like me, but, straight from the horse’s mouth despite being “the saver” its almost like a an illness…..

I get a decent pocket money…to most it will be a fat one…. But since I get the money on a daily basis I feel extremely handicapped because the amount I save could be more if I had been given pocket money like most in the beginning on the month…. A fear always works behind me that I haven’t saved enough of that the target I had set for me to save hadn’t been reached yet…or the fact that I haven’t had time to visit the bank to deposit the regular amount of money that I vowed that I would in the beginning of the month… little by little I have quite a niche… but even that doesn’t seem enough….its not as if I am a miser and that I don’t spend …I actually do…I go dutch with friends and samik… I indulge in shopping for my necessities ranging from clothes to earrings, bags to shoes…. Just the thing that matters more is saving up!

Recently my dad required some immediate cash that he would return once the back would open on Monday, since it was the weekend …. He first quoted an amount. Seeing his hesitation I asked what the actual amount was that he wanted and he reluctantly replied…and I said I’d help him out since I have an ATM ....he nearly fell off the chair…in amazement and shock…because as far as he knew I had deposited an amount 9 months back while opening an account even during the course of a few months he hadn’t even dreamed that I could almost double the amount….aint i a good girl!

People who are close to me know that I am a bit dishonest when it comes to taking money from dad regarding college fees…and why wont I? its just my charge, to take transport money which in turn is also my pocket money lol! What do I do with the cash? simple I save! If I donot have a decent amount stashed away…I feel bankrupt or rather worthless… and this anxiety is not a make believe thing…I actually spend sleepless nights to think how is it that I can improve my finances…where this particular friend of mine keeps urging me to take a cab home or even buy that ipod I have been craving for or even the cam cell…. I give a nonchalant nod and give a knowing smile and say “naaaah!...nothing doing gotta save up!”

Thursday, July 05, 2007

rainy day

I woke up with pitter patter rain drops on my window sill…I pulled the covers up and snuggled in…the sweet haven within my bed is a welcome pleasure with loaded pressure of the past month or so….when I look back I feel proud about me…this past one month I have suddenly grown up…I have stayed active.. I have done a part time…had a blast with friends…helped dad in office…and its really remarkable that I survive on a petty amount of cash on two whole months…its no great feat for me because I am a BIG saver…but despite the nagging thought of hardly anything to save and a shoe string budget I can now heave a sigh of relief! College starts in 6 days time…so does the influx of pocket money :D..


Wearing a faded blue jeans and a baggy tee I sit by the window…and type furiously…feeling extremely happy and moody at the same time…it feel good to brood…and its hard not to.. what with the romantic weather …just perfect to sit and let your thoughts take flight….with a steaming cup of coffee with legs curled in within me…it seems absolutely heavenly to close my eyes…smell the coffee and feel the warmth seeping through the cup onto my palms.. Rain makes the whole atmosphere somehow a whole lot chilly…and nothing like coffee…I notice this change about me…earlier while in school…despite being a very school loving kid who hated to be absent I used to hate rainy days because it made me gloomy…now I simple cant pull myself out of the spell of nature….be it rain or moon or breeze…I associate smells and feel,to memories and feelings….


Like a larvae evolves into a caterpillar and then into a beautiful butterfly I have evolved…become more mature…. Strange how in my childhood I was tagged as “the girl who was bright but didn’t work hard enough to prosper”… always an underdog I took every snide comment into my stride, I knew someday I ll prove that I am not a worthless fool… I knew that someday I ll grab eye balls and do well… just that time hadn’t come…but it will… and this semester it did it for me… and all those people who thought I am not good enough can now go to hell....


If the morning was so picture perfect and romantic the evening was polar opposite and nightmarish….. I went to teach that day and I waded through knee deep water to get there… and then after a pleasant one and a half hour of being there I left in heavy rain…. Then being the dutiful daughter I called up mom and asked her if she needed any supplies because I knew the depression would last for the coming few days….and that was one huge mistake…I missed a bus the only one that would take me home…. Mom knew that I finished my tuitions so she began to worry as the weather worsened….i got drenched in the cold showers pouring in heavy torrents…stood alone under a roughly created roof…with stinky people staring at me getting translucent by the moment…and that awful smell…arrrrrgghhh! Somehow thankfully after almost an hours and half the bus finally came and somewhat packed like sardines I reached my stop…I waded through the water half way home but had to come back to take a rickshaw that took 4 times the fare and then in absolutely no light…I literally swam in above knee deep water with rain pelting down…while frogs croaked as backdrop music and stuff floating by,which I tried real hard to overlook…I reached home drenched…but in one piece…does that mean my tryst with rain stops after this?? Hell no…even after 3 days of continues rain…feeling handicapped without electricity in regular intervals and absolutely no internet connection and no cable…I still love the rain…


Today I went to college…armed to beat the rain that threatened to play spoil sport…with my jeans rolled up…. wearing a jacket to beat the rain and the chills with a huge umbrella in a gay colour… and my my! Didn’t we have fun….first in college. Where we all huddled together, having coffee and chatting up and then a nice coffee treat in CCD...what a splendid way to beat rain at her own game!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Potter Mania


Harry potter has become a household name and an essential in every growing up child…however it would be extremely unfair to limit the magic of Harry Potter and his friends to Hogwarts and to a specific generation of people…Harry Potter has fans from toddlers to the aged…growing up just isn’t the same without the magic of Harry touching our lives…away from books, exams and loads of pressure J k Rowling has weaved a world of magic for us. Cocooned in its splendor…unnoticed by us Harry Potter has come to life and become a part and parcel of our life… Ron and Hermione have become our friends too…we have accompanied them on their adventures…shared their happiness and their sorrow… We have cheered when Gryffindor has won the house cup and winced when Harry fell off the broom during the quidditch match…what makes harry more life like is… that his life despite being magical has tons of reality check thrown in… losing his parents and then finding his god father and then losing him… finding a mentor and guide in professor Dumbledore and a mother in Mrs. Weasley …..

With each book of Harry potter our affair with Potter continues and grows in magnitude… we have evolved with Harry as he enters into Hogwarts for the first time and then he graduates into his final year in the final book…we are so engrossed into this non muggle world that a simple fiction has lead to several speculation as to who is the love interest of Harry… will Ron and Hermione end up together? Is Dumbledore really dead? Is Snape a death eater? Will Harry die? The last book is nearing release…Rowling has promised an end to Harry potter series but will viewers have enough of Harry there lies the question…whatever maybe the fate of Harry potter. Whether he wins the duel with the dark lord Voldemort or whether he falls to his fate saving humanity is yet unknown but Harry potter has been made immortal not on in literary history but also in our lives… like classics..

Monday, July 02, 2007

RESULTS!!!

the leaden feeling has finally eased out...the tension draining me out...the anxiousness and pressure to perform bogged me down..and i was a nervous wreck...reason:results...few days back ipsy got her results...from then on it was always on my mind that my results will be out soon..this realization make life literally terrible..i cant take things that easily...results matter to "me"and much more than anyone can suspect....where my friends were cool or appeared to take the shock well i was the nervous wreck...just before the exams and soon after it i had analyzed my performance and created a statistic,which unfortunately i lost...so even more i felt dis-balanced...i like to know or plan things beforehand...after a tiresome sleepless night i finally woke up on Monday morning to do my my daily chores...i almost broke down once in college..when my friends teased me regarding the results....this last semester i know for myself how i sacrificed precious time with samik...and loads of other things..and i studied...i went to the library....surfed google and i made notes....one day before exams too i helped my friends out...the amount of studying i put in this semester had i put in while i was in my class 10 or even 12 i probably would have done way better.....so one can understand how anxious and nervous i was regarding my results...i had loads of things to prove to people...and thus to perform well was my main aim this semester

at around 2.30pm we saw our profs walking in from the administrative building towards out department and they were carrying our results....one of them was our HOD and the other sayantan da....they paused before climbing up the stairs to check some list and i took the opportunity to ask sir if i did ok?he peeped in and smiled..."bhaloi koreycho.... you got a first class" [ you have done well ...you got a first class....]the tension whooshed out of me...first class is good..its very prestigious in our field...so good enough! i have a decent score then..i thought to myself...just outside the HOD's office sir handed us the mark sheet and we pounced upon me...and in the mayhem i couldn't locate my glasses without which reading marks would be one huge task....somehow i first located my marks and my pal rohits we both did well....and then once i calculated our percentage i went back to check my other pals marks...so that i could sms them...it was one hell of a task....thankfully i got a 66% which i really dint expect...it was one pleasant surprise...i came 4th in class... yay! more than anything i am just happy that i got what i deserved and my hard work paid off...it was one great relief then on...the tension of the last few days soon wore off...and till now the happiness didn't hit home maybe it soon will...now...i am just feeling relieved...alls well that ends well....isn't it? :D

now thinking back makes everything look so funny....me saying my hail mary's [which i always do unconsciously whenever i am in trouble...it always helps]rohit stood outside the gates of campus because last semester i checked his results for him while he was out of campus....a superstition he believes in...hehehe...soura kept telling me not to take tension but he was sweating profusely....some were chewing nails..others were praying...people out of town calling up to find out....it was really hilarious ..we were all a bunch of crazy kids...funny how pressure can make us behave like lunatics...oh!yes there is this one piece of good news....earlier according to our curriculum...we had to do a paper in Bengali,a compulsory paper...but since we[Bengali's as well as people who took Bengali as their 2nd language] are not that fluent enough to express by writing in Bengali script,we had appealed to our HOD to look into the matter and voila!we don't have to study Bengali if we don't wanna,it has been made optional now..a prospect which was a distant dream is now a reality....more reason to celebrate....yay!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Will u believe me if I say-
"I understand"
will you care if I say-
"I will be there"
will you heed if I say
"you will be fine"
will you smile if I say
"there will be another tomorrow."
Will you reach out if I say
“I ll hold your hand”
Will you cry if I say
“I ll b gone some day?”

Will you hug me?
When I need you the most…
Will you be there?
If there is no tomorrow
Will you love me back?
If I say I love you?
Will you walk with me
A hundred miles
Your hand laced in mine
Into the golden sunset
In unhappiness or in bliss
In desolation or desperation?