Friday, July 13, 2007

stressed!

I am tired and totally stressed out….college has reopened finally and instead of feeling relieved and happy one week into college I am totally beat! I have Italian classes 3 times a week which this week I merrily dint attend simply because I couldn’t and wouldn’t…..then there are the tuitions that I give….that takes 3 days and the last two days, that is the weekends…well…it is allotted for samik….well that’s that and it leaves me absolutely no time for me…I don’t get to read my books for pleasure.. nor do I get time to do studies for college and with the time crunch I actually no time to pamper myself by sleeping in… worse still my dad has fallen Ill.. and what with my mom being unwell too the burden falls on me to run errands help with the house work and do my own routine….and before I forget attend office for dad and run his business for him before college… as if this wasn’t bad our servant is ill too, and is on the leave… so my chores now include washing my own dishes and doing my own washing…damn! what with sleepless nights and office and college and studies and tuitions and chores I am a living wreck…with mom giving me a hard time…..my life has suddenly become 24*7 hell where nothing really good ever happens…..

Campus life too is dull and uninteresting…what with us being the seniors now…all sixteen of us are hardly found together, all are scattered here and there all over….even classes seem to be a bore and extremely loathsome…moreover I don’t seem to connect with anyone except a very few people…I miss my pal who now seems a virtual stranger to me and the magic that I thought would sustain everything seems to be fading…. Others are people I hardly recognize as friends….they just seem so alien to me all of a sudden…and the only few people I am now comfortable with, I sense this huge dependency on them which I don’t quite like…because clinging onto people had never been my way…

The one relationship that means much to me seems to have lost its magic and now it seems so hollow and inadequate…I want more I want things to mature and since my needs are not satiated there is this feeling working within me craving for more and the fact somehow I am not getting what I desire I am feeling like a vagabond wanting to break free and realize and make the other person comprehend that there is more to life and one should strive for it…and achieve it too…nothing in life should be done in half measure….

There is this overwhelming desire to be alone and brood and just be me and being the person I am its tough to answer questions about why I am suddenly acting so strange….there is no plausible explanation to why I am feeling so selfish and so non caring…maybe I have had had too much…I am saturated….life is taking a toll on me… suddenly I want to give up all care and live life recklessly as I used to…answerable to none but me…being isolated from all connections…something inside me feels dead and mutilated…. and the feeling is treacherous because it makes me disregard the things or people who meant my world and to whom I mean much…I have no clue as to why I am feeling the way I am… I don’t know what caused it… I was never the one to give in to temptation and this time too I won’t succumb but I so hope that whatever it is just passes soon so that I can go back to being me…cheerful and happy.

12 comments:

KAYLEE said...

well get Well and do what you gotta do.I wish you the best and you mom and dad:P

AaaDee !! said...

just went thru a number of your last post..simple n beautiful !!

Way to go gal !!

anirvan said...

It's a short phase dear, it won't last long...but in literature, even hardships can be made beautiful with black n white words.You have done that, I wish I cud write like that!

Sunshine gal said...

I'll simply quote you..."tough times do not last long..but tough peopple do.."
And you know what, the only way from here is upward...So just you hold on there a lil longer....

KAYLEE said...

Is everything going ok?

AVIANA said...

hey sweetie...

you're stressed out and overwhelmed....that's it.....

don't worry..it will pass soon...

you're swamped...smile sweetie...smile

Smartalec said...

it's a passing phase, raka! and didnt get even a whiff of ur being stressed out in our short convo yesterday! so take care and make the most of it... this too shall pass :)

KAYLEE said...

are you ditching me?;)

Rajeev said...

its a part in one's life! :)
dont worry. it will be over soon!

peace & love
Jeevy

KAYLEE said...

:)

KAYLEE said...

p

Anonymous said...

:P