Thursday, August 30, 2007

Media


The other day during breakfast, while leaving through the news paper I came across this article called “10 reasons why BRANGELINA should spilt” in a daily supplement of a renowned newspaper. What struck me was, despite having its share of clean gossip the supplement, though newly introduced had created and maintained its standard of reporting. However, this article made me think yet again about the role of media and its limits. Years ago, way back in 1997 when princess Diana died and henceforth, several articles have been written, revealing her true self, her secrets, affairs and various escapades that supposedly helped us to know her. Since I was quite young and quite taken over by the death of a real princess, I have followed every snippet of news about Britain’s most loved princess and how many a times I have found it extremely unfair of the media to cover and probe into matters that should be left forgotten for humanitarian reasons. People who seek their 15 minutes of fame claiming to know what others don’t, others who invade others privacy to earn the brownie points to climb the ladder of progress; while the media lapps up anything and everything to boast their importance. The TRP’s rule over morality.

The role of media as traced way back when news papers were first discovered in India had a profound impact on our society and its people. It created an awareness of the happenings of contemporary times, then. And was lethal weapon used by patriots to bring to the masses the “truth” times have changed from then to now. The role of media too have undergone a sea change. Where people have dared to go on the frontiers to bring fresh reports of wars waged, from the location of earthquakes, volcano’s, tornados and hurricanes to news about which celebrity did what when and with whom. My post basically deals with gossip and paparazzi and media role in it.

The article that I was reading dealt with the reasons according to the editor why brad pitt and Angelina Jolie should split. The reasons were as lame as they will loose count of the number of children they have adopted and the children of whom they are the biological parents. Like it matters to them what you [the editor] thinks. Who are you anyways? And what right have you got to assume that the couple will spilt and why they should. They maybe rich spoilt brats but what right have anyone got to comment on their relationships. Despite their drawbacks [whatever that is] they have done what most others cannot, give a home and name to the homeless. Agreed that celebrities are public figures and what they do are in constant glare of people and the people too have a right to know about them but there is a limit to what the editor or the writer should write, freedom to express ones thought shouldn’t be done at the expense of someone’s privacy. It is however noteworthy that not only celebrities are public figures they are human beings and like ordinary people they too deserve a normal life too away room the constant glare of the people. Media is the most powerful medium ever but to maintain its position it should not violate their power by over exercising it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Happy Rakhi


Yesterday was probably the best Rakhi I ever had. It is not however usual, that once relationships get severed the second time it has the durability to stand tall for future. Yesterday proved to me that if you have the sentiment and the zest to see it to the end then nothing is impossible. One step from us can change our lives. Like Shakespeare said “our doubts are traitors, it often makes us loose what we could have achieved, by fearing to attempt.” Something very similar happened to me. My brother’s family and mine were having some issues way back from our childhood, and we were denied each other for over a decade. Then one day a miracle happened, our families came together once again only to split! This time none of us were kids yet I guess we both didn’t know what to do, when family pressures weighed down. Then one day unable to take it anymore I messaged him and he replied. Together we decided not to let the issues of our parents come in between us. We are individuals capable of taking out of decisions.

Unlike last year when we celebrated Rakhi, in the presence of parents and that too after ages of being apart. This Rakhi was celebrated secretively, away from home, lest our parents came to know. But all it mattered to him and me was, each others company. We were meeting after ages, despite living in the same house. Our talks seemed to be endless, as we caught up with the recent happenings of the recent past. All misgivings were forgiven and forgotten. The walk was pleasant and extremely companionable, brought back memories of old times and loads of happiness and it seemed that life had come a full circle. Had I not given up my ego and spoken to my bro, I would probably still tie rakhis to my other friends but not to the wrist which mattered most to me. In months I am truly happy knowing that there is still one person who loves me to death, even though he may not show it to me. To me, my bro is the best brother in the world..love you loads Dada Happy Rakhi!!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pending Birthday Blues!

There has been this silly fantasy in my head since as long as i can remember,dates way back in my childhood.It used to make life a lot better just seeing life that when i was a kid and I still resort to it sometimes.I used to pretend that i am narrating the stories of my life to a friend and what i am going through in life is a mere narration which may seem quite intense then but in actuality its a thing of the past. And now on the threshold on 2o i am still naive enough to cling onto this childhood fantasy for my dear life.

In a few more days i will turn 20 and its really hard to believe that i am finally turning "20",because when i analyze myself,a feeling of sheer adulthood strikes me.It was just a year back I was still in school.20 signifies a whole new world now.it means the silly,goofing around is now practically over and a little maturity is now called for,thankfully the process is in motion now.My birthday had always brought a wealth of pain.I have been the unhappiest on my birthday.lost old friends,with close ones forgetting it or me always falling i ll just before the day.But i would be lying if i say i don't look forward to it,i do but with a lot of apprehension.I hope this birthday too,I don't have to cry myself to sleep as always.I so long for a puppy,my ideal birthday gift.That is the one thing i miss in life,but i am also aware that i will never ever get one of my own! :( that is something i have to take in my stride like everything else.

Gawd!turning twenty makes me feel so important.there are loads of things that i had ear-marked to do before i turned twenty;like keeping long hair [which is in progress,earlier i used to have short cropped hair] ,to have a bank balance which i have and be more feminine which well..erm.. i'm trying...A lot of pressures will soon start building up as it is my mashis and kakimas [aunts]are dropping subtle hints,trying to kajol me into confiding in them if i have found someone appropriate to marry and settle down or even if i secretly admire someone.sheesh!!marriage is last thing on my mind.i cant see myself as a shy and demure bride.i' having nightmares about it!thankfully my parents are in no hurry to marry me off,though i admit mom keeps harping this new tune "you' ll leave home in a few years..will have to start planning!""mom get a life!"is all that i can say before blowing the top over.things are bubbling..god knows when they'll burst out and when it does it will be time to face some questions!boy growing up can have a downside too!lord save me,i'd rather be a child than grow up if it means so handling much pressure and responsibilities.

P.S-Tuned in to-I'm not a girl not yet a woman by Britney Spears.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

me!


I wish my mind was a laptop.Then the thoughts going through my mind could easily be stored to be posted later as a blog post.While at college,or on the bus ride to my tuition's or on my walk home,amidst people or simply while lazing around there are trillions of things that keeps running through my mind.I make a mental note,sometimes i even list them down,but its never the same.its tough to recall every thought in its minutest detail.Shame really!!I've become a tad bit dishonest to my blog lately.I still do blog about my life,my thoughts and feelings.however i have become a bit selective over the topics i choose to blog about:specially ever since my post "surviving times",unwanted bloggers still lurked around trying to seek voyeuristic pleasure.Anyways,i had made a list of topics to blog about this month and they are almost all done,you see i am passionate about my blog,she is my best friend you know...are you smirking at me for making lists and note about this??well,go on laugh at me but i can't help it,i am a perfectionist.I simply can't deal with lackadaisical people,or unplanned things,a crease here or there,bad handwriting or even people with atrocious manners and idiosyncrasies.It totally FREAKS me out!!Gawd!!i get nervous and hyper when things happen unplanned.I just hate loosing games.I'm practical,meticulous and i analyze ALOT!Ok so i am a carbon copy of Monica from the famous sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S.I am a freak so??

Perceptions

It feels so strange to interact with people who were "Friends" once but not anymore.they give you those blank looks with no warmth and you,who now have learn't the lesson,and now are like them,look back with the skill to look through their facade. A little perception can do wonders,naive of you who had believed in the good in all but now you know better.They are indifferent but so are you.But your eye notices all without missing anything.A sad smile and a flicker of recognition is the only proof that you realize the change and not lament,which goes unnoticed.And that is just the way you want it.

People no longer make eye contacts!Are they afraid to reveal more than they want?or they fear any kind of connection?why is this fear lurking in their hearts, not to be the person they are trying to dissimulate?

You have learn't among many things,to keep a safe distance even among friends and not waste your emotions on irrelevance.but you have distanced your loved ones too,lest familiarity breeds contempt.Being alone may make you lonesome but it prevents you from being with people who violates your sentiments and use it to their advantage.So now you spare none.You have stopped being benevolent.

Funny how people say you have "changed"!!Just because you don't lap at their feet anymore!If growing up and trying to be a bit selfish for your betterment is being changed well then probably you are.They do it too.Better be the 'moron-who has changed' rather than being a doormat!

A leaf out of my daily journal.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My First Crush!


I was taking a stroll down the lane just in front of my house when a flood of memories came back in a flash.Those childhood memories,games on the streets,squabbles with friends and my first crush.Just thinking back brought back a smile on my lips as a lone tears rolled down.Friends have long since gone but the memories are still there,fresh in my heart as if it was just yesterday.I had became nostalgic suddenly as childhood memories brought back pangs of first crush.

I was in class six.I was the eldest of my playmates and he was the owner of a hobby center in our lane.i had gone there to check my email and surf and he was there smiling at me.i cannot pin point how and when i had a crush on him but i guess his resemblance to Hrithik Roshan [ i have the hugest crush on him,even now :P] was one of the major reasons for me to flip over.One day I saw him rescue a kid from being crushed beneath a car and that cemented my crush for him.My best friend Neha for reasons best known to her fell for his best friend.it all seemed perfect.though they were almost 8-9 years older to us it dint deter us to feel for them.It was one hell of a time when we had to conceal our secret talks about "them" from Nehas nosy younger sisters and other friends.I used to spend hours on the veranda just to catch a glimpse of him lounging on his bike or talking to his subordinates.We used to play on the streets and Neha and i would lock gazes alerting each other when our significant "him" came into focus.Our crush lasted a long time almost 3-4 years and Neha's mom even gave us a pep talk about concentrating on our studies and how they weren't suitable for us,we were heading the wrong way.We both went through the pain and heart break when they didn't turn up for days or they dint glance at us.We knew nothing would ever materialize from this but we were so young and we mistook our first crush to be our first love.It was one painful ride but nonetheless very innocent and sweet.

What happened then??Well Neha discovered that her crush eat food at a really run down oily and stinky place which according to her was beneath her status and so her crush flew out of the window.And me?Well one day i was at a friends place in the neighborhood,they were my play mates too.they casually mentioned that the hunk [my crush,apparently all the girls in the locality fancied him] was married.gawd!!my heart squeezed the life out of me and i was shocked beyond expression then in one flash i remembered that indeed i had gone to his wedding years back and my dad had mentioned a few days back that he has a new born son.My world crumbled down and my crush was crushed.I was feeling so guilty for most silly reasons,now i think back.I cursed myself for liking a married guy with a kid.i cried on the short walk home.with my vision blurred i shrank behind a car and sat down on the pavement,thankfully Neha had seen me and came to talk,seeing me she had asked me what was wrong and i was too upset to even tell.She dragged me home and on the way i collided onto him and when i looked up, i saw him smile in acknowledgment and what could have been a real treat otherwise this time i ran until i came home and on my terrace where i confessed everything to my friend.Almost for a month i pined for him,avoiding him and forcing myself not to do the things,that i used to before,just to get one glimpse of him.Then an amazing thing happened it seemed that 4 years of crushing over him made him reciprocate my feelings but by then i had grown up.It was a nightmarish few months when the person i had had a crush on became the one person i feared the most.As he pursued me,confessed his feelings,and almost stalking me.But now when i look back i smile.those bittersweet memories now replace the pain and anguish with a smile.my first crush taught me to be selfless in love and inspired me to write my first poem.some days those were! :)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Chak De, India


Chak De India opened to a Shahrukh khan following among hoots,whistles and loud cheer.it is an out and out sharukh khan's movie,undiluted and absolute.One just cant seem to have enough.A non-existent women's hockey team,a corrupt association,team politics and a blame of a lifetime and in walks Kabir khan against all odds to coach what seemed like a hopeless team towards womens hockey world cup.

the movie has the right blend of patriotism,love for sport and enough masala to make it an entertainer and outright hit.but,what is noticeable is the following of a trend.Laagan revolving around cricket and feeling of nationalism was a major success and a trend setter and post laagan Chuk de seems to follow in its footsteps in well assessed and calculated way.what with the Badshah himself in the movie,who made fallen player and coach of women's hockey team come to life.only Shakrukh can do justice to the role which would otherwise make the movie monotonous and dull to watch for the 2 and a 1/2 hour.what is commendable that a movie based on a not so popular sport with absolutely no heroine for back up and not even one frame of romance,the film stood up on its own.there were parts where the movie seemed to drag but great cinematography and gripping action kept people glued to their seats,a good screen play can do wonders to an already experimented plot.there are just two songs in the movie:chak de and maula.chak de stir your patriotic soul.

Chak De’ makes you go through myriad emotions. You empathize with the pain of the protagonist, cherish the clashes and camaraderie of the girls, and you are filled with an uplifting, charged-up feeling as you see the underdogs rise to the occasion. Kabir Khan (Shah Rukh), the best centre-forward in Indian hockey team, misses the crucial, last-minute penalty stroke against Pakistan and is blamed for the Indian team’s defeat in the finals. So much so, he is labeled gaddar (betrayer) by his own fellow countrymen. Disgraced and dishonored for one momentary failure, Kabir Khan leaves his parental house with his mother and disappears into oblivion.Seven years later he appears again, not as a player but as a coach of a bunch of girls in whom even the Hockey Federation has no confidence. Kabir Khan has just three months to coach and train these girls for the Hockey World Cup in Australia. Using very unconventional methods, Kabir Khan manages to create a team spirit among the girls. But some differences remain, only to be sorted out in the World Cup tournament in Australia, which the team must win to make India proud. But Kabir Khan is fighting for more than pride for India. For him the victory would bring redemption (for his momentary failure 7 years ago) and reclamation of his lost honour. And when that moment of reckoning does come, he looks on with disbelief in his teary eyes.this is the one movie which made the audience sit back even after the names rolled on and the narration finally end.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Tag

I had promised i wont take up TAG's anymore but this one was well worth bending the rule.Read on and enjoy.I don't want to tag anyone,anyone can take it up.have great weekend ahead!!

If I were a beginning, I would be: Renaissance

If I were a month, I would be: September

If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: Morning
If I were a planet, I would be: Pluto

If I were a season, I would be: Spring
If I were a sea animal, I would be: Whale

If I were a direction, I would be: North

If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A bean bag
If I were a sin, I would be: Ambition
If I were a liquid, I would be: Water
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be: Virus
If i were a gem, I would be: Pearl
If I were a tree, I would be: Oak
If I were a tool, I would be a: A hammer
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: A sunflower

If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Stormy
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: Guitar
If I were an animal, I would be: Dog
If I were an emotion, I would be: Care
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Cucumber
If I were a sound, I would be : Wind chimes in the breeze
If I were an element, I would be: Water
If I were a car, I would be: BMW
If I were a song, I would be: Boulevard of broken dreams
If I were a food, I would be: Pizza
If I were a place, I would be: Venice/Paris
If I were a material, I would be: Satin

If I were a taste, I would be:Tangy
If I were a scent, I would be:Dior
If I were a religion, I would be: Humanitarian

If I were a sentence, I would be: Full of paradoxes
If I were a body part, I would be: Eyes
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Blush/Shy

If I were a subject in college, I would be: Literature

If I were a shape, I would be: Cube
If I were a quantity, I would be: Unmeasurable
If I were a color, I would be: Blue

If I were a thing, I would be: Book

If I were a landmass, I would be: An Island
If I were a book, I would be: The Alchemist
If I were a monument, I would be: Statue of Liberty

If I were an artist, I would be: Da Vinci
If I were a poem, I would be: The Casurina Tree
If I were a landscape, I would be : The Beach

If I were a watch, I would be: Ageless
If I were God, I would be: Immortal

If I were a vowel, I would be: U

If I were a consonant, I would be: R
If I were a formula, I would be: The one to be a successful human being
If I were a Science, I would be:Loveology

If I were a theory, I would be: Relativism
If I were a famous person, I would be: Princess Diana

If I were sport, I would be: Skating
If I were a movie, I would be: Sleepless in Seattle
If I were a cartoon, I would be: Scooby dobby doo
If I were an explorer, I would be: Touring Europe

If I were a scientist, I would be: Albert Einstein
If I were a relation, I would be: Mother
If I were a river, I would be: Nile

If I were intoxication, I would be: Love

If I were alone, I would be: At peace
If I were a question, then I would be: Why do we Exist?
If I were a hobby, I would be: Musician

If I were a habit, I would be:I would be hard to give up.
If I were in an atom, I would be: Oxygen
If I were an end, I would be: Eternity

If I were you, I would be: Taking up this tag

Friday, August 17, 2007

I'm Loving it!!


I have loved life in its entirety.Even the hard times and good ones.When I have been down and depressed,no matter how hard it was i knew i will survive and move on and i did.from an early age took my own decisions,from choosing my subjects to my stream and then later the subject I am doing my majors in.It feels great to be independent and mature enough to do what I want and be responsible for it.Even though I maybe going through a hard time in life I knew I was studying what I loved best:literature;and its simply awesome.I may hate people around me,I may dislike going to college and wait hours in between the classes for the next class but I love what I'm studying.Yes I'm loving it!

People often
ask what is it that you will be doing studying Comparative Literature.There is no future.Why not study English instead??Its way prestigious you know??Will anyone ever hire you??You might as well forget getting married with that honors,gawd!!How pathetic can people be.You must be wondering what is the connection between a major in college and marriage??Well i ll tell you.in India or rather Bengal where I stay.If you are a convent educated female,with an honors in English then even if you have wheatish complexion and absolutely no home skills you are considered a perfect match to a doctor or an engineer.Funny isn't it?Trust me this is true!Thankfully my parents are not very conservative,who think that their daughter should be clad in salwar kameez and go to college and be back and in her second year of college,matches should be hunted and short listed and as soon as the girl graduates;wedding bells should ring and several hundred family members,who are nbot available otherwise should turn up for the big grand wedding.Thankfully,my parents are very modern and open minded or else by now I would have been taught how to do house hold chores and mom would be grooming me into a perfect Bengali house wife.phew!!

Coming back to my studies,when I hear people remarking over the subject that i am majoring in,I
calmly smile at them with a practiced cool,for I know most of them pretend to know the subject when in actuality they don't.many a times I have heard "You are studying comparative literature??thats wonderful!!by the way...what is it??"people!! people!!Such fools!! really!! Just because they have a lack of knowledge that doesn't mean the things they don't know doesn't exist or is in anyways inferior.Idiots!!Comparative Literature Department in Jadavpur University [yeah thats where i study] is the only department in whole of India to have it in B.A level, and though it may be just 50 years old its relevance and date of conception goes way back.it is the only subject where we study literature all over the world across cultures,geographical boundaries and linguistic barriers through translations.it is the only subject where Dante, Machiavelli, Kalidas, Shakespeare, Sappho, Sophocles and Rabindranath Tagore is read and appreciated with equal importance.A rich cultural and literary knowledge we carry on as legacy and heritage on in our lives.Age old classical learning does not fade away and become extinct,we keep them alive. and anyone and everyone who loves literature will love this subject.

True that in India this subject is not yet that popular and not many people know about it but those
before and after me are studying it will argue that it is undoubtedly the best subject ever to be read and studied if one has a penchant for literature.True that we don't get a job as school teachers for this subject is not there in the elementary,primary or secondary education levels but in the field of literature,media and abroad this subject thrives without almost any comparison.so next time any of you who comes up to me trying to tell me how worthless my life is gonna be.think again!! I am well versed with parts of classical literature not only of the world but I know my scriptures back home too.Moreover I get to learn the oldest language in India:Tamil.What have you learn't??

Its not a matter of who learns what?Or what is superior compared to the others its a matter of respect.Just because we don't know a thing that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or it is inferior.So before judging someone or something it is important that we think before we act.We may love the thing we are associated with but then the same applies for the others too. A tad bit of respect to other fellow creatures can make world a healthy place to be in!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Random ...

Today this classmate of mine did my cartomancy.well,for those who dont know what cartomancy is,it is like tarot except using plain cards.i was just curious and to my surprise he deduced something very accurate except that instead of the future he told me what i already knew and what was an ongoing process.

The verdict:i have leadership qualities but in excess which is not good.i am concerned about money and property.i am humble,down to earth and materialistic.this year i will be dreadfully sick.i will have an argument with someone and that this is a phase in my life where changes should take place.a good time for transformation.i should allow it to happen and not resist.i may be in denial about something.there is traveling.i am extremely focussed about my goals in life but i tend to waver.and i will have a blissful and stable marriage.

how i wish we could actually know the future,the world would be so much more different!alas!good and accurate deductions nonetheless.

In the past month I have truly evolved.learnt a few lessons and put it into applications unlike other times.and this transformation is a step towards what I would like to think as progress.There are changes within me which I would like to resist but I dont because I know somewhere i need to move on and thats the only way. have lost my smile somewhere and truly and honestly I am not happy,but neither am I unhappy.I hate my college,and my classmates.The only thing I desire and crave is solitude.I feel a bitterness within and i have no clue why.the resentment boils,churning up images and memories that turn my insides cold.A calm and blank expression adorns my face,my eyes are masqueraded and my lips are drawn into a firm line.a heaviness settled in my heart that refuses to just go.Am i becoming like them??Have they succeeded making me one of their own?

Yes,the process is tough and excruciatingly painful but there is a hope that says it wont be long till the sun peeks from behind the cloud.I just need to hold on to faith and hope for a better tomorrow. Positive vibes speads all over me,egging me to hold on.for,this phase will soon pass.I have no clue why this gloom or depression that resides within me or what am I depressed about??this whole thing is so complex that I often loose myself in my own thoughts.I still love life,I still enjoy the finer things in life,I still smile in my sleep and feel happy within but the bitterness is never far,nor is the heaviness in my heart.It comes back when i am around people I know and how at home I feel with strangers and my solitude.I guess this is some kind of a phase which will pass soon and until then I have to hold myself together.boy!growing up can be tough!

I am reading Paulo Coelho's By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept and its truly amazing!certain words are like a balm to my disturbed soul.More comforting than anything else.These are the few lines that has struck a note within me and i just cant seem to banish them from my thoughts,its that powerful.

Miracles occur all around us,signs from God shows us the way,angels plead to be heard,but we pay little attention to them because we have been taught that we must follow certain formulas and rules if we want to find God.We don't realize that God is wherever we allow Him/Her to enter.

People who are atheist may disbelief in the existence of God but there is a superior power who directs and channelizes our destiny,fools are those who think they can make their own destiny all on their own.one who submits to the greater power and devotes himself in his karma achieves his destiny.for once one realizes his goal,all of the universe conspires against him/her to see to the end.This is the way of life.Its there in our scriptures and we are constantly rediscovering these age old philosophies deeply embedded in our culture and even though written almost several thousand ages back it still hold relevance even till today.truly there is so much to learn and knowledge is vast like the ocean there is always enough for those who seek.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Happy Independance Day!!!

Tomorrow a new sun will herald the 60th year of Indian Independence.Celebrations will be on in every part of India.The flag will gaily float making every Indian proud.Martyrs of our country who died for this freedom can now rest peacefully knowing that we are all free and happily so.Its s new dawn and a step towards progress.

When i look back i wonder if we are really are free.Is our mind free from complexities? Is it free from human frailties??No it is not.We still care what others namely the society will think before we actually act.How long will we give importance to irrelevant things before we wake up to true freedom??Women are now given equality,science has progressed,economy is rising and so is terror all in name of progress and freedom!there is still time to realize,and to act upon it and to walk towards our golden future.we may be a third world country but we have the potential to stand up on our own.After all we are a mini continent on our own;unity in diversity.

Here is a poem by the Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore which i simply love-

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high:

Where knowledge is free;
Where the world has not been broken up
into fragments by narrow domestic walls;
Where words come out from the depth of truth;
Where tireless striving stretches its arm towards perfection;
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;
Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-
-widening thought and action-
Into that heaven of freedom,my my father let my
country awake.

Happy Independence day to all Indians!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

A whole new world!

I have been unhappy before
my heart has bled
and the mind had cried
but not anymore.

I have lost old friends
so i have stopped making new
retained the ones who have stayed
loving them even more

Life has brought so many changes
so i have changed my life
living recklessly on the edge
and embraced it for what it is

Now its a different world
i have learn't how to live
i have defeated hurt and pain
i have amended my flaws!

No more grief,no more pain
no more worries or disdain!
i have mastered them all
and im happy again!!

~*~

Thursday, August 09, 2007

A bus ride home!

I teach this kid English once a week...bus ride to her place is pleasant and almost comfortable....the child herself is cheerful and diligent...but the nightmare begins when i wait for the bus ride home....if i am lucky i get my bus almost within 15 minutes if my bad luck is truly bad,then i have to hope and pray,only then the bus appears.....a fully packed bus...with people hanging from it swerves round the corner into the lane and halts several meters away from where it should....somehow i manage to grab the handrail.....when it speeds off to the next stop...once i am on the bus,i know for sure i ll reach home,bruised and body aching but otherwise on time....

Today was truly terrific.An experience i ll remember throughout my life as i got to practiced my clawing skills.AS i stood on one foot,clinging onto the back of a seat with my nails or i would have been flung on several unhygienic sweaty men....within 10 minutes a few people got down so i finally managed to stand properly and breathe easy only then this FAT lady choose to get down;she tried really hard to squeeze through but couldn't [people please start working out lol!] i felt my breath whooshing out when i realized that successfully she crossed me....phew!!i thought the worst was over but nooo.....a lady with her young chubby son got up....though i love kids i could say this one meant trouble...in no time i felt a tug at my back pocket and voila!there was the pest clinging onto me and onto the back pocket of my jeans and seeing the kids weight!i prayed that the pocket didnt tear.His mom says "he must like you very much,don't mind his sticky muddy hands,after games he likes to eat an ice cream" "there are things in the worlkd called napkins or washes" i thought,i just managed to keep a calm face and forced my self to smile....as if this wasn't bad...i felt pressed up against men in the most shameful way it would make my mom faint is he was to see her daughter like this...gawd! but tough luck i had to get home and i had no choice...a person gotta do what she gotta do :( ...and its better i forget just how many feet stamped and brushed my freshly laundered jeans damn!!i got off the bus with my pony tail half undone with hair all askew,with stains of grubby hands on my back pocket and foot prints of several sizes as a souvenir on my jeans...howz that for an experience??moral of the story is:never ever wear your fresh laundered jeans on a public bus and guys please do use deodorants!arrrghh!!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Change

I have been plotting my escape in a very systematic and well researched manner...anxiously i am waiting for the one opportunity that will take me to the land of my dreams....away from family and dear ones...it wont be easy....but then nothing in life comes on a platter.....i know it will be excruciatingly painful but then one can do anything that one sets her mind to...and i have the will power to see through the plan....

It really amazed me the other day when i was walking home several hours earlier than i would usually....home really felt like home..safe haven...when i was a gawky teenager i used long to grow up...to come home whenever i like and do whatever my heart desired...life would be so colorful, friends, fun and undiluted laughter but then what i wasn't prepared then were the complications that life would hurl at me....last year when i was a fresher at college...i was blissfully happy...i would have had an heart attack to imagine a life without college and friends and now???well there are so many more things to worry....my GPA....courses that i will apply for my PG courses...the city i will relocate to....family responsibilities and my guy...gawd!!but in a way its always nice to buy my own thing...having a bank account...having people rely on me...my family and samik....soon things will change yet again....and i ll move on with life.....i find the changing world so fascinating....the only thing that is ever constant is change itself...and we are all a part of the phenomenon....

Sunday, August 05, 2007

happy friendships day


heres wishing all those people who have been there for me thick thin throughout the journey of my life..... Sayanti and Srimoyee whom i have known from the first day of school....way back in kindergarten....its been 15 years since and we are still friends...and that too unconditionally just being together...many have come and moved on forward..they will be remembered..and those you have tried to benefit unjustly from friendships are condemned....and all my new blogger friends Cindy,Kaylee Rajeev,Jeya and others who have added the extra zing in my life are truly valued...minko da for being the brother as well as the friend and ipsy and samik for just being there no matter what.....thank you everyone....here is to every one and friendships...cheers!!

Happy Friendships Day to you all!!

Friday, August 03, 2007

“how many times will I tell you to pack those chappals?” yelled mom, ”in two days you have to cook and clean on your own, I wont be there to pick after you, start doing you own thing from now only” she continued gruffly brushing aside a tear that threatened to spill.

“Why are you scolding the poor girl, she is leaving tomorrow, so let her enjoy the few moments. Don’t be too harsh. I looked up and smiled, I knew mom was missing me already so she was inventing things to fuss over me. Dad too is acting brave, it must be hard for them to let me go after all I have always been home for the past 21 years. But they will get used to it. they will have to,I smiled ruefully and ironed the shirt what seemed the millionth one, before keeping it in a pile near the open suitcase.

Flashes of memory came back. It seemed like just yesterday I walked out of school for the first time never looking back,closing the door to my childhood forever.then there was college and friends... and the past year of agony and then the day when the letter came and I was selected and I had to leave my hometown and study outside the city. The mixed feeling of jubilation and heavy gloom pulled me down and under as if in a vortex. It was once in a life opportunity yet the fact I was leaving behind my aging parents and my guy made it even more difficult. My eyes watered immediately but I checked myself, I knew if I break down they all will. I have to go and after all I ll be coming back in every holiday and now and then. And after all it’s a matter of two years. Forcing my mind onto other things, I picked up the list and ticked off the items I have got, it is then that the bell rang and in walked samik, ashen face gripping something rather nervously.

“thank god mom and dad gave up ‘what will the world say if your guy not even you fiancĂ© come over, not really a done thing’ rant and for once they understood that I needed to have samik around.” I thought and gave him a smile that I could muster, “hey you are late yet again? Weren’t u supposed to drop down before? you‘ll never change”, I said playfully and gave him a mock punch, which he didn’t even bother to defend “hope you, rather ‘we’ don’t change too” he muttered. “hey not fair! you know its never like that between you and me, you are making this tough for me.” I argued. Mom sent the servant with two cups of coffee while samik took his cup and languidly stretched himself on the edge of the bed while I went on with my list. With utmost love and care I packed the teddy he had given me on new years eve, his letters and cards: suddenly I was overcome with emotion.i reached over and hugged him tight.

“oh!how I am gonna miss you and you hugs! i cant imagine you not there when I need you the most. what will become of us?” for a moment I forgot to be the tough one for everyone including him, but I was surprised when I felt his hand on my head and the gentlest of caress. No words on silences that spoke. I knew he meant we’ll survive this…we had already done for the past few years and we’ll do it for the next two.

“did you take the cam??i just charged it….” And in walked dad….”ahem! well…” we sprang apart as if struck by lightening. ”ah! baba?? will you take a picture of us ??please..” I almost begged him silently, I knew how wary dad was of samik and how despite being a conservative guy he was making an effort on my behalf to make this work.” yeah sure…wanted you to test the cam once before you went…scoot together you two and smile…”

“photo session and that too without us!!” that was my childhood pals, who had dropped in to help me pack….another few rounds of pictures were taken. Mom,dad,dada and my servant was pulled and loads of beautiful moments were captured. with every hour it was getting even tougher and the knot was tightening even more.

In the evening my aunts and uncles and other relatives trooped in to bid me goodbye. it was one chaos with everyone wanting to speak to me, who in all of my 21 years never bothered about my existence and I on the other hand wanted to speak to that man who stood gloomily at one corner, watching my every move. Our eyes met across the room and I smiled unable to talk and he gave me one ghost of a smile. In an hour or two I managed to sneak on to the terrace with a bottle of cold drink pulling samik in tow. Only dad saw us leave but never commented.

We spent the last few hours chatting like old times on the moon light washed terrace .many a time I broke down and so did he. No words were spoken arms that clinged to one another. We knew we had to part but only to meet again…we would for sure, for we were destined to be together.

In the wee hours of the morning we come down. Mom and dad are resting. Soon it will be morning and samik and I wont be able to share these few private moments. Making some coffee we sat on the veranda waiting for the inevitable, trying to hold on to the time which was slipping by. He pulled me close and I cherished his warmth and his touch, yes his touch…I closed my eyes savoring it, capturing it in my mind… the leaden feeling like a knife twisted in my gut painfully… I just couldn’t take it. Soon it would be time to go. Final good bye will be said and I ll be on that flight that will take me to that promised land which will establish me. I was falling deeper and deeper into that whirlwind that threatened to overpower and drown me. I try desperately to hold on, cling will all my life to samik’s hand which was slipping away, the tip of his fingers slipped and I knew I was lost. calling out over and over again for mom,dad samik…faces blurred and voices faded away….

I sat up suddenly, moving the blanket from my face. I looked around, sweating profusely, taking deep breaths “ it was just a dream! its ok! I will be fine!” relief washed over me. Gloom came back to haunt me as I realized that this will happen in an year and half years time, and I better get used to it. I pushed aside these unwanted thoughts and bounced off my bed to wash up and make some tea for me for breakfast and to check on mum,dad, if they were up.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Prayer


I have been brought up in a missionary school.....Christianity and their nuances has always intrigued and fascinated me....while my catholic friends went to attend their catechism classes we non catholics had our moral science class...many a times i would wonder what my other friends were being taught...i used to cherish those one or two visits during one school year when we were taken to the church...in its holy sanctity i found peace... going to the church always had a way of calming me down and making me more strong to combat whatever difficulties i was going through.....this friend of mine had given me a prayer,which invariably i say whenever i am in need...it almost 2 years since i have left school yet this prayer never fails to soothe me down...and today id like to share it... i am sure most people know...


Hail Mary full of grace,lords with you
Blessed are you among women
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb;Jesus
Holy Mary mother of god
Pray of us sinners,now and the hour of our death
-amen