Wednesday, October 03, 2007

random

i sat on the tank.the top most place of our terrace.it has always been my hiding place since childhood.whether unhappy or heart broken,happy or upset,it has been my retreat for every mood in every walk of my life.it is the only place i can let the tears flow freely,without feeling abashed.it is a place where i am me.today to in the diminishing light of the day,with dusk spreading it dark cloak all over the vast expanse of the sky, i sat there peacefully lost in the conflicting thoughts within my head.i felt a tap on my shoulder,i look up to see her sitting right beside me.

she-what are you mulling about?
me-i am trying to analyse what is it that i really want in life?
she-boy friend trouble?
me-yeah!kind of..
she-what is it this time?
me-well loads of things which i haven't been able to untangle myself.i have a perfect guy in my life.he is loving caring but very immature.
she-so what?i think you are matured enough for both.this is the real meaning of a relationship.what one doesn't have the partner compensates for it.moreover no one is perfect.we all have our short comings.you have them too.
me-yeah i realize.but the thing is,each and every time i sacrifice and do whatever it is required of me to save this relationship,and he just expects me to do it each time.he wont ever do anything for "us".i am tired of being the matured one,the one to make all the compromises.i am tired of neglecting my wants and wishes because i have to understand what he is going through.and the fact that i understand seems to be taken for granted.just because i understand that doesn't mean that i don't have any reservations about it .
she-so what do you want out of him?
me-i want him to value me.to take the responsibility once towards our relationship.to acknowledge that i am a human being,i have my wants and wishes.to pamper me,treat me like i am indispensable to him.
she-he is a caring and loving person.more than which he loves you.
me-i know he does.but i want a bit more.today if i give up and leave.he wont call me back,he is going to let me go and blame me that i am disloyal to him.and that is unfair.
she-can you imagine a life without him?
me-i cant.i still think he is my soul mate.or else i would not have been with him.but i cant sacrifice my life,my wants and wishes for him,no matter how much i love him.because i have done quite a bit already and now i am saturated.i have realized that life doesn't just strive on love.you need to nurture it and for which you need to be mature enough to respect the other person.
she-are you thinking of quitting?
me-maybe i am not too sure.i want to be absolutely sure before i do anything.relationship is a serious business.
she-i thought you are a fighter?how come u are even contemplating to quit?
me-i have fought endlessly for the last 3years to make this work and i am willing to do for the rest of my life,if only he is at the end of the tunnel and he keeps up his end of the bargain.a relationship needs nurturing from both consenting people.only one working for it wont make it work.if we are destined together then in life we will be.maybe we are made to apart but then reunite?who knows the future?i am an optimist,so i never quit hoping for the miracle and if it doesn't i ll rise from my ashes.what do you think i should do??
she-it is your life.i am not here to advice you.i am here to be there for you while you decide what you want.ultimately it is you who have to make a choice.think hard and then decide.what can be lost can be lost forever.sometimes,things once done cannot be done.be very careful for what you wish and decide.be aware for what will follow.and once you hear your heart and mind echoing your thoughts synchronizing each other,you know what you have to do.until then don't take a step.what you are saying now,is your mind speaking but your heart begs to differ,it can suffer but not live without the object of the overwhelming love.think before you act....
me-i know you are right..but....do you think i should hand on...........??

i turned around but she was nowhere to be seen..was it a figment of my imagination or my conscience??i guess i ll never know..

13 comments:

preetilata said...

nice post. loved reading it. listen 2 ur hrt..i think u will gt d answer

preetilata said...

thnx a lot 4 ur sweet n encouraging commnt.. :)
no i dont mind it at all..evn m linking u 2. :)
tumi to bangali taina..:)
tomar blog tao khub shundor..i wud love 2 read more n more poems
tk cr
:) :) :)

phoenix said...

@preeti
hain amio bangali....amar aro poems achey....amar blog er labels er under ey poems boley...icchey holey check koro....

btw thanks...:)

KAYLEE said...

AWW I know its hard but dont givew up:P

phoenix said...

@kaylee
i am trying...but there are some things that require both people to work towards it... :|

Keshi said...

**what can be lost can be lost forever.sometimes,things once done cannot be done.

so true!

Keshi.

FireWhisky said...

i second preetilata... lovely post... bt tk the road ur heart wants u 2 tk...

Abhishek Khanna said...

i knw u r in a hard situation.. but u knw.. winners never even think abt quitting.. a day will come when he will realize.. n it will come for sure

Sunshine gal said...

You hv had a heart to heart conversation with ur own Heart...Why not ask him 2 do the same with his own heart??if you to cum up with the same answer may be it will b eaisier for you two to work towards achieving Your("tomader") Desired Dream...

Just a mechanical willingness to continue wont do....you need to analyse exactly where the changes are required....

Take Care...Hope to hear better news from you, in the near Future...

curryegg said...

Sometime we will lost... and don't know our path..

Nice post! It has made me thinking about mine.. ;)

Ashu said...

Awww, you hv written great one. I liked it. If u ask me, then chuck the ego and talk of individuality in the relationship. its going to be us and we, not i or he or me and she.

read somewhere : "relationship s all abt being we along with being i"

think over what you want and dont call quits just cos of this feeling. this may be a paasing phase. if u wish take a break, then think abt it.

a break wud help for sure.

Cheers

Ashu

phoenix said...

@keshi
hmm...

@fire
well..true but should both mind and heart decide?

@abhishek
i truely hope so

@ipsy
its not how it seems re..

@ashu
isnt it the same?me working towards it everytime

@curry egg..
dont think...not too good for good decisions..im a confused idiot..dont follow me.. :P

Cosmic Joy said...

Your post reminded me once again of the eternal struggle we face between our emotional hearts and logical minds .. a struggle in which you lose, regardless of the outcome.

Peace.