i sat on the tank.the top most place of our terrace.it has always been my hiding place since childhood.whether unhappy or heart broken,happy or upset,it has been my retreat for every mood in every walk of my life.it is the only place i can let the tears flow freely,without feeling abashed.it is a place where i am me.today to in the diminishing light of the day,with dusk spreading it dark cloak all over the vast expanse of the sky, i sat there peacefully lost in the conflicting thoughts within my head.i felt a tap on my shoulder,i look up to see her sitting right beside me.
she-what are you mulling about?
me-i am trying to analyse what is it that i really want in life?
she-boy friend trouble?
she-what is it this time?
me-well loads of things which i haven't been able to untangle myself.i have a perfect guy in my life.he is loving caring but very immature.
she-so what?i think you are matured enough for both.this is the real meaning of a relationship.what one doesn't have the partner compensates for it.moreover no one is perfect.we all have our short comings.you have them too.
me-yeah i realize.but the thing is,each and every time i sacrifice and do whatever it is required of me to save this relationship,and he just expects me to do it each time.he wont ever do anything for "us".i am tired of being the matured one,the one to make all the compromises.i am tired of neglecting my wants and wishes because i have to understand what he is going through.and the fact that i understand seems to be taken for granted.just because i understand that doesn't mean that i don't have any reservations about it .
she-so what do you want out of him?
me-i want him to value me.to take the responsibility once towards our relationship.to acknowledge that i am a human being,i have my wants and wishes.to pamper me,treat me like i am indispensable to him.
she-he is a caring and loving person.more than which he loves you.
me-i know he does.but i want a bit more.today if i give up and leave.he wont call me back,he is going to let me go and blame me that i am disloyal to him.and that is unfair.
she-can you imagine a life without him?
me-i cant.i still think he is my soul mate.or else i would not have been with him.but i cant sacrifice my life,my wants and wishes for him,no matter how much i love him.because i have done quite a bit already and now i am saturated.i have realized that life doesn't just strive on love.you need to nurture it and for which you need to be mature enough to respect the other person.
she-are you thinking of quitting?
me-maybe i am not too sure.i want to be absolutely sure before i do anything.relationship is a serious business.
she-i thought you are a fighter?how come u are even contemplating to quit?
me-i have fought endlessly for the last 3years to make this work and i am willing to do for the rest of my life,if only he is at the end of the tunnel and he keeps up his end of the bargain.a relationship needs nurturing from both consenting people.only one working for it wont make it work.if we are destined together then in life we will be.maybe we are made to apart but then reunite?who knows the future?i am an optimist,so i never quit hoping for the miracle and if it doesn't i ll rise from my ashes.what do you think i should do??
she-it is your life.i am not here to advice you.i am here to be there for you while you decide what you want.ultimately it is you who have to make a choice.think hard and then decide.what can be lost can be lost forever.sometimes,things once done cannot be done.be very careful for what you wish and decide.be aware for what will follow.and once you hear your heart and mind echoing your thoughts synchronizing each other,you know what you have to do.until then don't take a step.what you are saying now,is your mind speaking but your heart begs to differ,it can suffer but not live without the object of the overwhelming love.think before you act....
me-i know you are right..but....do you think i should hand on...........??
i turned around but she was nowhere to be seen..was it a figment of my imagination or my conscience??i guess i ll never know..