Saturday, November 10, 2007

In Quest Of Happiness!

The Happy Face:ME

I have had enough. And I am so tired and exhausted being sad and depressed. And I look so ugly too with that practiced calm on my face. Damn! I’ve been melancholy for ages it seems and now I want to smile, life is tough and no one will make it any easier for me. Then why not do something to get rid of the plague called “depression”. I made up my mind to go on a “I am going to try and be happy” drive, what I realized that no one absolutely no one had the power to make me unhappy it is me who is allowing things to effect me the wrong way, causing me to be unhappy. Why not beat my negativity and strive to be happy? I just have to add that my first day at it was a major success. I was not in pursuit of happiness, but I tried hunting it down within me. I know I am happy but it got clouded by so much of negative feelings running through me. I was angry at my peers for being so mean to me and moreover on me because I couldn’t combat their meanness, I was unhappy at Samik because he just wont give me the happiness I deserve, and I had failed to make any kind of impact on him regarding my woes; he was as indifferent as ever. Last but not the least; I was disappointed in me, that despite putting in so much of hard work I just couldn’t manage to get the right grades. God! How I had converted my mind and heart into a garbage dump but adding my negativity to already tough life! Sheesh!! I must be some mental of sorts! “Why me” thoughts didn’t help either. Terrible terrible. And yesterday while I was being narcissistic and taking my own pics, I realized I thought I looked best by appearing serious or gruff, but then out of nowhere what I was doing came to my mind and I actually smiled and that very moment the flash went off and the pic was well.. Nice! I mean I can look good even while smiling so why wasn’t I? God! I must have been so mad to indulge myself with the negativity that always threatens to overpower us.

Earlier I was this bindas girl! Tomboyish, I dint have the worry in the world. But I had troubles too; regarding my crush on whom I had been crushing for 4 long years, my nagging parents who wanted me to get good grades in mathematics and I was never interested to comply to their wishes [ I was a rebel to the core]. I had fun to the full blast! I was always up to something, a naughty smile always perched on my lips, in my free time I was always planning new ways to combat mom and dad when they forced me to do something I just hated. I even devised an ingenious plan to rebel against mom, who never allowed me to read mills and boons. I got a stack of the books, put them in a polly bag and then tied a string to it and I lowered it from the terrace to the window of the bathroom which only I used. Obviously what followed were long, longer and longest bathroom sessions, I used to be in there for hours reading the books, the pot became my throne and the books my septre and the bathroom my kingdom, just to think I defeated mom at her game filled me up with a renewed glee …. There was never a situation I couldn’t control to my best advantage. I would run about with no concern of my long flowing hair, which needed care, climbing up some wall or another or going on long cycle rides or playing cricket on the streets with boys. Mom used to be hopping mad seeing a 14year old jumping around in the locality. God! What days those were… then what happened? I grew up! Lol! Or so I thought :P disgusting then I became prim and proper, I started to take care of myself and worrying about things that I could afford not to, no parents didn’t encourage me for the change I did, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

I know now it’s different, then I was 13 and now I am 20… but who cares... I am still young and the child in me hasn’t yet grown up, even though my mind has, I can still learn things in life without changing myself. One day of forcefully trying to be happy has taught me that I don’t have to force anything on me, naturally I am a happy person, its just that I tend to think and indulge myself in my thoughts a bit too much. I am a very optimistic person, seeing people depressed or indulging into pessimism has an impact on me too. I guess I have been reading or deal with a bit too many unhappy people who prefer to bask in their unhappiness and misfortune instead or trying to get out of it. Yesterday I lone diya taught me so much. In a room, pitch dark, a lone diya brightened up the whole room and also the adjacent one. Optimism and happiness are such things, if you are happy and positive you make others think the way you do and this way good cheer spreads so. I just hope someday I am able to emit so much happiness that others around will be equally happy and spread it. There will be enough time to cry and mourn. People come and go, friends become strangers, death distances everyone from their loved one, but isn’t it how it should be sooner or later? We are born to live, so what not make the full use of it? Trust me it feels great to smile, to feel the warm fuzzy feeling to spread all over. Its easier to bask in our pain and agony, sulking over how it hurts will make things just worse, why not defeat it all and let happiness ooze out which is dying to overflow with just try to free it… why not let the spirits fly… [in total fhilmi ishtyle] kya pata kal ho na ho [who knows if there is a tomorrow or not] :D

i am happy..... are you??

i dont think i could have celebrated my 200th post in any better way!

Congratulations Bloggy!!!


Compassion Unlimitted said...

200 th have a wonderfully fertile brain which unfortunately is getting tested by unfortunate circumstances .

But what could be the reason.If you think back carefully it could only be you !!A crush for 4 years ?thats amazing..either express it or forget it.Perhaps when you express it answer could be an YES or No.Either way you win .Get over the suspence.

You said the child in you is surviving the situation.You are lucky.Never allow it to out grow you.Maths can wait !!

We are the most important contributer of our own happiness and sorrow.Try to be associated with things or people who give you happiness..sorrow will automatically go to background

phoenix said...

thanks :)

you dont know me yet..i was crushng over this guy for fours years not wanting to express my feelings or hear him say YES/NO. i knew he was married...i was in love with love and he became the gunea pig in this experimentation...jokes apart i am very idealistic and romantic to the core when it comes to love...i have always believed...that if you are in love, you love someone enough for the both of u so it really doesnt matter if he says yes/no and his answer doesnt change ur feelings anyways....i am mad am i not? :P

about happiness...yes thats what i realized and thats exactly what i am going to do..

FireWhisky said...

200 th post... congos sweety... whrs d cake?

i love the way u wrote this post out... n i agree with compassion unlimited on the crush thing...

as for the rest of it... u only live as long as the child within u is alive... age is jst a number, raka... its nt 2 b taken seriously...

ani said...

Jus 3 things here:

1. Congratulations sweets!!! :))

2. You are as happy or as sad as you want to be!

3. In the depth of winter you find in yourself an invincible summer!


phoenix said...

@fireshisky & @ani

thanks a ton!i agree tp what you say and these kind and warm works mean a lot... :)

KAYLEE said...

you ok?