Monday, November 05, 2007

What could have been...

What could have been but is not is a rather potent and dangerously tempting, luring one to unknown. Wondering about it... is momentary bliss, which can often end up not so pleasantly, and when the illusion breaks and one is forced to embrace the reality, it is anything but pleasant, rather heartbreaking..

She walks through the empty platform towards the end, waiting for the train to come, thoughts come thick and fast. She shivers as a chill runs down her spine as her mind drifts off, she suddenly remember what He had once told her, whenever you are lonely I will always be in your thoughts at least to keep you company. She smiles as a tear escapes her otherwise leak proof eye-lids. ” I’m after all not all that tough.. I took him out of my life but never away from my thoughts..” she muttered as she allowed herself to think… one night, she had woken up suddenly, must have dreamt of something, the other side of her bed seemed empty and the coldness of the expanse beside her filled her with a sudden loneliness that reduced her to immediate inconsolable tears. She gave in this time, letting the darkness masquerade the tears that had been threatening for a long time. She dint know what occurred to her that she sent Him a text expressing how lonely she felt all of a sudden with no reason at all. It was after the text was delivered that she realized what she had just done, she had almost bled inwardly yet firmly she had chosen to ignore the obvious signs of love, refusing to read more into the matter, for his and her own good; and now she had reached out to the man who had made her a woman from a girl, who had taught her to fight for the one you love and she had in turn pushed him away and now she herself reached out for Him, knowing well that she may hurt him yet again. The screen of her cell began to flicker, it was Him, He was calling her back, even after what she had done to him. He must really love me to do this for me, must hurt Him damn much, yet for me He is still right there, waiting… what if we were together….. it has been 5 years and yet she wonders.. it is ‘what could have been’… that keeps her ticking even now, when he is no more and she still walks the same streets where they used walked light years back… she had outlived him but the thought of what would have happened if only she had allowed herself keeps her regretting and it is the regret that keeps her alive….

It is always what could have been that is intriguing and captivating.. if one allows oneself to drift one can easily loose oneself…and its one of the greatest temptation one can ever have… almost like the mirage in the desert.. What one hungers for, one sees and running after it foolishly one looses whatever one has… dwelling in a supposition often ruins the present as well as for the tomorrow that is yet to dawn. Living a lifetime of regret is one colossal weight to carry but life is not always fair and ‘shit does happen’… either one should just take the plunge and just do it, freeing the spirit and the soul from shackles of moral codes of conduct or doing the right thing; one just stick to the decision one has taken come what may. Pondering over what could have been and never could be will only complicate things… life never fails to amaze me… its intricacies … course of nature.. How even though one is hurt, but it is within oneself that there lies the cure to all the wounds, how with time there is nothing that cannot be achieved or healed.. I loved this dialogue where in the movie Jab We Met, Geet [Karrena] tells Aditya [Shahid] that she loves the game called life, “main meri favourite hoon” [I am my favorite!] it’s the simplicity in Geets thoughts and spirit that kept me wondering… what if the experience of life doesn’t not manage to make us cynical probably we would be better off…. But it’s the ‘what if..’ that keeps things unfinished… what if the ‘what if’s ‘could have been eradicated from the face of the earth? “What could have been but can never be… “

18 comments:

KAYLEE said...

WOW!

FireWhisky said...

vry gud post...

u knw wt... i always wondered wt if i hd a normal life wid 2 parents n normal frends n a normal routine... i think 2 myslf wd i b d person tat i am 2day... wd i hv found this identity f wt makes me "me" if i hdnt been thru wt i hv... n i knw in my heart tat d answer is no... life dsnt always mk u a cynic... it cd turn u in2 a survivor if u took things d rite way... n if u relly did learn ur lessons well...

Abhishek Khanna said...

nice one :)

curryegg said...

Uuhhh... Sometimes I am thinking that if I don't do my plan A, what will happen on me? If I choose plan B instead of C, what will be the result.

It's the same with this post, sometimes we can't look back on things that we've done and choose. We should look forward, not backward.

Lovely post phoenix! Good job!
;D

phoenix said...

@kaylee
:D

@firewhisky
very true..if we hadnt faced what we had we probably wouldnt have been what we are today... well as about surviving..see the thing is.. whether a cynic or not we survive,its the outlook we adopt after the incident.. btw nice thought!

@curreyegg
looking forward is the best thing to do...dwelling in the past is often more destructive than we can judge...

@abhi
thanks :)

c e e d y said...

Hey, I stumbled upon your blog thru a link and am glad I did.
What you are asking are basic spritual questions that most of us are afraid to confront. Life is a very interesting ride - its how we ride it that makes it exciting or sad.
What you write and I agree about kareens dialogue is a taboo in our society - people are called selfish if they think about themselves rather. We are "trained" to look out for others needs before ours.
Sorry if this sounds like a preach - just sharing thoughts which are similar.
I beleive that one should have the courage to follow ones dream - once they can be happy everyone around related will be happy.
Nice blog.

Keshi said...

WHAT IFs haunt me.

Keshi.

Rex Venom said...

Hee hee hee
Woulda Coulda Shoulda!
Interesting.
Rock on!

phoenix said...

@ceedy
you just spoke my mind..for days i have been mulling over the fact that i have always put others before me,never once did i eve contemplating to what i need or require...yeah society shapes us to do so..but the film[JWM] was phenomenal...it taught me that i should be able to live life on my terms only then can i be happy... and for once i do agree to this....
do keep visiting...

@keshi
it does to me too :(

@rex
thanks a ton!

preetilata said...

beautifully written post. will this "wat if" monster ever leave us alone..?

hmmm.. wat if i dint strt blogging..?? ..i wudnt hv mt u..n that wud hv been a heavy loss..:D

CHEERS.

TK CR
:) :) :)

Sunshine gal said...

Often we live in the ghost of "what has happenned" and in the fantasy of "what cud happen"..so mch so dat we tend to overlook the reality of "what is happening"...
I know U know it..Be Strong..Tk Cr,Hugs...

KP said...

Such nice post.....:)

Life is a journey not a destination....in this journey shit happens and life goes on.... we always tend to look back and realize...that i should have done this better....every thing happens for a reason and reason is always right one!!!

c e e d y said...

Hi,
Thanks for you insightful comment.
Just wanted to add one thing -
what you described as childhood freedom - which parents really control - is the physicality of it. Somehow in the society we live in that should not be looked upon as something that parents are trying to control your freedom. Look at it this way - your freedom in action gives some weird ideas to some guys and without your consent you get molested.....you then have to stay with that all your life.....that is what parents try to avoid.
What I was aiming at is the freedom of thought to do something which is not the normal pattern. Study, school, college, marriage, kids, house.....u know the usual pattern. We get so caught up in all this (you are still young so not caught up yet) that we forget who we really are. Life becomes an adjustment and continous reaction rather than exploring and absorbing before reacting.
Will like your input too and keep visiting :)

Sam said...

this is such a good post!! somehow u've left me gasping for words.... i can't figure out wot to tell u... but there seems to be so much locked up inside that i think i can say out right now.. nevertheless... great post.. keep them coming!!

Pri said...

very well written...
if only life didnt have the capacity to make us more cynical over our experiences, it would have been a lot more pleasant...
true, we cant help but wonder how it "would" have been had things been different...
Life is a sadistic bitch sometimes...it keeps making us hope and dream about things we know cant happen...
anyways...a very frank and well written post...
heres wishing u a very happy diwali :)
take care!

phoenix said...

@kp
well said this is what i believe too...there is a reason behind everything that happens...

@ceedy
brilliantly put..i get to learn so much form you... freedom of thought is always there... and what u sighted about molestation is true too but gender bias is always there.. had to face tad bit of it too...
im nt tht young too not to et caught of in the routine..infact i am :P

@sam
coming from you...it means much

@pri
life is truly a bitch at times...but the good times are always there peeking once in a while and that is what keeps us going....

phoenix said...

@preetilata
oh god! you would'nt ever do it na?i really hope you wont... :)

@ipsy...
yeah i do know...just had to write this post for various reasons one of which u already know...

phoenix said...

@preetilata
oh god! you would'nt ever do it na?i really hope you wont... :)

@ipsy...
yeah i do know...just had to write this post for various reasons one of which u already know...