Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Breaking Up!

Break ups are never easy. It often leads to a lot of heartache grief anguish and agony. Often not mutual, the one time happy couple splits to into being single again. While one finds life and time stand still forever, the other walks on, and what was once a happy liaison becomes one that is strained, often what happens is all contact is sealed all of a sudden. Suddenly all you have left is a bunch of cards, chocolate wrappers, bunch of bus tickets, gifts and cards. No longer do you have to remember birthdays, anniversaries or Valentines Day. suddenly even shopping seems a charade, when you have to limit it to just your clothes and have to restrain yourself from picking up something that you know will make him happy. a barrage of questions keep following you wherever you go, “are you single again? what happened?” it breaks your heart again to people sympathize with you or reveal that once the relationship that was the ideal was now no longer so. once the guy who loved you death has now found solace with a bomb of a babe and here you are, your kohl forever smudged, hair needing trimming and you just have to get some sleep. Break ups have always been something I failed to understand like divorces. I don’t want to delve into depressing thoughts in this post like, how painful it is to go on after a break up, but it is going to be about the change in the relationship after facing a break up.

I have been through a break up myself at a very younger stage in life. way back I used to think, when I am in love I will be with him for all my life, his family will be mine too and I will do whatever I can to make the relationship workout. Silly immature childish dreams that were. he was my neighbor, a hunk and all my friends had noticed him staring into my bedroom trying to do things to attract my attention. For some reason I never really took interest but it was just a matter of time. in time I started noticing him as well and with my friends encouraging me, It was just time and I was having a crush on him which I misinterpreted as love, and that was my first mistake. He tried speaking to me the first time, it was too filmy to be true in minutes I was not aware of what I was doing when I heard him ask me if I felt anything for him and I said yes which he took in a different context when I just meant I want us to be friends. He was elated and I didn’t have the heart to correct him. Then things evolved, my crush became affection and care and everything was fine until my friend had a crush on me. she created some strategic misunderstanding and we broke up. it was highly painful then to see my friend going out with my then ex, to hear her rant about how great he is, not once did she tell me that it was she who told him to get back at me to go out with her. Life was so difficult; I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t even cry for I didn’t want my parents to ask the cause of it, being an introvert it was hard to express. I developed gastritis from no food and extreme strain. in 1 month I was reduced to half my size and it felt that I was in a daze. in a month however that relationship dint last long and we had patched up again. it was hell then after the initial few days of happiness. I was instructed to wear only salwars and not meet up friends, not to talk to any guy [not that I new any] and each move monitored and blamed at for things I didn’t not do. Each morning id wake thinking I hope nothing goes wrong today and he wont be angry at me; id go to bed thinking, what wrong did I do today. I kept quite for six months until I found the courage to ask him what he wanted and prompt came his answer: a break up.[I later came to know he was seeing someone else]

That was it, the end. for months I was haunted thinking I was incapable to keep my relationship intact, I was to be blamed, parents by then had found out and kept me under house arrest, not that it mattered, I was called names ones that id not reveal ever. it seemed that the nightmare would just not end. I had to deal with everything alone and survive and how! And I was mature enough to grow out of my self blame and recognized how important this episode was to my latter life. I found Samik and this made me value him more and realize the gem of a guy he is, who pursued me for 6 months despite knowing how scarred I was and if today I am able to even speak of my first failed relationship, if I may call it so, it is because of him. He healed me and made me a new person.

In the last 4 and a half years, my ex put up an appearance from time to time, sometimes claiming to be friends, and sometime as a lost lover but all led to one thing : the want to teach me my place for moving on in life when he discarded me. This never however happened, despite him creating endless trouble.

What amazes me is, how a break up changes the two people who were so intimately associated. One does not necessarily be enemies just because the relationship has fallen through. Neither does one have to be overtly friendly the lest one can do is to be on a cordial terms so that if ever fate brought the two face to face, then one need not be embarrassed but smile in recognition and move on. But in most cases what happens is this break up totally changes the equation on which a relationship had blossomed. How does friendship, which I believe is the base for any relationship change with a decision to move apart?

P.S-sorry Ashu for not visiting your blog anymore and for saying that your blog depresses me. Honestly it reminds me of the times I have left behind. It has had a scarring effect on me, so generally reading about heartbreak upsets me.

17 comments:

Abhishek Khanna said...

love is one idiotic word.. god knows who created.. how can a person give right to anyone to hurt him /her..
how can a person become so important in just 2-3 years(sometimes itsnt tht long) to make a person forget past 15-20 watever years of life when she/he was a one man army..?
life isnt wasting for people who dont value you and your feelings..

^*^Clouds^*^ said...

Awwww...

All the best with Samik. :)

Have been reading your blog for a long time now.

phoenix said...

@abhi
love is not an idiotic word..it is a fulfilling and enriching experience...however like you said "life isnt wasting for people who dont value you and your feelings.."

@clouds
hey why havent you commented before?
btw thanks for all yor wishes:D

Bubbles of FireWhisky said...

hey... i understnd whr ur coming 4m... bt its nice 2 c hw u took all tat, learnt 4m it n decided 2 move on...

The Lover said...

hmm...i'd rather not say what i really want to say but anyway I feel the same about some of the things u have mentioned here....

Sam said...

the best part of it wall is that u learnt!! many never do.. and some take things teh wrong way and go berserk... a frnd of mine became a playboy after his girl dumped real bad... now he abstains any personal relation with any girl.. apart from family!!
the reson at times post-break up ppl chose to move out is because they had given so much to it, that finally wen things fall apart it hurts.. adn prolly deep down eotehr they still care too pasionately for each other or hate... its teh extreme of emotions whcih drive them apart post break up!!
and yeah, best of luck with Samik!!

★●Shadow Stalker●★ said...

That point of yours, one soul goes on happily & the other suffers isn't always true, after the break up, both of them experience some mutual sad feelings, if may be more or less, but, there are some feelings at least, coz, the person with whom you spent 4-5 years so intimately, will be close to your heart naturally & it takes quite an effort to erase the past memories.

-Sam.

^*^Clouds^*^ said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog.And I didn't leave any comments before maybe 'cause i was too scared. :)

In any case,I'm putting you on my Blog Exodus List.

And this break up reminded me of a whole lotta stuff too..

You're a virgo?When's your birthday?

KAYLEE said...

OH THAT WAS SAD TO READ :( I miss you!

Keshi said...

yes it does scar for life..but it heals somehow.

hv u read my recent post 'Life After Love'?

Keshi.

Abhishek Khanna said...

i din mean tht way.. those were just my thoughts..
sorry

c e e d y said...

hey it is disheartening....but you are being too harsh on yourself....beleive life has many more surpises that it will shower you with - you have to train yourself at this age to let things be as they are and latch onto something more invigorating.....
i am not trying to preach but just helping someone so young to try and look at life a little differently :)

Rays Of Sun said...

Reminds me of the song by ABBA
"Breaking up is never easy, I know
But I have to go"
Some times in life, one has to make that decision if the relationship is not working and you don' see a future together. Tough as it may be.
Being single ain't that bad..Some one else tuly deserves you always!!

phoenix said...

@fire
hmm yeah...

@lover
i can understadn...im nt trying to hurt anyone here

@sam
thanks a lot!

@shadow
yes that is true...both sides get hurt..sooner or later

@cloud
why scared?god!will blog roll you as well once im back ok?

@kaylee
i miss you too :(

@keshi
yes i did read...and i understand

@abhi
oh c'mon you are entitled to have your own views too and that i fine :D

@ceedy
am i being harsh on myself?how?i always want to see life the way others view it..do enlighten me :)

@rays
being single aint bad at all....i tend to preach it as well...i used to love being single to the hilt in the interim period between break up and hook up!:P

Sach said...

breaking up may b painful..it is in fact! but with every break up you learn...
Well written!

Teddy said...

Hey Raka, my blog is no more depressing. Optimism has got some flare back!!!!!

Ashu!!!

phoenix said...

@sach
thank you n thts wht i belive as well

@ashu
will b back on :)