Thursday, February 28, 2008

I had a tiff with samik on sunday,ever since i havent been recieving his calls or answering his sms's,today i couldnt contain myself and i gave him a missed, and pronto!his call came!phew!weboth were relieved to hear each others voice,i wonder how i survived four days without taking to him! alls well now! yay!! :D

i have a test tomorrow so now its back to books! :(

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Gloom and despair visited me once again and successfully conquered my optimism as I gave in to desolation and hopelessness. It is amazing how my castle made from ruins of the onslaught of fates cruel designs, fell prey to her for the umpteenth time! Mercy is what I seek but even in my darkest hour does fate yield to me and happiness eludes me.

It is often said, the good is always rewarded and the wrong punished but in my lifetime and my experience has witnessed, just the contrary. The undeserving gets rewarded while the hardworking is dealt an unjust hand by fate or luck!

I never really believed in luck, man makes his destiny, and this was my conviction. But today’s incident proved that indeed life is not always fair and deserving always gets let down when others pave their way ahead. I have been a lousy blogger ever since I came back from my trip, the reason being my last semester results which were terrible and I have putting my ever waking hour into struggling to make up for all those times. I have cut down my sleeping hours from 7 hours to just 3-4 hours per day. Instead of spending time frolicking with friends I have put in extra hours to do research work. And what is the result? Just the same, people who copied got the same marks as me and people who hardly do regular classes, who are unaware of what is being taught in class until the day before the test, who hardly work as hard as some of us have: have merrily scored high and what a relish it is for them! Nothing can be more depressing and frustrating than this! Value for labor and hard work is hardly the yardstick to measure ones credibility. Where foul and unfair means are adopted to move ahead! Where is the justice therefore? And what happens to those who truly deserve the fruits of their hard work. Probably these marks will loose importance in times to come, what about the scarring effect it has on the mind and the zeal to prosper, what happens to the hours of toil one puts in to genuinely do well. Isn’t their efforts and hard slogging thwarted? How then does one find the courage to fight, to struggle to do good when all they are disenchanted by the state of affair! Is it then that good will never be rewarded and the bad proper, do we all adopt foul ways to prosper or stick to their conviction and their karma? I have lost my line of reason and totally disillusioned by the way life works.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Tiger By The River

Ravi Shankar Etheth

One of the modern delhi's more blessed inhabitants and direct descendant of the last king of panayur in kerela,swati sharma makes a pilgrimage back to the palace of his birth to scatter his wife's ashes in the sacred waters of Papanasini river.

there he is reunited with antara,a childhood companion and now caretaker of the crumbling ghost filled palace and that was his home.as they talk,sharing memories and exchanging secrets, thousands of miles away,Vel-a cousin of swati sharma never knew he had-sets out on a quest for the truth about his family that will take him from America to Berlin and ultimately to Panayur.and so begins an extraordinary journey. one that will elad both swati adn vel back through the cruel and bloody, vibrant and myth filled history of the kings of panayur to the legend that lies at its heart-the legend of the tiger by the river....

rich, seductive, sometimes erotic , this spell bounding novel full of mystery,magic and wonder is the debut of a singular new literary voice.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Love


Love is that one thing that sustains life. i live to love.we all,consciously or unconsciously crave for someone to love or be loved by.some too engrossed and entwined with the complexities of life ignore it.some find it a waste of time and some like me,always crave to be loved and to shower my unconditional love to that precious someone who would know how to receive it.

the reason behind writing this post i a cute little boy,age 3 who has taught me to love unconditionally and reinstated what i had always believed, that, none but kids can shower love without any expectation or reason. they just know how to give and receive love.

priyam is 3,he is the cutest little tot who barged into my life and laid his claim to my life securing a place in my heart without having to invest any effort!i wonder what kind of father he had who begot him and before even knowing that he had given life to a part of him and abandoned his wife, when his son, priyam was a mere foetus who was being nurtured in his mother womb.priyam is now the impetus for his mum to brave the world of sarcasm and scorn, and bring him up single handedly.

he is someone i have come to love, like i have never loved before.it is not pity that i feel..it is as if my existence has been made worthwhile with his presence.when i come back home,tired and fatigued having been in college all day [college can be depressing] it is the look of glee and overflowing love that i get from him, that takes away from me all strain of the day.

i get a giant hug from him and all unhappiness is squeeze out of me and staggeringly i manage to hug him back,holding hi, closer to me.it is when he rains kisses all over me, that i know life is worth the struggle,for it entails such love.

love is strange, it comes into our lives unannounced like never before.for all those who thought love can only be between two lovers think again!it took a 3yr old who taught me what life couldn't,love comes in any form,it is us need to have the courage to open to our hearts to love.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

TAG

clouds tagged me yay!

Life ten years ago :
ten years back i was 10, so i was in class 5, the head girl of my [junior] school,it was a matter of great pride to shoulder such responsibility.life looked so much better,my best pal was with me in everything i did.junies looked up to me :).since it was the last year in junior high, it was a year of nostalgia, when growing up loomed like a monster ahead.then there was a desire to grow up and finish studies.amidst all happiness,fun and frolic was a lull of pain losing a dear friend the same year to a fateful disease.that was our first encounter with death!it shook our group but we all survived it!

Life a year ago :
i was in my first year in jadavpur university.life looked perfect.i had a perfect set of friends.i was enjoying myself and all good things was happening to me and i was having a ball but then my illusion broke and the faces behind the masquerade emmerged and it was gory and horrendous!

Life tomorrow :
i have an internal.i will be doing things i dont want to do,but i will be doing it anyways because it is expected of me.i will go through my monotonous routine of life because that is what i am supposed to do!arggh!

5 snacks I enjoy :
1.zinger burger [KFC]
2.pizza [dominos]
3.chicken roll
4.kachouri
5.batata puri...

*slurp slurp*

5 locations I'd like to run away to :
1.Vizaq

2.Ajanta and ellora caves
3.Paris [the city of love]
4.Harappa and mohenjodaro
5.forts ad fortresses of Rajasthan

5 bad habits I have :
1.im prone to depression
2.i ponder a lot about irrelevant stuff!
3.idealist!
4.i fuss a lot about people i love!
5.im insomniac

5 things I love to do :
read
talk to people i love
listen to my ipod
write my journal and my blog
be lost in thoughts!

5 things I'll never wear :
a bikini
a thong
midriff bearing top
tube top
backless choli

5 Biggest joys at the moment :
firefly
memories
feeling alive
having the peace of my mind
doing things i want to do,not have to do

5 things I don't like :
liars
hypocrisy
diplomacy
pretendind to be something im not!
wasting time

Something to achieve next year
cracking the entrance and getting into my dream profession!

Something that has impacted me last year :
i have learnt to live alone

What I'll Miss About 2007 :
my trip to delhi

5 things I wanna do before I die :
become a journalist
have kids
get married to samik
visit firefly's hometown
write a book

now i tag
firewhisky
abhishek
kaylee


Monday, February 18, 2008

I have known her as my little sister. I must have been blessed the day I came across her blog almost a year back. A teenager, in love with life, always having something to say and share, she touched my heart. Soon we became good friends and now she is my favorite sister. It’s always fun to talk to her, advise her on numerous occasions and scold her too when she does something she isn’t supposed to. With a heart of gold, she is always up to something. Knowing her has been a revelation! She lives half the world away, i haven’t met her, or heard her voice, but i know my lil sis. blogger brought us together, she is unlike those who have come touched my life and moved on, she touched my life in more ways than one. Seeing her suffer the perils of heart ailments, made me wince in pain. Her anguish made me want to console her. She has the strength to tide over some really tough times. She is a fighter and never gives into despair. Courage never eludes her as she battles her illness like a brave heart. My sister has taught me to fight against odds. Now to see, her face combat one of the deadliest diseases like cancer, I can hardly be brave for her as tears continue to flow. What do I tell her now? How do I help? What can I do to make a difference? There is nothing I can do. Except be there and that is exactly what i will do. Hey sweetheart! My darling sister! Have faith and be strong this is just another hurdle you need to cross. God has great things planned for you, so don’t give up. Fight for yourself, nick and all those to whom you make a difference, fight for me kaylee and everything all will be well again! Remember always that i am there, and you are never away from my thoughts and prayers! Love you loads lil sister *hugs*

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Random rambling

I have been a lousy blogger of late. The girl who used to blog 16-17 posts per months has hardly managed 10 posts till now. The month is yet to end so I am reassured, things can be still amended. Firstly my life has become a little bit more hectic! And at the end of the day I just manage to scribble in my daily journal before falling asleep.

Sanskriti, the JU fest has just ended. We are now finally out of the Vizaq excursion hangover and now it will be purely studies. Loads of internals coming up in the following weeks and for those who haven’t read how pathetic my results were last semesters, here’s the news: I have managed a first division but have got by far the lowest, and that too for dumb tamil. I don’t want to blame a pain in the ass subject for my bad performance, maybe I should have just studied more. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Life has changed a lot after the trip, and so have I! I have become more patient and tolerant than before, I tend to understand and think before reacting. Its good to have a companion to finally talk my heart out! Loneliness is there lurking somewhere and slips in every now and then but her visits have become somewhat infrequent!

I’ve done different things in the past few weeks! Getting drunk, becoming a bit more experimental and have started explaining myself to people who matter and that resolves a lot of things. Samik and I share a matured equation now, and that makes not only our relationship more secure but also us. This is giving a definite shape to the relationship. now I see a distinct direction this relationship is taking, and that is heartening!

It finally feels great to go back to college! Im eager to do my classes [as opposed to before] I even get up before the alarm goes off! I have this energy to do things and I do and this is all because I have a peaceful mind and a heart devoid of any complicated emotions! Firefly is here and I know things will fall back to place. There are apprehensions and fear as to just what will happen now, I am even scared to indulge myself, restraint is important to secure the harmony in life and that is exactly what I am striving for!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

my first experience of getting drunk!


Getting drunk was a wish I had harbored from a really long time! The problem was the same always, either I hated the odour or the taste or I couldn’t make myself do it, I am way too principalistic and moralistic to do anything that I am not supposed to! ‘how will I reach home?’ what will my parents say! What if I do something I shouldn’t? these thoughts were never away from my thoughts! But something happened that night! Our fest is going on, on our university campus, and these few days everyone is allowed to stay out till late and its almost like an festive occasion. All of a sudden it was decided that we will drink. It was a bolt from the blue which nearly petrified me, when I heard myself saying I would drink vodka. I had previously sipped vodka once, that was only a bit tolerable as it tasted like savlon others were yukkk!

After a nervous 15 minutes, the guys got it and we found a secluded place. My cold drink was laced with vodka and in fear of being caught by the gaurds I drank the distasteful drink at one go. Then I sat down with the others. It was then the first punch came, I started feeling a little fuzzy, as if I was on a roller coaster and it felt damn good. My friends say, I was smiling ear to ear, hugging my friends and claiming that I was feeling happy and was surprised at myself to actually do and do the one thing that I disliked the most!

Thankfully I had a dear friend dropping me home that day, for soon I started feeling disoriented [though I was in my full senses]. And what a stroke of luck! Even the current wasn’t there, so, somehow I reached home, silently changed and told mum that I am not hungry and just dove for my bed! When Samik knew later I was drunk, he was calm and very surprised and insisted that I should have a sip with him the next day, and I had to obligeJ! The next day on Valentines Day we mixed the same, but that day I couldn’t drink, instead forgot all about it until I came home and found it in my bag! I had loads of rasagollas that night on mum’s insistence and then retreated to my room and finding the bottled with my spiked drink, I decided to finish it off. It was then I got the first real punch of getting drunk! Going by what I was feeling, the day before was nothing! I was so wobbly that I couldn’t make it to the desk which was just 2 meters away! That night I spoke to two of my favorite people, who tried getting things out of me, questions were asked and I was in full senses even while drunk, and I answered accurately! I guess this was the high for me knowing that despite being drunk my conduct or my thoughts were as it would have been had I been somber!

Getting drunk was an experience of a kind but not something I would try anytime soon! It is personally not my thing! Despite having a ball and loved the fuzzy feeling I would not like to make this an habit! All kinds of experience is required and this too and now I know what getting drunk is, and I can securely say I need no drink to pacify me! Been there done that and I am too scared to do it again! J

Monday, February 11, 2008

how do i masquerade the happiness i feel
how do i conceal the depth of feelings i harbor!
how do i accept the brutal reality:
that nothing is ever going to be the same!
how do i live? knowing you are there
but far beyond reach!
the void is already there
as the magic wears off....
will i ever have you around?
will i ever get to hold you hand
will the lost times ever visit us again!
whatever tomorrow brings
i will still be around,waiting for you!
if ever you should need me!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Travelogue

The trip has been a revelation. The decision of going for the trip was probably the wisest decision I have ever taken, had I succumbed to my initial apprehension and not gone, I cant perceive of all the things I would have lost out on and specially the beautiful moments that I had the privilege to experience. A big thanks truly goes to both Shubhankar and Arindam for making this trip possible!

I went for the trip with no expectation and with no special agenda, all I wanted to do was forget every animosity and go with the flow with the people I know as classmates in a beautiful land for 6 days, for soon a year and few months will be up and we all will move on the way destiny had planned for us.

I woke up on 31st with familiar butterflies in my tummy, I was excited, to see what was in store for me and just how the next 6 days would shape up. For a person who is prone to homesickness, and I was amazed to find it never came to me. It was a happy occasion when we all met up in the station, the excitement and the thrill was palpable. It was tough to feel a sense of déjà vu even amidst such merrymaking. Soon we huddled up and boarded the train. As the train started rolling out of the platform the cheer that shot though the compartment was a proof to just how much this means to each and everyone aboard. Within minutes everyone was settled down to chat, eat, or play board games; I managed to sneak unnoticed to a solitary bunk to pen my thoughts in my journal. One of the extracts from my journal says that I actually had no expectation or inkling as to what was coming up for me. We all went the night cooped into one segment of the compartment, sleep evading us and excitement of being together away from home working as a catalyst. In the wee hours of the morning we got off at Vizaq. Our hotel was nearby so it took us about an hour to reach the hotel, get allotted our rooms and finally flop down on the bed to relax.

The first half of the day was spent going to “shimachalam” a temple on hilltops a little away from the city. We then moved to the “fishing port” it was there that we had the first glimpse of the ocean and it was breathtaking. We just couldn’t get enough of the ocean, waves breaking on the boulders and sprinkling us all over. The trip by then had started look a lot brighter and it sure looked like one pleasant ride ahead! What none of us we expecting was for our results to be out! To some it was some pleasant news! While to others like me it was earth shattering. Gloom and depression surrounded me, when everything ceased to make sense; it was a blow below the belt, an undeserving one! With the heavy heart we went to the marine drive, to Kailashgiri and then to the RK beach. It was in the beach that I found solace and calm for my troubled mind, I found a companion in one of the nicest persons I have ever met, and Arindam proved that he was indeed the silent friend who would wordlessly understand and comfort you.

The next day went away in a series of events; we went to the beach at Rishikonda. The guys were engaged in beach football while girls choose to play some games or just sit down. Thankfully I had my uncle and aunt, through whom this trip was possible, I took time out of brooding and accompanied them to the parts of the beach which others wished they had been to. It was really a breathtaking sight! The afternoon was spent huddled up in our room, trying to catch some sleep, five of us squeezed into one bed, some sleeping while others staying up to chat. Evening saw us at the beach and then the magic was woven and it was all ours. The ocean has a way of being generous, it took away all the grief and anguish and gave me back the one thing I had been longing for, for ages, it was a blessing that meant so much and went even beyond our wildest expectation. However that wouldn’t have happened if others were not there, at the right place at the right time! And that night I slept peacefully for the first time in eons with smile adoring my face, I was truly happy.

The train trip to Arraku valley was specially strenuous and tiresome for me. The night before, I had whiled time away getting to bond with a friend whom I always wanted to get to know better. My health wasn’t too well and it was pretty harrowing. After freshening up I fell into a dreamless slumber only to be woken up for lunch. In the evening we watched Santhals perform for us and we too joined them at their rhythmic almost intoxicating dance form. The sleeping arrangements were such that girls were allotted dorms and the guys rooms. At night all of us sprang a surprise on Mrittika wishing her on her birthday, and it was one touching moment for all to see her touched as Rohan sang her a soulful song. The night was spent in playing dumcharades and then the UG2’s huddling to discuss ghost stories. We had to sleep with our lights on that night.

Even though I was aware that I would probably never get the opportunity to spend time with my classmates as we all graduate in a year, I choose to keep to myself. There were answers that I was in quest of and the peace that I wanted to restore. In times of misery when the gloom was closing in, I got back something that I had lost ages back and what a celebration it was. No trumpets blew, no congregation was present and surely no prying eyes, worlds ceased to exist, as something ethereal took form and all was well again!

Train journey back home was probably the most painful ever! Home loomed menacing ahead and none too happy to return. The last evening was spent in darkness as the boys kept a vigil on us; soon the lights were fixed in our compartment but none too keen to face the brutal reality: that we would be home even before the night was out! Heart hardened and almost lurched, gloom and apprehension ruled, hours passing swiftly and soon it was time to disembark. With a jolt my world of fantasy and magic came to an end! It was all lost. Nothing will ever be the same. All I had was memories of happier times to last me a lifetime, everything else slipped into oblivion. You win some, you loose some! I won lot more than I lost! I feel blessed!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Back!

i just came back today morning from our excursion from vizzaq, arraku valley and rishikonda. im too overwhelmed to write coherently. Loads happened and all good things details will come later. our train reached kolkata at about 4.30 in the morning andwe all disembarked with a heavy heart. it felt weird coming back from what seemed like paradise. its been long since we have rested and tiredness have left our sore limbs, sleep has been caught up with but nostalgia grips us painfully and the sms's and calls haven’t yet stopped from pouring in.it all says the same thing; how much we enjoyed ourselves and just how much we are all gonna miss this trip. thanks a ton to Arindam and Shubhankar for arranging this trip and making the dream come true! now that it is all over i long for the beaches and the one place that gave me what i had always longed for!im truly blessed! these are the pics i had promised.this is my orkut profile link..there are some 100 odd pictures that i have been able to upload, do let me know how you find it and the travellogue will soon follow in the next post!enjoy!
enjoying our first view of the ocean
at the naval base at vizaq

vizaq as viewed from shimachalam



in shimachalam




on our way to shimachalam



sharing the excitement of being together for the first time,away from home.




huddled together for the journey that lay ahead of us