Friday, May 30, 2008

The wake up call

The key finally turned and I gave the door a slight push to open it. Putting the key and the bag of groceries on the counter I proceeded to the shoe rack to put my shoes in. I’m a very meticulous person and why not? I’m a Virgo right? I’m supposed to be a perfectionist. I flopped down on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table. It’s been a long grueling day. What with deadlines to meet and Sujata on leave, so more work and that important meeting tomorrow and I’m not really complaining, after all I live to work and I happen to love my work and in any case I don’t have anyone to come home to or someone I’m dating and this just works fine for me. Lonesome? Not really. I have Bruno to keep me company and ‘no-one dare’ call him a dog.

He is still a pup, I had bought just four months back when I moved into this one bedroom apartment, it is small and sparingly furnished but it is mine, somewhere I belong and Bruno is now my family. I do have a perfect set of friends contrary to what most believe. They are this fun gang, radically different from me, they turn up once in a while and dig me out of my paradise and drag me all over town and hooking me up with one of their friends or other but with no such luck till now. Actually I don’t want to date I’m happy this way. Seeing people getting hurt, boy friends cheating on their girls friends, marriages breaking, the youth indulging in drugs and liquor really makes me want to puke so I’m happy to be away from all the things that threatens even remotely, to link me to that dark world.

I had had a nice cool shower and was on my way to cook my dinner when I found out that the gas cylinder had finished. Now to get dinner I would have to haul the cylinder from the small cloak room to the kitchen, I was reluctantly starting at the job when the door bell rang, I just peaked in through the eyehole to find this naughty pair of eyes staring at me. Vexed I opened the door. And I was hardly prepared to encounter what I was about to witness. A drop dead gorgeous man, with his tee clinging to his lean frame was staring at me. He must have been working out because sweat had stained his tee and he was in his work out suit. He had the curly hair that I found so cute and the crinkles around his eyes made him look adorable. I jerked my attention back to reality and let my senses get the better of me; I had an aversion to good looking men, even those who were not the typical hunk material. Back on my guard I look at him quizzingly.

“Umm… I’m your new neighbor, I just moved in today and I thought id drop by to say hello.” He said

Mentally I groaned, he is going to live beside me so there is no way I can avoid him. But I’ve never been the one to be rude outright so I replied instead “ well that’s great, I do hope you have a good time.” I added without thinking “would you like coffee?” now why did I ask, I surely didn’t want a hunk running around my paradise in his shorts while I played the perfect host to him.

“Sure, if you don’t mind.” He said as he strode in. “I’m Anirudha Banerjee, a software developer working in a multinational company.” He said when he had seated himself.

“I’m Ankhi, I’m a copywriter in an advertising agency.” I said as I got up to get the coffee when I remembered the gas cylinder that had to be replaced. I went straight to the cloakroom and started dragging it out. I could have asked Anirudha to help but no man is going to teach me how to live my life when the only man who mattered had not even bothered about me when I was growing up.

As I proceeded to fix the cylinder my thoughts were all clouded and I was decidedly angry at letting this unknown man in my house, a safe haven away from the male infestation. But he was not really unknown, I had heard so much about this man, the lift man of the building was singing praises of his kindness. Mrs. Sen couldn’t stop ranting about his ability at his field and even hinted of he being promoted to the position of CEO in a few months on the basis of sheer hard work and skill. Mr. Agarwal my old companion in this new city and this multistoried apartment, too seemed to be greatly impressed by this man. The fact that this guy managed to make the grumpy and gruff Mr. Agarwal like him was no mean feat and this made me immensely angry. What arrogance! What makes him feel so happy and cheerful, I just hated his temperament. His disposition unsettled me and I was almost sick of hearing about him, that I couldn’t believe that I was actually making him coffee. Arrgh! I do land myself in all sorts of trouble and this man surely was one with a big “T”.

While I was making coffee, Anirudha had walked to the veranda close by and was reading my favorite book of poetry. He seemed lost and abruptly turned around when he heard my footsteps. “I didn’t realize you were here. I hope you don’t mind me filing through this book, this one happens to be my favorite.”

There he goes, trying to impress me. Drat not one man can stop at just a plain conversation. My attention shifted when he said. “so which poet is your favorite in this compilation? Mine is Toru Dutt ‘The Casurina tree’. Pity she died so young, quite a talent she had.“ So he has some knowledge about the book and he wasn’t really fibbing.

“Well I happen to love her. I can connect to her emotionally and the ethereal quality of her poems fascinates me” I found myself blurting out.

“SoAnirudha what brings you to Pune? I assume you are from Kolkata since you are a Bengali.”

“Primarily work. I got myself transferred. And I wanted a new reason to live. What about you? Are you from here? Or are you a migrant here too?”

“Well after landing myself a job in my campus-ing, I permanently shifted here. This is my home now,” I proudly gestured towards my minuscule apartment

“This is one helluva apartment madam, it has been done up with great taste. Moreover since it’s your apartment, something that is owned by you makes it even more precious.”

Whatever I heard wasn’t what I was expecting he would say but I was rather glad that he understood my need to possess something that is solely mine; and I found my guard slipping and myself relaxing in his company. For once I was able to overlook my prejudice about men and actually begin to talk to a man who was not ready to pounce on me.

“I see no family pictures here? So where is your family?

I was immediately back on my guard. I’m not really comfortable talking about my family, and anyway I hardly knew one. I was saved from answering as a whimper diverted our attention to my bedroom. I had forgotten all about Bruno, who had been locked all this while and hearing voices he too wanted to be present there.

Anirudha walked over and opened the door and out came Bruno almost running him over, sniffing suspiciously and ultimately he came over to nestle in my arms. Anirudha came back and sat down.

“This is Bruno. He is all I have. He is my family.” I said as I hugged him to me.

He is darn smart. A golden retriever right?” I smiled. It dint take Bruno anytime at all to be friend this bespectacled man whom I had almost hated all morning. This was surprising because Bruno was very possessive of me and hated strangers.

“So where is your family? You are old enough to be married now and have kids. So did you leave them behind in Kolkata?” I saw his face cloud and a painful expression adorn his face for a flicker of a moment when the calm and collected mask came on. I must have hit a nerve, I thought.

“Yes I have left them behind, or to put it mildly they have left me behind. And I do have a wife and kids.”

It didn’t strike me odd so I didn’t question him. Time had passed so quickly that I hardly noticed it was almost 10 and I needed to make dinner. Not wanting to make him leave yet, because I was beginning to enjoy my conversation with him; it wasn’t everyday that I had company, so I decided to ask him to stay over for dinner. He readily accepted.

“I was about to order food when I came over to talk to you. You see my kitchen hasn’t been set yet so I couldn’t cook. I’d like to stay if it is not a big problem for you. I’d really appreciate it” he had said.

While I hurriedly set about making dinner, Ani, [that was what he preferred to be called he said] went about setting the table. I never had guests over and neither did I ever bother to make preparations for dinner but Ani was in his own world. He asked me where the cutlery and plates were and went ahead placing them with precision. I was surprised, usually men never did this sort of a thing but Ani, was full of surprises. Dinner was pleasant with companionable silences and idle conversation. It was when we moved back to my couch beside the open balcony with desert when I finally asked what had been on my mind from the moment he had mentioned his wife.

“So did you have an arranged marriage or did you fall in love with your wife?” I asked, he looked stricken but answered, “It’s a long long story, will tell you sometime.” But I was adamant I wanted to know about this man and what made him so cheerful about life when there was so much to ponder about and so much to battle with each day and the biggest enemy was my emotions and the fear of being abandoned. But this guy seemed perfect. He was good looking, seemed to be quite prosperous, had wife and kids and to me his life seemed perfect; maybe that’s why he was always so cheerful. Thank god! At least someone has a good life, nowadays happy people were minority and so were good guys. All guys wanted were some meaningless fun and she wasn’t yet that progressive. The fact that Ani was married with kids somehow eliminated him her hit list and she relaxed visibly.

“Was that too personal a question to ask?” I asked.

“No it wasn’t really. But really that is a long story and it may not be that rosy.”

“I have the time of the world now. And I’m all ears for a story and I’m not that delicate that I cannot handle a story with its gruesome parts.” He gave me a ghost of a smile. I wondered why there were these sad and anguished expressions that surfaced for a fraction of a second and then disappeared. I hardly had time to ponder on that more, because he had begun his tale.

“I met my wife while studying engineering. She was my classmate and my best friend and my greatest competitor. We had this love hate thing that lasted for four years and it was during our last month in college, when we were distraught at the mere thought of leaving college, the hay days of our youth to embark upon a new journey onward; that I realized just how much my future seemed bleak without having Esha around. It wasn’t until almost the last day of college that I managed to muster the courage to confess my feelings to her. it was now or never. I was aware that I could loose her forever but I took the plunge. Surprisingly, when I dared to look up into her eyes. I saw tears, she told me she knew I would someday tell her that I loved her but what she had never anticipated was that I’d take four years to figure that out and even bother to ask her, for her feelings were out in the open for all to see. That was the happiest day of my life. I had hugged her in class with all our classmates cheering on. We cried harder thinking of just how much of courtship we had missed out on. While the other couples in our college bunked classes and gone out to watch movies. We had attended classes, solved sums trying to outdo each other.

Things didn’t seem to brighten because I would have to remain in the city for my first job while she would have to travel to Bangalore for hers. Amidst sobs and promises she left seven days later. Life almost fell apart for both of us. We managed to pass the days somehow for the next year. Then one day I she turned up at my doorstep early in the morning. She had come back to the city quitting her job. She had said that living a life apart was proving fatal for her and that she’d rather stay near me than work so many miles away from me. We decided to marry but not before she found herself a job in Kolkata. And that didn’t take her long and she actually managed to find work in my office and that too as my colleague. What luck! Our parents didn’t even raise their eyebrows when we declared that we wanted to marry. Then a year later I quit my job and stayed home to study MBA while she became the bread earner, we never had ego clashes. After I got my degree I joined a reputed firm; while Esha went back to business school. It was then she had gotten pregnant and incidentally our baby choose the day of her exam to put up an appearance. Esha had given her exam despite the labor pains racking her body. And only after the exams when she got out that she confessed as much to me. Arka was born within the next twenty fours hours and we were proud parents and I was even more proud of my wife. My life was blissful until tragedy struck almost a year and half later.

I had returned home from work. Together Esha and I put Arka to sleep and came back to the dinning room to celebrate the news that she so wanted to share. Over dinner she gave me a card that read, “Congratulations to the new dad” I was puzzled but when I looked up and saw the smile brightening my wife’s face I knew it. We were going to be blessed again. I almost cried. That night I almost clung to my wife, overwhelmed with love and happiness. My life was perfect and it was complete. But things fell apart that very night. A short circuit caused a fire and spread all over our apartment. We woke up only after the fire had reached the veranda of our room. We ran grabbing our essentials, Esha slowly made her way to get the fire extinguisher from the kitchen, while I ran to get Arka who slept down the hall. I tried, I really did to get in. I got charred and burnt but by the time I could just manage to enter the room Arka was lying still apparently he had fainted from suffocation. I picked him up and ran as fast as my legs would permit. I looked in the kitchen which was ablaze and Esha was nowhere in sight. I ran down the stairs praying arka and esha to be safe. In the streets I was Esha lying on the ground as the paramedics treated her, I ran to her, the doctors tried to make Arka breathe but didn’t so much as stir. Once he had spluttered but then he just fell lifeless in my arms. I had lost my son. My wife was overcome by grief and what with smoke chocking her mere existence she fainted; and was rushed to the hospital. After an hour of examination the doctor came out to say that the baby had died in her womb of suffocation and my wife was struggling to live but the burn was too severe. Esha never saw the morning dawn and she died in the darkess of the night. There I was abandoned, by my bundle of joys and my true existence, my kids and my wife. Then it took my almost a year to get back to office. But couldn’t. I went off to NY for a few months but then memories called me back. The love that Esha and I had shared gave me faith in my darkest hour and I found the strength to fight, to survive to live again. And here I am a new man trying to figure life, to look beyond the dark clouds that threaten to plunge my life into obscurity. Here I am fighting, like a warrior with life, to keep the memories of my wife and kids alive, to keep the youthful love alive; the love that taught me to be fearless, to hope and to give.

When he stopped, I found tears running down my face uncontrolled. I looked up to see a lone tear slip unnoticed from his youthful naughty eyes that looked so melancholy and anguished that I could barely breathe. He had suffered and suffered so terribly; yet he had the hope and the faith to look beyond his loss to try and live life because the dead had passed on and he was still alive.

“Do you know why I told you this Aankhi? That too on our first meeting? It is because I know there is wealth of pain that you harbor too, and I just wanted to share my grief to make you acknowledge your grief and finally let go of the past. We all need a little help, a comforting hug and some sound advice to prevent us from being sucked into the vortex of grief.” I was silent for a few minutes as his words sank in.

“My mother died at childbirth. Dad was heartbroken and withdrew completely from the world. I was just a child who needed love and reassuring but I got none. The only loving person in my life was granny. But she too died when I was just eight. I craved for my dad’s attension and hoped that someday he would look beyond his grief and turn towards me and embrace me. but he never did so much as to look at me. probably I reminded him of her, because I was told I looked like exactly like her; or maybe I brought back the reality of the fact that my mother was no more and I was the cause of his grief. That it was for me that he had lost her, forever. Then one day when I was fourteen, I had gone to his room with his morning tea when I found him lying lifeless. The doctors said that he had suffered a heart attack and the grief finally killed him. I was orphaned and I swore not to love and that would ensure the loved ones from abandoning me. I was thankfully left a large sum as inheritance which saw me through school then college. Until I finally landed a job in this city and the firm I’m working in.”


I hadn’t realized I was speaking until I left a pair of arms enfolding me in a warm tight hug, the arms held me securely as I cried my eyes out. Years of pent up emotion, pain and anguish. Ani’s pain helped me heal, to acknowledge my grief, and it was his optimism and outlook that now became mine. He held me long after my sobs had muted and the tremors had subsided. it was late into the night when he finally helped me up, and took me to my room. He pulled the covers back and tucked me in. for the first time in my life someone cared and I let him. Maybe life was like this, it flings in our lives the good and the bad and it also gives us the hope to brave through our distress. If the courage is within us we duel with life and wake up to a new life. And those who choose to dwell in grief lost the opportunity to live life again, for the second time.

Ani loved his wife but he lost her to death, yet he didn’t not despair but choose to keep her alive in his memory, his son will always be on his mind as will his unborn child; they will be reborn again; maybe if someday he choose to remarry and gave a family. But he would always love and remember them He gave a chance to life and life welcomed him back. And today he saved my soul and gave a newer meaning to my life. And this time I would fight, I would live, I would let life lead me forward and not dwell in the agonies of the past. I will survive.

As the sky lightened, and dawn broke I drifted off. For the first time in years I slept blissfully and at peace. It was almost 8 when the alarm woke me up. It took me a moment and then the memories of the last nights events came rushing back. It’s a new day! A new beginning! I thought as I got up with a spring in my step and feeling cheerful: I set about running the water for my bath deciding what clothes to wear for that important meeting. Bruno too seemed happy today! Life seems a lot better and finally I felt free.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

THE SECRET

Jeya had adviced me to read this book which he claimed was phenomenal. then i read about it being a best seller somewhere and i took the plunge and read it and i must say its really a revelation. if you liked paulo choelho's alchemist like i absolutely loved it then SECRET by Rhonda Brynes is just the book for you. no overdose of philosophy just the lucid language ans direct approach proves to be quite a healing process..... its a must read and a best seller worldwide. there are certain pathways in life which if we adopt can change our approach to it and open newwer avenues, and the secret of these pathways lies in us, and that is exactly what Rhonda Brynes does.

It has been passed down through the ages, highly coveted, hidden,lost,stolen and bought for vast sums of money.this centuries-old Secret has been understood by most prominent people in history: Plato, Galileo, Beethoven, Edison, Carnegie, Einstein-along with the other inventors, theologians,scientists and great thinkers. now the SECRET is being revealed to the world.

"As you learn THE SECRET, you will come to know how you can have,be, or do anything you want. you will come to know who you really aare. you will know the true magnificence that await you in life."

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Latest Bollywood Buzz

I see this insane trend making rounds.. every Tom Dick and Harry suddenly has a blog and an opinion to follow, that may be the what the reason is for blogging, however the real reason is publicity and more publicity. imagine us, blogging for god knows what, simply because we want to express ourselves or to make more like minded friends. our HOD had once exclaimed that he considers blogging is like seeking voyeuristic pleasure, i may not haven taken kindly to that comment then i do associate something cheap and so pseudo with it now.

Now i know how much we love writing and reading other blogs, and most have a certain personalised talent that sets us apart, and various blog posts often turn those lurking strangers to good friends. but awful as it may sound, nowadays it is nothing my publicity gimme. the trned started with Aamir khan, who literally launched a promotion of his film "Taare zameen par" in his blog. while most claim innocence, saying its just there way of connecting to fans, however even to lay man it seems sees through such a publicity stunt. Big B too has joined the band wagon. i mean really, can the stars even decide what they want a blog for? whether for publicity, or to hurl abuses at others or just to ensure that all attention is surely on them? im so fed up of reading reports of how Aamir has a dog named Shahrukh and how Big B has now targeted Anurag Basu and SRK.WTF yaar in your mutual dushmani why give a bad name to blogging, and just imagine Darsheel tare zameen par Safari now will have a blog too. phew what not people do these days. the only sane person i guess is SRK who takes things the knights way, held held high and dignity in place. he is extremely forthright to say that he is extremely busy for such things and his fans will love his despite his incapability to blog but he is not technologically challenged. wow such modesty. all you stars and aging stars do take a lesson or two from the badshah himself, after all he is not king khan for nothing...

and now us bloggers will just have to wish and pray that this trend makes way for the other so that we can get back to blogging in peace and not in unnecessary cheap publicity.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

whorehouse drama

well well so sorry haven't been online despite wanting to so desperately.actually i had exhausted my internet download limit so i thought id restrain myself to some extent :P! anyway the good news is that my semesters have ended earlier this month, in case i didnt already tell you, and thanks to mann aka manita deo alias miss firewhisky i got an opportunity to atleast apply for an internship with the The Telegraph;which in itself is a grand thing now getting in is somewhat irrelevant because i know we both tried our best :D . since samik had the week off last week we finally got to spent more time than usual with other, though nothing exciting happened.but these moments without the tension or worries to head home in time for my next days class or his office, we enjoyed each others company in our own relaxed space.anyway the week has gone by and new one here.phew!

wondering at the weird title?? well what ive been going though the last few days is nothing short of hell! and the kind of drama that nearly fatigued me. phew! this old friend of mine, who was my closest friend suddenly turned up and claimed i gave no time, im good for nothing and so on and so forth. she choose to fill my orkut scrapbook with her sentimental,irrelevant scathing words, which i could make no head or tail about?i wondered at this sudden outburst. since exams were on i could only pacify her by saying that id deal with it once im done with my studies! but she was in no mood to listen.called and smsed and hounded me, with her sobby stories so much that i snapped! god!some people know only to cling! uff after a lot of rona dhone scraps i called it quits. mom and dad finally understand the hell ive been going through. and guess what this so called friend of mine went even to the extent of reading all my scraps to all my friends and finally scrapped me back with another truck load of shit!finally i sent her packing off...sometime it was! a sad ending to a good friendship :( but the friendship that just demands and not understands,is in fact no friendship at all.


o there is this another bitch, a friend to turned into a rotten gold digger.she fibbed on an imaginary mishap and duped me of 1000 bucks.she was in fact a really nice friend,so i thought so.but then what can you say,never judge a book by its over,its way misleading. but anyway i guess the bitched needed the money more, i really pity her. i hope god stops her from begging or stealing from people, after they are bad habits, maybe her folks and school dint teach her soo... tut tut tut! :(

aaaaaaaa now for the biggest bitch ever, the mother of my newest student. filthy rich she is, and my my what a son! a wild life maniac, with a body odour that of a caged tiger, with the urge to go potty every few hours...shesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!and in academics he was nothing short of fused tube light.ive been devising plans to get the monster off my back when her mom did the honours herself :D. the bitch fought with me regarding pay[i wanted pay the the begining fo the month and she wanted to pay me at the end of it] she gave it to me 2 classes after she was supposed to.but i pardon even her poor lady sitting on a coffer with a hulk of a son to take care,i know what a life she must be having. no worries mam i forgive you

PS- i just wanted to shed my "miss goody two shoes" image and wanted to viciously bitch :) so pardon me :P

Monday, May 19, 2008

I’ve woken even before the first fingers of dawn had roused the birds. I had the most anxious night, punctuated with constant waking up and nightmares. In the end, unable to sleep I gave up altogether and began my day some four hour before, than usual. As I sat by the window a sense of brooding hit me. It was so like those days, early into my relationship when we used to talk almost 18 hours daily. It used to be dawn talking all night non stop. Around 5 am samik would tell me to get some sleep before I woke up again at 5.30 am for school. Some days those used to be. Sigh!

This constant roller coaster of life never fails to amuse me. Just when I had given up all hope, almost felt disillusioned love came back rushing. There are flaws in samik I cant probably ever live with, or even overlook but there is the knowledge somewhere deep down in my gut, that in his crazy way he does love me and need me. Probably the fault is in me, I am over critical not just to people but more so with myself. My inability to let go of things less perfect has been leading to several problems, but then trying however I may things never looked up. I had almost given up when love wriggled its grubby self and made its presence felt.

Buried somewhere deep within there is this un-satiable urge to love, and to nurture. And it takes us unawares when that special person creeps into the heart unnoticed. This was the worst month of my life four years back. I was in love with my best friend but did not have the courage to give this relationship a chance. I was anxious and frightened, I did not want to get hurt and somewhere I believed that I was incapable to love. But I was wrong. Despite being aware of how painful it must have been for him to wait for me almost six months before I had the courage to finally give love a chance. Misgivings were always there but blocking the voice that led me astray, I had taken the plunge.

Fear of getting hurt is our primary concern. How many times the fear of something unknown and uncertain has detained us from doing something, that would ultimately yield into something so beautiful as love. We are all afraid to love, to let someone see a part of us that we only know because we are vulnerable. But once the fear is overcome new avenues open up. None can ensure that feeling love will always be as ethereal as it once was in the beginning, fights will occur, the monotony of life will have it disparaging effects on it but at the end of the day, when the head will touch the pillow that special loved one will always be the last thought before drifting off to a much needed slumber.

Things have changed between samik and me and why wont it. I was in school and samik in his college. And now I am on my way out of college and he is already working. Being students and not being provided with surplus monetarily, like our peers [not because our parents couldn’t afford to but they thought not to and we didn’t ever consider asking]. So our outings were restricted to occasional meets, long conversations over the phone. I remember once, dad had gone to Hyderabad for the week and I pleaded with mum to let me out in the evenings that week, after a lot of persuading she had agreed. Unforturtunately, it was the monsoons and kolkata was flooded but that didn’t deter me, I left home with jeans rolled up, umbrella in one hand slippers on the other wading through knee deep water.

Times has changed now, with samik working, and im in college. Many a Sunday we can be found lost in conversation. Long and painful walks and those hitch hiked bus rides have been replaced by comfortable bike rides. But one thing that has not its essence of the love, we found courage to let in our hearts. Even now whenever any of us are in need or in trouble it is the other we call, the cause maybe as trivial as, samik having a nightmare or me having yet another woe regarding getting my salary.

Four years has passed since the day we first welcomed love into our lives. We have taken each other for granted now, but even that seems like a luxury and a privilege to assume our loved one would be there no matter what. Maybe the 18 hour talks have now replace by a mere 30 minutes to an hour [a little, no a lot more recently:P] and we get to meet up only on weekends, every Friday it’s the same eagerness we feel thinking about meeting each other and Monday morning the prospect of waiting for a week to do so is something that we both dislike but have come to live with.

Life has its strange rules. Just when you begin to settle down it throws open a new avenue. This unpredictability and constant fondness for change, is maybe what prevents life from being monotonous. Times change, our environment too, people change, sometimes we as people do, but what remains constant is the feelings that we once felt. Once the fear to lose the loved one is overcome, then love brings with it a trail of happiness, it brightens your life and makes it worthwhile. Nothing can be worse fate than fearing to attempt; for me the task was to, set aside my so called principals and conventions to acknowledge that I’m capable and in fact in love. Once I opened my heart to love a whole new world beckoned to me, I knew it would never be the same and it never is even four years down the line.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

stray thoughts

Ive always believed in expression. When in school I had started writing poems for my closest friends and sometimes for that someone I hoped to fall in love someday. To me love was something I wanted to feel, the warm heady feeling that chocolates could only try and substitute. Sometimes id get so moved by the book id read, that tears would stream down my face. Expression of emotion seemed to me as a freedom of my soul, that would take flight on its own accord. But then I was forced to grow up, I entered a world where I learnt it the harsh way that emotions are something one should keep to oneself, people don’t care two hoots what others feel. Thus I tried molding myself to the ways that the world that I was now living in demanded. I started contradicting myself and believed that showing emotions was a sign of weakness.

College life for me has been like the tide in the ocean. Sometimes turbulent and other times calm. Happiness was like the pebbled in the shingle beach and reality like the waves breaking on it. I have no complains in this phase of my life I was prepared to learn the rules that one needs to learn for survival and thus I too developed the fangs.

Now as I sit typing in a dark room trying to chain my stray thoughts I feel tears pricking my eyes. Its been months since id let things get to me, to let myself feel. But now the insecurities, the hopes and dreams all coming crawling back to my heart in the shadows of the darkness. Isn’t having such feelings human? Then why do people abhor such emotions as signs of weakness? Don’t we all dream and hope?

Im in the last year of college, soon I ll be graduating. All I hope and wish is to get that one opportunity that ive been waiting for ever since I was 10. not only am I fatigued with the company I keep, the people I need to encounter, the life im leading but also the monotony of the situation I am in. would I be able to grab hold of that one crucial opportunity and deliver my best to it? Doubts swirl like thick mist dissolving my resolve to put a brave front to all the insecurities that threaten to overpower me and draw me under.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Leap Of Faith

There she sat, on the deck of her car her face turned away towards the windshield. She had no clue why she drove up here, except that some vague memory of this place had haunted her for the past 10 months of her suffering from amnesia. Tears streaming down her face streaking the cold glasses, the pain and anguish of not knowing who she was and where she belonged to, was now unbearable. She wondered how long god will be cruel to her and hide her identity from her self. Each morning she would wake to a cheerful Laurie who would try and help her remember her life. This guy who called himself her childhood friend was not deterred by her inability to recall the past, each day she would try harder but all in vain. She couldn’t even recognize him. But she felt safe, for the care and concern mirrored in his eye. Will she ever get her memory back? Will she remember him? The pain she caused him by failing each time tugged at her heart and now she felt helpless. She sat up and hugged her legs and rested her chin looking ahead at the vision that stretched forward, now blurred by the think mist. Such tricks that fate plays.

Nearby a car screeched to a halt. And Laurie got out; Sara has been missing for almost two hours. What with her memory gone and her volatile temper, one had to be cautious while dealing with her. So when he found a pair of tracks leading to the hilltop, a secluded place that he and Sara would frequent in childhood, he decided to follow it. Once he spotted her car, relief flooded in, he was half scared that she would loose her way in the mist. He had spotted her lying there atop her car face shielded way on the glass. She had been crying. He knew. Her agony killed a part of him slowly and maliciously. But he could do nothing to remind her of her life before that fateful accident. Loosing her fiancé teddy must have been too big a shock to get out, he wondered.

Sometimes unable to bear the charade any longer, he longed to tell her how much he loved her, but then the fear of loosing her had stopped him in his tracks. He had always loved her when Sara was just a girl blossoming into a lady. With her over sized tee and baggy jeans and hair hastily tied into pig tails, she would play basket ball with him. She was the only girl among boys and was mighty feisty at it. He smiled as memories came back. He remembered that prom night when no one had asked her out and she had been up here, the very spot she was now, some 10 years old she was then, and he had followed her up and consoled her, and then under the stars they had wished. Wishing upon stars always reminded her of him, he was like the star who made her wishes come true each time; she had always said as she had hugged him for being there for her. He then had assisted her to the ball. How happy she had been to prove to the world that indeed there was someone who thought she was worthy. She had thought he had done it to please her, because he was her best friend; but he had done it because he had loved her. He had known it ever since. And even today he hoped, probably for the millionth time that she would remember her life before the accident, not for him but because it meant so much to her. She knew how hard it was for her not to remember even herself. But he was patient, he was going to prove the doctors wrong by assisting her to retrieve her memory, and time was irrelevant.

The forlorn look on her face tugged his heart; he knew she was trying to remember something; maybe the time had not come yet. The mist was clearing and the bridge and highway was soon going to be visible. Dusk was falling fast and there was a distinct chill was in the air.

As if roused from a deep slumber, Sara moved trying to analyze the pieces that were now falling into place. It was all coming back to her. she finally remembered. This place that was a witness to her friendship with Laurie, and the blossoming love that friendship ultimately evolved, to their childish squabbles and that day before she left for college, when she had hoped that Laurie would finally ask her out; but he had disappointed her. She knew then that to him she was just a friend and would remain so. Thus dejected she made her journey out of state to pursue her academics abroad. But they had always kept in touch. When Laurie graduated she was the first to know, when she acquired her new boy friend Teddy he was the first to know and when he had gotten his dream offer of being a fashion photographer she had been the first with whom he had shared his news even before he had told his parents. In a flash she remembered telling teddy about Laurie’s news and how she had cried to him expressing her grief of never being able to see Laurie again. It was ted who had made her realize how much she still loved him; and he then offered to drive her to him before Laurie left on his trip to Paris where he was to settle down. Driving on that rainy day in an unthinkable speed had been a rash decision but they had to do it if they were to catch Laurie before he left and then the accident happened. On hearing about the causality Laurie had rushed to the hospital willing Sara to live, she had but Ted had succumbed to fate. He had assumed that Sara was still in love with Ted and she couldn’t come to terms with her loss. This had torn him apart but he put his emotions aside for her happiness and been there wordlessly even to the extent of giving up his career in Paris to take care of her.

She quickly fished out her cell phone from her pocket trying to call Laurie and share with him the gift that god finally bestowed on her. The phone rang and she turned around only to look into his eyes.

“I know.” He mouthed and wordlessly hugged her. How had he found her? How did he even know what I was about to tell him?

“You must have really loved him Sara.” He sighed. “Ted was special, he will be remembered always, for he was loved, loved by a beautiful person like you.” She smiled into his chest and realized what had been in front of her for ages and she had not bothered to look deeper.

“Yes he will be missed.” She whispered. “He was a special man who realized before I could how much I loved you; that is why he was driving me to meet you when the accident happened.” And she snuggled into him further but found him become all frigid.

“You love me?” he asked hesitantly.

“I always have.”

“Why did you not tell me then?”

“I was scared of losing you, of not being good enough for you.” She mumbled as a tear slipped out.

“Oh Sara! What have we done?” he groaned and pulled her to him, almost crushing her. The agony and pent up emotions, for so many years finally getting the better of him. Tears washed his face as happiness like the rays of sun enveloped them into its sheltered cocoon. They had both loved each other but never had the faith to see it blossom but there was still time to set things right.

“How did this ever happen to us?”

“Well I guess wishing stars do help eh? All those nights when we used to smuggle up here, to talk and to have those midnight picnics, I have wished upon every star, hoping that someday you will love me.”

“I do love you, you know?”

“I know it now, but not then when I left for college.”

"We have to make up for a really long time” he said, as he pulled her close as they walked ahead to their cars.

“Yes a long time, but tell me, are we like dating each other? She asked mischievously

“Hmm maybe... Lets see.” A playful blow hit it right on his face.

“Aww that hurts.”

“Not knowing you love me, hurt even more.”

“Let’s not build our lives now on what ifs and on the ruins of our past. Let’s revel in the faith that we had on each other, which ultimately reunited us, and the love that will be forever ours to cherish, he muttered as he led her away.

That night when she lay on her bed, she felt safe and secure and more importantly at peace, for the first time in months. Love has a way of making life look more beautiful. When the new dawn will break tomorrow, she will wake up to a new world, with just her and Laurie, her friend and now her would be husband; he had proposed marriage and she had said yes. Life now felt complete and all for the leap of faith. She sighed as the slumber overwhelmed her and she drifted off to sleep.

~*~

P:S-This is my first attempt at story writing. I think I really suck it but but then I wanted to share it with my blogger friends because this was the first I felt confident about telling a story. Rotten eggs and tomatoes will gladly be welcomed.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

heat wave and stench

Kolkata heat day by day is getting more unbearable.it is not just the heat but the humidity that makes it far worse.a strong advocate of the summers, i too find it hard to revel in this heat and humidity.each day in fragments the sky gets cloudy and the prospect of rain keeps us hoping for some respite.but god tricks us once again!hai lord! :P since the heat is on of full force what people should do is drink water enough to detoxify themselves and keep themselves hydrated. but no!they don't buy deo's neither do they bother to keep themselves stench free.remember the popular add when this girl walks into a train and straight into the arms of her Mr perfect and he smells her sweat and walks right out leaving her disappointed? well that's whats happening to everyone but they seem unaffected when others gag to death


The other day i was returning from my tuition's and i was on this very famous bus,which everyone avails to.packed like sardines and sambhalofying my dupatta and my ipod [yes i choose that very day to be the bhartiya nari..drat!] and that precarious situation druhin called with yet another problem of his,what a timing,i tried ignoring the call as it is i had my hands full,he called me enough times to vex my co passengers who were getting bothered at my phone ringing.so while i was solving his yet another getting drunk and making out,problems hanging from a rod with my share of two inch space.this man beside me was sleeping,yea you heard it right while standing and my god! he stank like hell.he looked like a IT professional in this late twenties, and while swaying he found me for support.god!what odour!i could barely manage to breathe.then there was this other guys right behind me with a massive butt and he appeared to be talking and snorting on the phone and almost farting at intervals synchronising with his snorts. as if this wasn't bad enough, then a fat lady got up and started literally pushing her way into a comfortable position ,grumbling and groaning merrily stepping on people and not caring even a bit for the discomfort she was causing to all of us who barely managed to stand.and then after having settled herself she gave a burp,loud enough to be heard in the whole bus which was stuck and the traffic for the past 10 minutes. and then a weird stench filled the air.arrggh!it was nauseating!i wonder how i managed to hang in there till my stop came.when i got down i gratefully spluttered and breathing again. during that harrowing time i could barely contain myself from taking out my deo and spraying it on everyone.shesh!what an experience!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Bengal has gone to the dogs

its so depressing somethings for nothing ever happens here in kolkata.no shakira performs, no great companies set up their offices and no major industries ever set up their factories here.construction of bridges and roads take ages.i remember when i was in Delhi, the amazing series of bridges and fly overs that make it easier to travel despite the huge traffic problems they face. and their construction too is so swift,normal life is not hampered due to it in any way unlike in kolkata. there is one new fly over near my house,it took almost 12 years to complete,by the time i left school is saw it being completed when the plannings had begun almost from the time i had joined school,can you believe that? every other day there is some morcha here.nothing constructive ever happens.

If you are thinking I'm gonna rant and stomp about blaming kolkata and its backwardness then no.I'm not a misanthrope but a responsible citizen who worries about the future of my state about whom it was once said "what Calcutta thinks today, India thinks tomorrow" i just cant take the fact that despite being a part of this city people don't love it enough to do something for it. there is this fly over which was constructed after great debate whether the railways or the government should construct it, in the end both divided the work and constructed it. and then a few years down the line it almost fell apart. instead of helping the traffic, the blame game is on as to who should repair it while the poor citizens suffer.

Having SRK endorse Kolkata Knightriders was probably one thing that had promised new things newer avenues to the kolkattans who are often denied any celebrity presence unlike other major metros. the latest joke comes from our very own minister of state who claims that hosting an IPL match on Rabindra jayanti will be disrespectful to the Nobel laureate... as if.. he is a genius in his own right and no one can ever dream of being disrespectful.just because the this certain politicians illegal demands arn't being fulfilled he finds a good excuse to create a scene to grab eye balls!who will ever tell them to stop such games and do something worthwhile! this is so disheartening to see students leave their city and leave for another or even the country to study or work abroad.out talent pool seeks nourishment elsewhere where we unable to provide any facility or infrastructure, not only are we loosing out on talent but own capabilities like this. where other cities are taking the necessary step towards progress Bengal and its people are more bothered about themselves and about their present not having the foresight to try and analyze the tomorrow that will dawn to a barren and isolated land.i think it is high time people wake up to their responsibilities or it just might be too late

Monday, May 05, 2008

tag tag tag!

Ive been tagged again and this time its vanilla sky :D

the rule is: one has to pick up 5 creeds of people they hate and why.

1.snooty..im too good types - these presumptuous people think no end of themselves, their attributes and of course their talents. maybe they are so but they create the hype about themselves which is often too much in the face that it often shows them in poor light and is of course down right repelling.

2.rich spoilt brats - mom and dad has filled their son/ daughters pockets with enough cash to compensate for the love,the discipline and morals they should have taught them.and these are the same children who grow up not to care about emotions,getting drunk,using others to fulfill their needs and looking down upon others treating them like dirt.they expect others to hand over their personal notes instead of texts before exams.they pounce upon hardworking individuals to do their work.

3.callous and frivolous kind - these people do loose talk.if they at all open their mouth their either joke,talk non sensible talk or criticize others.mostly they have nothing much to do and so they hardly have morals or principals. these are the same people who don't value time,often turn up 10-15 minutes late for appointments and think the world is their oyster.for them ambition,hopes and dreams do not exist.they believe in living in the present and flounder in future.such people are too lazy to work hard, and surely fail in life and then blame everyone else but their own doing.

4.social parasites - these are those people who live their life on others.they are found everywhere.they try and indulge you into buying them a drink,a cigarette or even borrow cash from you with no assurance of giving it back.they try and use others to fulfill their own needs sucking them clean monetarily or even emotionally.these are found mostly around a influential or affluent people, who can serve as a stepping stone or give them immediate perks.

5.politician types- tall talks but hollow inside.for such people morals don't exist.they fib,pretend and put up a facade but in actuality they are just hypocrites.mostly such people are pseudo intellectuals who try and carve words out of so called talent,they rip of articles written by anonymous people,mix with so called elites,and give an impression of being a honcho themselves but they are nothing but ordinary.

i bless the one who has created this tag,cause it gave me an opportunity to bitch about certain category of people,a personification of people who exist in real life! :P this was one helluva tag!i hope you had fun reading it as mush as i had in writing it. :D hallelujah!

Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Knight Riders fail miserably

After what was a fabulous beginning not just to the IPL matches but their own score card, the Kolkata Knightriders disappointed much more than they could ever have impressed. They lost staright 3 matches and are on their way to their 4th. What with McCullum and Pointing on their way home. Left with an ancient captain, puny new comers and some not so famous crickets trying to prove their mettle and failing at it.

What was adding insult to injury was that baring the skill, the team lacked in their will power, self confidence and appeared to shake in their boots as the opponent’s strong or not so weak innings at the crease squished them. The much famed Ishant Sharma could hardly bowl 2 balls in one over in line to the wicket; he literally kicked the opponents balls to boundary without contributing much to his own team. Pointing, the world famous Aussie captain of an almost invincible team just failed to create even a ripple in IPL and took back a whopping 3.4 crore for just 39 runs in just 4 matches. With no real talent or even the dire or passion to fight it out, the SRK’s team seems to chant boshbo [will sit], dekhbo[will see] and harbor re [will lose] instead the much famous chant korbo[will do] orbo[will fight] and jitbo re[will win]

To me it seems that the moolah that each player is raking in finds more prominence than their actual game. Maybe I am being to harsh here but then in a T20 format where it is an upbeat game where anything can happen, one cannot afford to sit back and bid time or even have sparing thoughts. The money is good and all the audience who spare their days of work to turn up buying a most expensive ticket and yet there are let down by their team. Sometimes I wonder what is the thought that goes through their mind, when they come down to play. I’m a sports person too. I have represented my school and university at a state level rowing competition. I know how it is to loose but I also know how to put it the last ounce into the game willing myself not to give in. sometimes the skill is not there but the desire but the zest is, the passion should be visible even the team eventually loses. Even though it is highly disappointing and excruciatingly painful for an ardent cricket fans like me but what is more important is, the Kolkata Knightriders don’t deserve any sympathy for their awful performance and nor do they deserve the hype. The other players proved themselves much superior at a platform where all were equals. Dada I think you should stop playing the bangali’r chele card and milking people of the sentiments of your one time glory which ahs long since faded and retire gracefully before the team India kicks out an old hag life you. Sometimes reputation comes a better option than money. Think about it!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

My Semesters are OVER!!!!!!!!
Finally my semesters are over atleast the honours papers are.only two more are left that too pass subjects which is more like a cake walk, so no worries.im just too happy for words!!yay!anyone wanna joins me for a party??? :) :P