I’ve woken even before the first fingers of dawn had roused the birds. I had the most anxious night, punctuated with constant waking up and nightmares. In the end, unable to sleep I gave up altogether and began my day some four hour before, than usual. As I sat by the window a sense of brooding hit me. It was so like those days, early into my relationship when we used to talk almost 18 hours daily. It used to be dawn talking all night non stop. Around 5 am samik would tell me to get some sleep before I woke up again at 5.30 am for school. Some days those used to be. Sigh!
This constant roller coaster of life never fails to amuse me. Just when I had given up all hope, almost felt disillusioned love came back rushing. There are flaws in samik I cant probably ever live with, or even overlook but there is the knowledge somewhere deep down in my gut, that in his crazy way he does love me and need me. Probably the fault is in me, I am over critical not just to people but more so with myself. My inability to let go of things less perfect has been leading to several problems, but then trying however I may things never looked up. I had almost given up when love wriggled its grubby self and made its presence felt.
Buried somewhere deep within there is this un-satiable urge to love, and to nurture. And it takes us unawares when that special person creeps into the heart unnoticed. This was the worst month of my life four years back. I was in love with my best friend but did not have the courage to give this relationship a chance. I was anxious and frightened, I did not want to get hurt and somewhere I believed that I was incapable to love. But I was wrong. Despite being aware of how painful it must have been for him to wait for me almost six months before I had the courage to finally give love a chance. Misgivings were always there but blocking the voice that led me astray, I had taken the plunge.
Fear of getting hurt is our primary concern. How many times the fear of something unknown and uncertain has detained us from doing something, that would ultimately yield into something so beautiful as love. We are all afraid to love, to let someone see a part of us that we only know because we are vulnerable. But once the fear is overcome new avenues open up. None can ensure that feeling love will always be as ethereal as it once was in the beginning, fights will occur, the monotony of life will have it disparaging effects on it but at the end of the day, when the head will touch the pillow that special loved one will always be the last thought before drifting off to a much needed slumber.
Times has changed now, with samik working, and im in college. Many a Sunday we can be found lost in conversation. Long and painful walks and those hitch hiked bus rides have been replaced by comfortable bike rides. But one thing that has not its essence of the love, we found courage to let in our hearts. Even now whenever any of us are in need or in trouble it is the other we call, the cause maybe as trivial as, samik having a nightmare or me having yet another woe regarding getting my salary.
Four years has passed since the day we first welcomed love into our lives. We have taken each other for granted now, but even that seems like a luxury and a privilege to assume our loved one would be there no matter what. Maybe the 18 hour talks have now replace by a mere 30 minutes to an hour [a little, no a lot more recently:P] and we get to meet up only on weekends, every Friday it’s the same eagerness we feel thinking about meeting each other and Monday morning the prospect of waiting for a week to do so is something that we both dislike but have come to live with.