Monday, May 19, 2008

I’ve woken even before the first fingers of dawn had roused the birds. I had the most anxious night, punctuated with constant waking up and nightmares. In the end, unable to sleep I gave up altogether and began my day some four hour before, than usual. As I sat by the window a sense of brooding hit me. It was so like those days, early into my relationship when we used to talk almost 18 hours daily. It used to be dawn talking all night non stop. Around 5 am samik would tell me to get some sleep before I woke up again at 5.30 am for school. Some days those used to be. Sigh!

This constant roller coaster of life never fails to amuse me. Just when I had given up all hope, almost felt disillusioned love came back rushing. There are flaws in samik I cant probably ever live with, or even overlook but there is the knowledge somewhere deep down in my gut, that in his crazy way he does love me and need me. Probably the fault is in me, I am over critical not just to people but more so with myself. My inability to let go of things less perfect has been leading to several problems, but then trying however I may things never looked up. I had almost given up when love wriggled its grubby self and made its presence felt.

Buried somewhere deep within there is this un-satiable urge to love, and to nurture. And it takes us unawares when that special person creeps into the heart unnoticed. This was the worst month of my life four years back. I was in love with my best friend but did not have the courage to give this relationship a chance. I was anxious and frightened, I did not want to get hurt and somewhere I believed that I was incapable to love. But I was wrong. Despite being aware of how painful it must have been for him to wait for me almost six months before I had the courage to finally give love a chance. Misgivings were always there but blocking the voice that led me astray, I had taken the plunge.

Fear of getting hurt is our primary concern. How many times the fear of something unknown and uncertain has detained us from doing something, that would ultimately yield into something so beautiful as love. We are all afraid to love, to let someone see a part of us that we only know because we are vulnerable. But once the fear is overcome new avenues open up. None can ensure that feeling love will always be as ethereal as it once was in the beginning, fights will occur, the monotony of life will have it disparaging effects on it but at the end of the day, when the head will touch the pillow that special loved one will always be the last thought before drifting off to a much needed slumber.

Things have changed between samik and me and why wont it. I was in school and samik in his college. And now I am on my way out of college and he is already working. Being students and not being provided with surplus monetarily, like our peers [not because our parents couldn’t afford to but they thought not to and we didn’t ever consider asking]. So our outings were restricted to occasional meets, long conversations over the phone. I remember once, dad had gone to Hyderabad for the week and I pleaded with mum to let me out in the evenings that week, after a lot of persuading she had agreed. Unforturtunately, it was the monsoons and kolkata was flooded but that didn’t deter me, I left home with jeans rolled up, umbrella in one hand slippers on the other wading through knee deep water.

Times has changed now, with samik working, and im in college. Many a Sunday we can be found lost in conversation. Long and painful walks and those hitch hiked bus rides have been replaced by comfortable bike rides. But one thing that has not its essence of the love, we found courage to let in our hearts. Even now whenever any of us are in need or in trouble it is the other we call, the cause maybe as trivial as, samik having a nightmare or me having yet another woe regarding getting my salary.

Four years has passed since the day we first welcomed love into our lives. We have taken each other for granted now, but even that seems like a luxury and a privilege to assume our loved one would be there no matter what. Maybe the 18 hour talks have now replace by a mere 30 minutes to an hour [a little, no a lot more recently:P] and we get to meet up only on weekends, every Friday it’s the same eagerness we feel thinking about meeting each other and Monday morning the prospect of waiting for a week to do so is something that we both dislike but have come to live with.

Life has its strange rules. Just when you begin to settle down it throws open a new avenue. This unpredictability and constant fondness for change, is maybe what prevents life from being monotonous. Times change, our environment too, people change, sometimes we as people do, but what remains constant is the feelings that we once felt. Once the fear to lose the loved one is overcome, then love brings with it a trail of happiness, it brightens your life and makes it worthwhile. Nothing can be worse fate than fearing to attempt; for me the task was to, set aside my so called principals and conventions to acknowledge that I’m capable and in fact in love. Once I opened my heart to love a whole new world beckoned to me, I knew it would never be the same and it never is even four years down the line.

7 comments:

I'll try 2 be truthful said...

That was a really mature insight on love . it may seem childish to u but in one of the harry potter books jk rowling writes " one is afraid of death & darkness coz one does'nt know wats beyond". same as what u feel for love ?

little boxes said...

really nicely written
really not the mush ridden kinds but beautiful nevertheless
my prayers are with you two

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Bubbles of FireWhiskey said...

very mature sweetheart. but since i have actually spoken to you and everything i know that mature doesnt even begin to describe you... :)

i know it is difficult at time to make peace with what you have and what you want. sometimes a compromise might be the best option but thats doesnt come easily either. yell out your best hope to the heavens and talk it out. im sure on some level he enjoys it that he can affect you as much as you affect him :P

phoenix said...

@i'll try and be truthful
yeah that holds the same for me... btw i love harry potter and rowling too


@bedatri
thanks a lot babes

@mann
just how do you manage to say the wisest of things and still make sense?i mean what you said was so inspiring!

*HUGS*