Saturday, May 17, 2008

stray thoughts

Ive always believed in expression. When in school I had started writing poems for my closest friends and sometimes for that someone I hoped to fall in love someday. To me love was something I wanted to feel, the warm heady feeling that chocolates could only try and substitute. Sometimes id get so moved by the book id read, that tears would stream down my face. Expression of emotion seemed to me as a freedom of my soul, that would take flight on its own accord. But then I was forced to grow up, I entered a world where I learnt it the harsh way that emotions are something one should keep to oneself, people don’t care two hoots what others feel. Thus I tried molding myself to the ways that the world that I was now living in demanded. I started contradicting myself and believed that showing emotions was a sign of weakness.

College life for me has been like the tide in the ocean. Sometimes turbulent and other times calm. Happiness was like the pebbled in the shingle beach and reality like the waves breaking on it. I have no complains in this phase of my life I was prepared to learn the rules that one needs to learn for survival and thus I too developed the fangs.

Now as I sit typing in a dark room trying to chain my stray thoughts I feel tears pricking my eyes. Its been months since id let things get to me, to let myself feel. But now the insecurities, the hopes and dreams all coming crawling back to my heart in the shadows of the darkness. Isn’t having such feelings human? Then why do people abhor such emotions as signs of weakness? Don’t we all dream and hope?

Im in the last year of college, soon I ll be graduating. All I hope and wish is to get that one opportunity that ive been waiting for ever since I was 10. not only am I fatigued with the company I keep, the people I need to encounter, the life im leading but also the monotony of the situation I am in. would I be able to grab hold of that one crucial opportunity and deliver my best to it? Doubts swirl like thick mist dissolving my resolve to put a brave front to all the insecurities that threaten to overpower me and draw me under.

3 comments:

Bubbles of FireWhiskey said...

as wierd as this might sound, once in a while letting yourself have a good cry is the only way to let go. its like the rain... it washes the dirt and the dead leaves away... and we shall always be here for whatever it is that you're going through... :)

and as for the expressing bit... you've always been gifted at it... :)

Abhishek Khanna said...

hmmmm

phoenix said...

@mann
u are always so kind

@abhi
u r alwyas the jerk...you just have to be dont you?