Saturday, January 31, 2009
So what is up on my front? well i haven't really gone to college in the last 2 weeks and i havent had classes for almost 2 and a half weeks.. why? well first we had a 4 days conference, then came a Monday and Tuesday, where people were still in conference ending and next seminar preparation mode, then came a bandh and then the 23-26th weekend and then last week, where most of my profs were away to Hyderabad for a seminar so i took a long long holiday :) so I'm surely dreading tomorrow because now the tough times times begin, with this being my last semester, study pressures are going to be high! i need some serious prayers here..
On personal front is a huge event that entails massive compromise and adjustments, Samik is leaving for Bangalore in exact 20 days, he has got a new and better job there. we have been inseparable for the last 4 years, we always did everything together, shopping, hanging out, talking to each other for hours etc and now suddenly everything is going to change. Insecurities? well yea had my share but thankfully i got over it. now i have embraced whatever may come my way, it cant be easy, it was maddening when he had gone for short trips earlier but i know even if i fail i can always dust myself and stand up yet again! Anwesa, Richa and Mayank were amazing friends to me these last few days and really with such friends around i feel like saying "come on Problems, bring it on!" but id like to warn you before hand in case you would want to blame me someday that i didn't do my bit :) I'm may be emotionally highly charged, there may be whinings and rants and teary posts! but just understand me, i will be back with the fun and smiling posts okay? just dont abandon me! :)
Moving on, there are several issues id like to talk on but then if i use them here then id be losing out on another few posts... so i ll just save my ideas... :)
BTW i did an interview of Anwesa on her blogs 50Th post.. kindly check that out! :) thanks!
And Nikhil [aka multi menon] is having his exams and he seemed tensed! (damn just when i write a post because of someone, he is just not there.) so here's wishing him a very best of luck!
Wassup with you guys? i hope you all are doing well?? i know i havent been regular on commenting but hey look out... here i come! :D
Take care people!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Please pick up the phone Noyona, just once .. please.. thought Neel willing Noyona to pick his call but this time too it went unanswered. he called her parents, but there too he was disappointed for they too knew nothing about her. he had spoken to Anwesa and to Tara but they didn't yield any results.. then a thought struck him Tara was cold and rude but was she doing it so Neel wouldn't ask her about Noyona's whereabouts? Tara was her best friend and sister,could it be possible that Noyona's disappearance had something to do with Tara? he just had to find out for now Noyona's absence was beginning to unnerve him and fear and apprehension for her well was being too much for him to handle. he had to meet Tara, he thought as headed towards her place.
"You??? what are you doing here?" Tara yelled at him.
"Aren't you going to ask me in?" Neel asked refusing to be intimidated by her.
"No.. get out!!"
" Not so fast. Tell me where is Noyona?"
"Why should i tell you? and why the hell are you asking?"
"Why do you think? I'm her husband dammit! i have the right!" Neel bellowed.
"O yea? so where were you when she most needed you? where were you when she waited for months for you to notice her? and now when you find her gone you have the guts to ask me about her! how dare you!"
"I dare because i know i have been a fool and a moron! but i happen to love my wife i need to know where she is, and how she is doing? c'mon Tara I'm scared i need to know where she is.. please tell me"
"Let the guy come in Tara.. please.. we can sit and talk!" Avik called out from behind, Tara turned to her husband glaring at him but grudgingly let him in.
"Tara i understand you are protective of Noyona, i know i have made a mistake but i want to make amends, try and understand, I'm worried about her well being. even her parents don't know where she is."
"Worried about her? are you crazy? you left her in this situation, specially when she needed you!"
"What situation are you talking about?"
Tara looked as if she had just let the cat out of the bag, but Neel was too worked up to notice the exchange of glances between Avik and Tara.
"Look Neel, Noyona is fine and going well.. don't worry about her okay! she is well looked after."Avik answered and Tara just glowered.
"Do you then know where she is? i need to meet her, she is my wife for christ-sake!!... i have the right to meet her!" Neel almost begged.
"What if she doesn't want to meet you?" Neel turned around to the person who spoke the words
"Where were you? do you know i have been looking everywhere for you? even your parents don't know where you were?"
"yes i know. i spoke to them, i told them not to tell you"
"What?? but why? i know i have been a moron and extremely foolish too"
"A foolish moron!"
"Yes a foolish moron.. but is this the way to punish me? i was scared something bad happened to you! i just didn't know where to look for you and I thought you had left me. you haven't right?"
"By the way things are it seems like i have!"
"You can't be serious! Noyona you know i love you right? i know i have been a jerk! i know things were far from perfect, i have ignored you and your needs, our marriage has taken the backseat for long. but i promise things are going to be otherwise now, i ll make amends. i ll do what you say.. just don't leave me. home is not home without you! please please come back with me!"
a lone tear slipped out and instinctively Noyona reached out to wipe it off his face, almost lovingly, her heart already beginning to melt. and why not? Neel was a charmer, it was hard to remain angry and pissed at him, his naughty teasing ways always managed to melt her heart and made her feel more in love with him....
"Are you convinced or shall i go on?" Neel smiled cockily
"What!!?" Noyona's expression changed from a soft smile to thunderous!
"Oooo no no... i was joking Noyona please listen to me!!" Neel pleaded as Noyona turned to go...
"Trust me i was joking... bad timing i guess but i promise that i ll be a good husband and will do all that you tell me. i will take you out on vacations and spend more time with you.."
"You will help me do the dishes?"
"Yes i will help with the dishes!"
"You will cook twice a week?"
"Yes i will!"
"You will keep the towels where it is supposed to and not litter the room with your papers and clothes!"
"I promise i wont!"
"And you will try and balance work and home?"
"Yes i will!"
"You will stay up to change the diapers and feed the baby at night if you are needed to!"
"Yea yeah i promise everything..." Neel said almost exasperated and then with a look of surprise him looked at Noyona and then at Tara and Avik.
"Diapers?!! hey am i missing a point here??" Neel looked bewildered
"A new father has his share of responsibilities you know..." Noyona said smiling cheekily..
"You mean you are pregnant?!! when? how!!" Neel exclaimed as he drew Noyona to him for a nice warm hug. Almost being squashed to death, Noyona managed to wriggle free from Neels arms but barely made it.
"What do you mean how!! you know how!! or have you forgotten?"
" You can always refresh my memory you know..." Neel smirked.
"Ahem!! ahem!! we are still here love birds in case you haven't noticed?"
"And me too!" said a 3 year old Rashi wanting her Neel uncle to pick her up!
"Yes you too sweetheart" Neel said as he picked up Rashi for a nice hug and a cuddle from his favorite niece.
Noyona just blushed and moved away, looking radiant and happy; she looked at Neel who looked at peace and happy too, and seeing him with Rashi confirmed her thoughts, Neel was a great father in making...Since things just fell into place, and celebrations were in order! Avik took out the bubbly and Noyona and Tara arranged for the tidbits... with the bubbly in the hands.. they raised a toasted to the newly re-united lovebirds!
"to Neel and to Noyona!"
Neel and Noyona looked at each other, sharing a private glance. Neel promised that this time he wont mess it, this time the responsibility had doubled, he had to be a good husband and a good father too, after all their first born will be putting up an appearance soon, and he wanted him/ her to feel welcomed and loved.Noyona had suffered for him but it was the time to make amends and be happy and that was what he would ensure for his wife, Neel vowed.
Noyona had a normal delivery. and Neel was by her side throughout. he had put up a brave front holding her hand refusing to let go. though he had fainted as soon as his second child made his presence felt. Yeah... Neel and Noyona had twins, a little girl and a boy; Ankhi and Nikhil, the names, were decided by both Tara and Anwesa, who were their god mothers. Avik had vowed that both Neel and him would make Nikhil a football pro, whereas the godmothers had sworn that Ankhi would be a diva. Little Rashi was just to elated to get two dolls as Christmas gifts and demanded her parents one of her own. Avik had promised her that he would ask her mom for the same and got a thunderous glare from Tara who had overheard the conversation. Neel and Noyona, were already fatigued with two babies to manage, they still tried to sneak time out for themselves, amidst wails and baby food and spoiled diapers! Sometimes the timings of the wails were all wrong but amidst the crying, a very frantic Neel and Noyona would scramble apart trying to get the baby food in order and be there for their babies. The coming months would be tough for them, but with the love that existed, nothing was ever going to take away the happiness that they both deserved!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Stretching languidly Neel peering through the blanket and reached for the clock on the side table; Gosh! its 10.30 Noyona must have gone to office. Damn! how could i have missed her! he hurriedly run the water for the shower, pushed the left overs from the night before into the fridge and made himself coffee. for a freak moment he wondered if at all Noyona had been home the night before, but then he just dismissed it not really recognizing anything out of the ordinary. he mentally ticked off the things he needed to do, he had to visit her in the office, get her flowers and ask her out during lunch, he had to apologize to her for the moron he had been. then he wouldn't let go till she forgave him and then he had to contact the travel agents and book those tickets to wherever she wanted to go. sigh! he knew this couldn't fail, after all this wasn't the first time, and like why will she refuse, she will have her favourite flowers and her loving husband at her beck and call, what else can a woman ask. damn! he really missed her!
Picking up her favourite yellow roses Neel just glanced at his wedding ring, i just hope things work out, he prayed silently for he knew Noyona might explode, specially since she hadn't grumbled a bit in the last year or so. he knew he hadn't been fair but he was trying to do this not just for himself but her too and to provide well for both of them and for the tiny tot who would complete their lives someday. a smile began at his lips and spread all over his face, as his eyes shone at the thought of their child. Noyona will make an amazing mother, he had seen her with her niece and with Rashi too. she had this amazing gift with babies, they somehow always went to her, even the most cranky ones and it surprised him. swiftly he parked his car at her office basement and took the lift to the 13Th floor, to where her office was. he met Tara on the corridor and heaved a sigh of relief.
"Hey Tara can you tell Noyona that Ive come to meet her?" he smiled
"Hmm not really.. I'm kinda busy. see you around." Tara murmured and walked away
Strange! if he hadn't mistaken, Tara was not only cold but was rude too. he wondered what just happened. she was extremely warm and friendly to him and she had always got along with him right from the formative years of their dating. she was fiercely protective of her friend but she somehow always sided with him, so he was always at peace that he was well represented. Tara's attitude towards him,hurt and surprised him. shrugging aside these thoughts he went into Noyona's office and peered in.
It had a deserted feel to it, the table was cleared and papers and files were in a neat pile on the table. the laptop was missing and specially Noyona's chair looked abandoned. he wondered what was wrong, was she out for a meeting or something? what was going wrong? now panic gripped him and he just knew something was just very wrong.
"Hey Neel you here?" Neel turned to face Anwesa, Noyona's colleague.
"Have you seen Noyona? i need to talk to her."
"Huh? you don't know?she is on a leave."
"Leave?" Neel asked baffled
"Yea she hasn't been well or something and she is on a stretch leave . she hasn't been coming to office for almost a couple of days,"
That means she hadn't been to office since Friday and that's like four days since he had left. so where was she, if she was on a leave? and why didnt Tara tell him that Noyona was on a leave? what was happening here? Fear and panic almost rendered him numb and helpless. where was he to look for her? what next??
"Neel you okay??? you don't look fine, here drink some water... is Noyona fine? is everything okay between you two?"
"Yeah.. ya things are fine.. just I've been out on a business trip just came back recently.. so i didn't know that she is on a leave.. she had left early this morning so i thought maybe she had come to office"
"okay.. but you sure you are fine? because you look pale!"
"Yea I'm fine! don't worry Anwesa.. i will manage fine." he gave her a ghost of a smile and walked out of Noyona's office towards the parking lot.
Where was Noyona? if she is on a leave and not at home, where could she be? had she gone back to visit her parents? and how the hell was he going to find her?!! what if she had done this on purpose and had left him forever? his mind was numb, he didn't know what to do, but he knew he had to find her, he had to; she was too precious for him to loose. having made up his mind, he drove his way back home. he had to find a way to find her. all he needed now was a plan to find her and when he did he had to win her over, for losing her was a thought that turned his blood cold.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
" I take it you haven't really planned the baby?"
"Yes i mean no...are you absolutely sure?"
Still in shock, Tara just hugged her friend tight steadying her as she stood ready to drop.
"Don't worry Noyona everything is just going to be fine. now don't fret or panic. its a regular pregnancy, nothing to be concerned and worried about. now just go home and relax. and remember not to work yourself to the grave. eat healthy and stay happy. now smile. and come back for a check up in two weeks."
On their way back home, Tara finally asked the thing that had plagued her ever since they both walked out of the doctors clinic.
"So aren't you happy about the pregnancy?"
"Hm yeah i am..." Noyona just shrugged
"Your reaction is far from happy. what is wrong?are you thinking about Neel's reaction? wont he be happy?"
"Neel is partly the problem. he loves kids no doubt and will be elated. but at this point of time where things are hardly working out well for us i don't want to have a baby who will be born under such circumstance. I've wanted Neel's baby ever since i can remember, but i want our child to be a welcomed addition in our lives, where he/she grows up amidst two loving parents in a warm and loving atmosphere. i want our child to just give a new dimension to our lives not just come as a most obvious step to a four year old marriage."
"Makes sense. But don't you think you are really over doing it all? i mean why don't you just think over this? having a baby is a big deal, i don't think you should stress yourself out. why wont you just talk to Neel? instead of keeping silent it will help clear it all right?"
"You think i haven't tried? but who has the time? Neel walks in late, tired and sleepy and before we can talk he walks out. we have stopped communicating during the day, only if there is something we want to eat or pick up on the way."
"The matter sure is grave. Just try talking. it helps. and trust me hearing about the baby will transform him.just give him the chance. men are weird. until you tell them they just dont seem to get a point. so now don't fret. just take the rest of the day off and calm down."
Tara hugged her as she got off the car and headed home. it was a mixed blessing. a part of her was thrilled to think of Neel's baby growing each day within her; and the other part of her feared the fate of her marriage if things went on the way it did. she just hoped she could share her happiness and jubilation with Neel. while climbing up the elevator she decided to call Neel and finally tell him the news.
"yeah hi....did you call for something important? because I'm really busy, i have a presentation in exact 7 minutes...lets talk when i get back OK? try and understand.. take care..talk to you later"
"Oh! okay... ya ya i understand... talk to you later.. i have something special i need to tell you..see you at night..and yea? best of luck!"
That night when Neel finally returned home, it was way past 2.30 and Noyona was fast asleep.Neel hurriedly packed his trolley, arranged him papers and laid out his suit, shirt and matching tie. putting his laptop to charge, he set the alarm and finally snuggled in to Noyona who just curled up against him and drifted off. in barely two and a half hours, the alarm went off and Neel got up. he had been assigned for an important business meeting out of the city and he had to leave at the earliest. Giving her a woeful glance, as he set the coffee tray on the bedside table for Noyona to wake up and have; Neel picked up his luggage and made his way out but not before kissing his sleeping wife goodbye..
I haven't been really fair to her, he thought. i will take time out for sure, but first i will have to handle and seal this deal, then I'm taking time off and it will just be Noyona and me, promise.
Noyona woke up to a note on the pillow beside her and gloom filled her and her heart sank.
"I'm so sorry sweats! but i had to leave you sleeping. I'm leaving for Delhi, for a week, maximum two. its urgent, last night's deal came through but we need to do the set up for them and im required there. so sorry couldn't tell you personally. you looked so peaceful while sleeping that i didn't want to wake you. you take care and ask the maid to stay over if you need. will try and be back soon. take care,Neel"
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she crumbled the note and threw herself on the pillow. The happiest news of their lives was there waiting to be welcomed and Neel had no time, not for her, or their marriage and surely not for their baby. pain sliced through her gut almost ripping her apart. the one person whom she wanted to tell the news, who deserved to know it, just dint bother to be there...
Before she could take stock of the situation, she rushed to the loo and spent a good 30 minutes there emptying all that she had eaten in the last 24 hours. she heard the phone ringing but before she could drag herself to the bed where the phone was, the breath was sucked out of her and darkness spread enveloping her!!
"Noyona..Noyona.. wake up.. are you okay?? Noyona can you hear me?? Get up!!"
She stirred and managed to blink at Tara who was white with fear clutching her to herself.
"Phew!! What happened? are you okay? i called so many times and when you didn't pick i had to drop by and saw you sprawled on the bathroom floor."
After Tara put her to bed, and got her a cup of coffee tucking her in, she glanced at the note that Neel had left Noyona. she paced furiously along the length of the room. then she turned to Noyona..
" Where do you keep your bags?"
" I'm not leaving you like this here.. you get me? you are packing your things and you are coming with me to my place?"
"But.. but what about Neel? wont he worry? and what about Avik and Rashi? it just isn't right!"
"Don't you dare tell me what is right and what is wrong! Neel for one will learn his lesson for not being there for you at a time like this. i never took your problems that seriously but now even i think things have gone too far. you just don't worry about me, Rashi for one will be thrilled to finally get to see more of her mashi and as for Avik, well he will just be glad to accommodate you. and you are forgetting that we live in a duplex. You know you are always welcome over..c'mon don't worry you wont inconvenience us.. in fact I'm sure it will do you good."
"but.. it just doesn't seem right. trust me i will be fine..."
"are you going to allow me to pack your bags or do you want me to beat the hell out of you?"
One look at Tara and Noyona knew that arguing was futile for her headstrong friend whom she had known ever since college days. without a word she directed her to her things. in minutes she was all packed and ready to leave... she left Neel's note where she had first found it. on an afterthought she didn't leave a note behind.
"You sure things will be fine Tara?"
"Now don't get me started" Tara warned.. and then smiled... "Wait till Rashi sees you home when she returns home and especially when she hears of the baby.. my my! wont she be thrilled."
Brushing aside a lone tear that slipped out, Noyona picked up her hand bag and keys and pulled the door, she looked back for the last time..as it closed with a click...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
“Do you always get up this early?”
She turned around to face a very sleepy Neel, his hair tousled, still snuggling to his pillow barely awake. She made her way indoors and closes the sliding doors.
“Always! Do you want some coffee?”
“Yeah go ahead pour me some. I’ll just wash up and join you”
“So do you have to go to office early?”
“Yeah I have clients who are coming to office by say 9am and then I need to give them a presentation and take them out for lunch. Later we have to discuss and clinch the deal hopefully. And if everything goes well a celebratory dinner follows. Hopefully I will be back home by say latest 12.”
“Okay… I’m saying back late at office too. Lots of new projects have come up and all so I may have to stay out till later than usual”
“Oh okay…” Neel responded nonchalantly.
Sometimes she wondered why their lives had taken such a turn. They both seemed like clock work mouse who went about doing things as long as they were wound and programmed to do. Where was the love? On the surface things were just fine. They never really quarreled, they respected each other, to most they appeared a perfect couple who had a fairytale ending. Life was perfect with almost no cloud in the horizon. Then why this displeasure keeps creeping in her mind and her married life? This constant feeling, that a void was growing larger with each passing day? Who would have thought with their kind of whirlwind romance of meeting on the train, then finding each other on blog world, months of emailing and chatting, and then meeting up. Their sudden engagement and subsequent marriage, even now it felt like a dream to her. But somehow the fire and the zing to their relationship, was now totally absent. Her married friends keep telling her that this is normal and a phase, boredom does creep in nothing to worry about. But she just couldn’t let go of the Neel she fell in love with who is now a stark contrast to what he was once. Maybe she thought, if she ignored this it would just go away. Maybe she was just thinking too much. Deciding to concentrate on her work more and keep her worries at bay, she flicked off her hair from her face and set to complete her assignments that were now pending for quite sometime.
"up for Chinese? Tara, popped up "im hungry as hell, and its lunch already!"
"what about dieting?"
"damn that..lets eat ok?im starving..."
"Why dont you just order something here.. i ll just get my work done and then we can chat"
"So how is Neel?"
"Are you like upset over something? is things fine?"
"yea kind of.. Its just that there are things nagging me. i try and ignore them , to better still understand the whole situation but after a time, it just gets to me. you know sometimes i wonder why does this boredom set in our lives. i mean earlier too Neel and i were together, there was an effort we both put in to make things work. but now, i hardly see Neel do anything, he doesn't even inquire about me, call from office or even notice the things he used to earlier. i mean i know he is busy, life is hectic and he is doing this or us and our life, i try and understand him the kind of life he wants for himself, for us but sometimes i just cant take it, to adjust to the fact the Neel i feel in love to, has died in the monotony of life and the Neel that i find by me only in the darkness of the night just a mere resemblance of the former."
"noyona a guy has his compulsions. work drives him, it motivates him. this is a phase a couple go through. its not out of the box. just be a little patient. i know the trouble you are facing, but you must realize that you can hardly cling on to your youthful dreams and fantasies. see you must accept the reality, that time has moved on since you guys first met. just relax, i think you are working yourself up." Tara explained gently and on getting no answer she looked up from her plate, at noyona who looked pale and almost in pain.
"What happened? Are you not well? here drink some water.."
"Noo..just help me to the loo...."
Several minutes passed. at last noyona came out of the look, looked fatigued feeble and ready to drop.
"What the hell happened? Was it something you eat?" Tara asked scared to death seeing her friend atmost pass out after puking several times over.
"I dont know. maybe its something i eat.i guess i will just head home. i hate this queasy feeling."
"do you want me to drop you home? or go to the doctor."
"No its ok.. i ll manage. you carry on here i ll just visit the doctor after all, Ive been meaning to visit her anyway."
"Let me come with you.. o! come on... you know you want me to... please... i promise to treat you to the sundae if you will.."
With a smile Noyona was won over and together like old times they made the short road trip to their doctor. and what she had to say was way beyond what the ladies had imagined....
Saturday, January 24, 2009
“Here let me help you with these” a voice said softly
“There goes another jerk, trying to help me out, trying to earn a few brownie points!”
“Err... No thank you I’ll manage.” She gave another heave and just couldn’t manage to yell at those irritating relatives crowding her way.
“Wait let me see.” He said and she turned around to see him.
He was a tall guy, with almost overgrown hair, a hint of the 5 o’ clock stubble along his jaw lines, wearing a well fitted navy pair of jeans and a nice stripped shirt casually worn with the sleeves all rolled up and the top three buttons open; he had a trolley in one hand, similar to hers and a laptop bag and a light jacket in the other. As he moved past her to talk to the people crowding the doorway she had a whiff of fresh smell of soap and coffee, which seemed heavenly. Sigh!
“Come let me help you, the passage is less crowded now.”
“No thanks, I’ll be fine.”
Come on I have seen you struggling with these for a long time now. You are inconveniencing others behind you. Spare them a thought and hurry up!”
“oh okay!” she mumbled as he handed her his laptop and his jacket and took her trolley and his pushing them forward and she gratefully followed him.
“What’s your seat number?”
“Oh that will be near mine… I’m 38… here you go… your luggage and your window seat.”
“Thanks a ton!”
“That’s fine... It’s not a big deal”
She was pulled out of her reverie with her laptop signaling her that the battery needed to be charged. She shut down her laptop and got under covers and prepared to finally go to sleep. Neel was never far away from her thoughts. She marveled at the thought that they had never been introduced formally yet they hit off instantaneously. To her surprise she discovered him to be a sensitive and a matured soul which didn’t seem very obvious judging from his rough exterior. But they had got along really well and the fatiguing journey that she had anticipated had emerged as an enjoyable and entertaining one, she thought and smiled. Their first encounter was straight out of some typically Bollywood pot boiler. Who could have imagined that they would reconnect again and this time through blogs? Truly nothing was ever conventional about them, from the kind of people they came across to how they met and the fate of their new found friendship. She smiled thinking of Neel again as she drifted off to sleep only to dream of the beautiful stranger she had met on the train.
Friday, January 23, 2009
“Email alerts! At this time?” Nayona checked her watch which read 3am. “Who can it be up at this ungodly hour reading blogs? Must be another insomniac like me” she muttered as she went forward opening her blog. Sure enough the comment segment read ‘4 comments’ that’s one more than the last time she had checked almost 2 hours back when she had posted her new post.
“Glad to know I made such a great impact on you. Its not often I get to hear praises along these lines. But let me assure you, you weren’t any far behind, and your impression on me wasn’t too bad either. Hopefully we’ll meet again where I wont be reduced to a porter what say? :P”
JEEZ!!!! Can it really be him?”
She read and re-read the comment. It had to be him. The innuendos, the typical teasing style. She could almost envision the naughty spark in the eyes and the smirk on the beautiful lips. God! What have I done? She cringed. She went back to the main page and re-read the post she had just put up.
A beautiful stranger
A two day train journey couldn’t get better unless you have a companion who has the same wavelength as yours. The best part of the whole encounter with the beautiful stranger was, all through those 2 days we never disclosed our names and our identities, yet we managed to forge a bond. Naughty eyes, charming ways, and an intelligent smile marked this well read person. So did I feel threatened like I usually do with strange men? Unusually no I didn’t feel any threat; instead I found myself opening and warming up to an absolute stranger. He was different. He didn’t flirt with me, didn’t probe into my identity, he let me have my space and most importantly he never nullified my existence because I was a girl, like the most jerks I come across these days. I’m not talking about him being a potential soul mate material, [maybe he is] but then what strikes me is that he truly was different from those creepy shady men, who utilize the slightest opportunity to get into the pants. Its nice to know that there are still honorable men around. Thanks to the beautiful stranger my journey was anything but dull.
Damn! She felt vulnerable and exposed, with her inner feelings thus read, she felt mortified and extremely embarrassed. How had he found her blog? Could he have remembered the URl! He must have. So his name was Neel? An inherent instinct made her follow the link and check his blog, where a surprise was waiting for her.
“nice blog!” she thought as she scrolled down to the first post that topped his blog.
“I can safely say I had a great journey back home. The prospect of a two day train journey doesn’t really excite you but then not often do you find someone who stimulates your mind. The lady I came across was the kind, who makes you wonder what lies beyond those graceful and poised mannerisms, who makes you want to unveil the secrets of those innocent big kohl rimmed eyes that spat fire every now and then making you aware, that innocent maybe but not naïve eyes those were, speaking volumes of the kind of the person she was. Her name? I haven’t a clue. But she had a nice smile that makes you want to make happy, just to see the smile spread all over her face beginning from the lips. Mind you there wasn’t a thing sexual about the encounter, just something that went beyond everything I had once held so precious in the woman I’d like to see in the woman of my life! Until reality zoomed in. But she was nothing like Sri or her likes that I usually came across. Women who wanted men money and material and it had nothing to do with love.“
Who was Sri? His girlfriend? She wondered as she hit the comment tab and dropped in a comment.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
But whatever I saw
Left me awestruck.
I was charmed into the myriad hues she had woven
And soon got enticed
Into a magical bond.
All my efforts to tell her what I felt for her
Met with instant success
And we were talking away our lives.
I owe her a new viewpoint of life
And maybe I’v made her smile
Once in a while.
I never knew it so sweet a bet
I never felt so wonderful
Until we met.
Friday, January 16, 2009
1. What does your user name mean?
Phoenix... well i first came across it in Harry Potter books and from then i could identify my personality traits with that of the phoenix.
2. Elaborate on your user photo.
Whats there to explain, its me :D
3. How many comments do you have?
4. What's your current relationship status?
too complex to discuss..
5. What exactly are you wearing right now?
a navy and white dress :)
6. What is your current problem?
okay dont get me started on that.... too many to explain
7. What do you love the most?
Blogging, reading books...my friends and family and of course my life
8. What makes you most happy?
Spending time with Friends and Family, and going on long walks with Samik
9. Are you musically inclined?
10. What would you do if you woke up one morning and found out you were on cocaine?
No chance, if i know myself as much as i think i do.. then the situation wont ever arise
11. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I'd be single again.. because i think i lost out on many 'potential mates' because i was already committed by the time i was leaving school, and in college too most people find me formidable and with Samik around most of the time.. you can guess the scenario :(
12. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
a cute lil pup :D
13. Ever had a near-death experience?
Yes. i was about to be hit by a train but was saved in the nick of time...
14. Name an obvious quality you have.
Loyalty?Honestly? this one you let me know...im waiting for your answers!
15. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
Tujh mein rab dikhta hai... rab ne banadi jodi
16. Are you happy today?
17. Who will cut and paste this first?
i sure hope the people i tag will.
18. Name someone with the same birthday as you
rakesh roshan... :D
19. Do you have a secret crush on someone?
20. Do you have a garbage disposal in your kitchen sink?
yeah of course why do you ask?
21. Have you ever been in a fight?
Recently, no. But had those fights in school bus lines, in class.
22. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
way back in school...
23. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
24. What's your biggest mistake?
hmm not having enough self confidence
25. Say something totally random about you.
i sleep with cupid every night!
26. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
huh? celebrity n me!! never!!
27. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes ive gotten used to it. Though would n't mind being an inch taller.
28. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
nothign that meets my expectation!!
29. What are your favourite smells?
smell after a fresh shower,shampoo,dhunuchi during pujas,and jui phool during summers..a classic
30. What's something that really annoys you?
Bad habits and lack of social etiquettes
31. What's something you really like?
i like expressing myself
32. Do you give random hugs and kisses?
Hmm with mayank around... yeah i do!! are you listning MAYZ??
33. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
48 hours and more...during exams...
34. Have you ever been rushed to the emergency room?
No ,but i wish i was... :P
now i tag-
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I have often wondered why you guys read me. i used to write before. but not many read me then. but why now? i don't know. No no im not cribbing here...I'm rather glad you guys do, and i would love if you guys kept reading and commenting, because at the end of the day when stress and fatigue almost does me in, the thought of blogging, commenting, and talking to my blogger friends keeps me alive. thus for this other world far away from reality is my retreat. so your presence, each and everyone of you that is, is very precious to me. so i do owe you all an apology.
No one likes to read someone ranting, some who is insecured or is cranky. the positive energy and warmth draws people to him/her. but that doesn't mean one has to change to please others but that's just a sign that shows you that time has come to turn over a new leaf. I'm feeling rather ashamed and guilty for being utterly cranky and extremely difficult. i know i write for myself but perhaps i have taken that a bit too seriously, for i have friends reading me and its so crappy to come upon a blog that speaks only of negative things.however thank you SO much for the beautiful and warm comments, that made me feel so loved and cared for, I'm touched and overwhelmed really. so here i resolve to come out of this gloomy phase and think optimistic and be positive.
*hugs* [to everyone..yeah yeah to the guys too :P tum bhi kya yaad rakhongey.. :D]
Thanks for being there...
Aha!! now do you really think that's an end to all gloomy posts and the rants...yeah yeah as if... not so fast... they will be there for sure... but fewer and in not so regular intervals :D
there I'm done with my apologies... now you can heave a sigh of relief!! :D
chal chal bahut ho gaya...mera nautanki...ab comments ki bari... :D!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Granted that we should be optimistic and stay cheerful. granted that we should look beyond unhappiness and frustrations. but a person has her/his weak moments. and i guess every person should have their space to rant, let out anger and unhappiness, these are human failings and even i have an access to them.
Sometimes i feel that god has been really partial. he has given some, abundance of most good qualities and some he has given below average attributes.most will comfort me when i say I'm so flawed, but we all have flaws and all . i know i am not. i wish i had great hair.. OK not so great but good hair, thick and shiny. i wish i did have so blunt features. i have no qualms with my complexion being wheatish but then it is wheatish na not perfect and flawless. i don't have my athletic built anymore, love handles keeps reminding me of their existence. I'm not tall too. damn! i hate myself. i wonder why i lack motivation to do anything about myself. all my life I've been careless about myself, i have roamed carefree not caring about the sun burning my skin or the dust wrecking my long hair, which remained untied and un-brushed.maybe its because i never loved myself, never took pride in myself, never went the extra mile to take care of my appearance, maybe its because mom always discouraged me and made me feel bad about myself. i don't know maybe its just me.
i wonder why even after being dissatisfied and recognizing my flaws i can never have the motivation enough to see things through sustainably. its damn frustrating and irritating and i just don't know what to do about myself.
all you people whom i have bored, who are utterly disgusted to read this repelling post, i wont apologize, a girl has her frustrations and insecurities. and don't you dare tell me "its okay you will get better!" or "we all have our flaws!" or even "this is a phase, it too shall pass!!" because we all have these insecurities and frustrations some masquerade it and some very silly and dumb people like me choose to talk about it, hereby making it public!!!!
Don't ask me why this sudden moronic outburst, blame it on my PMS or the fact that i know I'm putting on weight despite checking my food and exercise. its really damn frustrating to choose L or XL clothes[ i tend to wear loose clothes anyway] damn! i cant pick out anything randomly without worrying if it will fit me or it will reveal all the things i don't want it to. uff!! I'm just too bugged and cranky i guess.. damn this new year!! nothing is going my way!!!!
Hello? God? you there??.... i need help here... :(
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Yesterday Shreya came into class and announced that she got through MAT and will move to Bangalore in July. Rohit got through SOAS. most sat for SNAP, one got in others didn't. everyone is busy keeping updated about admission news, which form is out which is not. there is a certain lull in all the actvity. it really seems all of us are finally gearing up to take life ahead from where college will end. so it that good or bad? good in a sense because im sure happy for everyone who has life almost etched out in front of them and not so bad in the other, because a sense of deja vu gripps me.
I dont know how the last three years just whisked by. most of the time i was so engulfed in pain and misery that i must have missed out on a lot of fun. but no regrets.its just seeing the last few months of college thus slipping by, almost like a handful of sand. it makes me feel a wide array of things, fears and apprehensions for my future, nostalgic about what is today and what wont be..cautious and edgy about the people who feautre in my college memories, varing a few all are pretty worthless. so where does that leave me? i dont know... maybe hoping that i can make it to the places im aiming for and praying that i dont have to stay back here...after all for a girl sky is not all that limitless.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female. It is sometimes thought of as a potentially creative girl, delicately lovely; sometimes as a somewhat older woman, intelligent but rather pedantic and spinsterish. The latter impression is sometimes confirmed by the Virgoan preciseness, refinement, fastidious love of cleanliness, hygiene and good order, conventionality and aristocratic attitude of reserve. They are usually observant, shrewd, critically inclined, judicious, patient, practical supporters of the status quo, and tend toward conservatism in all departments of life. On the surface they are emotionally cold, and sometimes this goes deeper, for their habit of suppressing their natural kindness may in the end cause it to atrophy, with the result that they shrink from committing themselves to friendship, make few relationships, and those they do make they are careful to keep superficial.
But the outward lack of feeling may, in some individuals born under this sign, conceal too much emotion, to which they are afraid of giving way because they do not trust others, nor do they have confidence in themselves and their judgments. This is because they are conscious of certain shortcomings in themselves of worldliness, of practicality, of sophistication and of outgoingness. So they bring the art of self concealment to a high pitch, hiding their apprehensiveness about themselves and their often considerable sympathy with other people under a mantle of matter-of-factness and undemonstrative, quiet reserve. They are still waters that run deep. Yet in their unassuming, outwardly cheerful and agreeable fashion, they can be sensible, discreet, well spoken, wise and witty, with a good understanding of other people's problems which they can tackle with a practicality not always evident in their own personal relationships.
Both sexes have considerable charm and dignity, which make some male Virgoans appear effeminate when they are not. In marriage they can be genuinely affectionate, making good spouses and parents, but their love making is a perfection of technique rather than the expression of desire, and they must be careful not to mate with a partner whose sex drive requires a passion they cannot match.
They are intellectually inquiring, methodical and logical, studious and teachable. They combine mental ingenuity with the ability to produce a clear analysis of the most complicated problems. They have an excellent eye for detail but they may be so meticulous that they neglect larger issues. Also, although they are realists, they may slow down projects by being too exact.
Their self distrust is something they project on to other people and tends to make them exacting employers, though in the demands they make on those under them they temper this attitude with justice. They have potential abilities in the arts, sciences and languages. Language especially they use correctly, clearly, consciously and formally, as grammarians and etymologists rather than for literary interests, yet they are likely to have a good memory for apt quotations. Although they are well suited for careers in machine drawing, surveying and similar occupations, they are better fitted for a job in a library or office than a workshop.
Their minds are such that they need the stimulus of practical problems to be solved rather than the mere routine or working to set specifications that need no thought. They are careful with money and their interest in statistics makes them excellent bookkeepers and accountants. They also make good editors, physicists and analytical chemists. They may also find success as welfare workers, ministering to those less fortunate than themselves. They can be doctors, nurses, psychologists, teachers, confidential secretaries, technologists, inspectors, musicians, critics, public speakers and writers especially of reference works such as dictionaries and encyclopedias. Both sexes have a deep interest in history, a feature recognized by astrological authorities for at least two hundred years. If they go in for a business career their shrewdness and analytical ingenuity could tempt them into dishonesty, though they usually have enough moral sense to resist temptation. Female Virgoans may find a career in fashion, for they have a flair for dress, in which they can be trend setters. In any profession they choose the natives of this sign readily assimilate new ideas, but always with caution, conserving what they consider worth keeping from the past. They love country life but are unlikely to make good farmers, unless they can contrive to carry out their work without outraging their sense of hygiene and cleanliness.
Their faults, as is usual with all zodiacal types, are the extremes of their virtues. Fastidious reticence and modesty become old-maidenishness and persnickety; balanced criticism becomes carping and nagging; and concern for detail becomes overspecialization. Virgoans are liable to indecision in wider issues and this can become chronic, turning molehills of minor difficulties into Himalayas of crisis. Their prudence can become guile and their carefulness, turned in on themselves, can produce worriers and hypochondriacs.
- Health foods
- Hazards to health
- Anything sordid
- Sloppy workers
- Being uncertain
this is to reaffirm certain things to myself. to know my short comings and to hopefully rectify them someday. :D I'm born on the 6th of September.. note it down guys and girls.. i ll be expecting gifts and chocolates.. so save from NOW!! Or else....Lolzy!! :P
the link of the site from which this piece of information was taken is here
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I'm not an ardent fan of roadies but then i do watch it now and then. it is a show that is a good pastime,something that you can always tune to when you have nothing else to do. roadies audition or for that matter almost every reality show audition really bores and tires me to no end! but this time whatever little i saw of roadies changed my perception.
Raghu whom i used to think was all crass, with no sense of language or manner was the one who surprised me the most. in fact my impression of him has changed manifolds. now when i see the roadies auditions and i see perfect namunas coming to audition, i really pity Raghu for having to endure such samples. its the peoples mind and mentality that is the most shocking, there was this one guy who says, if he finds out that his girl was cheating on him, then he would marry her and in front of her have s** with another girl, just to mentally torture her, Raghu and his brother Rajiv was like furious as hell!! truly said one who doesn't respect a woman, or for that doesnt understand anything but himself is not worth a second glance!
This is just one example, there are many like this. somehow now i feel Raghu and Rajiv are just doing all those wannabe roadie aspirants a huge favor curing them of their mental sickness by counseling them, helping them help themselves, to recognize their faults and flaws, and all that pshychiatric help for free. i feel all those who made or didn't make it to the 20 roadies are very fortunate for no matter what they have gone through one of the greatest task masters which will ultimately benefit them. this time the best was, that Raghu and Rajiv both were a bit more humane, and more approachable and it was very entertaining to see them taking the class of those who were dumber than the dumbest. :P
Saturdays, MTV @ 7 pm
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Well today is Dad and Sir's [you know who? yeah my favorite prof's] birthday and of course Hrithik Roshan's birthday too...
We had a surprise birthday party at sir's place today.where we had a gala time.the food and snacks was amazing!sir took special time out to just to talk to Samik, so that he didn't feel left out, as he was the only one not from our college or department. i was touched to say the least. moreover other members of the faculty were there too and mam [sir's wife] and sir went out of their way to make samik comfortable and introduced him to other members of my faculty as their friends and we had a great adda session, :D i was feeling a whole lot special not only because it was my favourite prof's birthday but to our batch he is more of a friend than anything else. the kind of relationship we share is really amazing, and for them to accept samik as my extension of me, is really a big deal for me, as I'm really a very shy person when it comes to being public with my relationship with my seniors from college or my elders. Truly Sir rocks and mam is damn nice too..
Mom, who has her birthday tomorrow.
Friday, January 09, 2009
I dont know how but we managed to get home, i was feeling like hell and it seemed so funny to my silly but nice student who decided to make matters worse by talking of food and egging me on.. i tried calming down but the uneasyness wouldnt go, then i just rushed to the loo for a session of puking. just when i sat down and thought.. "okay so the worst is over.." just then i got another call so i just rushed off to another puking session... then another and another... another then another and at last the 6th and the last time...so an exhaustive me almost passed out on the bathroom floor, with a bad case of migraine just setting in.. somehow i pulled myself up and as i peered into the mirror i saw a strange face staring back, sullen eyes, with ters running down and blood ozzing out of my nostrils.after repeated washing it just wouldnt go, and the blood just wouldnt stop it took an hour and almost 10-15 cotten buds and then the blood just stopped pouring!! :D
I asked mom if i could be hospitalized and all and she flatly refused me..damn!! there went my deam of being hospitalized. did i tell you that i have a strange fixation with being admitted in the hospitals. i just want to be admitted and then have all my friends and relatives swarming up to meet me and make me feel important..but that's a different story :)
Thursday, January 08, 2009
1)What is your occupation?
A student but i prefer 'a blogger' more.
2)What colour are your socks now?
White and blue.. really cute and that reminds me, i have to hunt my red and white socks which have merrily gone missing after i had put it in the laundry tub!damn!
3)What are you listening to now?
The phone is ringing !
4)What was the last thing you ate?
A cup of coffee
5)Can you drive a stick shift?
6)Last person you spoke to on phone?
samik.. just hung up :)
7)Do you like the person who sent you this?
NO I DONT. Love her :)
8)How old are you today?
I'm 21 yrs and 4 months old :)
9)What is your favourite sport to watch on TV?
Cricket.. like you need to ask?
10)What are your favourite drinks?
Vodka... lol just kidding... coffee not really a great CCD fan anymore but i like those nescae coffee machines.. they are like heavenly..coffee with a hint of chocolate and loads of froth..inexpensive so i can actually have more than one...
11)Have you ever dyed your hair ?
You mean hair colouring? if yes then yea just once.. it didnt really have an effect :(
Anything that i can eat and digest without falling sick.. im not a great foodie
13)Last movie watched?
Tintorreter Jesus by Sandip Ray
14)Favourite day of the year?
Samik's birthday and our anniversary... both falls on the same day :P on the 2nd of June
15)How do you vent out your anger?
I sulks, stomp,give the person who has angered me a terrible time..and that person invariably is Samik..poor guy but really cant help... im pretty gusse wali.. dont go by the impression i give.. you know whom to ask this question.. now dont you..
16)Favourite toy as a child?
Now thats a tough one.. i cant remember toys but yea i simply adored my Basketball
Interim period when the seasons change, be it spring or autumn.. love summers and monsoons too but i dont really like winters due to the cold and for having to wear thick wollens which i think spoils an attire and makes you look fatter...
18)Do you want your friends to email you? Yes,of course.
19)When was the last time you cried?
Hmm...1st of jan.. and that happened almost 6-8 months after the last time before that, and this must tell you something.. i hardly cry..
20)What is on the floor of your closet?
Some dirty laundry
21)Who is the friend you have had the longest?
sorry they are twins.. Sayanti and Srimoyee.. i have known her since first day of school when i was in Kindergarten that's almost 16 years and Druhin too in that case whom i have known from Pre-school and that's almost 19 years and few months..
22)What did you do last night?
Chatted with Samik over the phone till 2.30am.. don't worry i wasn't late..got up at 7am :D
23)What are you most afraid of?
Being abandoned and losing loved ones :(
24)Plain,cheese or spicy hamburger?
25)Favourite dog breed ?
golden retriever or Labrador
26)Favorite day of the week?
27)How many states have you lived in?
28)Diamond or pearl?
I'm not really a jewelery person, can hardly wear one for long. id rather have a rare pearl of a husband and diamond like a life with him
29)What is your wish for this new year?
that all my dreams and desires come true.
30)New year resolutions?
YEA of course, that i will not fight changes.
Now i TAG
PS- thanks you guys for the lovely comments in the previous post!! im too touched for words... *hugs*
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
A cute lil angel turns 3 today and it is a misfortune that i cannot be there for her, on one of her most important days. but then that doesn't stop me from remembering such a sweetheart who brings smiles to all she meets and touches lives with her beautiful ways.
- Love Raka Mashi
Monday, January 05, 2009
I was faced with yet another case of infidelity today. it was shocking to hear my student confess about her father's infidelity to me. what was really alarming was that, her father did it openly without any shame, got the lady over and did things or behaved in a way most inappropriate. and the reason for behaving this way? well her mom had been removed from her school when she was in class 9 and was married off to an old man from a rich household, who had an affair with his sister-in-law, so that had led to her unfortunate marriage falling apart and later she married her father. i was left with no words to comfort her. i don't know what the world is coming to.
On happier thoughts, i spoke to Harshi. and needless to say I'm a lot happier and calm. so no this time i wont thank her. i ll just settle with thanking god for sending me a non Christmas season Santa. Really life becomes a whole lot better if you have some great people around.
our new blog is really gaining great response and its really heartwarming. and the best part of it is, we are not under any pressure to promote or make its presence to be felt, like we had to the last time with the other blog. this time the bloggers are so excited that we have almost 6 posts in 5 days which i think is a super duper start. i just hope things work out and this blog stands the test of time.
if you still haven't seen it yet?and are interested to visit it.. then the link is here -Femme Fatale
And in case you haven't picked your award.. click here... or simply scroll down.there is one for everyone..
Here is what i keep telling myself every time life hurls me with a new challenge.. i don't know if it will work for you, but it sure works for me.
For the first time in life i felt that being a girl can be such a pain in life. Until today I have never faced the brunt of any injustice because i am a girl but what happened today made me feel bad for being a girl. What happened today shouldn't have happened and i don't know just how to get over it and move on. I know tomorrow maybe i will have better sense to look beyond everything, to regain the hope and faith and deal with this situation better but as of now, I'm angry,insulted, pissed, humiliated hurt and extremely disappointed.
A girl no matter how careerist, or homely, always envisions that the day the talks of her marriage will be broached will be a happy affair. it will be a beautiful moment that will be with her for life. I'm not different. but today my happiness turned into insult, humiliation and utter disappointment and hurt. Samik's folks brought up the topic of marriage today. its their tonality and perspective of looking at our marriage that led to this being my worst nightmare. They made me feel I'm an object.. some alu bhindi, with no dreams or desires, that i should get married and why? Because if Samik gets married then he will be settled he will learn to take responsibilities, and if he moves out of town, he will have me to take care of him. i wonder why his parents need a literature graduate servant for their son, to take care of him. i was angry and aghast. all this was coming from people who i believed loved me back, who are so concerned about me and my well being. they know about my future aspirations to study and work and yet they say stuff like this; and what could be worse, they spoke to me in third person, making me feel even worse, like "we were telling samik, get married because you will have someone to take care of you, and you wont be feeling alone or bored. having a wife will make him responsible" and i was dying to yell at them, " and what about me? and my dreams and wishes? am i that trivial?" damn!! i cant belive people in 21st century are like this, specially people who claim to love me treating me like im something that need to be weighed and sold; it hurts like hell. i cant belive that such people exist who they have double standards one reserved for thier daughter and one for their daughter-in-law.
Are we girls born only so that we can be married off?? are we not an individual at all? if any of you guys reading this, then make a mental note now; never let your parents talk you into such atrocious things, never do it to your own daughter and never ever let anyone related to you or not, go through this at all. marraige is a beautiful thing to happen, but it should happen when the time is right and when the two people are ready for it. i hope none of you have to go through what i did.
Btw NO IM NOT GETTING MARRIED!! :x
Sunday, January 04, 2009
- all my friends deserve this one.. pardon me if i have left out anyone :)
Harshita, Mithe, Anwesa,Richa, Hemz,Trina, Yamini,Multimenon, Kesh,Yamini, Trina, Mithe, Devinediu,Lena,Ria Tara, Crystal, Rahul and Divs :)
ZUBIN. Mayz,PJ,Anwesa,Hemz,Harshita,Richa,Divs,Trina, PK, Keshi, Aqua girl, Ria,Yamini, Mithe, Mehreen, Crystal, Preetilata, Lena, Abhishek, Hemz, Amrita,Mehreen and Chris
this one goes to Harshita, Richa, Hemz, Divs, PJ, PK, Akshat, Multimenon, Chris, Mayz,Rahul, Amrita,Mehreen,Yamini and The lover.
dont forget to read the previous post too :) scroll down for it :P