Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Hate Being Me!!

Granted that we should be optimistic and stay cheerful. granted that we should look beyond unhappiness and frustrations. but a person has her/his weak moments. and i guess every person should have their space to rant, let out anger and unhappiness, these are human failings and even i have an access to them.

Sometimes i feel that god has been really partial. he has given some, abundance of most good qualities and some he has given below average attributes.most will comfort me when i say I'm so flawed, but we all have flaws and all . i know i am not. i wish i had great hair.. OK not so great but good hair, thick and shiny. i wish i did have so blunt features. i have no qualms with my complexion being wheatish but then it is wheatish na not perfect and flawless. i don't have my athletic built anymore, love handles keeps reminding me of their existence. I'm not tall too. damn! i hate myself. i wonder why i lack motivation to do anything about myself. all my life I've been careless about myself, i have roamed carefree not caring about the sun burning my skin or the dust wrecking my long hair, which remained untied and un-brushed.maybe its because i never loved myself, never took pride in myself, never went the extra mile to take care of my appearance, maybe its because mom always discouraged me and made me feel bad about myself. i don't know maybe its just me.

i wonder why even after being dissatisfied and recognizing my flaws i can never have the motivation enough to see things through sustainably. its damn frustrating and irritating and i just don't know what to do about myself.

all you people whom i have bored, who are utterly disgusted to read this repelling post, i wont apologize, a girl has her frustrations and insecurities. and don't you dare tell me "its okay you will get better!" or "we all have our flaws!" or even "this is a phase, it too shall pass!!" because we all have these insecurities and frustrations some masquerade it and some very silly and dumb people like me choose to talk about it, hereby making it public!!!!

Don't ask me why this sudden moronic outburst, blame it on my PMS or the fact that i know I'm putting on weight despite checking my food and exercise. its really damn frustrating to choose L or XL clothes[ i tend to wear loose clothes anyway] damn! i cant pick out anything randomly without worrying if it will fit me or it will reveal all the things i don't want it to. uff!! I'm just too bugged and cranky i guess.. damn this new year!! nothing is going my way!!!!


Hello? God? you there??.... i need help here... :(


Chronicwriter said...

God is right inside you.. and you can smile...

you r planning to lose weight and am on a mission to put some on

Trinaa said...

:( :( :(

CяystąL said...

Knock Knock!

We need you God! :x

Mithe said...

Hey, hey hey! whats happened to my cheerful bubbly friend? where's she lost? GOD, we do need you!
Hey,I know my prolonged absence from the blogger scene is not good but to this extent?(lolzzz)
NO, SERIOUSLY Phoenix dear, whats the matter? Hey, be cheerful yaar-I know its easy for me to say this( sitting so far from there) but you do need to be cheerful! Everything will be alright-trust me:))))))))))))))))))))))))

TC and do be happy!

vanilla sky said...

We all have flaws and inside we all crave for something better.
Just find your positives and you'll find things much happier. Happiness is kind of relative.
cheer up:)

Rahul said...

Yes, am God here. I heard what you said just now. I am really surprised that you are thinking about what I haven't given have a wonderful mother and a have had the privilege to get educated in a wonderful institute, have wonderful friends around you and you have excellent writing skills.. I have deliberately not given you the looks as I have spared it for some poor chaps who have nothing but the looks..I have to distribute things equally you know. Maybe not the same qualities and quantities, but I give everyone something to be happy with. So I would rather ask you not to lament on your looks, people may be prettier than you..but certainly not happier than you .. I feel sad when your prayers fill up my Prayer Box every night you know.. So cheer up !! And don't let me see such prayers from you again !!

Jinxed Pixie said...

i completely agree wid u...we all have r bad days...but u write so damn well....i can completely connect wid it...
n d best part...i have time on my side...but it happens you know...everyone feels that way, I too...but as of now, I m quite at comfort wid being myself...
n i know i m soundin like shikha sharma ven i say dis, but sometimes you jst have to listen to ur body...

ANWESA said...

i must tell u 2 words-keep smiling.
thats it.

Keshi said...

Phoenix I love ur honesty. Not every girl can be this genuine in the open and admit to how she really feels regardless of wut ppl r gonna think/say abt her after reading this. So, kudos to ya for being so OPEN and REAL!

Now abt ur feelings...yes we all wonder abt the things that we hv NOT BEEN GIVEN in this life. Its human to feel that way. Its normal. And its very real. AAAND its OK to feel that way.

We r all born different, hv been given varying levels of beauty, intelligence, senses, abilities etc etc. Wut Im trying to say is, EVERYONE MISSES SOMETHING IN THEIR LIFE...and no 2 people can ever be the same!

For example, you may be a lil shorter than I am, but I may not hv the lovable eyes that u hv. And someone else may hv all the beauty that she can hv, but she may miss a loved-one in her life...someone who died long time ago and never saw what she grew up to be. And the list goes on...

**maybe its because mom always discouraged me and made me feel bad about myself.

u know it happens in every loving as mums can be, sometimes they can say the most hurtful things to their children...I've been there. u know how independent I mum doesnt like it all that much. She reckons I should pack up and get married. Sometimes she says really hurtful things that I hv to bear up all alone. but I never let it get to me. I carve my own HAPPINESS. Simply becos no one else can do that for me.

u know...we all hv something/someone missing in our lives...and we all hv something that someone else dun have in their lives! Take a good look at urself and find that UNIQUENSS in u. Im sure u'll start appreciating urself better then sweetie.

I AM WHAT I HAVE and WHAT I DUN HAVE. If I HAD everything in life, I'd never know what Perseverance is.

And rem Phoenix, u r BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, SENSIBLE and so LOVING amidst all the things that u say ur missing in ur life. HUGS I luv ya just the way u r!


Meera said...

Yes,we all go through these hate-me times...and guess what?even I am putting on weight...hmpf!
But all these stuffs are something we can change with patience and time..So just Smile dear!

Rahul Viswanath said...

I love being MEEEEEEEEEEEE .........
Narcissist ;-)

MultiMenon said...

baby,wots up now??

Thanks ur stars for u just have these many flaws(u say so??).And I dun rly think anyone is flawed in the literal sense,ur given alll that makes u best.I cant rly dream of eight packs or even more coz I kno am not made it for all that.Be happy with all that you have for the best in you wud most certainly pop out with u being so..

Ur much much much much more than all those flaws..-the most lovable kid if u ask me and I do take it like that.And flaws dun rly have a place here..If u are soo flawed,so am I..ain't it??

Take care sweetheart..Think abt givin me a call too..:)


yamini_meduri said...

when stars dont come in our way
when our angels stop blushing 4 us
when we find none to cheer us up
when we have no shoulder to lean on

it seems like the whole world ended
that we are the only being alive
to experience the fearful silence
to worry about out presence here

what is it about our solitude
when there is no one else to see
no one alive to check us out
none at all to know who we are??

let us start living all ourselves
from now on, when they r all alive
though they don't agree with us
to show what we are and wat we can

how are my lines dear??? i hope you will smile atleast now....please Phoenix it is good to see you smile...!!!

about the post...i know i cant tell anything because it happened to me everytime i thougt about something good..or wen i expected some joyous words to me back...but my thoughts and expectations always went it with the favorite book or the beautiful dress...i always had to have a about the second thought...but dear, i learned to be happy with them.

my experiences made me strong to face anykind of situations..!! there were times when i lost hope on life but i think there is something good waiting for me so i am stil there...!!!

so dont worry dear...everything will be fine but it does take time....!!!

Good luck....!!!

yamini_meduri said...

a big comment hope you dont mind reading it completely...!!!

mayz said...

you hate you??? but i love you...n i dont like hearin you sayin all those things to someone i shhhhh!!!


Harshita said...

I am not gonna tell you its gonna be alrite n all tht crap...

Am gonna catch u by ur collar and throw you on a treadmill... :P

Dekh yaar... if you think things r not crib... but after sometime take chrge... and tell God..."fine, dude! you not gonna fix it for me...wait gonna do that"

and fix it all for u...

Start step by step and fix all that you lose weight... I will send you some easy tips to do tht... and also... for ur hair...well lemme tell u... I have below the waist long hair and yet my hair-salon person shouts at me everytime I go thr... I am soirresponsible but then I dont blame god for tht ;) I oil my hiair when I find time and take care of them...

Choti si baat hain bachchi... ;) jo upar waala tumharey liye naa karein..usey tum karkey dikhaao... Zara usey bhi pata chaley ki Raka cheez kya hain :)

Waisey...mujhey toh tu aisey hi mast lagti hain...aur Samik ko bhi...but if u think u need to work on few tht :) Main Hoon Naa...hehe

seher's shenanigans said...

Hey You!!!
Great Place to be at... your place :D
I mean this place.
and when you say 'I wonder why even after being dissatisfied and recognizing my flaws i can never have the motivation enough to see things through sustainably. its damn frustrating and irritating and i just don't know what to do about myself.'
You actually admit that you have some negatives... but that veil over your eyes is barrin you from actually looking at that which could be your 911.

ki said...


pisku said...

Hey.. u must watch kungfu panda again (i'm sure u've seen it once)

There is no secret ingredient :)

joiedevivre said...

u kno i hav extra white complexion..which it often troublin..i admit i hav silky hairs but they dont stay at place..
and much more yarr

its okie
you will always b judged by your heart and love for other and not by skin and features..

u kno u'l be fine..absolutly fine..dont get so hard on yourself..


WarmSunshine said...

I remember pulling my hair out when i was dieting so much...

And i remember not being able to sleep the night i had eaten something sweet :D