Tuesday, February 10, 2009

All about love

If you think this is a Valentines day induced post then you are wrong. Valentine's day has practically nothing to do with love, but you do get yet another reason to smile, to tell your loved one that he/she means the world to you, to shower gifts and attention to the one who completes you. love and the object of my love has been hogging every living moment in my life of late. what with Samik having to leave the city for better job offers, the prospect of dealing with life away from him and of course the insecure feelings of what next, once he left.

This week almost four years back, was marked by chaos and confusion. i was getting involved with this new friend, who slowly came to occupy a prominent space in my life. being hurt and battered from previous relationship, with emotional baggage to carry and scars that hadn't healed, i had taken the leap of faith. i have been less than perfect myself, i had built a wall around me, guarding it with my pride and self esteem and so much so that i have probably blocked Samik out, not relying or trusting him to deal with me, all these years. but when one is threatened to lose the one person who is indispensable to his /her life, then he/she realizes their true worth. maybe i did too. frankly i don't think anyone but Samik is capable of handling my atrocious temper, my fanaticism about perfection, my inherent need to critique not just others but myself; and all this and more makes Samik the one person who made me realize almost four years after being in love with him, that i really do love him and it is not just a deep seated need in me to crave for security and stability, that Samik offers me to perfection.

Funny! isn't it but my life is nothing short of being a comedy of errors and if you know me from close quarters then you'd know just what kind of love-hate relationship we share. despite being poles apart, diametrically opposite we are like paper and glue and somehow i have come to accept this imperfection and love it as well. ask me now what is love? and if I'm honest to myself id tell, i don't really know. to me love means, to be there for each other through thick and thin, to trust the other person with my mind, body and soul; to reach out to him in agony and pain, in happiness and in disdain. to feel for him enough to let down my guard and if need be, to lower my ego to reach out.

Wondering why all this talk of love? and thinking i should have posted this on valentines day? hell no, I'm not insane. like Samik i don't believe in love being reserved for valentines day, if i feel it today i will express it today and not wait till the 14th of Feb. cliched? who cares! i don't! i was scared and at my wits end, thinking of a life apart from Samik. despite being a tough girl i knew i just couldn't do it, there wasn't a scope either to revert things because there wasn't much to do. but [thankfully] or sadly.. no thankful i am that Samik is not going to Bangalore, Ive never really been this happy or relieved or so grateful to God, ever! but i am. i know what i went through and just how hard it was for me to be in a state where at night i felt relieved that samik wasn't going but then again in the morning he changed his mind, and decided to leave, it was the most traumatic week of my life but in the end relief came rushing back and i could cry with joy! i know Samik did this for me at the cost of his pride and self dignity, he sacrificed his dreams and hopes for me, and for this i respect and love him more. i always had this against him, that i could sacrifice my dreams and desires for him but he didn't love me enough to do it for me. but even though he never said those words to me, he did them for me. for the first time in life, i left happy and proud despite being defeated.

There is no pride in admitting you are wrong, in reaching out to your loved one, no shame to admit your love. i know i am being emotionally challenged, i have intimacy issues, i may not say it too often, or i may actually shrug off the feeling. but it is there, for all to see. i may be headstrong and stubborn and an extremely angry person, he maybe foolish and a moron.. a 'foolish moron' but despite the imperfections having him around completes my world, never mind the flaws and imperfections. Maybe this is love for me, and i truly Love Samik.

28 comments:

Ria said...

That was a truly beautiful post, straight from the heart!and yes u really dint hav to wait for V'day to write wht u feel! Its perfect time to love....feel loved and shower all the love on ur loved one. I feel happy for u gurl!! :) May god bless both of u. *Hugs*

mayz said...

god bless u both :)

ANWESA said...

wish u both happiness!!!

The Rat... said...

HUGZZZ... Let him know abt this, darling... have ur best-esht time ahead!!!

Hemanth Potluri said...

so beautiful u have ritten it up sweetu...let him know all this...he will give u a big hug...god bless :)..

urs..hemu..

Akshat said...

awwww...sis you are getting more romantic every day....lucky Samik!!

lols @ foolish moron!!!

And you are a stubborn and angry person?? Ya right...I don't buy it....you are too sweet to be an angry person!!! :P

Take Care

Amrita~Ams said...

aweeeeeeeeeee..
raka luv is in air...ummm..
samik is damn lucky man :)

beutiful post dear

MultiMenon said...

truuuuly beautifulll.... :)

both of u Iges are lucky for the other.. :)

Nikhil

Richa said...

awww.. i m soo soo vy happy for u both ...

love yah n my bestes wishes for u guys :D

n as far as valentines day is concerned, i guess, wen ppl r in love, every day is a valentine day..

nazr na lag jaye ;)

Jinxed Pixie said...

really, even i m sooo happy for you...

Scribblers Inc said...

I came...read a bit...heard a lot...and I heard this melody after ages...

God Bless...
Scribblers Inc.

P.S.-both of you.

Pallav said...
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Pallav said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pallav said...

dont know wen i come to know something like this i feel very good...
even if i heard somebody is in relation i donno i liked it....
Lucky Samik...
May God Bless both of uu
All the best....
one thing more u neednot to wait for Valentine day...
everyday is Valentine if you feel it...

Tara said...

Beautiful. So very beautiful. Wow girlie. Indeed, you are very lucky to have someone like Samik by your side, there are many people who have no one![read:me!]

the pink orchid said...

wow! ..this one takes me into the valentine's day mood further... so much of reality and yet so much of love.. god bless you girl!! :)good times are ahead.. :D

Trinaa said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww..this is d sweeeeeeetest post ever! :')

abhishek said...

bhagwan jodi banaye rakhe :)

Matangi Mawley said...

wow! lovely!! all the best!! :)

yamini meduri said...

hello Phoenix...!!!!

may both of you be together and share a happy life ever....dont worry yaar....like Neel n Nayona....Samik and Raka will have happiness in store all the time;)


wish all the sucess be with my Phoenix and her special man...!!!

and dear....abit confused...is Samik staying bak...or leaving???

ki said...

Awwww. :)
All the best you guys.

<3

Pranav Kumar V said...

See, firstly by mentioning V-day you made it a V-day relevant post. :P

Anyway, I've never been in the 'giving love' to someone phase of life yet (beyond family and very few friends), I'm just holding it up for that someone to come in that some phase of life... for you I'd say, always stand up for what you are and even if its not the best thing at times, loved ones are always there to understand, which makes it all the more loving!! :D

And finally, agree with all your maybes but, why angry person??? No NO NOOOO!!

Anyways, have a great week, probably a greater weekend... and [strike]maybe[/s] all the days to come... :D

See you when I see you... :)

Hobo ........ ........ ........ said...

A person honesty with himself/herself is utmost important to be happy.
If a person is happy, world is happy.
enjoy !

Shrutilaya said...

Awww :)

Sassy-Sim said...

Hey....its a very heart touching post..well i have been going through your blogs for quite some time now...i must say i like your writing style so keep up your good work gal..tc!

Mithe said...

I stick to my comment in the shout box-it is mushy...the beautiful article.
lov ya dear-your heart is full..make sure it stays this way-it may be good for your relationship-sachi...
all the best always:)

Harshita said...

Yeh aayi bilkul tere sachchey dil sey... :)

I loved it... I am sure u guys will stay together forever and see each other grow as people.

All the best :)

americanising desi said...

i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddd it!!!
woooooooooooo hooooooooooooooo i could jump off a cliff just because i felt it all pour into me...
bravo!!! :D:D:D
happy love all the way!!!