If you think this is a Valentines day induced post then you are wrong. Valentine's day has practically nothing to do with love, but you do get yet another reason to smile, to tell your loved one that he/she means the world to you, to shower gifts and attention to the one who completes you. love and the object of my love has been hogging every living moment in my life of late. what with Samik having to leave the city for better job offers, the prospect of dealing with life away from him and of course the insecure feelings of what next, once he left.
This week almost four years back, was marked by chaos and confusion. i was getting involved with this new friend, who slowly came to occupy a prominent space in my life. being hurt and battered from previous relationship, with emotional baggage to carry and scars that hadn't healed, i had taken the leap of faith. i have been less than perfect myself, i had built a wall around me, guarding it with my pride and self esteem and so much so that i have probably blocked Samik out, not relying or trusting him to deal with me, all these years. but when one is threatened to lose the one person who is indispensable to his /her life, then he/she realizes their true worth. maybe i did too. frankly i don't think anyone but Samik is capable of handling my atrocious temper, my fanaticism about perfection, my inherent need to critique not just others but myself; and all this and more makes Samik the one person who made me realize almost four years after being in love with him, that i really do love him and it is not just a deep seated need in me to crave for security and stability, that Samik offers me to perfection.
Funny! isn't it but my life is nothing short of being a comedy of errors and if you know me from close quarters then you'd know just what kind of love-hate relationship we share. despite being poles apart, diametrically opposite we are like paper and glue and somehow i have come to accept this imperfection and love it as well. ask me now what is love? and if I'm honest to myself id tell, i don't really know. to me love means, to be there for each other through thick and thin, to trust the other person with my mind, body and soul; to reach out to him in agony and pain, in happiness and in disdain. to feel for him enough to let down my guard and if need be, to lower my ego to reach out.
Wondering why all this talk of love? and thinking i should have posted this on valentines day? hell no, I'm not insane. like Samik i don't believe in love being reserved for valentines day, if i feel it today i will express it today and not wait till the 14th of Feb. cliched? who cares! i don't! i was scared and at my wits end, thinking of a life apart from Samik. despite being a tough girl i knew i just couldn't do it, there wasn't a scope either to revert things because there wasn't much to do. but [thankfully] or sadly.. no thankful i am that Samik is not going to Bangalore, Ive never really been this happy or relieved or so grateful to God, ever! but i am. i know what i went through and just how hard it was for me to be in a state where at night i felt relieved that samik wasn't going but then again in the morning he changed his mind, and decided to leave, it was the most traumatic week of my life but in the end relief came rushing back and i could cry with joy! i know Samik did this for me at the cost of his pride and self dignity, he sacrificed his dreams and hopes for me, and for this i respect and love him more. i always had this against him, that i could sacrifice my dreams and desires for him but he didn't love me enough to do it for me. but even though he never said those words to me, he did them for me. for the first time in life, i left happy and proud despite being defeated.
There is no pride in admitting you are wrong, in reaching out to your loved one, no shame to admit your love. i know i am being emotionally challenged, i have intimacy issues, i may not say it too often, or i may actually shrug off the feeling. but it is there, for all to see. i may be headstrong and stubborn and an extremely angry person, he maybe foolish and a moron.. a 'foolish moron' but despite the imperfections having him around completes my world, never mind the flaws and imperfections. Maybe this is love for me, and i truly Love Samik.