Wednesday, April 29, 2009
here's a heart felt thank you to all those who took their precious time our and agreed to write a few lines just for me... *HUGZIE* forgive me for not mentioning the names now... for i don't want to spoil the fun.... keep reading... i hope you have fun!! :)
Look our for this space on may 1st at 12am for the first guest post!! and we will have Mr intellectual delivering one of his best, upping the heat a couple of notches... trust me its a post to look forward to... *slurp* *slurp* :D :P
BTW i can see!!!
my glasses are back!! yay!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
i have hardly a clue what i am writing now.. no i haven't lost it.. yet. but its just that i broke my glasses, and it took a really long time to get it fixed. so im virtually blind right now, my glasses come only tomorrow or day after tomorrow, so that means i can bunk studies some more.. :)
No i'm not celebrating summers here. its just that the heat here in Kolkata has become a record of sorts. its at 41.5 degrees with a humidity of 98% with no signs of rain. the Met too doesn't even make their usual fake promises of rain, which could however have pacified us. with loo blowing, and sweat making skin sticky and wet, its a terrible situation. i just hope the rains come soon, for without the respite surviving this heat will be tough, as already 5 people have died.
I have been hooked to watching Mtv Roadies and this time it was a nail biting finish. and by far the best in roadies. okay don't cringe because its a reality show and all that. not all are bad. yea roadies may seem like a show for wannabes and with Palak you cant really blame people for berating the show; but however there are the lines of Nauman and Kiri who show their true worth. the best part of the finale was,Kiri choose someone equal to fight instead of a weak contender [with a lot of brainstorming by Raghu and Rajiv] the task that both had to do in the finale was really exhilarating and i was in the edge of my seat. its a task that could be performed only on the basis of cheer passion and will to win. and Nauman did just that. he slipped and fell twice, he was cheered by only a few, he could have given up but he tried and Kiri put up a worthy fight but when Nauman lifted the flag and then collapsed having won the battle, i realized something for myself. if you have the passion in you, and the will to succeed, nothing ever is a hindrance, is not really abut winning, but its about the passion with which you do it, and the satisfaction you receive when you know you have done your best.
I think im destined to be a mom much before i actually give birth to my offspring, first my niece and then Samik. Samik has always been childish and had never portrayed any maturity but what he has been up to lately is beyond everything. he has been making really discouraging remarks about my choice of career etc, moreover he makes this insane demand of me 'taking him with me' to the college i will be taking admission. i mean this is bizarre!! here i am trying my best to make my dreams come true using what maybe my last opportunity and he chooses just this very time to be all lovey dovey and like a baby he keeps cribbing for my attention. and trust me he can be a handful. so right now I'm all smothered almost chocked with the attention im getting. and no its not as cute as it sounds, for right now i could do with some moral support and understanding than having to deal with a baby. thank god at least he is toilet trained! phew! god help me!!
this is my 496th post! yay!! look out for this space for some surprises soon... :)I'm about to take a sabbatical soon!!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Ten Things You Wish You Could Say to People, don’t take any names
~ good looks wont earn you a place in life, someday it is sure to fade away! "so called hot babe"
~ life is not just about fun frolic and laughter.. "class clown"
~ stop being fake.. it shows on your face "black ass"
~ try esabgol first thing in the morning, we hate to see a constipated look first thing in the morning "so called good student"
~stop sugar coating your words and actions, for they are far from sweet "Lil miss sunshine"
~ thank your lucky stars you got in, you are just plain lucky "Mr over smart!"
~ didn't anyone tell you stealing was a bad habit "miss pickpocket"
~i love you in the truest sense of the word. "firefly"
~wishing you the world "madam butterfly"
~world is your oyster, go conquer it.~ "Mr intellectual"
~i sleep on the edge of the bed even though i sleep in a king sized bed.
~I'm a light sleeper.
~i always pray before giving up my answer scripts during exams
~i blank out each time I'm told to do sums.
~whenever i get angry.. really angry my cheeks get all warm and red.
~I'm a die hard romantic
~babies make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside i simply love them
~I'm a really angry person.
~I'm very particular about my things. and always keep them in order.
~being thoughtful and sensitive
~something that shows just how much effort you have put in for me.
~he should smell nice, not as if he has bathed in an entire bottle of deo/perfume
~i have a thing for striped/check shirts; maybe he could wear one to meet me.
~he should be 'man' not the mama's boy types' someone i can lean on
Seven things that are on your mind a lot (random ordering)
~making my dream [studying journalism] come true
~meeting the wonderful people i have made friends with on blogger
~to loose weight
~to fall in love and get a new boy friend
~to metamorphose into a new me, where for once i can do things for myself and not for other only.
~to be someone one can look up with awe and respect, maybe envy too.
Six things you wish you never did
i never gotten attached to all those people who used me for their benefit
i wish i had never said 'yes' to things i wanted to say 'no'
i wish i wasn't so forgiving all the time.. i had to deal with bad consequences thereafter
i wish i had not accommodated a loser in my life
i wish i had left my mind rule over my heart
Five things that turn you off
should be a good conversationalist
should know his way around with girls *wink*
should be strong, confident and an independent individual
Three things you want to do before you die
go on a world tour
and ensure that my parents have a comfortable life
Two smileys that describe you
Thursday, April 23, 2009
one of the main high points was of course the slide shows that they put up. they were amazing, and the effort that these people put in was really commendable. cheers and hoots reigned during the slide show each of us were really touched and a little teary eyed too. i was there with Shubhankar sitting on a stair, wearing a saree that got me drenched in sweat, with the heat upped by just 2 AC's and soo many people; we sat squashed due to lack of space, silently talking while the show was on, and we were really counting our last 'official' moments together. the feelings that coursed through were diverse, a little nostalgic, a lot hopeful, and apprehension about my future. the tears did come. a lone tear trickled down as one of my favourite teachers, SC mam spoke about her experiences about all of us and it was one very emotional moment. talking to teachers, summing up our experiences with them, amidst proclamations by the rest, that will stay back to bug them some more, was one helluva tough time, i almost choked when i informed some of my teachers of my decision of not going back. but all in all i just couldn't wait to walk away from the crowd of known faces and to forget they ever existed. all in all i must say, that this farewell even though was an awesome experience its intensity lacked the ones i went through when i was in my 10th standard.
does not mean that I'm not going to blog mind you.. :)
come on now wish me luck!!
P.S- the pics haven't been transferred from the cam yet, some problem with that. but then i will put it up soon. sorry for the delay. for now these are some of my great memories of JU.
P.P.S- no more posts on college. promise!! :) even i have had enough.. im too giddy by now.. :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
those conversations through scribbling on chits,
those moments of absolute bliss,
the study sessions,
the urgent phone calls,
and midnight texts
the jittery nerves.
the silent gazes and hasty hugs.
the scribbles and doodles,
the fake tattoos and autographs
the canteen talk or bitching sessions.
the reminiscence of happier times,
the tears of anguish and distress
the smiles and promises of a better tomorrow.
will be missed.
love is hardly the word, that can express just what i feel for you, thank you for being my friend.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
check this link it is a video.. it was shot in my college with me and my friends... most of whom you will recognize! :) have fun watching the video and don't forget to vote.
Take a look at: Tubaah: Young voters in Kolkata feel disconnected with politicians
NDTV news reporter Monideepda Banerjee [in green salwar] in the centre,
Satrajit, Ishani, Shubhankar, Monideepa mam, Me, Soumik
Payel, Tista,Pooja, Rohit and Arindam
ones in red are my friends, whom i had mentioned before :)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
when i first started looking forward to college i always knew i would get into St Xavier's. after all it was our brother school, i had the qualification and the state level rower tag and several other activities under my belt; why on earth would i be rejected? i was confident and hopeful. but my hopes was dashed into a million pieces when i saw i wasn't featured anywhere on the list and the Principal of the college flung my extra curricular activities [some 40 odd certificates in different field] claiming them to be utter rubbish and asked me to furnish certificates of things i did in the last two years of my life. that was the most discouraging moment of my life, i have never felt disillusioned, broken and completely defeated before like this before. my confidence was shattered. it took a while for me to recover and it wasn't until i got through to JU.
My father is an ex student of JU, and i have grown up with the stories of JU but strangely i never developed a keen interest to join my dad's college to maintain the legacy. in fact JU was one of my last options despite it being the best in Kolkata. the day i went to pick up the forms for JU, i fell in love with the lush gardens, friendly seniors, open spaces and the huge campus. it was then i realized my calling. Yes, mass communication may have been a dream but studying literature has been a passion i had nurtured ever since i could remember. i finally found hope in the darkest hour of my life, and from the shattered dream was born a new me.
the reason why JU is simply the best is because you have the freedom to be just you. whether straight, gay or bisexual people confidently flaunt their sexuality, keeping aside gender bias girls and guys are treated equally not just by the management but also by students, gender bias has not really come to my notice, girls and guys smoke alike without the glares of moral police. to be honest i got lost in the vast campus and the vibrant people. from the popular girl in school i became the shy, and unknown girl, it was scary so i choose to look for dark corners to hide now and then. it took awhile to open up but somehow i could never establish the familiarity with the campus that i could once associate with my school. and to add to my woes, i joined Ju with the committed tag.. and that cost me some very potential boy friends who now remain but as friends!!can you beat that? lol! :P
my favorite hangouts in campus were varied, specially in different phases in college. in the first semester when Shubhankar and i were inseparable, we and some other friends including Rohit would hang out in what is known as the jheel par [a small lake] then Shubhankar and i fell apart, i had a new set of friends and we used to hang out in the BBC[ the basket ball court] after classes and just lie there for hours altogether. during daytime we would hang out in a place called gol [a round bench around a tree] the ledge has of course been a favorite throughout for all batches, Shubhankar and i would often sit on the ledge studying and exchanging notes, it was also a witness to the numerous fights we used to have :). later when i became much more studious and serious my hideout used to be the DL[departmental library] in the comforts of the AC and away from prying eyes there i would spend my afternoons.we have around 6-7 canteens in our college, and i have frequented almost all of them except the E-faculty ones [engineering people frequent there] because they are rowdy and rather intimidating and they ogle you like anything.. after all to them people from the arts faculty are big shot hots and prized possessions, specially since they seem to have droughts of female population :P lol! Milon da's canteen remains the most popular of all canteens however no one can equal the coffee found in the AC canteen!!phew!! after Shubhankar and i patched up, the back lanes of JU became our utopia, away from prying eyes and gossip mongers there we rebuilt our friendship.
sigh! i don't know about the people but i will surely miss the campus and the ambiance of JU. there is an old Bengal feel to it. i got in touch with my roots, this is the first time i started talking fluently in my mother tongue, my convent upbringing really handicapped in speaking Bengali. Ju for the first time gave me Bengali friends and through them i savoured Bangaliana. Ju is the one place where you are you, and you are not really judged by the background you come from, or the clothes you wear or the people you move around with. the motto of campus life in JU is live and let live and if you have attitude flaunt it. its been an enriching experience here, a place which will always be remembered as a benchmark in my life, where i actually outgrew the protected life i lived during my school life and entered the adult world with its responsibilities and its spiteful and vicious claws. as i step over the threshold i carry but the good memories as unhappy ones and the distasteful ones are left behind buried in what will soon be my past.
you know what? when i was in class 3 once while doing maths i thought id just study till class 12 because i was finding doing maths tough. in class 12 i knew id just finish graduation and further studies wouldn't even be an option, and here i am almost a graduate and i crave to study more.. :) weird na??
Friday, April 17, 2009
Yesterday was my last class test in JU. yes formally the countdown to the end has begun. i wish i could feel nostalgic and a little weepy but i am not :D!!. the happy go lucky blokes in our class are a lot more emotional but they are staying back for PG anyway. yes i am taking a massive risk in life, i will not take readmission in my college for PG which is a sure shot opportunity. that means if i don't get admission in any of the 5 colleges I'm applying outside Kolkata, either i have to work or waste a year and then maybe re-apply for PG in my department. and trust me instead of feeling the burden.. okay i do feel it but a teeny tiny bit ...but im sure that i will never repent the decision i'm taking now and i will stand by it no matter what and take what comes my way cheerfully. it makes me feel a lot lighter for knowing for sure i wont have to come back to this shit hole again. and the relief is beyond what i can hardly explain.
you know why i feel so happy and relaxed about leaving college without the tell-a-tale signs of tears and nostalgia? maybe its got to do with the fact that my good friends, handful in number are the ones who have stuck by me in this rocky journey of life and the relationship i have established with them transcend the college boundaries. i don't need college boundaries to unite me with my friends and this makes each and everyone whom i consider friends stand out among the others.
Ipsy has been a moral support guiding me through some of the darkest hours of my life, when i all but gave in to despair, she made me a more confident person and gave me the strength that i could conquer anything if i set my mind to it. Shubhankar has been there through thick and thin, he is the one person i actually depend upon, be it while submitting assignments or filling up admission forms, or calming my nerves before exams, he truly has been the ultimate friend, my mirror image; someone i connect to even without talking. Rohit is one friend who has been there for me, right from the first day of college till the end, we have gossip sessions as well as those dreamy conversations about life and people, we hardly meet but when we do we have the greatest conversations ever, no ego pride or negativity has marred our friendship and he is the one friend i have managed to keep secure from oblivion's curse, he is a treasure to me. Tista is a lot crazy, hyper, Queen bee of college, she is everything i am not; feminine, fashionable and forthcoming. yet we clicked we have been friend from the last 6-10 months yet we have connected well. its with her i share my girlie side, she is my ultimate guru when it comes to beauty and fashion tips. and with our boy friends in tow we have some awesome double dates.
i don't know what my future is, where ever i am. no matter what happens. these are really the cherished few whom I'm going to remember with love and make an attempt to always keep in touch. it is the ultimate bliss when the person for whom you care reciprocates your feelings and appreciates you for who you are... college is coming to and end but not the friendship that transcends the plane on which it first blossomed!
yay!! just 3 more days to go!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
the other day i was at a popular pizza parlour for dinner. while i was waiting for the pizza to arrive i sat there noticing just how the pizza place worked and what i saw really intrigued me. Domino's goes by the tag line.. 30 min nahi toh pizza free [delivery in 30 minutes, for the pizza is all yours for free] a lot has been said about the safety of these pizza delivery boys, who risk their lives by driving rashly just to deliver pizzas on time.. its been said that the pizza that comes to you for free after 30 minutes of ordering, is actually compensated to you by the price being deducted from the pizza boy's salary and hence the rush and the life risk.
when we order a pizza all we are concerned is about just how the pizza will be like and if can avoid paying for such a sumptuous meal. the other day while eating at their joint i was observing how the pizza delivery boys were functioning. they had their own way of encouraging each other, appreciating each other; and it was really heartening. every time a delivery boy delivered the pizza and came back within the 30 minutes of the pizza being made and delivered, he earns a few points which adds to their track records. one of the guys came back in record time and the cheer he received from his colleagues really touched me.
these people who survive working on such jobs, most of which we ourselves wouldn't even consider doing. maybe its just the Indian mindset where working for pizza parlours or coffee shops is against our pride even if it earns us the bucks we so need. when we enjoy our bite of the pizza, we don't even look up at the smiling face of the guy who brings us our order with a smile. when the guy at the door holds the door open for us at a popular food join,and thanks us for our visit we walk away without even hearing what he had to say.
No one prescribed these as good habits, no weren't told that we need to pay attention to such people who make a difference in whichever way to us but shouldn't we be doing it? for humanity's sake? whenever dining out at some eatery with Samik, we make it a point to smile and thank the people who serve us and look up and smile at the doorman too and trust me, our doing so makes a difference. we are a regular at a small roadside teashop on the fringes of the city, where we often go for a drive and to hang out; we talk to the local tea shop owner and his brother, and treatment that we receive from them is really heartwarming, we are always served first, we are always made welcome and seats are found immediately at least to seat me, and if we have been absent for too long, the next visit he makes it a point to inquire after us. and despite the fact that there are other coffee shops in that area we always prefer to go back to that tea shop in shambles because of the warmth and hospitality of the people there.
its very easy to see and not notice. but what kind of existence is this? it doesn't take a lot to smile, to acknowledge another person's existence. doing a good turn will not just make the other person happy but you too. so don't lead a life but live your life and make a difference! it actually works!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
1st incident- i was traveling with my niece, we had had a long journey and we were returning from meeting one of my friends who stay in the outskirts of the city. by the time we were returning, my niece was totally fatigued ready to drop, and she complained of headache; to which i didn't pay attention as my main aim was to get her home before she actually fell sick. during the bus ride she turned pale and complained of feeling pukish, at this time i finally decided to get off with her and take her in a cab or something. as i was about to get her off the bus, she almost puked,almost.but with her hand firmly on her mouth, we got off as Samik stayed back.and what i heard from Samik about what he went through after we got off was alarming. apparently the passengers were almost up in blows because my niece while getting off the bus in a rush tripped over a lady's Saree and that dirtied her Saree. my god! as if my niece did that on purpose and she was actually doing all present a Cavour by not puking there and then on the bus, instead she waited patiently to puke once we got off. poor Samik got into a brawl of sorts which had threatened to turn nasty..damn don't people feel anymore? after all a child was sick and it wasn't as if she did that on purpose!! grrr! :X
Incident 2- I'm learning driving these days, Samik was kept in the dark about it. so today when his new car arrived i surprised him by driving a little bit, and while he was instructing me to take a turn and then get the car to halt, and i believe i did so very well but the man standing round the corner was an old man, who fumed and yelled at us for nothing, it wasn't as if i was about to hit him or anything.gawd!! i apologized to the man profusely because i thought i scared him and he turned around and started abusing me...i mean if i was at fault i apologized for it right? and even then instead of understanding, and specially disregarding the fact that I'm a girl, the man started abusing me. sheesh! i wonder if people have lost their etiquette's or the fact there is something called humanism.
Really these two incidents have made me wonder have people nowadays lost their manners or their humanity? have they stopped feeling for others? have we become so immune to the plight or problems of others??
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Yeah my tests are still on but can you believe what is bothering me right now?? shopping... everytime my list of 'to buy' finishes the other one crops up.. damn!! well im a little tight on finance right now but then there are so many things i need to buy. and trust me this is the sole reason i cant concentrate.. why on studies of course! guilty? hell no! :D
This is the mini list of all the things i soo need to buy god help me!! :D
- tote bag
- LBD [little black dress] not it literally but there is a heavenly perfume by that name
- a face scrub.. that i so need
- little silver heart earrings that i have taken a facy to
- kurtas.. i really need some..
- sneakers or canvass shoes
- a new haircut
- couple of salwars
i've been watching MTV Roadies religiously this season like other seasons too.. and its now on its last leg.. i so hope that stupid bitch [read: Palak] gets voted out this time.. god!! but from the looks of it.. she is really lucky she gets saved each time..arrgh!! i wish Nauman wins though because Paulomi is just a make up box and nothing else..I so liked Sufi.. but tough luck he was voted out.. but then Nauman is the one im rooting for.. i hope he wins and not that ghastly Palak!! im keeping my fingers crossed though.. :) Ranviyay is getting hotter every season... i could drool over him for ages.. *sigh* ..... he is sinfully tempting...
Btw i feel a whole lot better about myself and confident too! the paranoia has somewhat subsided and i'm trying to derieve faith on myself and my capacities... i know i have just two ways in dealing with my current stress, one i can mop and let fear overpower me.. or i can come to terms with it, be confident and face it, giving my best. i choose it do the latter. and boy! it feels like heaven being in control of my life.. and thanks surely goes to this one person who has really turned me around... thanks Mayank... you have been a great friend to me.. *Hugs* :)
Did you know that sleeping is a great thing to occupy yourself with, specially when your exams are on? try it! :D :P
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
I have been waiting for this time for almost the last three years.. a time when i will look forward to the second phase in my life. it is finally here, and to be honest i have been taken aback. often we anticipate for a thing to happen, but we are unaware of how the days and months go by, and the most anticipated thing stands there right in front of you. i don't know how many application forms i have filled, or drafts I've made or for that matter i have almost lost tract on last dates of application or declaration of admission test candidates etc. suddenly it seems all the walls are closing in, with study pressure at college, graduation exams and these entrances that have been scheduled in between my semester exams.. i know i sound repetitive but all this stress is just too much to handle.
This stress is really getting to me, for I'm not keeping well either, lack of sleep, perennial headache, and low BP; and the hot and humid weather isn't helping either. and guess what? i have a lot of mental and emotional stress to deal with, hmm yes some of it is my doing of course :) i never really believed in luck but then now i seem to think otherwise. take for example A [good for nothing, least interested in studies, irregular to college, class clown etc] applies to a place 1, and gets through, how? there are 50 seats and all the 45 people applying gets through, so he is now to move out of his home town to study there once college ends... now for B [enterprising but not polished, with bad English language skills] who applies in one of the premier institutions say 2, total seats 20 our of which 6 for general; 150 people are called for interview, and guess what?B gets in, because from this year seats have been increased to 100 and he was among those 100 to get through.. Just imagine!!
No its not envy, its plain fear that i feel at the moment. fear of not making through. to fail, for not being good enough. its haunting and it is one of the reasons why I'm having sleepless nights. i hardly have time these days to either sleep or prepare for my entrances. i will feel a whole lot guilty if after applying to so many places i don't even make it to even one, after all its dad who is funding me. i know i should not let stress of negativity to get to me; but then its hard to brush aside such thoughts, when all you hear in college, is who has got through where or where one is planning to go. there is so much i want to do but there is something that keeps pulling me back, maybe its just fear or apprehension. i just don't know what i will do if this totally backfires. i don't think i can forgive myself for not getting through the places i have been dreaming of ever since i was a kid. sigh!
don't mind me.. its just stress and exhaustion.all i need is some sleep and rest but then i hardly have the time :( !! somehow i just hope this phase goes by quickly and i too get to know what I'm destined for, good or bad; i just don't want to be suspended out of nowhere, not knowing where I'm headed, i think the wait is killing me... please! please! please god make my dreams come true!!
Monday, April 06, 2009
here is another test i took.. and the results are... if you too want to take it..click here...
ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.
here is another one... :)
Global Personality Test Results
|Stability (56%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. |
Orderliness (90%) very high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.
personality tests by similarminds.com
i have nothing much to say but i wanted to post.. i have 8 tests in the next 7 days... so i will be a little fickle...but don't abandon me please!! just sit back and enjoy, by the time i ll just take a teeny weeny study break!! :)
Saturday, April 04, 2009
What would most of us have done if Anurag Kashyap had'nt made the movie Dev.D? we would have lost of out on a nice catch line to express the emotional torture we have to bear, but of course in a semi desi way. OK that was the worse Pj of the century. but honestly, i know the term "emosonal attyachar" is now almost a cliche but then it is an apt expression to the hell I've been going through of late.
My college ends on 21st of April then i have 2 weeks of study leave, during which and after which i have not only my semesters [graduation exams] but also entrance exams to various colleges. As if having Tamil again after 3 semesters [i have forgotten almost all of what i had learnt previously] in our course was difficult to cope up with, we have study pressure to maintain our grades and GPA, and SGPA [don't you dare ask me the full forms.. okay i don't know myself! :X] and the entrances. the least thing i need is people emotionally blackmailing me and instead of encouraging me they discourage me and add to tension and fear i already have regarding my performance.
Everyone i know offers me free advice and career counselling... you know na that ghisa pitta dialogue.. akeli ladki khuli hue tijori ki tarah hai and all that jazz??!! its the same old thing.. why don't you pursue your PG here? what will you do anyway.. all you need is a masters degree in your kitty for that why do you have to waste so much money studying out of the city etc etc. Yes i know studying outside the city wont be a piece of cake, i know i have a lot of emotional baggage myself, for i just cant stay away from anything or anyone familiar, least of all without my niece or samik but if I'm willing to battle it out, because this is the last chance i will ever get to study what i want and to pursue my dream career and should'nt my loved ones try and encourage me at least? but no! they can just sit back and pass their judgements.. come on losers get a life!! I'm not born to stay in my well and turn out to be a typical housewife. be careful for what you wish for.. if i ever have to stay back, then trust me, i will suck so bad at the things you expect out of me, that you will wish you never wished me to stay in the first place. so look out!! or better still wish me luck and let me go...
Uncle. sister, niece, relatives and friends..all are the perpetrators of the torture im going through.. and the list could go on but what's really tough is to explain to my mother, its frustrating and irritating, not because of the generation gap but because despite being a woman herself she refuses to see things that a woman goes through. a woman's life is not limitless like the sky, and specially one who is committed. she does not have the liberties as much as a guy can enjoy, so if she must fulfill her dreams and ambitions she must do it before she is tied down in life and before the time runs out, because her options are lesser as compared to men. Is it so difficult for people who are near and dear to me, to let me go, for my happiness and betterment? all i ask is 2-3 years after which i know i will be tied down with responsibilities, till then, spare me the emosanal attyachar and wish me luck, because i know i deserve better than the hogwash i have been served lately.hmmph!!
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Now on to what happened today. i have never felt this overwhelmed and humbled like this before, by the end of the experience i could barely hold tears back, and i feel ungrateful and extremely selfish in life but before walking out of the place i made myself a promise, even if i can't do anything directly for the situation but i will try my best to value what i have and lead a more meaningful life.
I had an interview at an NGO today. this NGO provides education and upkeep of destitutes, orphans and mostly children of prostitutes. before you cringe and form opinions i'd entreat you to read what i have to tell you. Initially i too was very reluctant to apply and even go for the interview, because their main centre was amidst Kolkata's red light area, but on my sisters insistence and since she was supposed to accompany me i agreed. both of us walked the by lanes going deeper and deeper into a congested lane, shops lined either sides of the streets. people eyed the two of us, wondering where the two of us were heading in the locality of the ill repute. after a lot of asking, a prostitute herself helped my sister find the right lane which after several twists and turns lead us to an old house and then a narrow staircase took us up to a terrace and a grill gate on one side. we opened the gate and walked in. [till this point, i knew i would say no to the offer because traveling to that locality everyday was something i knew i could never do, but if they transferred me to their other branch, which is somewhat near home, i knew i could still do it.]
the sight that greeted us took me aback somewhat. on a carpet, lay 20-30 odd children all asleep, and the happy smiles on their face showed just how peaceful they were and happy being there. down the hall we went into the administration office where we had to wait for almost two hours till the lady in charge walked in. those two hours i met some of my sisters students, who study in the same school as the one my sister teaches in. once they woke up and noticed my sister they came running, and in moments i lost tract of my sister amidst hugs and kisses and constant chattering. as we sat there we saw what the children's routine was like, after napping they woke up to a glass of warm milk and biscuits and then after playing a while they got down to their books. they seemed like any normal kid running and playing around but it is their smiles that set them apart from any other kid, because they were the brightest and the happiest. what i heard about their backgrounds later, left me stunned, aghast and totally overwhelmed.
yes i got the job, and thankfully i will be teaching in their different branch which is situated in a better locality and it was just the thing i wanted. but when i walked out of the NGO office, what the lady in charge had to say, rang in my ears. most of the children of were brought up in the NGO was rescued from their homes in the locality, their mothers were prostitutes, most were alcoholics and subjected their children to abuse both verbal, physical and sexual. if you are shuddering already dont, more to come. i met this girl whom i so liked, her name was kajal. kajal was the eldest of the three kids,age 10 she was a surrogate mother to her younger siblings, while her mother was with clients locked up in their house she used to baby sit her siblings and was often subjected to molestation by her mothers clients and people from the locality. there was this guy, Rakesh whose mother woke up at 11 and barely managed to get him ready or get him food, and abused him badly both physically and sexually until he was rescued and incidentally he comes first in his form. Little akash aged 6 has a broken arm because of his drunken mother; all their children had one thing in common, the identity of their fathers is not known.
so much happening in their lives, so many scars that has almost taken away their innocence; but then how do they smile, how do they try harder and harder each time to be a better human being? how people like us scorn such women and their bastard children but then there are people among us who step in front and give a helping hand. what i simply loved was there were many, relatively young people who work for and towards these children, and they do so without any restraints. and these children having got a glimmer of hope in the dark alleys and glitter curtains, smell of stale sex and alcohol; they try and bring themselves up and help those who help them be a better human being. despite seeing their mothers being decked up each evening for a new man, a new client, someone who is not their father, mothers who hardly act like one instead sell themselves to sustain to survive; these children haven't lost their smiles or the hope that they too can lead a life like any other children. the optimism and the will to survive made me feel so humble and yet so ungrateful, i remembered just how i crib for the tough life i lead, studies, students, admissions, college, job etc etc but this time i knew how futile and silly my problems are, that their are greater issues in life, just because they are camourflaged in the darkest corner of the society doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
another thing that really struck me was, while we were lost and trying to find our way, my sister called out to this lady "Didi can you please direct me to Night Light?" the lady looked up startled at being addressed "Didi", she was a prostitute getting ready for the evening, she didnt react to it but the smile she gave my sister was one that was grateful and full of respect. why do we forget that these ladies are women too. why do we forget that these women are at times under compulsion to self themselves to strangers each night year after year?? why do we use the word "prostitute" as a slur to abuse someone we dislike? aren't they humans too? who gave us the right to judge them and categorize them as fallen women, and as an outcast?
As we walked out of the dingy lane, retracing our steps from where we had entered almost 3 hours earlier, we saw a bevy of beautiful ladies, young and really pretty, giggling away trying to prepare themselves for the evening, while the so called 'dignified' and 'refined' ladies walked by giving them dirty glances and the men caste their lustful eyes, eyeing them in the sleaziest way; i turned away and started walking ahead, tears brimmed my eyes and i silently brushed them aside. in the brightness of the so called civilized society exist at its core, a dark dark world, in the din of laughter and cheerful banter, agonized moans and heart wrenching cries are muted, muted by circumstances, by compulsion, by need and survival.