Wednesday, April 08, 2009
I have been waiting for this time for almost the last three years.. a time when i will look forward to the second phase in my life. it is finally here, and to be honest i have been taken aback. often we anticipate for a thing to happen, but we are unaware of how the days and months go by, and the most anticipated thing stands there right in front of you. i don't know how many application forms i have filled, or drafts I've made or for that matter i have almost lost tract on last dates of application or declaration of admission test candidates etc. suddenly it seems all the walls are closing in, with study pressure at college, graduation exams and these entrances that have been scheduled in between my semester exams.. i know i sound repetitive but all this stress is just too much to handle.
This stress is really getting to me, for I'm not keeping well either, lack of sleep, perennial headache, and low BP; and the hot and humid weather isn't helping either. and guess what? i have a lot of mental and emotional stress to deal with, hmm yes some of it is my doing of course :) i never really believed in luck but then now i seem to think otherwise. take for example A [good for nothing, least interested in studies, irregular to college, class clown etc] applies to a place 1, and gets through, how? there are 50 seats and all the 45 people applying gets through, so he is now to move out of his home town to study there once college ends... now for B [enterprising but not polished, with bad English language skills] who applies in one of the premier institutions say 2, total seats 20 our of which 6 for general; 150 people are called for interview, and guess what?B gets in, because from this year seats have been increased to 100 and he was among those 100 to get through.. Just imagine!!
No its not envy, its plain fear that i feel at the moment. fear of not making through. to fail, for not being good enough. its haunting and it is one of the reasons why I'm having sleepless nights. i hardly have time these days to either sleep or prepare for my entrances. i will feel a whole lot guilty if after applying to so many places i don't even make it to even one, after all its dad who is funding me. i know i should not let stress of negativity to get to me; but then its hard to brush aside such thoughts, when all you hear in college, is who has got through where or where one is planning to go. there is so much i want to do but there is something that keeps pulling me back, maybe its just fear or apprehension. i just don't know what i will do if this totally backfires. i don't think i can forgive myself for not getting through the places i have been dreaming of ever since i was a kid. sigh!
don't mind me.. its just stress and exhaustion.all i need is some sleep and rest but then i hardly have the time :( !! somehow i just hope this phase goes by quickly and i too get to know what I'm destined for, good or bad; i just don't want to be suspended out of nowhere, not knowing where I'm headed, i think the wait is killing me... please! please! please god make my dreams come true!!