Monday, May 25, 2009

Introspection

Kolkata experienced the beginning of the monsoons with the cyclone ‘aila’ yeah right that’s precicely what most of us felt like when the news greeted us first thing in the morning. It was a destructively beautiful day, with strong gusts of wind stormed through the entire house, windows slammed and ambience was punctuated with regular breaking of glass and yells. It was an ominously exciting experience. When i went out in the late afternoon despite the warnings from Met department what i saw struck me with awe, destruction reigned, trees uprooted, people were dead and yet life seemed to go one even when the rains poured relentlessly. And how symbolic it was it reflected the storm that raged within me. Someone who loves the rain, these few days will be all that I will ever be able to experience from now on.

Preparations are on at home, with lists made and all, there is a strange finality in the air. Like ma exclaims, that she feels like she is marrying me off forever, and in a way it is so true. Once I leave chances of coming back to the city is so remote that I am rather unnerved by it all. Yes this is a dream of a lifetime, I wont back down or give it up but I know it is feat that would squeeze everything out me, it scares me. I have never stayed away from home for a long period of time and everytime I am away from familiar things I feel life go out of me. I know you will tell me it is a phase it will pass and I will settle down, and that people before me have done it and people after me will do it. I know, but it doesn’t make my ordeal any less. Even though such apprehensions reign my heart, I am a picture of poise and calm, my mind is as strong as steel.

 It is funny how, when you reach a socially agreeable position in life, there are people who flock you, who appreciate you and would do anything to gain favour with you. I saw this first hand with not just my peers but with others who earlier wouldn’t care much about me. Truly all my patience and tolerance of social anomaly has paid of. There was a time when a word said by me was slighted and was never believed, but today since all my words have come true I am in vogue, the most sought after.

 Is it wrong that after all the anguish I have gone through, I am happy that I want to for once live my life for myself? And give less priority to those who have slighted me before?

 I surprise myself each time, with the strength I feel within me and the conviction with which I deal with him. Last few months has been especially harsh on me. I was full of bitterness and anger. I have desired acceptance, I have craved love from people who have just insulted and humiliated me and I could do nothing to put an end to it. I had just tried to be patient and bear it all up in hope for my time to come and it has. Now I don’t want to be appreciated or accepted by them, I don’t need them around anymore. In a month and half I will be far far away from them, creating a life for myself one that is befitting me and one that I deserve, with them not being around to cast a shadow of misgivings on my life. I have endured much but not anymore.

 Is it wrong NOT to believe someone who repeatedly professes his feelings to you and makes tall promises but never ever fulfils them?

 I don’t like to hurt anyone. It does not bring me joy if I refuse a person for anything. But I am incapable to give my all, vanquishing the ‘I’ over ‘you’ that I had always done before. I am tired of believing and then being duped. I am tired of my thoughts being repeatedly raped and my emotions being molested time and again. For once I want to think of me, my future, my happiness, to see what life has in store for me. For once I want to challenge myself to move beyond known territory and make a mark for myself. I have so much I am indebted to, my folks who are doing their utmost to ensure that my dreams become a reality, this is the least I can do for them. I owe this to myself and to the hardwork I have put in.

In a way I am thankful to this opportunity. Had this opportunity never come my way, I would have never known the wealth of feelings people have for me and just how important they too are for me. My students face dissolving into tears made me believe again that love is really one feeling that creeps into our hearts without us being aware of it. Maybe once I am gone, people who have never really understood my worth all this while will finally wake up to reality.  Just the thought of leaving fills me with a fear of the unknown but I know I am not going to bow down to it, for I am destined for a greater role… 

27 comments:

ANWESA said...

ur work has paid off finally.u kno,ur too sweet even wen ur in "harshest" period of ur life.
its our 5th month anniversary 2de!
lotsa luv.things ll b beautiful,dun worry..keep smiling..

Phoenix said...

@anwesa

really is it? happy anniversary mr bind :)

*hugs*

Arv said...

Wish you the very best mate :)

Love the monsoon... hope to be back in chennai by the time it hits the southern states :)

take care mate... cheers...

Pesto Sauce said...

Saw pics of the storm in Calcutta on TV; really sad

Don't get so bitter about life...my life, my folks too nearly same story, but now realised being bitter is actually no good

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

You know you are great. You know you want it. And Self Doubt is bad. Keep repeating all that you said, and you will start believing it. You will feel good about it all. :)

Take Care and All the Best for the change. Hope you get the best and accept the change easily.

Kisses.

ANWESA said...

just commit this to memory:
we met on 25th dec,'08.

The Pink Orchid said...

tu to sab jaanti hai Raka.. :D cool stuff! motivation is flowing.. touchwood!

Priya Joyce said...

life is full of dilemmas and choices..all..depends on wat we choose...
so I think as u've succeded in what u decided....with al ur hard work.just conc on tat re sab apne aap line pe aa jayega :)

Keshi said...

Strong post, I liked it girl.


**Is it wrong that after all the anguish I have gone through, I am happy that I want to for once live my life for myself? And give less priority to those who have slighted me before?

no it's not wrong at all. It's best that one lives for themselves but I always try to be good to even those who hurt me in the past. For there has to be a difference between you and them :)

Good luck luv!

Keshi.

Ria said...

Good luck sweets!!i m sure u will do fine at Bangalore. But i guess ur parents apprehension is justified. They must b worried as hell. But it will only settle once u go there and start doing fine!! Which i m sure u'll.

PULKIT said...

there were questions...
there were answers....
both came from within u!
:)
ur strong person and a very honest writer!

Arnab Majumdar said...

I'm quite sure you can handle the storms quite well... the one in Kolkata, as well as the one inside your mind. You're quite a strong person, with a clear head... what more do you need to get things done? :)

Wishing you all the luck for the future... don't forget to blog though. Cheers...

Cяystal said...

I hope the things get okay in Kolkatta..cos I have to visit it ..:(
Monsoon's are supercool..please send some rains to North too yar!

Aw.S.M said...

Oye...na na..no second thoughts...u r doing the RIGHT thing. U ve worked extremely hard to reach where u ve reached and the next step is going to be the most important and also the most fulfilling one u r ever going to take.

Toh forget what u leave behind coz what is in front of u is UR opportunity, ur dream - a dream u ve dreamt all ur life.

And as far ur second question goes, u know my views on em already :).

So right now its time for the phoenix to SOAR. :)

luv
amith

Chriz said...

last year same time we became blog buddies

:)

vanilla sky said...

I can understand the excitement and anxiousness you are going through!
Don't think so much about past and people, all's well that ends well.And as the saying goes,it doesnt matter who laughs all the way , it only matters who has the last laugh.
Do your packing well!

Lena said...

Sometimes its good to be a bit selfish.. you live your life for yourself not for someone.. dont think too much, do what you believe is right and everything will be ok :)


take care, girl :)

lovely template! :)




The Colors Magazine

AD said...

all i ll do is hug y ou :D

Hemanth Potluri said...

Good luck sweetu :)...and yeah the rains were a disaster i saw it on the tv....all the best for u in bangalore :)..

urs..hemu..

Harshita said...

Everythingz gonna be alrite.

joiedevivre said...

season are sometimes destructive..
take care

Tara said...

Sometimes it makes sense to stick to what we think is right, and not care for the world. To have that conviction that our skies will be blue again one day, and I am glad that a beautiful life lies ahead for you! :) Like it goes "Success has many fathers while failure is an orphan", may be this experience will help you know who really loves you. God bless you always. :)

comfortably numb said...

Aila was destructive:(
this was a very heartfelt post...loved it immensely:)
thought of gng away 4m this place gvs me the jitters fact tht u r actually gng away must be an experience but then life I suppose is all about a journey..travel it RAKA:)

Congoz 4 IIJNM..u rok:)

Amal Bose said...

sometimes you need to be blind to know the importance of eyes..
dont think abt those unworthy souls.. u focus on building a better life for yourself..
take care..

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Had been hearing alot about kolkatta storms from a frnd....:) atlast they are there to cool down you guys...

For both the questions my answers is " Not wrong at all".. Infact they should understand it very well about their mistakes and they should set their priorities straight before posing such dimbo questions in front of you...

Cheers

Standbymind said...

Ya..been hearing about kolkatta.

And i dont think its wrong at all!

little boxes said...

just remember to take your keys along whenever u go...and you'll be fine in the new city :)
btw where n why are you going away?