Thursday, August 06, 2009

Lonely


This is going to be a long sentimental post so if you are not in a mood to read a rant or be sensitive to my woes then id warn you to keep off...

I have had a certain someone tell me that i am selfish and i think only about myself as i am too careeristic, enough not to think of anyone but me. it has been more than 2 days since i was told this and it has still not left me. yes there was hurt and immense anguish and somewhere i tried to evaluate myself. today, thankfully is the only day we don't have an assignment in college. so since i was free i tried to steal sometime alone. now if you are in a hostel that too in a secluded place there are hardly anytime alone, for where ever you go you always bump into someone or the other.


i am in Bangalore, a place where hopefully all my childhood dreams will be realized. i am miles and miles away from home. where despite feeling homesick i can never even think of home because i am reminded of the cost at which i am where i am, and i can never burden my folks with my tales of missing home...I'm loving what i am doing now...though the work pressure is immense...i often feel challenged to come up with a better story idea, to perform my best all the time... and it is not only because it has been my dream, but because there are so many responsibilities on me. my parents who have allowed me to make my dreams come true.. and my dreams comes with a hefty sum of money for which i have to be responsible..moreover if i screw up... all those people who have underestimated me wins and i cant afford that.


it is sad when people don't know and don't try and understand you. but it is even sadder when people know and say they understand when they don't. the person who told me i am selfish does not know he is talking about, despite knowing me so well. here i am scared shit of being in a city i know nothing of, at all. i try and learn my way each time i am left alone in the city trying to rack my brains for a story idea which is not only worth reporting but which will be somewhat better than the rest. the pressure of outdoing myself, to perform my given task, to be innovative and to meet deadlines is too stressful for words, there are days when we go without much sleep, and the semester has not even started and they say this is just the beginning.


Each evening as the classes end and we take a breather for a few minutes before doing our assignments i steal sometime alone in nooks and crevices of deserted part of college so that i can be alone.it is there in my own little hideout where i look out into the horizon, where the sun sets far away, the wind ruffles my hair and all i can hear is the breeze swishing past and everywhere i look, all i see is miles and miles of greenery and not a soul in sight. one who says i only think of myself and nothing else, doesn't know how hard it is to be in a new place and not having a soul she is close to. where despite being in a crowd she is lonely. where not a soul understands her nor do they try and do so. where there is hardly someone she can talk, share and be herself with. where every time one takes a spoonful of food into her mouth, tears threaten to spill with the taste and quality of food. where the beds are too narrow for comfort. where every time you open your eyes into the night, you do so because either some one's phone is ringing or some one's alarm just went off and she is sleeping through it, or someone is just going bonkers and creating a racket. he who makes such comments has always lived in the comforts of home and does not know how hard it is to share a room with five other strangers trying to adjust. he surely doesn't know how fatiguing it is to do 9am-5pm classes, then assignments and then come home do the chores and yet wake up next morning at the crack of dawn without complaining to prepare herself for the news quiz....... he surely has no idea what it feels like lying in the bed sick with no-one to talk to, no one who can take care of her, or even offer her water to drink.


I feel homesick but i am trying to adjust to keep a smile on my face, not just because this is the life i want but because i can never quit because too many people, and their happiness and future depends on what i do and not just my life. i can quit breaking down under tremendous stress but i can never do it because i have too many people pinning their hopes on me, and too many people who expect me to fail...my life is no longer just mine.. it has never been so.... its utterly painful when people don't make an attempt to read between the lines, or to hear the unspoken words. and it hurts even more when someone you love is the same one who refuses to understand you, despite the trillions of things you do for him, despite the kind of hectic life you lead..

25 comments:

Rahil said...

Go out and yell out "i will make my parents proud of me.."

Ur honesty and simplicity is clearly reflected in your posts..

And about loneliness, i too had the same issues in the beginning of college life..but i thank god i found some special frnds..hope u to find so,..

god bless ya.

numerounity said...

Chill out...tough times do not last but tough ppl do!

aqua gurl said...

very honestly written, heartfelt!

parzi said...

phoenix...I know difficult it must be to deal with the work pressure,a new environment,new people..when you are all homesick and the person you expect to understand fails to give you the comfort you had expected!
just want to say...you are a strong girl..and everything is just happening too fast..wait for a while dear everything will settle down...don't worry at all..u just do what u r there for...God will take care of the rest..so plzzzz cheerup!
all the very best for ur upcoming days!
hope u find ur smile soon!
take care!

Lena said...

there will be always people who would understand you... stick to them.. and you know sometimes it is better to be alone then compromise with people who really dont know you. Dont pay attention, just be who you are and keep going :)
Good luck!

Yellow Tulip said...

dont worry babes...new place new environment hmmm give some time for yourself....everythin will surely be fine...:)..all the very best..i'm sure u'll do jus well:)...take care

J said...

I keep reading your posts on and off, but this one compels me to put in my two cents. Your comment box screams, 'so.. what do you think' this is what I think.

I can relate to the 'not let the folks know' cos of the efforts it took from them. On the same note, life ain't easy for everyone.. anyone for that matter. It's how we deal with it that changes things, the results. Being away from home can be hard, but believe me it builds your confidence. Some pain here will go a long way. And lastly, never let anyone get to you, instead channel that into something productive and you'd be amazed at the results.

And moments of seclusion.. trust me, someday you'll look back and laugh at it.

P.S: Nice and soothing song collection on your blog. That's one of the reasons i'm writing down this comment as I listen to the song ;)

J said...

Whooppss.. ignore the PS. That was another website :P

Reality Check said...

I think that the person that said that to you was selfish to be frank. YOU are a person that is taking the world on trying to do what it is that you want to do and have dreamed of doing. There is nothing wrong with that at all..

I am proud of you because you are going what everything.. You take your much needed time, I just think that that person is missing you and did not know how to say it at that time... hopefully he will come up with another way..

I am lonely also.. Going to Cali alone and I guess I am selfish also because I am going all out for what I want. A great career and someone to love me despite my selfishness...

Love you girl!!
(((((RAKA))))

Hannah

Hopeless Romantic said...

starting a new life out of home is always tough, don't give up! not just for the sake of your parents, but also for your sake, you have dreamed about it for long!

All the best, relax, don't think too much and do well!

Amit

Arv said...

the first trip away trip from home in a strange city is always challenging...

its tough but I know that you will see this through...

hang in there da :)

Ki said...

Listen sweetheart, when it comes to you and your career, it's okay to make a few tough choices. You're doing it for you and you're bearing up with so much to fulfill that dream anyway.
So don't let anyone get you down, no matter who it is.

Americanising Desi said...

people are just people and theyw ill never make an effort to read between the lines.

really... unless they are accustomed to the beats of ur heart. never!

hugs!

but we understand :)

Ria said...

Dont feel bogged down by the expectations that ppl have from u coz right now the only person that u r answerable to is u urself! u need not explain urself to anybody. I know who u r talking abt here, and i know its hard to ignore such comments...but u cant let this come in ur way to achieve ur dreams that u hav nurtured from such a long time. So have faith in urself and u will come out with flying colors. :)

Akshat said...

Hey Di...

Don't be so down sis....I'm feeling sad now!! :(

Yaar why do you let these thing get to you....the guy obviously does not know whats he is blabbering..

Even if you are careeristic..whats the harm???....It just proves that you are driven towards your goal!!...Passion is not a crime......and you are not selfish.. Do you think my sis can be selfish??

And don't feel so lonely....whenever you need to talk just come to blogville!! (and talk to me!! I wont be much help :P)

And one thing you ROCK!!! :D :P

LOve you hamesha...

Take Care.....and smile that would make everyone curious!! :)

Gymnast said...

Hey ,

I am an architecture student too and there's always been a lot of pressure on me as well to be creative and outdo people.

And yes, i've been called selfish a million times too.

People are entitled to have opinions. You say the person who called you so does not really know you or understand you.

Is he that imporatant to you that you should waste your precious time and energy lamenting on his one remark which probably he wouldnt have even given a secong thought to?

Is his words really a priority? Is he so important?

I dont know you , but your writing is so clear and open that i feel that u surely are a good person.

Cheer up , world is not so bad.

Harshita said...

Sab theek ho jayega...

Bas thoda time lagega...tab tak hang in there...

And ofcourse, see so many ppl in the blogworld love u too... so they will always encourage u...

:)You always say naa.. u have good frenz in Anwesa,Richa,mayank n Nikhil in ur posts... bas toh jab itney log pyaar kartey hain... toh tera koi kuch nahi bigaad sakta...

No matter if they call u selfish... just keep moving towards ur goal... :)

All the best.

readersdais said...

ur parent are really blessed to have a child like you,and definitely u have the mettle to rise to their hopes,all the best to u for ur future

ANWESA said...

babes....this "he" is definitely gone kiddy.

no further comments....
lotsa hugs n kisses 2 make u feel better :)

Aki said...

umm I guess saying that i knw exactly how you feel would be a lil too much, but believe me hostel life can be worse.Theres probably more to come ( which I sincerely hope not) but dear this is exactly the time to which you will look back one day and realize as one of the best part of your life.
None of my reasons now will look sensible enuf but yes this will happen.
your friend calling u selfish and then reading all the above comments I just want to add one question - is he feeling left alone?

ask this question dear, you will probably get ur answer for his
behavior.

comfortably numb said...

chuck dose opinions yaar!!!
easier said than done I know n yet try karo.
be safe n take care:)

Pranav Kumar V said...

and yet, somehow life goes on... :D

aur kya kahoon??!! Take care and enjoy those sunsets!! :)

See you when I see you... :D

Aki said...

Hi,

Umm I think u should look at this if u have a lil time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc

it helped me a lot in same situation as u are, dont ask me how but i just think it will help u too.

Sonya said...

Sweets I totally understand what you're going through. I too changed place recently and it's taken an awful lot of adjustment. I feel so hopeless somedays that doing even the slightest bit of anything seems like a chore. I really don't know what to write in order to make you feel better, but all the condolence and I can give you is that latch onto something on your past that you truly cherish. I did that, and it helped! Also, don't bother too much about the people who 'expect you to fail'. This is your life, after all! You have EVERY RIGHT to fail at times, and come up at top on other days!!!! The more you stress, the harder it'll become.

I don't know you at all, but I wish you all the happiness and friendship in life!

XOXO Sonya

Benny said...

Hey felt so much readin this post! I can empathize with u and at this moment I can jus wish n pray for a better tomorrow!