Thursday, December 31, 2009

Chalo let's go..

"Jani phuriye jabey jani..amader ai chelebelay
tobu ankre dhorey rekho tumi tomar joubon..
tobu hoy toh theke jabey amader gaan taniya"
i know someday our youth will diminish...yet cling to those times, maybe someday our song will remain taniya..
I had gone away with pain and anger seething in my heart. i could never really forget or forgive the episode. i nurtured the pain in me for almost a year now. but this time not anymore, i let go of it all. with a new year, i embrace newer challenges, newer opportunities; i will think not of what has happened but of what can happen. the pain is just too much to bear and carry forward and i refuse to crave for acceptance, of being validated. I've been craving for it too long and after a year of it, i don't think it is worth it, i don't think they are worth it either. i am who i am, and i refuse to bow my head and take on humiliation and insult dished out to me. Every human being deserves respect and right to be the way they are, and if to get acceptance and recognition you need to alter yourself, put the things that made you the person who are; then i don't crave for it at all. i know if i don't forgive Them and move on i can never really be me. i need to tell myself i don't need Them to tell me i exist for me to really exist. i can manage just being me, i have trodden alone and if need be i can do so without assistance. but i will have no more of a life, where i cant walk tall.for it, if i have to let go of my claim to something i hold dear, i will but no more of humiliation and pain. a new year warrants a new beginning and i deserve respect. i wont languish in pain but move ahead leaving behind the pain of the past. i let go.. i forgive Them..
"onek jontronao jabey phuriye akdin
kotoo bharakranto mon jabey juriyebakdin
keu hothat shanti khujey abey kuriye akdin..
jotoi akre thaki somoy..hather mutho khuley jitey hobey akdin.. "
A lot of pain will get over one day...burdened mind will be eased one day..peace will be found one day...time..however much we cling to has to open their fist someday and let it all go..time...
P.S- Lyrics are from a movie called Madly of my fav's
Wishing you all..
Happy and Prosperous New year!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Secret 7

I saw this post on Dhanya's profile where she was tagged to reveal 7 secrets of hers... since i don't have anything substantial to add to my blog at the moment [lol! like i have otherwise too! :P] so i decided to do this on my blog too!

1. i am a sucker for romantic movies.i never get tired of watching same things over and over again. however much i hate to admit it, i get all senti while watching them and i even shed a tear or two...:) its needless to say it does something to my emotional equilibrium.. and if I'm watching such movies in hostel then it brings a sense of loss or vacuum in me... : ( :P

2. I'm emotionally very cold. I'm not very openly affectionate types. saying 'i love you' or cuddling doesn't come easy to me. I'm better than before but i have a long way to go before i can express myself better!

3.i slip into depression or i loose confidence in myself often. it takes colossal effort on my part to feel optimistic enough to move on.

4. I'm quite opposite to what i seem. i may appear confident and composed.. but actually I'm quite a freak inside. i tend to bottle my emotions, i hate to cry or let people see me cry. and every day is a challenge for me to go and get what i want.

5. i may not be outwardly religious types, but i have immense faith in God. everyday is a prayer for me, and i have great dependency on prayers.

6.i hate changes. i resist them with all my might. it unnerves me. it makes me an uptight person who loves to be in control of everything in her life.

7.i always store chocolate wrappers, cars, letters etc, never throw anything that is given to me.. :) for me these are of sentimental value..

Sunday, December 27, 2009

This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly i always said blogging keeps me alive and i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...