Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!

 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Counting My Many Blessings

Christmas is a time when you count your many blessings, that brightened your year. This year has been one steap ride but there has been things to be thankful for. Here are the few people I'm extremely blessed with and thankful for.

Mom and Dad: I took a decision in life which came as a shock to near and dear ones. What mattered most is how my parents would react to it all. They have stood by me, understood me and more than which they have supported me in one of the most difficult phases in my life. I'm totally thankful for.

Saroo: He has been my first colleague, a mentor, a friend and now he is simple indispensable to me. Life brought him to me when I was beginning a very crucial phase of my life. Life was falling apart, professional life had just started and more than which for the first time I was on my own; he was just there. Love is hardly a word I feel for him, today he means the world to me. I'm grateful for whatever time I got with him and I know this is for a lifetime.

Vaidu: Well what can I say, she is always the first to know when things go wrong. She is blunt, she is caring and she is always there, relentlessly. She is a friend I love and also I am scared of. She has guided me through some of the toughest times of my life. I really value her to death! 

Ipsy & Shubhankar: They are what you call as true friends. They may not be around all the time, there are times when we dont message, we dont talk for months, we live life as if we dont exist but when I needed to make sense to the world, when I knew the world would never understand me, they never batted an eyelid when I told them the one thing that changed me life forever. Not once did they judge me, but only said "I am there for you!" Love you guys!!

Yes last 6 months has been a roller coaster.. with some bad experiences balanced out with the good ones..memories are... well all I have and if anything I think it keeps me going!! :) I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!! And Hey! Dont forget to count the people who made a difference to your life, because loved ones are worth it!! :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Its better to be alone and lonely than be with people
and still feel the same
You will never betray yourself, You will never let yourself down
The world will not understand you
But You will always will. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

You ignite the fire in me
The desire to take on the world
To fight against all odds
To smile at adversity
That is our reality

You fill me with so much love
That I know I can survive
The world is still a better place to live
That love is not lost
I can because you want me to

You instill a sense of pride
I know I am worth it
That world will judge me
But I will still be me
Because I know I am loved by you.

You have become the reason
Why I smile
Let the tears dry
Let my heart feel alive
Life is beautiful
Because I know I'm loved by you.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Your thoughts

I feel a sense of love.
Of belonging
Take over…
I feel you near

Yours is the last thought
That adorns my lashes before
I drift off to sleep
Yours is the thought
That brightens my day
Nothing seems dull anymore

Loneliness envelopes me
Solitude my steady companion
But never for once does your thoughts
Bring with it regrets
Life will never be the same
Without you
For we were always
Destined to live life apart.

But it does not bother the heart
For it knows that you are
Safely cocooned in my thoughts
Buried in the very existence of my being
It is there, you are mine
Mine alone.

I have made peace with the god
Who cannot grant me you
I know that no matter what
You are there
Its as if I can feel you near
I close my eyes to find you here
Hugging me close
Whispering sweet nothings
Life seems a bliss
As tears bring with it
A jolt back to reality

Reality is that we were never meant to be
The love that we still share
Can never be granted
The bonds can never last
Letting go I will have to someday
Not now…

Memories are all that I have
Memories are all I can ever have
In my memories you are mine
Mine alone
And memories will last me a lifetime…

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Of Memories of Bygone Times...

I sip coffee from the same mug
That would kiss your lips once
I let my mind take me away
To a lost time …
A time when every morning was
Filled with laughter and so much love
That unhappiness was forgotten
Reality lurked in the shadows
Seeking an apt moment to strike
We lived like there was no tomorrow..
Tomorrow lay shrouded in oblivion
Then it happened
Just the way we knew it would.

Then why does the heart not relent,
Hurting, pining for You
Despite knowing the consequences
Why does the pain magnify with each passing day!
Despite knowing that the end is inevitable
Why do I surrender to the torture of today?
The heart bleeds,
But it loves some more, each day!

Some star crossed lovers we were,
Instead of promising a lifetime of togetherness
We prepared each other for a lifetime of solitude
A life that could and would never have ‘us’
A life that would be barren,
Without the loving touches
Without loved one to wake up to
A life that would be devoid of
Smiles and the laughter that was ours.
Ours alone…
Devoid of your hands
Laced into mine..
Your smell clinging to my skin
Your touches branding me.

I knew it would be like
How it is now.
But the tears run down, incessantly
When the guard is down
And loneliness creeps in.
The heart longs for you
Just a glimpse of that smile
That caresses your lips
The twinkle in your eyes
As your face lightens up.
Those days are long since gone
Like you had warned me
It would
But the longing remains rampant
Memories of 'us' my only companion.