Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!
A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.