Saturday, December 31, 2011

This Year That Was...

Keeping my tradition of writing "This year that was", I write down the events that made me, broke me, scarred me and I believe made me stronger.



For the first time since I left college, I felt I was living a life I had always dreamed of professionally. I felt strong independent and I was surrounded by friends with whom I connected like a dream. I laughed, I drank galleons of coffee, made CCD richer, laughed some more and felt the pain of loving someone tearing me apart. I traveled a lot, wrote passionately, read avidly, missed tremendously, loved fiercely, lived resiliently. Until my perfect world came crashing down, panic, fear and longing for the loved one made me uproot myself, from friends, from a place which was my second home. The moment I reached this new place which has took me in readily, I knew the mistake I had committed but then there was no turning back.. The more I struggled.. more I was sucked into the quicksand and since then I have never really managed to make my way out.



Highlights

I know there are a million things gone bad this year but there were a few things that made me feel happy and made me smile and I'd rather recount the many blessings.
  • I found an amazing friend in my colleague Sreeranjini. People at work tried to separate us, played petty politics but we stuck it through and when it was time for me to go, I guess I realized just how close we had become over the months and those millions mugs of coffee we drank till it became an addiction.
  • Srimoyee- She is one of my best friends. We know each other since the first day of school in KG. We have always been close friends, but this year we both found solace in each other, gave strength to each other and together we fought out our battles, tried hard to stay afloat, encouraged each other and kept fighting as depression and ill-luck tried to pull us down.
  • My brother (cousin) got married. His marriage brought the entire family close and I came closer to the brother whom I have always loved dearly but family strife always kept us away. My sis in law kinda cemented our bond and kept us closer.
  • My niece (Roshni) became my close friend. She was and will always be my baby but somewhere she had grown up and took up her place as a friend, where she would ask, admonish and be there for me just like my friends would. Of course the child in her would surface every time she would find out that I have been out without her and having fun irrespective of the fact that I am several thousand miles away from her. I am still her territory whom she is unwilling to share with anyone.
  • Vaidehi- she understood, supported, scolded and knocked some sense in me each time I was under the weather. Though we could manage to meet up this year, the longing to meet has kept us together. Been almost a year and a half since we left college but the bond just got stronger in time.
  • Shubhankar- He is my lodestar. Words cannot summarize just what he means to me. He has, he is and will always remain the one person I can run to when the world comes crashing down. My rock, my friend and my guide, he is indispensable!!
Lessons
  • No one in life is perfect. Perfection is a myth. It is important to grow out of childhood notions of perfect love, perfect love of life, perfect relationship or face the consequences of it when it breaks.
  •  Its good to be impulsive if you are responsible enough to deal with whatever happens as a consequence.
  • There are some relationships which you must let go, no matter how much you love or try once the trust is lost there is no point in struggling to keep things going. It may not be easy but it is the only way.
  • Give your love wholeheartedly but be prepared to have your heart broken.
  • There will not be a soul when you need some comforting, if you are lucky then the loved ones are there. It does not make them bad people but humans. So be self sufficient and face the problem.
  • The best things about you is YOU
Hopes and prayers for the New Year

  • More strength to deal with whatever comes my way
  • To allow the head to rule over the heart
  • To have the life I have always wanted
  • To stand up for myself and do the right thing
  • To let go and start afresh
Wishing you a very Happy New Year! May this year bring you lots of happiness, love and prosperity galore!! 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

5 Enjoyable Reads of 2011

I am not too picky when it comes to books, I'm just a tad bit partial when it comes to light fiction and something that is easy to read and is enjoyable. Listed below are the top 5 books I loved reading


  1.  Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas by Madhuri Banerjee- A simple coming of age story of a 30 year old lady who finds love at unlikeliest of people, the struggle to stay afloat and the discover of self. Simple and lucid the book was a treat to read.
  2. The Zoya Factor byAnuja Chauhan- Its about how a girl and her so called luck affected Team India and a country which strongly believes in superstitions and on the backdrop is the mad frenzy of a nation obsessed with winning the World Cup. Funny and enjoyable really worth a buy.
  3. The Dork series by Siddin Vadukut- About a quirky genius called Robin "Einstein" Varghese and the travels and tales of his life from a crazy but 'his' perspective.
  4. The time of my life by Cecelia Adhern-  its a simple yet endearing story about the protagonist learning to come to terms with her Life and going past her obstacles to finally live life. It's a beautiful read to say the least and the best part is it teaches a lesson or two without being preachy.
  5. Calcutta Exile by Bunny Suraiya- Bunny Suraiya's 'Calcutta Exile' evokes a bygone era of one of the most vibrant cities called Calcutta. Tracing the lives of one Anglo-Indian family in Calcutta of the 1950s, the Ryans, it paints a closely observed picture of a fast-vanishing culture. 
Other titles that I have read is In(eligible) Bachelors, Half a face by Nonda Chatterjee, Eat Pray and Love, You were my crush untill you said you loved me, No deadlines for love, Campus Cola, The Thorn Birds and scores of other titles which I am now finding it hard to recall.

Do suggest something good to read for me.

Happy Reading!!

    Sunday, December 25, 2011

    Of you and me

    Sometimes I wonder
    If words are enough
    If tears truly express
    The anguish within

    Sometimes I wonder
    If life gives you another chance
    If you reach out
    Risking your heart

    Sometimes I wonder
    At the invisible bonds
    That binds us close
    Keeping us together

    Sometimes I reason
    That the feelings are just a phase
    I suppress the desire
    To reach out and feel you close

    Sometimes just sometimes
    I wish our insecurities, our anguish
    Heals and a new dawn breaks
    And I wake up in your arms

    Maybe sometime this too
    Shall be true
    That I will wake up to a new day
    That has you and me together again

    Friday, December 23, 2011

    Sometimes

    Sometimes you miss someone
    Despite the fact that he right there beside you

    Sometimes the peace and calm
    Shields the raging storm within

    Sometimes despite the smiles
    The warmth in them is lacking, and goes unnoticed

    Sometimes behind the garb of normality
    Lies battered existence and heartache galore

    Sometimes... just sometimes
    Its best to look beyond the obvious 
    To reminisce one last time
    Before the fire gets extinguished forever

    For beyond all smiles
    All natural calmness
    Is deception, truth and the reality..
    This heralds the beginning to the end
    Sooner than we think

    Monday, November 28, 2011

    Home is where the heart is

    Jo bhi main

    Kehna chahoon
    Barbad kare..
    Alfaz mere
    Alfaz mere.........

    Kabhi mujhe
    Lage ki jaise
    Sara hi yeh
    jahan hai jaadu
    Jo hai bhi aur
    Nahi bhi hai yeh
    Fiza, Ghata, Hawa, Baharein
    Mujhe..
    Kare..
    Ishare yeh..
    Kaise..
    Kahoon
    Kahani main innki......

    Do you know that there maybe times when you long for something with every fibre of your existence and when you actually have it you may feel a sense of loss? The feeling is not unknown to me. funny thing this heart is... why does it keep longing for things, places and people?

    I have been longing for my second home a lot in the past few months, can you guess the place? Bangalore it is... the place is absolutely mystical and i have had too intense an affair with her to never really get over her... love her, hate her but you surely can never get over her. As a student when I was there I would long for home that it kind of overshadowed every possible emotion I may have had for this beautiful city. As my flight took off for home, for what I thought was for good, I knew I was never going to return to it EVER!! Fate always smiles at my silly absurd ways!! For I was back within months.

    The next time my flight took off from Bangalore, the thoughts that were rampant was that I will be back, tears were hardly contained, as they fell thick and fast. Over the past few months, i have always let my mind wander, I can almost see myself sitting in the CCD at Cunningham Road, feeling the cold winter wind on my face sipping coffee with Ranjini. I can almost feel that hot gravel beneath my feet as I walked barefoot to ISCKON temple. I can smell the rich smell of coffee as I used to place my order saying "Anna ondu coffee". I remember haggling with the autowallahs "Anna Brigade road Bartira?!" i remember the silent tears, emotions creating a havoc as the heart longed for the One. Now with the longed one around, the realization of impermanence makes me long for the place i call home.

    Home is not Kolkata anymore. The room is still mine, I still wake up to my dad's call for "kachouri for breakfast" when I am home. I still sleep on the veranga railing after waking up in the morning. I still sit slouched on the bed frantically flipping channels trying to play memory game with myself trying to remember all the channels. Mom feeds me, dad fusses around, Roshni (my niece) hangs around me as if I will dissapear if she blinks, sister laments on my inactive life, same boring calls to relatives. Yes its home but for holidays.

    So what is home? Is it a city?  a house? a place which has your loved ones? The concept of home has been plaguing me like a nightmare that I cannot forget. More than what I am doing with life, where is home is the thought that plagues me. Its not about how many friends you have around, its not about family members you have around, its not about the appliances you have, or the fancy house you have. Its a place you call home, its a shelter, its where you are you, with kohl smudged eyes, chapped lips, stained tee or frayed shorts or face full of black heads. Home is where every chore seems wonderful, every dime saved goes into buying a thing or two, home is where the heart is at peace, the mind is at ease and where fears of tomorrow is laid rest; heartbreaks are acknowledged, demons are fought and won over, in times of strife and failure the phonix rises from its ashes. Home is where the heart is.

    Thursday, November 17, 2011

    Finding Happiness

    Okay so i have been down in the dumps and it hasnt been pleasant so far. I havent broken down yet and i am functioning like a zombie of late. I take forever to do the cooking and cleaning bit...i have been called lazy and good for nothing and i fear i may turn into one really someday if i keep going like this. I donot take care of me anymore and sometimes i try and wish my problems away, i sway dangerously close to making new mistakes, i forget to shampoo and take care, i wake up in the middle of the night and find myself talking to the imaginary me justifying everything that i am doing, praying secretly that life sorts itself out.

    But amidst the mess i have found something beautiful. The world of blogs that somehow had lost out into my scheme of things. A place that made me feel loved, alive and truly great was shrouded but i have managed to wrestle it out of oblivion. For the first time I found myself feeling grateful and happy in someone else's happiness and I was surprised how the happiness spread, yes longing and a few 'if only's ruled' but then the gratifying feeling was beyond anything. Through the writings you connect, you find commonality, you bridge distances and you know someone new and thus the healing begins.
    A big thank you to Ria for her beautiful day to day posts which reinstates hope, faith and primarily love in my life, thank you for lighting up my life! Sulagna im addicted to you, I cant stop myself from reading about you, your family and your lil princess, you have brought alive a part of me I had buried deep within me. thank you!!

    I think the first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem and then to forgive yourself. I have made choices, some were well made and some just backfired. If you only give life a chance... it rescues you right back... like said by Rudyard Kipling

    "If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breath a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";"


    Life movies on and so should we...

    Wednesday, November 16, 2011

    Keeping Faith

    t

    So what do you do when you wake up one day and everything that you gave your life to came down crashing to nothingness? It has happened to me twice over but i am still at a loss!! Technically I should be equipped to salvage this situation, but I am not.. I wonder what is it that I should do now? Do I behave like an escapist? Do I sit back and try to find a way out of this mess? Well life is full of options and every option you take will have its pros and cons. So what do you do? You take a chance and hope its the right one. Sometimes you regret taking the chance, you know you dint choose right but you know you tried and sometimes thats all that matters!

    As I sit trying to figure out what next I know i am lost... life seems to be going its own way, spinning way out of control. Struggling to stay afloat seems to be a daunting task but trudge along we must because sometimes its the only way we have got left. So what do you really do? You just keep the faith, keep praying for strength to take it all in your stride and keep walking in the hope that the mist will clear and life will present itself in a whole new light once again... So keep breathing.. keep walking... there will be a tomorrow.. there has to be. Keep the faith alive its the only way forward.

    Monday, October 31, 2011

    The last encounter





    He sat at the dinner table surrounded by three of his closest friends and their family at an upmarket restaurant. It was a family dinner, arranged after a lot of cancellation and planning. Life had truly moved at a break neck pace. He felt as if he was leading life as if in a haze. There he was with friends whom he had met at college and now they were not just successful professionals but also family men with wife and kids. As he looked around he felt accomplished as he was surrounded by people who meant most to him, his wife, his 8 year old daughter and a set of friends and their family who were much closer to him than his family ever was, but there was a sense of unrest an incompleteness that he was never really able to fathom...

    His mind wandered, and he reflected upon how his life had shaped in the last years. His friends would say that after a period of madness he has finally found his moorings and his life was finally on track... but was it really? Every day he came home to his beautiful daughter who was a source of joy and a very driven wife who was efficient, responsible and everything that one would wish for in a wife, she was a good mother, a dutiful daughter and a great homemaker. Then why was it that he yearned for her, he kept thinking about her, longing for her even after so many years.


    Where would she be now? Has she married? Does she have children? Does she still smile in her sleep? Does she wake up only to snuggle deeper into the sheets? Does she ever wonder what happened to him? This trail of thought disturbed him. After so many years he had no business thinking about her. After all he had done the right thing, moved away before it rocked his settled life and she had agreed to the entire arrangement as well. Even though the mind is at ease the heart never was, it kept yearning for what was and what never will be.

    A roar of laughter brought him back to the dinner table and he looked around smiling and it was then he noticed the most adorable girl he has ever seen walk up to the table next to theirs. She must be all of three, dressed in a red frock, hair falling till her shoulders fixed with clips and matching bunny shoes to complete the look, she was a pretty kid and for some reason he could never move his eyes from her. The kid was making fish faces at a person who was probably her mother on being denied her favorite toy, as his gaze left the kid and settled on the mother who had her back towards him something tugged at him, a familiar feeling coursed through him yet he couldn't really place it. Just then the lady turned to the daughter swinging her into her arms and turning around.

    For a few moments time stood still. He was glad others at his table were too engrossed to notice his expression. He couldn’t believe it was her standing right in front of her even after so many years. His eyes drank in her sight. He loved the way she wore her hair long as it fell to her waist in soft natural curls. The beautiful white and red salwar kameez moulded her body as small diamond studs glittered in her ears, which got reflected in his nose pin. Her left wrist wore a simple elegant watch and the right wore two thin intricate bangles and her shapely fingers wore two rings one on each hand. Her eyes wore the familiar heavily kohled look and a touch of colour brightened her full lips.
    She had maintained her no makeup look even after so many years which made her look elegant and breathtakingly beautiful and for a moment he was lost in her sight. It was the little girl’s giggle that brought him back to reality and he felt a rush of anger boiling in him. So she had gone ahead and married and had a family and had forgotten all about him with ease. He felt angry and stupid about himself for thinking about her till he felt possessed. For a moment he felt like walking up to her and slapping her but then he looked away.


    Feeling a stare she looked up to see him and her face turned while and she hugged her daughter closer to her for comfort. It wasn’t just him who had noticed her, Arti had too, and she turned to her husband and whispered.


    “Isn’t she Noyona, Neel?”


    “Huh? Who? Aah... yes Noyona...” he tried to say smoothly hoping that she and others at the table wouldn’t notice the discomfort. Before he could figure what should be done next Arti pushed back her chair and walked up to Noyona. For a moment he felt uncomfortable, he felt a little guilty, Arti never really knew what he had shared with Noyona, but she had been really insecure and rather bitter about her which had led to a lot of spats until he stopped mentioning her at all. It had been four years since it was over between him and Noyona, but she lingered around in his marriage for no fault of her own. Arti could sense that Noyona was someone very important to Neel but could never accept it nor was she able to keep her off from her husband and the knowledge made her angry and inadequate.


    “Hi Noyona?!”


    Noyona turned to Arti in surprise.


    “Arti? Hi!”


    “Funny how we never met but we know each other”


    “Really...so how have you been? You guys are now settled in Delhi?”


    “Yes we have been for the last two years... didn’t you know?”


    “I’m really sorry I guess I have been out of touch for a long time...”


    “So are you based out of Delhi too now?”


    “No I am still in Bangalore. Nandini my niece stays here and we had come to visit her and her fiancé.”


    He had been listening on to the conversation for some time and felt it was time to chip in as the air

    was turned on to be very uncomfortable.


    “Hi Noyona...How have you been?” He asked trying to keep all emotion out of his voice.”


    “I have been good and you?”


    “I have been good too, funny how we seem to bump into each other all the time.”


    A strange looked passed Noyona and he knew she remembered how they had first met. They had literally collided with each other on the office staircase. Arti fidgeted and he moved on to say something.


    “So what brings you to Delhi? Planning to move here?” Arti gave a panicked look.


    “No actually my niece has finally met someone and we have come to meet him.”


    “Is this your daughter?”


    “Err... yes her name is Ankhi.”


    This time it was Neel who visibly recoiled. He remembered how she had once passionately said that she would name her son and daughter Ayon and Ankhi, as it meant eyes and she had always loved eyes as they she believed were the windows to the soul. And after so many years she had married and had kids and she had named her daughter Ankhi, her daughter but not fathered by him. Pain made it hard for him to breathe.


    “Aah so you married? Where is your husband?” Arti chipped in.


    Before she could reply they were joined by Nandini her niece and Arnab whom he recalled was her best friend from college. So finally Arnab got to marry Noyona, a girl who was his best friend and also someone he had had a massive crush on which he could never recover from. They had even met once. He reached out to greet him.


    “Hi Arnab been a long time...”


    “Yeah it has been... how have you been Neel?”


    “Been pretty good, now settled in Delhi itself. Hey hi Nandini...we have never really met but we have spoken, I don’t know if you remember me?”


    “Hey hi Neel I do remember you, it’s hard not to... it’s been a really long time na? By the way have you met Ayon the little monster?”


    “O my!! Are Ayon and Ankhi twins?” Arti exclaimed.


    “Yes they are... but that’s where all the similarities end. They are diametrically opposite but love each other nonetheless” Nandi exclaimed.


    “Hey I think you should get back to your dinner, your friends are waiting!” Noyona said.


    “I think we should, but you do keep in touch, it was really nice meeting you.”


    “Thanks Arti it was the same for us, bye Neel.” With that Noyona turned away, trying to settle her kids. Ayon choose to sit with his Masi on her left as Noyona took to her right with Ankhi beside her and Arnab taking his place right across the table.


    After the order was placed, it was finally Nandini who finally spoke out.


    “Are you okay Noyon? Look if you want we can do somewhere else. I know this must be hard.... i

    dint know he was in town or i would never have brought you here...”


    “Relax its fine. I didn’t expect him to be here too but then given the history of running into each other I should have known I’d bump into him. Dont mind me, when is Rannvijay joining us?”


    “He will be along any minute now.”


    As he sipped his drink he felt drawn to her. She seemed happy; finally she had found her anchor in Arnab and decided to give life a chance. While at one level he was happy for her at another level anger and jealousy ripped him apart. He couldn’t believe she had lied to him. All those tall talks about not being able to envision sharing life with anyone else but him and deciding to be all alone throughout life because she loved him and couldn’t not love someone the same way, all was a lie! A small voice in his head told him what he was thinking was all wrong. He had chosen to end this unexpected relationship and decided to go back to his wife and kid and had given up on her, it was his choice not hers. But she knew from the beginning that there was no future yet she let herself be in this relationship, he reasoned. So does that mean even after he let go of her she was supposed to die mourning for him? He figured he was being unreasonable but the thought that some other man was in her life was disturbing enough let alone the fact that he had fathered her kids and was

    a permanent part of her life. He died several deaths just thinking about how another man touched her, made love to her.


    He imagined her waking up only to nuzzle her face against his chest, her smile brightening her face even before she fully opened her eyes. He remembered her painstakingly scrubbing his feet and throwing soap suds all over him because he wasn’t cooperating. He remembered her draping her saree and him watching her every move, the way it caressed and moulded her body. She had not made it to the puja pandal in time; he had ensured that his hands traced the contours of her body, kissed each and every curve of her body. It had been hours before she went out, the marks was there for all to see who cared enough to take a second look but she had not complained. That was the beauty of her, even in the dead of the night when she would lay deep in sleep and he would trace his fingers along her bare back, caressing her nape and kissing her ears, she would just languidly turn and submit herself in his arms.


    But it wasn’t for the sheer beauty of her body that made him long for her, but the childlike quality in her. When she would decide to make dinner or lunch, food would be scattered all over the place, she would be clumsy and sloppy which led to innumerable fights. She would end up pissed giving him the cold shoulder and he would criticize her some more, until later things would be resolved in a moment of uncontrollable passion. He wanted to take care of her and hold her and take away all her pain but he knew he was not meant to be around forever, he had a home and family to go to and strangely she never seemed to challenge that. Maybe that’s why he loved her so much.


    Now as he looked across the room he saw a mature lady who was sure about herself, the childlike innocence had been replaced by wisdom, her eyes were veiled but almost sad and the smile even though permanently adorning her lips was not natural. So much had changed, they had gone their separate ways just as they had known they would but then why even after so many years does heart still long for her? He wondered for the millionth time, what if he had decided to shirk his responsibilities and chosen her over them? How would life have been then?


    His daughter laced her arm with his and he came out of his reverie only to meet Shekhar’s eyes. A friend of many years he knew exactly what transpired much more than anyone could ever imagine. He nodded to him and smiled signaling that things were in control. Seeing the happy faces around him he couldn’t help but feel disconnected. This was the first time in so many years Arti made an attempt to participate in any kind of conversation or be in a good mood in such gatherings yet the knowledge didn’t please him, he knew something was not right, was it her? Why did it bother him that she had chosen to settle down in life? He looked across to the kids perched on their high chair


    feeding ice cream to one another. With ice cream smeared all over the face and a messy bib, they looked quite adorable, almost a reflection of their mother. And the familiar tug was back, they could be his if only... Arnab had linked his hands to hers under the table and his eyes rarely left hers. He knew at that very moment that he had truly lost her when he had chosen his family over her few years back and what they had had surely succumbed to the tests of time.


    The cheque arrived and after paying he made his way out with his family and others. Before the restaurant door clicked shut he looked back, she sat there smiling hugging her kids close to her, her hair falling on her face masking her expression.


    “Dad...... come on...”


    “Coming coming....”


    After Arnab and Noyona saw Nandini and her fiancé off, he settled the kids on the front seat of the car, securing them with the seat belt. He arranged their bags neatly on the backseat and kissed them goodnight.


    “You okay?” Arnab said as he pulled her close for a tight hug.


    “Been better before but will survive this.”


    “Come on now smile.. Okay enough of brooding let’s get going. It’s getting late.”


    “Drive safe Arnab. Goodnight.”


    “You too Noyona. Goodnight.”


    As Arnab saw the car turn into the driveway and disappear, his phone started ringing.


    “Hi baby, how are you doing? You want me to pick something up on the way? Some ice cream? No cravings tonight? Are you sure? I’m not going out again once I’m home... uhuh!! Okay... yea the dinner went off well... Nandini’s fiancé is rather nice... yes IIT Delhi... good chap.. kids were great... yes we missed you.. Nandini understood that in your condition coming out would have been tough... yeah they can’t wait for the baby to arrive... you won’t believe who we met today... no no it was Neel... Noyona was stunned at first but then she seemed collected... did she tell him? No she didn’t. They kind of assumed that I was with her and no we didn’t not tell them otherwise. No she seemed perfectly okay with it... Anyway let’s discuss this once i get home? Okay see you in sometime then.”


    He hung up and reflected on the events of the night and sighed. He felt sorry for Noyona for all that she had been through all alone for the last four years but more than that he was proud that she never for once faltered or complained. She accepted whatever life brought her way smilingly and braved all hardship. If only Neel knew... would he have done things otherwise? He didn’t think so. He started the engine and drove away.


    ~*~

    Sunday, August 28, 2011

    Anything Else But Love- Ankita Chadha- Review

    In the publishing industry a lot of things happen, including the fact that a good editor writes your back cover for you and paints a rosy picture which ultimately sells your book to a reader. Here lies the problem, like many readers I read the blurb about the book and found it to be a good read so ordered it. After 304 pages of utter torture i finally managed to end it. The book seems to mock everything filmy and ends up being an over the top, theatrical drama in print. Usually a good story keeps me hooked but this surely was a torture as i could barely manage to end it. The editing is very sloppy and the English is horrendous "She THROWED the teddies" "I wanted to Say to you" it seemed to have been written keep in mind the market where often film makers adopt books into movies and this was no better!! Characters are half baked and is made to do things just for prolonging a sense of excitement which had long since gone and the male characters and situations seem like an extension of a female persona. Moreover the places mentioned remain as lousy backdrop or a mere prop which shows the lack of research.

    End verdict

    You may have a story to tell but may not be a good story teller
    You may know English but you may not be a good writer!!

    A total waste of money not worth 175 bucks... the publication should pull up their socks because in chick lit genre they have to maintain the high standards set by Penguin and Rupa Publications... so attention to language usage, grammatical errors and errors in phrases and expression can be a reputation killer.

    Monday, August 08, 2011

    A Pocketful of sunshine

    Okay I think i am being perennially depressed and i think negativity just breeds negativity. So I want to write about something nice, something funny and something happy. Yesterday was friendship day and i wondered about all the friends in my life. I personally consider all my friends (i can count them on my fingers) as close friends or best friends but then another friend of mine told me something which got me thinking. He said you donot have best friends you have A Best Friend. Another close friend told me, that I should probably be careful about whom I call best friends because most are not worthy to be called a best friend.

    This got me thinking and for the first time it got me wondering if most of the close set of friends that I have are worthy to be called best friends, because truly there can be one best friend. So i will tell you who the one person who is my best friend and why because i think every one needs a little reminding and its wonderful to count your many blessing. I met him on my first day at college, we were in a crowd but somehow we got talking. We were seated with the rest in the canteen but we were existing in a whole new world that just had him and me. Within one hour I had told him everything about myself from my family to the long time boy friend and lots of odd stuff but yea about the long time boy friend bit kinda blew his chances or so he said. Its been 5 years now.. and this Guy who is my Best Friend truly has been with me through thick and thin. From gently but firmly scolding me, from flirting with me to copying notes for me, from teaching me before exams to constantly pulling me out of despair. Shubhankar has been a boulder. I go to him whining crying, telling him things i will never ever tell anyone. He never pulls me down like most others who in the garb of being friends who tell the truth, just scars my soul and just up the pain. So this friendship day and every one that will come up next will be solely for Shubhankar who put me before him time and again and is a pillar for strength, my conscience and the sole reason why this journey of life is so much better. Yes there are others but I guess I have learnt the difference between friends and acquaintance, and friends and best friend. Sometimes you just need that 4 am friend to go bonkers with, be crazy but most importantly to be yourself! Thanks Shu for being my oxygen life without you would have been so colorless!! :)

    Since I have nothing more happy to write I thought why not do a TAG of sorts!! :)



    A
    Available: Hmm... kinda
    Age: will be 24 in 28 days time :)
    Annoyance: Not knowing where I am headed.
    B
    Beer: Naaah not my time.. i hate the smell!!
    Birthday/Birthplace: 6th September, Kolkata
    Best feeling in the world: to cuddle up and sleep
    Best weather: waking up to pitter patter rain on my window, tons of water logging and lightning and thunder claps
    Been on stage? Yes, was very intimidating to say the lease
    Believe in life on other planets? Yes, we were taught in school werent we of the nine planets. 
    C
    Candy:cNaah i hate candies
    Colour: Blue.
    Chocolate/Vanilla: Brownies, with Vanilla icecream and Chocolate sauce. 
    Country to visit: France. 
    D
    Day or night: night or the during day break

    Dance in the rain? no more like a walk in the rains
    Do the splits? nope
    E
    Eggs: Me loves eggs... specially omelet and there is this chain of restaurant Au Bon Pain in Blore, love their fried egg and presto sauce sandwich... totally sinful!
    Everyone has: been a loser sometime or the other. Some still are. Most always will be. 
    F
    First crush: This guy who was my neighbor later became my nightmare!!
    First thoughts waking up: O crap have to go to office again!! :(
    Food:Im not a foodie but then Chinese is my all time favorite so is Coffee and ice cream!
    G
    Greatest Fear: to not able to identify with myself. 
    Giver or taker: Giver
    Goals:to find my moorings
    Get along with your parents? Yes,I do
    H
    Hair Colour: Brown.
    Height: Five feet, two and a half
    Happy: Sometimes
    How do you want to die? In my sleep
    Health freak? Nope
    Hate: Overbearing and patronizing people
    I
    Ice Cream: Chocolate brownie sundae and belgian dark chocolate ice cream.
    Instrument: MP3 Player.
    J
    Jewellery: silver jewelry
    Job: yes but want a new one!
    K
    Kids: love them, want two of my own
    Kickboxing or karate: naa more of free style :D
    Keep a journal? Yes. totally

    L
    Love: is too overrated, most dont know what it is, most think they dont, others just abuse love and use it as an excuse
    Love at first sight: is too hard to believe
    Laughed so hard you cried: Yes

    M
    Mooned anyone? No. 
    Marriage: A major responsibility.
    Motion sickness? No
    N
    Number of siblings: One.
    Number of piercings: Two in each ear. 
    O
    One wish:To set the wrong right
    P
    Place you’d like to live: anywhere near the sea and the sand
    Perfect pizza: single cheese margharita or corn and chicken
    Pepsi/Coke: none
    Q
    Questionnaires: could be fun
    R
    Reason to cry: too many, but basically missing someone
    Reality TV: gives me headaches
    Roll your tongue in a circle: huh?
    S
    Song: Jay Z and Linkin Park, Numb encore (my current fav)
    Shoe size: Six
    Slept outside? No
    Seen a dead body? Yes. 
    Smoked? Yes and then spluttered
    Skinny-dipped? nope
    Shower daily? Yes. twice or thrice
    Sing well? Nope, strictly bathroom singing
    In the shower? when i'm in a good mood. 
    Swear? Yes. 
    Stuffed animals? Sometimes. 
    Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberry jam
    Scientists need to invent: Memory potions like Snapes tears
    T
    Time for bed: Whenever the eyes feel droopy and body just curls up to the pillow
    Thunderstorms: beautiful
    TV: Boring. 
    Touch your tongue to your nose: naah cant
    U
    Unpredictable: Sometimes
    V
    Vegetable you hate: cabbage
    Vegetable you love: Potato, ladys finger
    Vacation spot: anywhere near the beach
    W
    Weakness: loving without thinking about myself
    When you grow up: hey im 24 (almost) that makes me a grown up
    Worst feeling: not being good enough
    Wanted to be a model? no
    Where do we go when we die? neverland?
    Worst weather: humidity
    X
    X-Rays: havent gotten one done yet
    Y
    Year it is now: 2011
    Yellow: i like the color
    Z
    Zoo animal: Giraffe
    Zodiac sign: Virgo.
    Okay if you are bored you can do this tag too!! :)

    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Ashamed

    I sit sipping my cuppa at office. Another new day but the mess remains the same. I dont want to feel angry at life, i dont want to feel bad because things happened the way they did. Yes things are messed up. Beyond anything I know. I have been wronged and in turn I have wronged too. Today when I see someone, someone whom I used to hold dear go through the same things as I did, my heart lurches I know how painful the feeling is. Nothing one can say can ever make you feel better. And the shittiest realization of all is I who has suffered a similar thing has inflicted the same hurt and pain on other. Is there any forgiveness for it? No there shouldn't be. I dont deserve it as well.

    Its sad how i pined, agonized, ran behind quicksand not bothering to hear painful wails, silent mourning of the one who willingly gave me up to the fate I choose. And today when all there remains is a heap of broken dreams, anguished memories and a Ghost of me whom I cant recognize, repentance comes easy to me. There can be no mercy, no respite. I accept it, I accept my fate. I let go because that is the best for you. You are far too good to deserve me.


    I wanted to tell you how sorry i am for everything. For bringing you so much pain that I will understand you if you dont want to love again. Im sorry for ignoring the love I saw in your eyes. I went the way I wanted. I did what my heart desired not caring about you. I wish I could make it all right but I think it is a bit too late. And I want you to have the best in life and not me, because I know i dont deserve you. I have been afraid. Afraid of loving you, of you thinking I am not good enough. I was afraid of our life falling apart again. I was afraid of your rejection. Now that you are gone, the memories haunt me, the desire to be yours rips me apart. But I know this is how it is meant to be, I wont say this to you and let you down again.

    Just know that I am sorry and I am ashamed of what I did. I wish I could take away your pain and make you feel whole again, I wish....

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    Wish things were different....


    Wish I could send you my tears
    Wish I tell you my fears

    Wish I could let you know how I feel
    Wish I could have you near

    Dont know if you want to believe
    Or if you care anymore?

    But know that i miss you
    I miss us
    Miss what we used to be

    Miss seeing you smile
    Miss your hands laced in mine

    The evenings spent laughing
    Your hugs filling me with warmth

    The wind on our face
    Our smiles reflecting in our eyes

    Where are you?
    Will you not be around anymore?
    Is it so hard for you to keep in touch?
    Or you dont need me anymore?

    I guess I wouldnt know..
    I wont beg, I wont plead
    Maybe this is how it is meant to be.

    Friday, July 22, 2011

    Now that you're gone...

    Everyone said it, I refused to believe
    But now i realized
    Its true, I miss you

    There is a longing in my heart
    Memories tug painfully
    My hand reaches out to you, I know I miss you

    A lot of time has gone by
    And i know i have wronged you
    I realize now, how much i miss you

    Is it love? I dont really know
    I ask myself but i havent got a clue,
    but i guess its true, I miss you

    A million wrongs, the guilt of breaking your heart
    The longing to hear your voice
    Makes me miss you more, and tears me apart

    Is it you? Are you there somewhere?
    Or gone forever? Whatever next...
    I hope you know how much i miss you.

    Friday, July 08, 2011

    Missing You

    I turn in for the night
    the shadows flikr on the walls
    I long for your arms to hold me close
    Your breath on my nape..

    I snuggle up to you pillow
    The whiff of your perfume intoxicates me
    Memories makes the heart lurch in pain
    The empty bed and vacant pillow reminds me of you again!
                                                                    The day refuse to pass
    Seconds feel like hours
    Nothing feels the same any more,
    Just the longing intensifies and makes me yours again

    Just a glimpse of your smile
    Your lashes kissing your cheeks
    Eyes glittering with love
    Makes me trip and fall in love all over again!

    It is all wrong,
    then why does it feel right?
    Its transient, it was destined to be so
    but why does it seem that it will last forever!

    Questions remain
    Answers illude us
    Then why does love bind us closer still?
    Love, has kept us together
    With every new day, i love you all over again!

    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    Losing my virginity and other dumb ideas- Madhuri Banerjee


    Before I talk about how I simply loved this book and the extent I went just to finish it; I think its important to tell how I managed to stumble upon this phenomenon called Madhuri Banerjee. I found a stray link on a friend's Facebook account to CNN IBN blog and soon I was not just reading Chastity Belt written by Madhuri Banerjee but I started fanatically reading whatever I could written by her. I read her articles for CNN blog, i fished our her blog and read up all her previous posts but the revelation happened when I came across Chapter 21 of her maiden book on Rediff.com. I did read her Two To A Tango (a short story written by her) before and liked the way she handled the entire story line but something about this one abstract chapter tugged at my heart and I knew I had to read it any how and soon. After frantically searching for her book "Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas" and being unable to locate it in any of Delhi's small bookstores, I was frustrated but not ready to give up. It was then that I did the unthinkable! It is very unlike me to reach out to anyone telling them how they have managed to move me, let alone a celebrity. But I did because I knew I could, and my joy knew no bounds when Madhuri herself replied. My desire to read her was now at its peak and I was even ready to overcome my innate fear of using the internet to buy anything but then I did what most book lovers do, I ordered her book off Flipkart and a fan was born, flipkart got one more loyal customer and Madhuri well... got herself something who is totally in awe of her. I simply lover her honest, forthcoming and very endearing ways, she is someone you can relate to, her charming ways makes you wish you were a little like her; confident, sauve and very intellectual.


    Right: Madhuri Banerjee author of Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas

    On reading the 21st chapter of the book I knew I wanted to know more. I was hooked and I knew I would have to find ways to get my hands on it. But then when I read that it was about a 30 year old virgin waiting to lose her virginity I felt "O my God! this book is going to be like TOI's lifestyle articles that talks about sex and other related stuff in a know all manner trying to impose a very western school of thought on a very Indian mindset!" I couldnt have been farther from the truth. My reasons for loving the book are many, mostly personal. I could identify myself with the protagonist where she values her virginity not because she didnt find anyone to lose it to but she wanted to make love to someone she was truly in love with. Isnt it how we all feel somehow? Isnt it how all are friends who have done "It" make those who havent feel, trying to impress upon us the need to devirginize us? I found myself in Kaveri in so many things, being in a relationship knowing it will never work but not having it in them to walk because love seemed to bind us in shackles. Funny how love drives us to do things, things which others dont understand. Despite several warnings we refuse to see reality and we do only when we are prepared to do it. Aditi, Kaveri's best friend reminded me so much of my best friend Vaidu and the role she plays in my life! Yes the book moved me to tears, it resonated with my very being but most importantly the book showed me the way I was looking for in all the books I have picked up in the recent past.

    This post is not just to rant about how the book has managed to move me. But it is also about how well the book is written. Yes there are patches when my attension wavered to be honest and there were parts I didnt think was relevant but then mostly the book is probably a handbook for very urban girl. It contains a little bit of all of us, the usual paranoia about our weight, dilemma about what to wear, apprehension about being fat and not being attractive enough for the men. The constant struggle with love, losing ourselves in the man whom we consider to be the Great Love who ends up battering your soul and leaves you to pick up the broken pieces. The book talks about the desires of a lady in love, anguished having to share her man with his wife in a vulnerable yet endearing sort of a way. For once you wont term Kaveri as a slut or the Other Woman, you will empathize with her situation, you will understand that her reasons for being with a married man was just love and nothing else. Kaveri's character evolves as the book proceeds and with it the heart and soul of the reader gets purged. We are all allowed a mistake or two in life but what matters is learning from them and doing the right thing. Kaveri managed to find herself and her self respect, and she realizes what she did, she did it for the reasons she felt was right and that is what made this book so endearing.

    Priced at a modest Rs 150/- the book is a delightful read. After Colleen McCullough's The Thorn Birds, which had a major impact on my psyche ever since I read the book at 13; Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas managed to move me once again. Loved reading the book will be an understatement. Unlike other chick lit or books belonging to the genre of popular fiction this book stands tall for being unique, and it has something for everyone. A must read if you are an avid reader. I can hardly wait for Madhuri Banerjee's second book, if the first book was this good I wonder what the next in the offering would be like...