Friday, February 25, 2011

Stray Thoughts

As I key in my thoughts the Volvo speeds away towards Pune. This is one of those times when I am traveling alone and I am simply loving it. My co passenger is a sweet tempered lady, having traveled so much over a period of time I really value my co-passengers who are really easy to get along with. Having horrid co-passengers can be a pain when traveling long distances and I am not unknown to that. 

As a child, I had always been apprehensive of traveling alone, half scared, of what?I am still not aware of. But of late, the unknown does not scare me anymore. But it really makes me feel nice. My first trip alone was when I had traveled from Hyderabad to Mumbai during Diwali. The other time was when I was traveling from Bangalore to Hyderabad and now to Pune. Each time I have to travel, my thoughts strays. To me, these journeys from one city to another, is a metaphor for the journey of life. We have destinations that we have to reach, we have fears and pain to overcome, for life to go on.  These journeys give me enough time with myself, to actually analyze what I am thinking, to rearrange it all to fight life with renewed energies. To me these journeys are therapeutic. 

As I type thoughts come thick and fast, I'm reminded of the dream I had last night. I dreamt of her, Roshni, my niece. There she was curled up to me, her face buried in my neck, like always. She murmured something about being scared of telling me to protect her and me trying to draw her close to me… the next thing I know I am lying on the floor in a pool of blood, my hands desperately feeling my lower tummy, the mound was gone, and I could hear my niece crying copiously. I woke up drenched in sweat; tears streaming down my face, I could almost see Roshni’s face swimming in front of me. I don’t know what my dream meant. But it was the first time in the past one year I had thought of her. Somehow I had always thought I had surgically removed her from me, that her existence didn’t really resonate with my soul anymore.  But I had dared to think I had my life in my control. Life has a way to telling you that no matter how much you try, there will always be things that are way beyond your control. 

Enough of gloomy thoughts for now, have a wonderful weekend people! I'm off to my nearest relatives’ and to some ghar ka khana… hope you guys have fun! More from my end but later…Ciao!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

If Only...

If only i had known
that out there.. somewhere
You were as lonely as I was
I would have found you and hugged you
For in the warmth of that hug
I would have felt a shared loneliness melt away...

If only I had known
as i sat on the station railings
looking at the only friends for the night
that out there...somewhere
you would be watching the same stars
I would have felt comforted
by our common space
in a shared emptiness

If only I had known
that some day I would find you
the long days of nothingness
would not have been so tough
and like a prisoner of time
I would have struck each day off gleefully
from my quota of solitude

If only I had known
that out there...somewhere
you needed a shoulder to cry your heart out on
I would have lent you mine
for in your tears somehow
I would have felt my sorrows flowing away

If only I had known
that the demons tormenting me everynight
were the same that were making the going tough for you
I would have put up a stronger fight
for out there...somewhere
you would be fighting them too

If only there were second chances.... 
This is poem is written by someone really close to me, someone special; so it definitely means much to me. I thought of sharing this with you, knowing that you will appreciate it as much as I do and in the exact vein it was written...

Monday, February 21, 2011

Rainy Bangalore

I had just got off from work. The clock had just struck 6.35pm. I had missed talking to him because I got late, it didn’t really matter that he had been pretty tied up himself. The air was still, dusk was still yet to fall, and as soon as I stepped on the dusty streets...drop by drop, it all came pouring down suddenly. Within moments I was soaked to my skin… with my dearest possessions: laptop, ipod, cell phone and my watch nicely tucked in my bag pack; I finally allowed myself to let the rains purge my soul. For once it felt so good, I didn’t care about worldly things, gloomy thoughts that had been clouding my mind disappeared into thin air and memories came flooding in… Rains always reminds me of rain kissed Kolkata, the headlights of taxies getting blurred when seen from the rearview windows of cars, jumping over ditches and trudging through knee deep waters with shoes in hand…

Memories of rain kissed Kolkata are really something.. Like waking up to raindrops on my window pane.... tunneling deeper in my blanket and pulling it over my eyes…avoiding… first school and then as years wore on, college… Ma bringing in coffee and settling on my bed for a chat...running to the terrace as the storm threatened to blow the laundry away...Then there was the day when I left home for Bangalore about two years back… it had rained that day too… as if nature was crying with me, dissolving my pain and fears of leaving home for the first time…

I have had the strangest fixation with rains… Rains had always captured my imagination and if you have been reading me for as long as I have been ranting in this space, you will know exactly what I mean…

Rains suit your every mood don’t they? Sometimes when you are upset, let down by the world… you find a companion in the rains…they seem to wash away the pain and fill you with renewed energy…  Sometimes it just purges your soul and makes you feel whole again. That’s exactly what happened with me today. Days of feeling as if pain will tear me apart, as if a part of me has been amputed, numb.. for once the rain filled up a void in me which I have always suspected was within me but never knew existed. So what happened? I tried something which always helped: Retail therapy. O yes! After buying a skirt, a pair of three quarters and a matching tee, a pair of shorts, a wonderful green sweatshirt, a nice cute top and a cute night dress, yesterday, yes you read it right YESTERDAY! I went ahead and got myself some lingerie!! I tell you retail therapy really works!! And at the rate I’m going I’m surely gonna land up as a pauper before my next pay check arrives and that’s just 7 days to go… : ) Jokes apart… sometimes when we smile despite the pain that weighs you down, it feels great… smiling takes effort but when you do… the soul feels liberated..just like the rains that washes the dirt off the leaves, giving them a new lease of life..

Smile and the world smiles with you…  Gnite people… let the night fairy weave beautiful dreams on those lashes… let the fatigue give away to peaceful slumber…

Awarded by Neeha

There are four duties to perform you have to perform after you have received this award. This post was long overdue.. so here goes..

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award .
 Thank You & Love you Neeha for the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself:
  • I'm a control freak, i notice smallest of things, and smallest of changes, i go ballistic if things are not where they are meant to be, finicky to the core.
  • I am a person of extremes, either i like someone or hate, either i am happy or i am sad there is nothing in between for me.
  • I can be extremely gross if I want to, and bring up the most crass-iest of things or sensitive things in a matter of fact manner that you will end up either being grossed out or laughing.
  • I am capable of denoting different words for different emotions like i know perfectly well when "I'm upset" "I'm pissed off" "hurt" etc etc.
  • Im a self taught cook, with a lot of encouragement and tips from a special someone. Surprisingly i love what i cook and meri meri favourite hoon!!! :)
  • While I can express how much I love someone or how much they mean to me, i cant react or express my grief, hurt or pain. I can keep quiet, bear it all up but cant speak my mind because I cant hurt those who are close to me even at the cost of my happiness or comfort!
  • I am a compulsive shopper. The moment I'm upset or unhappy I instinctively reach out to retail therapy. I can never give away my old clothes , even those I haven't used in  ages because of some silly reason. 
3. This award now goes to people whose writing I absolutely love! :)
yamini meduri

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
Yes I will do that in a while! :)

    Saturday, February 19, 2011

    I will be gone someday...

    Just when you think you have figured me,
    Know at that very moment you are
    Farthest from the truth.
    Fool you are to think
    You can fathom the depths of my soul,
    Words can give you an inkling of what is
    The reality lies shrouded within.
    Love that teaches you to selflessly give,
    Love that makes you break down time and time again.
    It also empowers you to rise again..
    Love will make me stronger than ever
    To someday walk away…
    From you, from everything that was ours,
    But will the pain end?
    Lofty thoughts can just make life seem bearable
    But truth is what is never to be
    Is there for a cause
    And to serve the cause is what I intend!
    The day the heart gives up
    Know that, I will be gone
    Yes I will be gone, someday
    Without a trace
    And I will usurp you of me!
    None of my writings will remain
    Nothing to link you to me
    But memories.. but they too will be gone
    Just like I will someday
    And that day you will think
    You know not who I have been
    And you will be farthest from the truth
    And the truth will always elude you.
    I will be gone someday.
     Gone without a trace
    Somewhere, where you will never find me...
    Yes I will be gone someday
    And you will never know the real me,
    Or the love that i harbor within...

    Friday, February 18, 2011

    Half a life 4!

    Even in sleep she could felt the bed dip on her left, soon she felt a pair of hands wrap itself all around her. The feel of it was vaguely familiar, so was the smell. Then she felt a face nuzzling her neck and even in her sleep she snuggled in, falling asleep instantly. She woke up to find a pair of naughty eyes peering down at her with eyes full of unmasked love and she visibly recoiled! Neel had woken up and he was right there on the bed, hugging her while she slept! She was mortified! She had snuggled up to him and slept!! She didn’t know where to look, she just wanted to lie there and wished death would come to her. She considered jumping out of bed but then again she fretted that her hair was in a mess and she was wearing a very old strappy nightgown that wasn’t flattering and she wouldn’t be caught dead in front of him in that! She was confused about her next course of action! Instead she pulled the covers up till her eyes as she heard him laugh out aloud. 

    “I have seen you wear much less than what you have on Noyona… grow up! It’s okay… it’s just me…” He just pulled her to him and hugged her tight until she gave up her fight and hugged him back.

    “I missed you all these years.. There has not been a day I have not wondered where you are, how you have been. I have hurt so bad that I am no longer scared of being hurt.”

    “I have missed you too…” she whispered barely audible

    “Then why leave like that? Then why didn’t you keep in touch. Not once in these last three years. Have you ever wondered what I have been through? Did you care even once to know how I am? Did I not mean anything to you?”

    “You still mean a lot to me Neel, it’s just that we were never meant to be for each other. I knew we couldn’t live in denial. I had to build life from scratch. It hasn’t been hunky dory for me… with the kids and all... but I managed. I had to… I had to keep my end of the bargain after what I had done. My love for you had never ceased in all these years…”

    “And him?? What about him?”

    She looked away, scared that she may have to tell him. He held her and pulled her close.

    “Did you love him as much as you loved me? Tell me... I need to know….  Did you love him?” He shook her hard.

    “No…never… I have always loved you. I do even today!”

    Her last few words were drowned as she felt his lips come crashing on hers, first violently, then becoming gentle. She felt herself falling into a bottomless pit. She felt his hands caressing her arms and she linked hers around him as they were swept away by passion, longing and pent up emotions of the last few years getting the better of them. They clung to each other as the sun came up.

    The next time he woke up she wasn’t there with him. He quickly got dressed pulling over one of her over sized tees that was lying around, just like old times… and went off to look for her…

    “Coffee?” she asked smiling shyly as she went about making coffee and breakfast.

    They were drinking their second cup, when the door to the kids room opened and Ayon came out rubbing his eyes. He looked at him for the first time and smiled for the first time, as if finding a man in their household was a natural phenomenon. He went and hugged his mother and then did the unthinkable, he went and asked Neel to pick him up. Doing as he was told, he put Ayon on his lap and he looked across to her.

    “Funny Ayon reacted like that! He never trusts people so completely. He must really like you to go and sit on your lap!”

    Neel beamed, to think he struck a chord with her kids made him feel happy, especially because now he felt like he was a part of this happy picture! Despite having made peace with Noyona, his heart ached and he didn’t know why, he kept feeling that something was amiss but he just couldn’t place just what and it eat at his heart!

    “So how old are you Ayon?”

    “He will turn two next month.” She blurted before she could think things through and for a moment he looked dazed and a strange look passed but since he went on to speak on other things she silently said a prayer and heaved a sigh of relief!
    Meanwhile Aankhi had woken up and decided to be in a cranky mood, since Neel seemed to be quite a hit with her, she left her with him and went to make breakfast.

    “Fried eggs just the way you like it!” she said as she put his plate of eggs in front of him.

    “So who are the other fried eggs for…. You like your eggs in a French omlette if I remember correctly!”

    “ Yes I still do… its just that kids seem to like the eggs the way you do!” the moment the words were out of her mouth she regretted it for his face clouded and he looked up giving her a quizzing look.

    “What I simply meant was… they donot like eggs in any other form, that’s a fine coincidence you share with them.”

    Later he joined her when she was doing the dishes and hugged her. The kids had gone down to the park with the maid so that gave them some time alone.

    “So… don’t you have to go home… what are you going here loitering? I don’t want the police at my doorstep looking for you okay… I have kids to bring up!” she said jokingly but he seemed not in a mood to joke.

    “Don’t worry about that. I am not expected back until tomorrow so leave that to me. Why do I get the feeling that you are not telling me something Noyona? There is something that is taking place and I can’t seem to put my finger onto what.”
    “What do you mean?” She said quivering trying her best to remain normal. 

    “Tell me about him…. You never really spoke about him. Where did you two meet? When did you get married? What happened? Why did he walk out? Was he there when the kids were born?”

    “It’s been a long time Neel… I don’t really want to talk about it… its rather painful.” She said turning away from him but he had already seen the fear in her eyes.

    “Or is there nothing about him to tell me Noyona? Does he even exist?” His voice becoming threatening by the minute.

    “He does. We met, decided to get married, things didn’t work out… and he left. Later I found out I was pregnant with the kids. That’s all there is to this. And can we talk on something else now Neel?”

    “So how come there are no pictures anywhere of him and you? And when did all this happen? Soon after you left me? How could you? And you say you have always loved me??”

    “Neel we had our separate lives, I never judged yours and I thought you wouldn’t judge mine. And tell me is this why you came back for? To ask what made me fall in love again? To torture me about my choices in life?”

    “That has never been my intension and even you know that… but tell me Noyona. When is it that you met him? Or is it because of him that you left me? Because this equation of time never really matches up! You getting married and divorced, pregnant with kids, who turn two next month all in a span of three years… isn’t that too quick?”

    She paled and bit her lips, her knuckles had become white from clutching at the kitchen counter. This did not miss his eyes. He came close and grabbed hold of her in a vice like grip and stared straight into her eyes.

    “They are mine aren’t they?”

    “Who?? What are you talking about? Leave me alone… its hurting me….”

    “Don’t lie anymore… Aankhi and Ayon… they are my kids aren’t they?? Tell me…. Don’t lie… just tell me… I want to know if I am the father… tell me Noyona…I deserve to know and you know that!” he shook her.

    “Yes… yes.. Aankhi and Ayon are your kids…” She barely whispered, scared at his reaction, the weight of the last three years got to her as she broke down in inconsolable sobs! He just stood there shell shocked as if life was sucked out of him!

    “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you out. You didn’t have to do this alone, and I had told you we would tackle this together if this situation ever happened. Then why didn’t you tell me anything about it?!”

    “Neel I knew it even then what I was doing?”

    “You mean to tell me, you had planned this all along? That you purposely cut me out of your life, had my kids and blocked me out of the lives of my own flesh and blood. Don’t you think I deserved to know and then decide if I wanted to be a part of it or not?”

    “Why are you overreacting Neel? What could you have done anyway if you had known?”

    “Then this situation wouldn’t have happened! You wouldn’t have been in this mess!”

    “But don’t you see? This was never a mess for me. I wanted to have Aankhi and Ayon. It was my choice. Yes it was my way of getting back at fate which would never let me have you… don’t you see?”

    “No I don’t… I don’t know what to feel angry about. You cutting me off your life, denying me of you, of having my kids or keeping me away from their life too.. What a sadist you are Noyona… how selfish can you be? Did you for once think of me and how I would feel about this?? Did it occur to you that I would want to be a part of your life and theirs too? Are you not denying them of a normal life?”

    “I knew the scores from the beginning Neel and I gave you your old life back sans the complications. And as for the kids, what they have never known they won’t miss. For them I am enough. And for me being selfish, for once I lived for myself and I donot regret it!”

    He looked livid, ready to kill. Then the look was just gone, he quietly went into her room only to return a few minutes later dressed in his clothes, he picked up his cell phone and left without a word. She dissolved into tears, sobs racking her body as she heard the door bang and close in on her. Her carefully planned life was falling apart yet again!


    Thursday, February 17, 2011

    Half a Life! 3

    Feeding kids while they are engrossed in watching cartoon on tv can be a daunting task. Specially if it was a Friday and you have had a long week at work and all you wanted to do was to crash in bed, after a nice shower, pulling up the sheets and reading a book until sleep took over! She didn’t really mind because even these little things gave her immense pleasure. It kept her mind off a lot of things; it became a reason for the joys in her life. As she was clearing the table the bell rang, wondering who it could be at this hour she gingerly washed her hands to get to the door.

    As he rang the doorbell, he knew he would cave in any time. The past ten days had been harrowing to say the least, with countless meetings, travelling to and fro, her thoughts plaguing his mind. He felt angry, possessive, calm, distressed and totally devastated in regular succession thinking about her. How could she just calmly walk out of his life and then begin afresh. Anger and jealously tore at him and he wanted answers. Later, much later did he allow himself to think of her, of her happiness and her wishes. She carved her life just the way she wanted and she was happy and a part of him was at peace, felt a lot less guilty. But nothing could stop the thoughts that questioned him, how she could unfeelingly begin life afresh, didn’t she ever think of him while doing so? Was he ever important to her? Was she then lying when she said he was the one and she could never be with anyone else? Bitch! Yes that’s what she is or else why would she never try and find out how he has been all these years? He thought of her all the time, his mind kept replaying their life together; so much that he had memorized everything, every little detail. But at the end of 10 days he couldn’t contain himself. He had to find out for himself and he didn’t really care if she was prepared to answer them or if he was there with her. He needed to talk and he didn’t know any other way but this!

    “What are you doing here?” A very surprised Noyona exclaimed while turning pale. She had never imagined he would come and find her. It has been 10 days and she assumed that by now the worst was over, and life would resume at the normal pace. But she was in for a rude shock
    “I need to talk! Can I come in?”

    “But… it’s late…”

    “Look I think I made my intensions very clear… I am not going to rape you. It’s been a hectic 10 days, I’m exhausted and ready to pass out and in this state I wouldn’t be able to rape you even if I wanted to! And you know forcing myself on people, that has never been my style… and in any case people succumb to my charms… as you might remember!” He said smiling cheekily.

    Mortified and blushing she moved back to allow him to come in and gestured him to make himself comfortable on the sofa while she went to tend to the kids who were now becoming restless as it was nearing bed time.
    “Is it okay that I am here? I mean will he mind if he knew I was here? I mean… I’m sure you know what I mean right?” He said hesitantly.

    Startled for a minute, she looked up “no it’s okay… I‘ll just get the kids to wash up and be back…”
    “You want me to help?”

    “No thanks I’ll manage…”

    Here let me…. I‘ll carry her and you can carry him… I feel so shameless… I didn’t ask you their names..”

    “Aankhi and Ayon…”

    “Hmm… you had always wanted to name your daughter Aankhi haven’t you… Aankhi and Ayon…. Beautiful names…”

    As he leaned over to pick Aankhi up he noticed a nervous look pass between mother and son, and Noyona was quick to reassure Ayon that it was okay that Aankhi was being picked up. The little girl however had no inhibitions; she gurgled gleefully, wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against him. His heart twisted painfully and his throat became dry, he had no clue why he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Was it because he still couldn’t believe that this was Noyona’s kids? The Noyona who was wild, alive, constantly chattering, driving him crazy, whose love was all consuming. The Noyona who loved with abandonment, who had welcomed him in her life without any promises, she let him in a place where she had not let anyone else even come close. The youthful Noyona, as pretty as ever with those same kohl rimmed eyes, was almost the same but she was only quieter, more serious and had two lovely kids. Kids that could have been his 

    He sighed as he opened the faucet to let water run, as he rinsed Ankhi’s mouth. He gently carried her into the room which looked like it belonged to the kids and sat down with her, as Noyona was busy with Ayon. In no time, he had seen all her toys, the names were known too and she was totally unaffected by a stranger in her private space. Instead she seemed eager to forge a bond with him, her little fingers played with the chain around his neck as he read to her. Soon Noyona walked in with Ayon, and putting him on the bed, she sat down.

    “The kids don’t sleep with you?”

    “No of late I’m trying to make them sleep in a different room. Sooner or later they would have to, and anyway Ayon takes care of her. He is the mature one of the two so I have nothing much to worry! Moreover they have a habit of sneaking into my room in the wee hours of the morning. So that’s how I begin the day. That partly cures my guilt of making them sleep in a different room.” She blabbered nervously.

    He smiled, “A good thing you know… gives you room for some time alone too…” he winked at her and she blushed at his insinuation.

    “I had almost forgotten to ask, do you want something to eat? I haven’t eaten too… “

    “Are you sure it won’t be a problem that I’m here... It’s already around 9pm. I’d hate it if I caused problems for you”

    “No its okay, don’t worry. Can you watch over the kids while I heat dinner? Just sit with them; they will fall asleep on their own,

    “Yeah okay…”

    The moment she asked him to watch over her kids her heart winced. She even in her wildest dreams could have ever imagined that someday life would bring her face to face with him again. She thought that day at the airport was the last she saw of him, the last she would ever see him. But she was wrong. She saw him everywhere, he was ever present, he was there in Ayon, he was there in Ankhi. He was there in her memories. She was a fool to think that she could deceive fate and have the kids all to herself. That someday she would never have to share them with him. A part of her was angry but another part of her understood that there were things that were beyond her.

    With the kids off to sleep, they finally sat down to eat. This entire family scene was getting to her, because she had carefully built her life from scratch and she didn’t want to disrupt any of that with his sudden appearance. But she knew this was temporary, her stint here would last another few days and then they would go back to the life they had embarked together. Then this will be just another memory, a cruel joke by fate
    “So how have you been?” His voice startled her and she broke out of her reverie.

    “I have been fine, with the kids and work. Life is good. So how are things on your end? And Ria?” she smiled weakly.

    “She has been good, grown up and all. Work is good too, I have been busy. Just returned from a trip, and as you can see I’m completely exhausted…”

    There was an eerie silence and unable to bear it any long he asked.

    “So where is he? What does he do? Is it okay that I am here?”

    “It’s fine that you are here. He is not around, never really been around.”

    Something unsettled him and he could just not put a finger on to just what. Then he understood, the unhappiness in her eyes, the lack of smile…. She must have loved him a lot… with that realization came a stab in his gut, she has never really loved him as much. Why would she? I made no promises to her. Maybe he had…

    “So when did you move in to this city? You came here for work?”

    “I came here a couple of months back…for a short time though. Have some assignments to finish.”

    He offered to help in clearing up the table but she would hear none of it. Reluctantly he went and made himself comfortable on the sofa. When she had finished her chores, she came to sit beside him with two bowls of ice cream only to find him fast asleep. The sight was very ordinary for her… she remembered so many such evenings, when they would stay up to talk, make passionate love and then she would watch him sleep. So many years later, she still watched over him as he slept only this time a lot had changed. She tried waking him up fearing that he may have to head home, but after his garbled reply that no-one was expecting him home and that he needed to sleep. She just made him comfortable and pulling a blanket over him and went into her room.

    To be continued…

    Sunday, February 13, 2011

    Half a Life! 2

    With the newly bought suit over one arm, he fished out his cell phone from his pockets.

    “Hey hi…yea I’m at the mall…will take some time…yeah ..okay see you at home for dinner then..where is Ria?... hmm okay.. Do you want me to pick up something??...hmmm .. okay..see you then…bye.”

    And now for a cuppachino…thought Neel as he strode ahead towards the CCD. As he walked in, familiar smell of coffee greeted him. Heavenly! So far he has had a good day, he had bought a book he had wanted for the last few months but couldn’t manage to hit the bookstore for it, he had picked up his suit after much reminders and now sitting at his favorite coffee joint, reading his book and sipping coffee. Coming to the mall alone, was an ultimate escape on a Saturday afternoon to steal sometime away from the regular humdrum of life for himself!
    As the coffee was served he looked up only to see the most adorable sight in the world! Two kids, identical to one another, maximum aged two, sitting on those high stools, taking a dig at the ice-cream and having a gala time half eating, half feeding one another and ending up feeding the bib. Somehow he felt transfixed to the scene, the little girl was having her ice cream with glee, and in the attempt she had some on her nose, her chin and almost all over her tee. The other kid, most probably her brother, was trying vehemently to fix his sister, by wiping her face and feeding her. They looked quite a sight, what was the best part was even though the mother was present at the table, her back towards him, seemed least perturbed by the mess her kids  were making, instead she seemed perfectly happy and at ease. Something about the scene touched his heart, a part of him that he wouldn’t ever acknowledge he had, was alive once again and he winced. The sloppy smile of the little girl, eyes twinkling with naughtiness, the little boys attempts to discipline his sister, the affectionate way in which he wiped her face clean time and time again tugged at his heart. They looked quite a sight but what surprised him was the mother who just sat there quietly drinking her coffee, seeing her kids up to their antics, whipping out her camera now and then to capture the moments but clearly enjoying herself, not once did she reprimand her kids for the mess! Something about her struck him, the way her glasses were perched on her head, her hair, wavy and long...

    Realizing with a start that he had been a voyeur to an extremely private family scene, he decided to get back to his book and to the coffee which was now getting cold! After several attempts at concentrating, he gave up. He felt unsettled, the book didn’t interest him anymore, and somehow the restlessness made him uncomfortable. He got up after paying the bill only to realize the twins had left. He smiled at the half eaten bowl of ice cream, and the two empty coffee cups that lay abandoned on their table. Having remembered that he needed to go to the departmental store, he mentally made a list before stepping into the store.

    With the things he needed he headed towards the counter to get them billed when a squeal of laughter caught his attention and he turned around. It was the twins again, but this time they were perched on the shopping cart with their mother striking things off her list and putting things in the trolley! Do people practice making list these days other than me?! Suddenly he was reminded of her, and her fanatic ways of making ‘to do lists’ to label things in the kitchen; he shook himself out of her reverie, it has been long but her thoughts were still very fresh in his mind and he couldn’t still deal with the fact that she had gone without a trace. He could still remember that last day at the air port; her smiling lopsidedly when they had hugged for the last time then she just turned and walked away. Blocking his mind from her thoughts, he made his way to the counter only to realize that while he was lost in his thoughts, there was a long que which meant some more time to go before his turn!

    The twins and their mother were there in the que too; the little girl was drinking water from her sipper while her brother helped her with it! Their eyes met and he smiled, the girls smiled coyly and he felt his heart melt. The lady in front left to join her son in the other line, so now he had to move a step ahead! So now he was directly behind the twins who by now were engrossed watching the billing being done. With their mothers shopping amounting to two huge bag, he wondered how with two kids would she manage it all. Next was his turn, with just a small bag of shopping to pay for, it didn’t take him long, he turned to find the young mother trying to figure just how to carry her kids and the bags. He strode up to her from behind and offered to help.

    “Here let me help you with the bags?”

    She turned around and for the first time he saw her face and time stilled.

    “Erm … thank you………” She couldn’t complete the sentence…

    “Neel… “

    “How have you been Noyona?”

    Her face white as chalk, as if she was face to face with her worst nightmare, she was visibly shaking. It took her a few seconds to steady herself and she looked up at Neel.

    His expression had changed from initial surprise to happiness and now his face was masked, unreadable almost as if he was mighty pissed about something. To avoid any kind of conversation, she said.

    “Hey I really think I should go…. it’s getting late!”

    “Where do you think you are going?”

    “’s getting late… it’s time for the kids to eat…”

    “I will drop you.”

    “No thanks… I’ll take a cab… it’s not a big deal. I can manage”

    “Who are you kidding Noyona, with two huge bags of shopping and two kids. Let me help you and don’t be stubborn. Here let me help you!”

    Angry and dejected that she lost this round of argument, she followed him with Ankhi and Ayon in her arms. She couldn’t believe fate could be so cruel to her. After all these years, she was back in the city for a short stint and of all people she had to bump into Him!

    “So where do you stay?”


    “Noyona stop acting dumb, I’m not going to rape you… I merely asked you where you stay so that I can drop you!”

    Having directed him to her house, something she totally hated! Now he knows where I live, she thought angrily! Soon the car pulled in front of her house, and the gate keeper came and helped her with her bags. She got off the car and turned to face him.

    “Thank you, I appreciate it… “

    “Cut it out Noyona…. Take care…”

    With that he drove away! Leaving her confused and angry… Life was playing games with her once again but only this time she will have her way! She hugged her kids closer and stepped into the elevator.

    To be continued...

    Saturday, February 12, 2011

    Half a Life!

    “Baby… “

    “hmm.. ??”

    “I love you…”

    “I love you too…” she smiled and closed her eyes and let her mind drift. She knew that they had created something beautiful together and the joy was exquisite. With the joy came a sizzling pain, she knew the time had come to choose her path, however painful it may be, it was in her crazy way the only way she could keep him in her life. She flicked the button on her cellphone, 2am… they had exact 12 hours together. She said a silent prayer, God let me live my entire lifetime in these 12 hours the rest I will accept wholeheartedly.

    Before even opening his eyes, he could feel her snuggling up to him, he could smell her shampoo, her soft skin against his, her face nuzzling in his chest, he knew this was bliss but reality was never far away. He opened his eyes and his gaze fell on their reflection on the mirror, they looked a very happy and loving sight and he knew in the madness called life this will always keep him going.

    The car pulled up at the airport, she fetched the trolley while he got her luggage off. Their eyes met and they smiled, she had a calm look on her face, her smile was slightly sad but a lot peaceful, he coulnt put his finger onto what exactly but something was amiss, and a dread filled him, gripping him making it difficult for him to breathe. But he knew things were okay, she still wore the ring he had given her, they had made love fervently an hour or so back, all consumed by the millions of emotions coursing through them, as if to make up for the next few months. Then why was there a sense of loss, why was her eyes so veiled? Her smile never really reached her eyes. Maybe I’m thinking too much, it’s just a figment of our imagination I’m sure, he thought as he wheeled her trolley to meet her near the gate. There was still sometime before her boarding, and he intended to make the most of it.

    “Have you taken everything? What about the book you were reading the other night? And the tee? And hey I forgot about the pill! Make sure you get it, the first thing you touch down okay.. and I don’t want to hear any excuses… get me? Noyona are you even listening??”

    She smiled and she couldn’t help even at a crucial moment like this. How could she not? This is like a routine for them now, forgetting about the cares and the worries of the world, they united time and time again. Caution was never on their mind. But instead of fretting this one time she was secretly overjoyed, she knew that the knowledge was for hers to keep. This was just hers and she did not have to share it with anyone, not even him. That filled her with a sense of satisfaction, she smiled at God knowing this one time she beat him to it, and that this one time, she will have her way!

    “They have just announced boarding, I think I need to go. But there is something I need you to know… No matter where I am, what I do, you will always be loved and missed. You will exist as the most important part of my life, the reason for my existence and as the love of my life and no one can change that…”

    He stared at her, his heart sinking. Her eyes had no tears or emotions no glimpse of the girl he had fallen in love with. She now filled him with a sense of numbness, fear gripping him in anticipation of her few words.

    “Neel I have loved you like I haven’t anyone. I have been there for you selflessly but this one time I want to be selfish, I want to live for myself. I want a direction to my life and I want permanence! When we met, I never asked for any promises and you gave none, and that holds true even now, just that I cant live half a life! We have everything going for us, but there is always going to be something we will never have, because we were never meant to, no matter how much we deny that. I cant carry on this charade and all I ask you now is to let me go!

    She was shaking, she couldn’t believe she had finally said those words but as soon as she said it she felt confidence and a sense of surety fill her. She looked up and saw him looking at her with eyes brimming with love and her heart ached.

    “I knew I would have to let go but the day would come so soon I never knew. Know that I have always loved you Noyona!”

    “I know and I love you too!” with that she hugged him, holding him tight against her, she wanted to tell him out aloud but she couldn’t. Before she moved away from him the one last time, she gently kissed him and she closed her eyes, to capture this feeling for a lifetime! Her thoughts were haywire! Forgive me Neel, I have let you down and now I’m taking away a part of you without your knowledge!

    She hugged him one last time and then she turned away without looking at him and walked towards boarding counter. She knew she was leaving behind an important part of her life, she knew she was taking an enormous step which entailed a lot of responsibility, something that would change her life forever. But she smiled, she had a secret and she knew that it would see her through all the troubles that life may hurl at her.

    To be continued...

    Wednesday, February 09, 2011

    I, Me and Myself!

    Ten How's?  

    1.How did you get one of your scars?
    I fell off my cycle trying to avoid a mad dog!
    2. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
    I cried myself to sleep the night before, sulked the entire day, starved myself, felt shitty, and eventually went to sleep thankful that the dreaded day was over and I was a year older!
    3. How are you feeling at this moment?
    As if a part of me has been amputated. Numb!
    4. How did your night go last night?
    I cooked some, read some more, worked until I was too exhausted and fell asleep.
    5. How did you do in high school?
    I was elected the school captain for four years, had great set of friends, got decent grades and school life was blissful
    6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
    It’s a brown kurta and it was gifted to me by a friend.
    7. How often do you see your best friend(s)
    Once a year if we can manage, we live in different cities! : (
    8. How much money did you spend last month?
    Lets not even go there, I spent an obscene amount getting gifts for people at home.
    9. How old do you want to be when you get married?
    I wont if I can help it, or if I find someone who can convince me otherwise.
    10. How old will you be at your next birthday?

    Nine What's?

    1. Your mothers name? 
    Ruby Majumdar
    2. What did you do last weekend?
    A report on Nokia
    3. What is the most important part of your life?
    I don’t think I know anymore but I guess it has to be my parents
    4. What would you rather be doing?
    Erase memories!!
    5. What did you last cry over?
     6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
    I remember him smiling
    7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? 
    Maturity and sensitivity.
    8. What are you worried about?
    If I will ever get over love!
    9. What did you have for breakfast?
    Egg sandwich

    Eight you’s?

    1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
    2. Have you ever had your heartbroken?
    3. Have you ever been out of the country?
    No, but someday for sure!
    4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
    Too many to remember!
    5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
    6. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
    Naah… but nice prospect though! *wink*
    7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
    8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
    Like always! : )
    Harry Potter Books, Mills and Boons, basically anything I can lay my hands on and that interests me.

    Seven Who's:

    1. Who was the last person you saw?
    Sree, my colleague
    2. Who was the last person you texted?
    A friend
    3. Who was the last person you hung out with?
    Has to be that friend again!
    4. Who was the last person to call you?
    5. Who did you last hug?
    6. Who is the last person who texted you?
    7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?

    Six Where's:

    1.Where does your best friend(s) live?
    My support systems live in Ranchi, Mumbai, Delhi and Kolkata
    2. Where did you last go?
    For a drive
    3. Where did you last hang out?
    Commercial Street
    4. Where do you go to school?
    I went to school, Loreto Day school, Kolkata.
    5. Where is your favorite place to be?
    6. Where did you sleep last night?
     In my bed.
     Five Do's:

     Do you think anyone likes you?
     Don’t really care.
    2. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
    3. Do you know the muffin man?
    4. Does the future scare you?
    No, uncertainty does.
    5.Do you love yourself?

    Four Why's:

    1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
    She accepts me for who I am, never minces her words, and is there for me unconditionally.
    2. Why did you get into Blogging?
    To air my opinions, to express and to preserve my sanity.
    3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
    I was born on a fullmoon night hence my Granny named me such. And I do by the name Phoenix because I believe in rising from the ashes.
    4. Why are you doing this survey?
    Because a beautiful person tagged me! : )

    Three if's:

    1. If you could have one super power what would it be?  
    Re-write my life!
    2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? 
    Yes I would, I would learn to life for myself!
    3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring?
    My laptop and datacard!


    1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
    2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
    Without a doubt!

     One Last Question:

     1. Are you happy with your life right now?
    No I am not but I am trying to discover reasons to be happy! 
     I tag all those who are reading this one! :)

    Sunday, February 06, 2011

    Love or something like it?

    Since it’s the season of love, I thought I ll have a relook at the last 7 years of my life and its brush with love.  You must be wondering why? Well it’s just because I want to do away with the freaking notion of love and the popular perception of me as the girl who had it all. Okay I am a bit upset… not make that a lot…but hell its my blog right… so I do get to rant. So scoot while you still can.

    I have always been a girl who didn’t really want love. She read tons and tons of sappy sordid novels, which talked about a perfect guy, problems and love triumphing it all. Okay the perfect guy bit screwed up with my system but I could care less because I was happy in my own little world. Then came this silly neighbor who played the guitar, well he pretended to at least to get my attention. It was rocky and rather childish and after  a year of torment of thinking about the reasons why we care the way we do I knew I could do without with the thing called love. Specially I could do without someone who would not use me, who would be my friend who would love me as much as I did. So what happened? From the girl who had a semi relationship, to the one who found someone who convinced her that life is all about giving a chance, to risk it, to allow love to brighten the day. So after sis months of constant wooing, of contemplating love, I finally gave in but with just one aim, come what may this should last. The rest is history, if you have hung around this blog for the last 5 years of my writing it, you pretty much know everything. 

    Then things fell apart. And I finally mustered the courage to walk away from something I gave my life to. And I know I did the right thing. Its been sometime, seven months to be exact and frankly I had lost track of time until now. Whenever I looked back, I did so with a smile, lovingly remembered all those beautiful moments, of times that was but that would never be, not with bitterness but with affection. But now I know its not, it never was pure and unadulterated love that I thought it was in the first place. That frankly took the wind out of my sails. And im not sure what love is anymore. Imagine what a fool I was to stick to a blind belief, going against the better judgment of loved ones to side without what I truly believed in, only to be told by the one that love wasn’t there, what was attraction and desire. So my notion of love and commitment kinda died a million times. 

    So what is love?  Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is to give my all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts we think is not relevant. Its to share, to love as much as to lower one defences to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why wont it, its not easy to love someone and know he is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is to be just not meant to be. But at the end of the day, I know I love Him enough for the both of us. So what I cant have a good nights sleep because His face is a constant dream that I see, so much that im paranoid at the thought of sleep. So what if my heart wrenches because my life feels empty without Him. Every morning my heart lurches painfully knowing He is not here and is never meant to be. Memories are all that I have but memories at times makes it difficult to breathe. No matter how much I smile, no matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with; I just miss Him, so much so that I want to give up everything in life and succumb to despair. But I know love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back. 

    Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!
    I have found love in the unlikeliest of places in unlikeliest of person and even though I am not destined to have a ‘happily ever after’ with Him, my love for him gives me reason enough to scare the blues away and fight life, because what is life without love! Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)