Sunday, February 06, 2011

Love or something like it?

Since it’s the season of love, I thought I ll have a relook at the last 7 years of my life and its brush with love.  You must be wondering why? Well it’s just because I want to do away with the freaking notion of love and the popular perception of me as the girl who had it all. Okay I am a bit upset… not make that a lot…but hell its my blog right… so I do get to rant. So scoot while you still can.

I have always been a girl who didn’t really want love. She read tons and tons of sappy sordid novels, which talked about a perfect guy, problems and love triumphing it all. Okay the perfect guy bit screwed up with my system but I could care less because I was happy in my own little world. Then came this silly neighbor who played the guitar, well he pretended to at least to get my attention. It was rocky and rather childish and after  a year of torment of thinking about the reasons why we care the way we do I knew I could do without with the thing called love. Specially I could do without someone who would not use me, who would be my friend who would love me as much as I did. So what happened? From the girl who had a semi relationship, to the one who found someone who convinced her that life is all about giving a chance, to risk it, to allow love to brighten the day. So after sis months of constant wooing, of contemplating love, I finally gave in but with just one aim, come what may this should last. The rest is history, if you have hung around this blog for the last 5 years of my writing it, you pretty much know everything. 

Then things fell apart. And I finally mustered the courage to walk away from something I gave my life to. And I know I did the right thing. Its been sometime, seven months to be exact and frankly I had lost track of time until now. Whenever I looked back, I did so with a smile, lovingly remembered all those beautiful moments, of times that was but that would never be, not with bitterness but with affection. But now I know its not, it never was pure and unadulterated love that I thought it was in the first place. That frankly took the wind out of my sails. And im not sure what love is anymore. Imagine what a fool I was to stick to a blind belief, going against the better judgment of loved ones to side without what I truly believed in, only to be told by the one that love wasn’t there, what was attraction and desire. So my notion of love and commitment kinda died a million times. 

So what is love?  Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is to give my all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts we think is not relevant. Its to share, to love as much as to lower one defences to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why wont it, its not easy to love someone and know he is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is to be just not meant to be. But at the end of the day, I know I love Him enough for the both of us. So what I cant have a good nights sleep because His face is a constant dream that I see, so much that im paranoid at the thought of sleep. So what if my heart wrenches because my life feels empty without Him. Every morning my heart lurches painfully knowing He is not here and is never meant to be. Memories are all that I have but memories at times makes it difficult to breathe. No matter how much I smile, no matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with; I just miss Him, so much so that I want to give up everything in life and succumb to despair. But I know love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back. 

Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!
I have found love in the unlikeliest of places in unlikeliest of person and even though I am not destined to have a ‘happily ever after’ with Him, my love for him gives me reason enough to scare the blues away and fight life, because what is life without love! Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)


Sorcerer said...

wow!! That was a pretty nice read.
You said the truth about the emotion called 'love'.

Anwesa said...

**Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love.

You said it all here. A nice post from you :)

Anushree said...

good really is a complicated emotion!!

Neeha said...

I liked the phrase 'Love to me is to give my all to that one person.'
It's undeniable truth & no matter whether the person we love deserves it or not.But if we are in love we feel the same way.

Preetilata【ツ】 said...

you need no Valentines Day to do it!..... cheers to this :)

for sure, your are loved by me for no particular reason. :)

S@n@ said...

aww...thats so much filled with truth in it,i agree with every inch of wat u wrote.
love needs no specific days to be celebrated on.

Sumit said...

That is a lot of thought being put in there. IMHO, Love is but a wrapper which the society uses to define a set of emotions in its various forms. The components of this interesting set of emotions is: Lust, Passion, Respect, Care, Happiness(and thus sadness), Joy (and thus sorrow). This list is not exhaustive and am sure I have missed quite a few. But all these components have to exist to a greater or lesser extent, which would explain how some love a person who is most abusive to them, how some can love without expectation, how some love with blinding passion bordering on obsession... the list goes on. Anyhoo, that's it from me on this subject then else I'll start drifting which isn't a good idea :)

A stange thing about love though is it can make you feel like a 9 year old on a sugar rush, make you jabber in a manner worse than a monkey, suddenly you are witty and yet do manage the foot in mouth feat... its a fun thing to experience now and then.

Freelancer said...

words have no meaning....and i am at a loss for words...

what you wrote are not just your words...thanx for sharing your feelings....

Love - tiny word, mega emotion

god bless you

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Perhaps, you took the right tonic out of a heart break, to learn and grow.
But I still won't believe you when you say that you don't expect it back. What if I quantified eternity, and said it won't be yours eternally. Won't you forfeit? If you can tell it to yourself, that you won't at any point of time, then bless you. You'll find someone true and never be alone.

Blasphemous Aesthete

Phoenix said...


:) im glad you enjoyed reading!


:) im trying to honor my word to you.. by remaining faithful to blogging!


Tell me about it! :P :)

@ Neeha


@ Preetilata

Hey I love you too! I hope you know that?!

@ Sana

Thanks... I ll surely visit.. do drop by often! :)

@Sumit Da

While I agree with you on most of what you said but yes for me, strangely, the saint in me has been awoken I donot expect...maybe because i knew the scores from the begining and I had made peace with it... obsession? well yea its a different kind... :)

@ Freelancer

thanks for visit.. your comments mean much! :)

@ Blasphemous Aesthete

Like I said... maybe because I knew the scores before I kinda fell in love it doesnt matter...maybe because i feel territorial..whats never mind i wont expect? what if its my way of getting back at him of not wanting him despite loving him? what if i feel secure with my feelings for him that i donot need him for myself?

but having said all this... even in the weakest moment...when despair comes crashing down... i donot expect or want him for myself... it has never really happened and having passed the recent test i dont think its likely too as well! :)

The Silhouette said...

Hey, Hi
so much said and done in the name of love...Love can be an instant or may even be a lifetime...what love is, one may never know, what love leads to, one may never guess, what it is to be loved, a few may tell, but what it is to love, many would say yess...

Love is that which gives, without wanting anything back, to give out our whole being unconditionally...and feel contended just by their happiness...
its divine...its bliss...

its something more than a mere emotion, its something that makes one feel all the emotions at once...

so much said and done, in the name of love, yet so much remains, to be said and done...

The Silhouette...