Since it’s the season of love, I thought I ll have a relook at the last 7 years of my life and its brush with love. You must be wondering why? Well it’s just because I want to do away with the freaking notion of love and the popular perception of me as the girl who had it all. Okay I am a bit upset… not make that a lot…but hell its my blog right… so I do get to rant. So scoot while you still can.
I have always been a girl who didn’t really want love. She read tons and tons of sappy sordid novels, which talked about a perfect guy, problems and love triumphing it all. Okay the perfect guy bit screwed up with my system but I could care less because I was happy in my own little world. Then came this silly neighbor who played the guitar, well he pretended to at least to get my attention. It was rocky and rather childish and after a year of torment of thinking about the reasons why we care the way we do I knew I could do without with the thing called love. Specially I could do without someone who would not use me, who would be my friend who would love me as much as I did. So what happened? From the girl who had a semi relationship, to the one who found someone who convinced her that life is all about giving a chance, to risk it, to allow love to brighten the day. So after sis months of constant wooing, of contemplating love, I finally gave in but with just one aim, come what may this should last. The rest is history, if you have hung around this blog for the last 5 years of my writing it, you pretty much know everything.
Then things fell apart. And I finally mustered the courage to walk away from something I gave my life to. And I know I did the right thing. Its been sometime, seven months to be exact and frankly I had lost track of time until now. Whenever I looked back, I did so with a smile, lovingly remembered all those beautiful moments, of times that was but that would never be, not with bitterness but with affection. But now I know its not, it never was pure and unadulterated love that I thought it was in the first place. That frankly took the wind out of my sails. And im not sure what love is anymore. Imagine what a fool I was to stick to a blind belief, going against the better judgment of loved ones to side without what I truly believed in, only to be told by the one that love wasn’t there, what was attraction and desire. So my notion of love and commitment kinda died a million times.
So what is love? Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is to give my all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts we think is not relevant. Its to share, to love as much as to lower one defences to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why wont it, its not easy to love someone and know he is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is to be just not meant to be. But at the end of the day, I know I love Him enough for the both of us. So what I cant have a good nights sleep because His face is a constant dream that I see, so much that im paranoid at the thought of sleep. So what if my heart wrenches because my life feels empty without Him. Every morning my heart lurches painfully knowing He is not here and is never meant to be. Memories are all that I have but memories at times makes it difficult to breathe. No matter how much I smile, no matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with; I just miss Him, so much so that I want to give up everything in life and succumb to despair. But I know love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back.
Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!
I have found love in the unlikeliest of places in unlikeliest of person and even though I am not destined to have a ‘happily ever after’ with Him, my love for him gives me reason enough to scare the blues away and fight life, because what is life without love! Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)