Monday, May 30, 2011

On why marriage is not for me


 As we grow up we realize that there is something called contradictions. While you may love something, it may not be the right thing for you. Every good guy is not the perfect guy for you. That relationship which has given you a sense of completion is not the one to last you a lifetime. Morbid thoughts to many I know but think over it.

I have a beautiful set of parents who have been married blissfully for a period of 35 years. They have stuck it out through thick and thin, through those rough patches, they have fought hard, something’s with others sometimes with each other to keep the family together. Born out of immense love and a youthful romance, my parents to me are how marriages should be. I have a lot of examples of enduring marriages, some not so good ones but mostly ones that make you admire the strength two people have to keep things going for them. Donot frown upon me, I used to think being married to someone is a natural thing but now I realize otherwise. Most often we ignore the obvious; marriages are about accepting another person in your life for the most trivial things. Like while doing your own laundry you now do his too, you take into account his likes or his dislikes, if he likes to sleep on the left of the bed, you adjust and take to the right. If you are used to plugging your ipod first thing in the morning, now you sit with him with the first cup of tea. All of you who are married or had flatmates or roommates or even lived in would know what i mean.
  

I have nothing against marriages. I think it’s beautiful to be able to allow a person (preferably one whom you love, or someone you grow to love eventually) into your life. Trust me its not an easy proposition. I don’t have fear of my guy cheating on me because somewhere I know there are things that are beyond us, everything is not black and white, and then there is the grey areas too, and then there are things that are way beyond us, they may not be fair but that’s how it is meant to be! Other than having very strong intimacy issues which i think stems from the fact that i need to love and trust a person fully before getting married and I cannot get married because it is the right time to take the plunge.

Another reason why I think marriage is not for me is because I find it hard to allow another person to be a part of my daily existence!  I have never had to share my life with anyone till date. By the time I was growing up, my sister was married and long since gone so i basically grew up like an only child. It was only when i went to hostel i realized what my actual habits were like, my likes and dislikes, what totally pisses me off. Then i stayed on my own on my own terms so I never really accommodated anyone in my life. And now with friends getting married around me, I sit back and think and I shudder at the prospect of sharing my life with anyone. I maybe stubborn, unable to adjust to another human being, I’m a cleanliness freak, an utterly clumsy person; I cannot be dominated, and I’m totally obstinate. It would be a torture for anyone to be around me and deal with me day in day out. I wonder how our parents do it and do it so seamlessly. 

No I haven’t gone mad it’s just that marriage is the current favourite topic of discussion for my relatives who want me to get married early in life to avoid complicated pregnancies. Imagine, here i am whose life has not even started. I am too young to get married let alone think of having a baby and my relatives are planning my entire life for me! So much for being a family!! How do i tell them that i don’t have it in me anymore to give my all to anyone? How do i say i don’t have anything against marriage except that it is not meant for me! How do I explain that i am happy with who i am and i don’t feel the need to have a guy to complete me. Happiness and peace is within us and we need to find it to have a wholesome existence!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Desire

kiss me
touch me..
take me higher

brand me
love me..
be my desire

hold me
mould me
take me to completion..

caress me
take me
make me yours..

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Anguished Soul

I strive each day
To be there
To make life
So much better for you!

I toil hard
To bring a smile
To make you feel loved
To make life easier for you!

I fight with myself
To put you before me
To selflessly give
To make life comfortable, just for you!

I chide myself
To be perfect
To do things
Just to please you!

Few words of appreciation
A smile for reward
An approving look
Is all that I desire!

I love, I cry
I give, I die
Some more each day,
When no matter what I do
I am unable to be
What you want me to be.

I hate, I loath
I rebuke, I blame
Myself, for not being good enough
For my gestures leave no imprint
My love goes unnoticed
Even my efforts go waste!

Tears have long since dried
Leaving behind a soggy stain
Heart is pained
Knife twists in my gut.
Not being good enough is such a bane!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Tranquil Thoughts

Even when I'm with you
When I'm blissfully at peace
When life feels complete 
I'm painfully aware of the transiency of it all
I memorize your smile
I drink in the moment
I live like there is no tomorrow
For there will be a tomorrow 
When you will be gone
And these moments will be there no more..
And I know I fear not that day.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dard-E-Dilli

People have a lot of ideas about life, it is when they experience them first hand, then they realize how true or false it is. Such is the case with me. I had looked forward to my coming to Delhi as an escape to a whole new world. It took me 24 hours to realize how wrong I was. No offence to all Delhi-ites... Delhi has a lot of things going for them like the swanky metro and the way they manage the entire travelling scenario, it is something  I will look up to them for.. But there are other startling facts that are so hard to ignore. 

People are so fake and pseudo, show-off is written all over them. I had my first brush with Delhi-ites was during my flight... two middle aged gentlemen were cribbing about how people lower in social ladder own Skoda or Verna, these gentlemen claim proudly that they have never been on the metro but claim that it must be good for the middle class or the lower middle class.. Today morning when I went out for a walk I witnessed a brawl in the streets, it was raining blows and abuses... abuses I had never heard of in this lifetime :D and why? The newspaper boy accidentally scraped by this another street boy while cycling.

Metro was a wonderful experience. I was on my own in a new city for the first time, previously my house was always right next to my office so I never had the problem to adjust or find my way and Dad was always there to settle me down but this one time I did things on my own. It was both liberating and quite intimidating. Metro connectivity has surely done a world’s good to all Delhi-wallas and its gratifying to say the least. But what was jarring was the men in Delhi who are positively leach, with X-ray vision, stripping the girl with their eyes and have no shame when caught staring. They lurk everywhere in the vestibules of the ladies compartments, in shops, cafes and platforms, they are everywhere and it’s unnerving and totally intimidating. Girls are no less, I was in this coffee shop when the girls at the next table were heard boisterously claiming... " I have 14 cards including debit and credit card... I always get confused which one to use, I think I will use the HDFC card today, its blue and matches with my outfit" ..Followed by peals of giggles!! Before I forget Delhi summers are terrible, I feel like I have ropes for hair because it gets dry and dirty in no time, skin needs constant moisturizing because of the dryness and even the nights are not comfortable!! Bangalore I so miss you!! :( *sob* *sob*

Anyway all is not bad the best part about Delhi is Preeti Di... you may know her as Preetilata.. she is just there and the knowledge makes me feel lonely no longer. We have planned tons of shopping expeditions and host of other things hopefully we will implement these plans once I am back. O yea! There are tons of places like Janpath, where you get amazing clothes at dirt cheap and you need to bargain like hell. This summer dress which was quoted to me at 750/- miraculously was priced at 200/- when I started moving away! Then there is Sarojini and host of other places. If you are a silver junkie then Delhi Haat is your nemesis.. Silver stuff there is pretty to the core but burns a hole in your pocket! And the only other good thing that Delhi has is al least you understand what people are talking and finding your way out is not that big a deal!  

Enough of bashing and bitching, its not all that bad. The initial transition phase is really tough, hopefully I will be able to pen down tons of fabulous stuff about Delhi as and when I grow to love it. Ending the post without wishing my hubby is a shame so here goes.. Belated Happy Birthday Anwesa.. I hope you know how much you mean to me. Your silent support is a constant inspiration for me to go on and never give up on blogging, a platform that gifted me you. :) Wishing you lots of love and luck.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Only Memories

How does it feel to be back home after months altogether for not a couple of days, or a rushed stay but for a nice long stretch? relaxation? pure bliss? hell no!! its utter torture!! :) yes yes you heard it right and you can smile a little!

Life has been a roller coaster with it suddenly falling apart like a pack of cards, a brave front and the sheer will to go on kept me going. Suddenly I realized that there is nothing in me anymore that was scared at things not working out, that would be apprehensive of new things, that would be sad for leaving behind people, friends and everything that seemed so near and dear to me. Suddenly it was all gone, as i sat there on the flight with every thing that belonged to me with me, I looked out to the city that is second home to me (and will always be) i felt tears prick me, it was then that apprehensions came in, it was then the heart was ready to give up at the thought i was leaving behind a set life, but what kinda killed me for once i was guilty of leaving behind one person who probably loves me the most in the whole wide world, Someone who has let me down over time, someone who has never been there for me but has loved me madly and deeply. I knew there was no turning back, I had taken a step forward and there is no turning back...

Initial few days in Delhi was awful ( more on that in my next post. O yea there is gonna be other posts and I wont disappear) all i did was cry my eyes out. I didnt like anything nor the people, nor the culture and surely not the place other than the Metro (which is like superb). Securing a job entailed that I plan a trip back home ASAP. And here I am back home, for almost a week now, bored to death, ready to go back, wherever but not here. I'm sorry if it sounds like I hate home. Nope, i dont but overdose of home.. kinda gets to me. The auntys and uncles, the mashi's and meshos, the kakus and kakimas, the relatives calling for you 24*7, meeting with the entire clan, mom yelling at you to get off the phone; kinda gets to you trust me. And to top it off, people freaking you out with talks of marriage!! could it be worse??? yes it could, if you had a distant relative all of 12 years old, following you everywhere, even to the loo, who stares at you while you are asleep, because she wants to see how you look when asleep!!! Nope and my cribbing does not end here... with the mercury rising, the humidity at its all time high and no sign of rains, I had to go shopping to stock up for the next 6 months and trust me it can be taxing.. home for 4 days is ideal... then it becomes one big fat family overdose!! 

Amidst all these i came across a carton full of memories..journals, photographs,letters, scribblings, chocolate wrappers,bus tickets.. memories since the beginning of time.. somewhere i was lost..lost in a forgotten time...a time which slipped through my fingers.. a time which may have been reduced to being just memory but a time which has never lost its splendor.. to be honest sometimes when I see smiling faces of young lovers, of couples celebrating their youthful courtship... it feels as if a knife is twisting in my gut.. I'm reminded that in a months time it would have been 7 long years of togetherness..but not anymore... Sometimes I look back and wonder.. what if I could turn back time...and i am in two minds... You cant have everything in life.. there will always be an either and or situation.. and that choice we have to make no matter how difficult it is...

Life has spun out of control.. way beyond anything I had ever imagined... what was a fairytale is showing its fangs now.. it stings, it kills me some more each day.. its like you see the life you have nurtured with your entire being, fall slowly but surely. It hurts like hell.. in midst of all this mess called life i am discovering the monster that i am.. and the realities of my existence...its an uphill task... will need some getting used to... nothing that is impossible!! :)

Anyway enough of gloomy thoughts on my comeback post... next one is gonna be a Delhi bashing post.. sorry cant help it.. wrote it when i absolutely hated Delhi and i was just new to the city..but couldn't post it!! Hope you are doing fine? Btw i think i have gained some 10kilos since being home.. with all that ghar ka khana and all!! And Oh ya... i will get back to reading and commenting in a few hours time... hope you haven't forgotten me??!! :)