Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Only Memories

How does it feel to be back home after months altogether for not a couple of days, or a rushed stay but for a nice long stretch? relaxation? pure bliss? hell no!! its utter torture!! :) yes yes you heard it right and you can smile a little!

Life has been a roller coaster with it suddenly falling apart like a pack of cards, a brave front and the sheer will to go on kept me going. Suddenly I realized that there is nothing in me anymore that was scared at things not working out, that would be apprehensive of new things, that would be sad for leaving behind people, friends and everything that seemed so near and dear to me. Suddenly it was all gone, as i sat there on the flight with every thing that belonged to me with me, I looked out to the city that is second home to me (and will always be) i felt tears prick me, it was then that apprehensions came in, it was then the heart was ready to give up at the thought i was leaving behind a set life, but what kinda killed me for once i was guilty of leaving behind one person who probably loves me the most in the whole wide world, Someone who has let me down over time, someone who has never been there for me but has loved me madly and deeply. I knew there was no turning back, I had taken a step forward and there is no turning back...

Initial few days in Delhi was awful ( more on that in my next post. O yea there is gonna be other posts and I wont disappear) all i did was cry my eyes out. I didnt like anything nor the people, nor the culture and surely not the place other than the Metro (which is like superb). Securing a job entailed that I plan a trip back home ASAP. And here I am back home, for almost a week now, bored to death, ready to go back, wherever but not here. I'm sorry if it sounds like I hate home. Nope, i dont but overdose of home.. kinda gets to me. The auntys and uncles, the mashi's and meshos, the kakus and kakimas, the relatives calling for you 24*7, meeting with the entire clan, mom yelling at you to get off the phone; kinda gets to you trust me. And to top it off, people freaking you out with talks of marriage!! could it be worse??? yes it could, if you had a distant relative all of 12 years old, following you everywhere, even to the loo, who stares at you while you are asleep, because she wants to see how you look when asleep!!! Nope and my cribbing does not end here... with the mercury rising, the humidity at its all time high and no sign of rains, I had to go shopping to stock up for the next 6 months and trust me it can be taxing.. home for 4 days is ideal... then it becomes one big fat family overdose!! 

Amidst all these i came across a carton full of memories..journals, photographs,letters, scribblings, chocolate wrappers,bus tickets.. memories since the beginning of time.. somewhere i was lost..lost in a forgotten time...a time which slipped through my fingers.. a time which may have been reduced to being just memory but a time which has never lost its splendor.. to be honest sometimes when I see smiling faces of young lovers, of couples celebrating their youthful courtship... it feels as if a knife is twisting in my gut.. I'm reminded that in a months time it would have been 7 long years of togetherness..but not anymore... Sometimes I look back and wonder.. what if I could turn back time...and i am in two minds... You cant have everything in life.. there will always be an either and or situation.. and that choice we have to make no matter how difficult it is...

Life has spun out of control.. way beyond anything I had ever imagined... what was a fairytale is showing its fangs now.. it stings, it kills me some more each day.. its like you see the life you have nurtured with your entire being, fall slowly but surely. It hurts like hell.. in midst of all this mess called life i am discovering the monster that i am.. and the realities of my existence...its an uphill task... will need some getting used to... nothing that is impossible!! :)

Anyway enough of gloomy thoughts on my comeback post... next one is gonna be a Delhi bashing post.. sorry cant help it.. wrote it when i absolutely hated Delhi and i was just new to the city..but couldn't post it!! Hope you are doing fine? Btw i think i have gained some 10kilos since being home.. with all that ghar ka khana and all!! And Oh ya... i will get back to reading and commenting in a few hours time... hope you haven't forgotten me??!! :)


Felicity said...

You should write more often ... I miss reading your posts. :)

Anwesa said...

Ah ! lots of info....lots of confusion...You in Delhi ? Bangalore ? Lots to ask, but I can wait for your next post.

Meanwhile take care and be good :)

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

I do feel the same, and guess what I have almost 3 months to kill at home with a reeeeealy slow internet.

Don't worry, I'll live :D

Blasphemous Aesthete