Thursday, July 28, 2011

Ashamed

I sit sipping my cuppa at office. Another new day but the mess remains the same. I dont want to feel angry at life, i dont want to feel bad because things happened the way they did. Yes things are messed up. Beyond anything I know. I have been wronged and in turn I have wronged too. Today when I see someone, someone whom I used to hold dear go through the same things as I did, my heart lurches I know how painful the feeling is. Nothing one can say can ever make you feel better. And the shittiest realization of all is I who has suffered a similar thing has inflicted the same hurt and pain on other. Is there any forgiveness for it? No there shouldn't be. I dont deserve it as well.

Its sad how i pined, agonized, ran behind quicksand not bothering to hear painful wails, silent mourning of the one who willingly gave me up to the fate I choose. And today when all there remains is a heap of broken dreams, anguished memories and a Ghost of me whom I cant recognize, repentance comes easy to me. There can be no mercy, no respite. I accept it, I accept my fate. I let go because that is the best for you. You are far too good to deserve me.


I wanted to tell you how sorry i am for everything. For bringing you so much pain that I will understand you if you dont want to love again. Im sorry for ignoring the love I saw in your eyes. I went the way I wanted. I did what my heart desired not caring about you. I wish I could make it all right but I think it is a bit too late. And I want you to have the best in life and not me, because I know i dont deserve you. I have been afraid. Afraid of loving you, of you thinking I am not good enough. I was afraid of our life falling apart again. I was afraid of your rejection. Now that you are gone, the memories haunt me, the desire to be yours rips me apart. But I know this is how it is meant to be, I wont say this to you and let you down again.

Just know that I am sorry and I am ashamed of what I did. I wish I could take away your pain and make you feel whole again, I wish....

4 comments:

BlahBlaholic ♥ said...

Erm not to sound like a know-it-all or something but sometimes telling the person all that u really want really helps! Like e-mailing or just telling them that u know,I know u might hate me but just listen to what I am saying for 5 mins and then say all that u want and in the end just say that you know,this may not change things and will not definitely take away the pain I've caused but i wanted you to know!!
BTW I'm just saying! :)

Phoenix said...

BlahBlaholic ♥

hey its fine... you have an opinion.. and its something that has been on my mind... maybe once i have made up my mind and sorted out things from my end i will do what you have mentioned...because for me that makes sense... :)

thanks for the words...good to know someone seconds you...

☆ Rià ღ said...

Yes i wud say the samething...u shud talk to this person. I knw its difficult to go bck in time n fix things but its never to late to ask for forgiveness...that is when u can truly move on.

BlahBlaholic ♥ said...

I'm glad it made sense :)
Yeah,I always feel like doing and then I'm like isn't it too late? But it's never too late. So yeah, good luck with that :)
And take care !