Monday, November 28, 2011

Home is where the heart is

Jo bhi main

Kehna chahoon
Barbad kare..
Alfaz mere
Alfaz mere.........

Kabhi mujhe
Lage ki jaise
Sara hi yeh
jahan hai jaadu
Jo hai bhi aur
Nahi bhi hai yeh
Fiza, Ghata, Hawa, Baharein
Mujhe..
Kare..
Ishare yeh..
Kaise..
Kahoon
Kahani main innki......

Do you know that there maybe times when you long for something with every fibre of your existence and when you actually have it you may feel a sense of loss? The feeling is not unknown to me. funny thing this heart is... why does it keep longing for things, places and people?

I have been longing for my second home a lot in the past few months, can you guess the place? Bangalore it is... the place is absolutely mystical and i have had too intense an affair with her to never really get over her... love her, hate her but you surely can never get over her. As a student when I was there I would long for home that it kind of overshadowed every possible emotion I may have had for this beautiful city. As my flight took off for home, for what I thought was for good, I knew I was never going to return to it EVER!! Fate always smiles at my silly absurd ways!! For I was back within months.

The next time my flight took off from Bangalore, the thoughts that were rampant was that I will be back, tears were hardly contained, as they fell thick and fast. Over the past few months, i have always let my mind wander, I can almost see myself sitting in the CCD at Cunningham Road, feeling the cold winter wind on my face sipping coffee with Ranjini. I can almost feel that hot gravel beneath my feet as I walked barefoot to ISCKON temple. I can smell the rich smell of coffee as I used to place my order saying "Anna ondu coffee". I remember haggling with the autowallahs "Anna Brigade road Bartira?!" i remember the silent tears, emotions creating a havoc as the heart longed for the One. Now with the longed one around, the realization of impermanence makes me long for the place i call home.

Home is not Kolkata anymore. The room is still mine, I still wake up to my dad's call for "kachouri for breakfast" when I am home. I still sleep on the veranga railing after waking up in the morning. I still sit slouched on the bed frantically flipping channels trying to play memory game with myself trying to remember all the channels. Mom feeds me, dad fusses around, Roshni (my niece) hangs around me as if I will dissapear if she blinks, sister laments on my inactive life, same boring calls to relatives. Yes its home but for holidays.

So what is home? Is it a city?  a house? a place which has your loved ones? The concept of home has been plaguing me like a nightmare that I cannot forget. More than what I am doing with life, where is home is the thought that plagues me. Its not about how many friends you have around, its not about family members you have around, its not about the appliances you have, or the fancy house you have. Its a place you call home, its a shelter, its where you are you, with kohl smudged eyes, chapped lips, stained tee or frayed shorts or face full of black heads. Home is where every chore seems wonderful, every dime saved goes into buying a thing or two, home is where the heart is at peace, the mind is at ease and where fears of tomorrow is laid rest; heartbreaks are acknowledged, demons are fought and won over, in times of strife and failure the phonix rises from its ashes. Home is where the heart is.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Finding Happiness

Okay so i have been down in the dumps and it hasnt been pleasant so far. I havent broken down yet and i am functioning like a zombie of late. I take forever to do the cooking and cleaning bit...i have been called lazy and good for nothing and i fear i may turn into one really someday if i keep going like this. I donot take care of me anymore and sometimes i try and wish my problems away, i sway dangerously close to making new mistakes, i forget to shampoo and take care, i wake up in the middle of the night and find myself talking to the imaginary me justifying everything that i am doing, praying secretly that life sorts itself out.

But amidst the mess i have found something beautiful. The world of blogs that somehow had lost out into my scheme of things. A place that made me feel loved, alive and truly great was shrouded but i have managed to wrestle it out of oblivion. For the first time I found myself feeling grateful and happy in someone else's happiness and I was surprised how the happiness spread, yes longing and a few 'if only's ruled' but then the gratifying feeling was beyond anything. Through the writings you connect, you find commonality, you bridge distances and you know someone new and thus the healing begins.
A big thank you to Ria for her beautiful day to day posts which reinstates hope, faith and primarily love in my life, thank you for lighting up my life! Sulagna im addicted to you, I cant stop myself from reading about you, your family and your lil princess, you have brought alive a part of me I had buried deep within me. thank you!!

I think the first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem and then to forgive yourself. I have made choices, some were well made and some just backfired. If you only give life a chance... it rescues you right back... like said by Rudyard Kipling

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";"


Life movies on and so should we...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Keeping Faith

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So what do you do when you wake up one day and everything that you gave your life to came down crashing to nothingness? It has happened to me twice over but i am still at a loss!! Technically I should be equipped to salvage this situation, but I am not.. I wonder what is it that I should do now? Do I behave like an escapist? Do I sit back and try to find a way out of this mess? Well life is full of options and every option you take will have its pros and cons. So what do you do? You take a chance and hope its the right one. Sometimes you regret taking the chance, you know you dint choose right but you know you tried and sometimes thats all that matters!

As I sit trying to figure out what next I know i am lost... life seems to be going its own way, spinning way out of control. Struggling to stay afloat seems to be a daunting task but trudge along we must because sometimes its the only way we have got left. So what do you really do? You just keep the faith, keep praying for strength to take it all in your stride and keep walking in the hope that the mist will clear and life will present itself in a whole new light once again... So keep breathing.. keep walking... there will be a tomorrow.. there has to be. Keep the faith alive its the only way forward.