Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Two and still counting...

Love, it has been two months. I never knew that this day will come and I will be alive and deal with it unflinchingly! No the sting has not gone, it still hurts, tears do fall incessantly, sometimes without warning and there is not a soul I can turn to for comfort.

Being alive feels so wrong, nothing makes sense. I find it so hard to deal with a life without you. Amidst all the coping with a life without you, on a day to day basis, I had forgotten that this is how life will be from now, till the end of time. I feel so angry at myself for going through things twice over. I replay the events from the beginning of time, over and over again to try and see if a part of me wants to do it any other way. Each time I choose the same path and my trail of thought reaches where I am today. I get more and more angry at myself for it. You have never for once, in the happiest of moments or sad; lost focus of your responsibilities and duties; but here I am, I choose you over me time and again and I fail myself yet again...

I try and think of that day, two years back, when I stood on the platform, watching the train pull away, you stood there looking at me. As I saw the train disappear I felt a part of me die. It was only when I could see the train no more, that the tears finally came. I remember the mail I wrote to you telling you how it was the final goodbye to the most beautiful part of our lives. But then why did I melt down the moment I heard your voice on the phone? Why was I not strong enough to say, it was great when you were there, and now that you are gone I must move on, to be sane, to live. Why did I cling to you, to our memories, memorizing each and every event and capturing them in a journal, keeping 'us' alive? Why was I not strong enough to think about me, my future and walk away from 'us'? Why did I spurn all my friends who told me to move on for my own better future? Why did I go through this, knowing that you will never do the same for me? No, I am not grudging you for it, I never will. You have never given up for me, which means a lot to me, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is not enough.

As I look back, I can't forgive myself for having exposed myself to the same consequence twice over. Where did my practical self go? Why did I not have the strength to put an end to this when I still could and save myself for a lifetime of heartache? Why did I not think things through? Instead I came running back to you at the first opportunity? Why was I always happy with 'now' that 'tomorrow' never made sense to me? Why did I not think about myself for once? I willingly opened myself to some more heartache and more pain except this time the damage was forever. I wonder if I had not come to you, instead dealt with my circumstance, several thousands of miles away from you, would I not have been able to deal with life better, over time? You never led me to believe something that was never there, you never gave me false hopes, I am grateful to you for that. But why did I never question my happiness, my peace of mind, my dignity or my well being? You went away, for the second time, just the way it had been planned, like last time, this time too I saw you leave without a backward glance. Life fell apart for the second time, but I never questioned life, you or even myself about what next? What about me? Like other times I was left behind all alone, dealing with the intense sense of loss. Loss that I now know, I will never be able to survive or get over.

Now all that I see myself is as a broken individual, who is trudging along because she has no other option left. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not knowing better. I don't grudge the beautiful times we spent together, I don't regret the wonderful bond we share, your love encourages me to keep walking, it keeps me alive but the questions rip me apart. I have not a soul to turn to, not even you, somehow existing feels like a charade, I will death to come to me with every step I take. I know I can do better than this but for now, for this moment, pain makes it unbearable to go on.

More strength, God!

Monday, December 03, 2012

Memories of the months gone by...

Memories are what drives me.. it can be in a smell or a season or for that matter a month. I have been honoured by Nimue to take up The Writing Prompt, which is in its third year now. If you want to know more click here. Basically I will write about all the 12 months of the year and the memories attached to it.

Every year I do write "this year that was" well this year it is the same with just a little twist.

January- When I think back, a shudder runs down my spine. I cannot think of one happy moment. It was one of the most difficult phases of my life. I was in between jobs, my parents were worried about my future, there was this huge amount of pressure to give up this independent life and get home. Then there was personal life, even love was not comfort enough, it was beginning to crumble, i knew the end was near and it was a matter of time. I remember those long walks in the park, tears running down my face, silent prayers kept me going, i wanted things to just work out, that was all i needed. January was also a month of false hopes and almost sunrises but nothing materialized.

February- All i really wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to fast forward time, to escape. It was the darkest hour of my life, I was ready to give up. There was this one call from my Dad, then some more to finally get me going and yank out a suitcase, drop things randomly in it, scattered mind, raging emotions and every part of me was ready to give up on life. In the airport, one freak call from I and a new opportunity came in just when life felt so drab. Two weeks home and back to Delhi on a very cold morning, a couple of days of running around, random interviews for one opportunity that finally set the ball rolling. On Valentine's Day I was employed again. On personal front, I knew it was my first and last Valentine's Day that would mean anything. Hardly the kind for overtly romantic things, it was yet another a day with the one I loved the most. A regular day, great conversation, snuggled in the blanket, watching an iconic movie with the one person who means the world, some great wine and a yummy dinner, that is how beautiful my day was and I knew I was happy. That night when I went to sleep I promised myself that nothing would ever take away the essence of love and for whatever happened next, regrets would never ever cast a shadow.

March- Finally I decided to leave the dark past behind and walk ahead with head held high. I got back to work, new friends, new environment, newer challenges. Slowly but steadily I regained my confidence, took up challenges and sailed through some very tricky situations at work, I was learning, growing and I finally left behind the unsure, apprehensive and self doubting me and evolved into someone I used to be.

April- Winter had gone by and summer was here. Life too was taking newer turns. I finally let go of the vagabond me, who was living life as if to suddenly wake up from sleep one day, pack and move to a new city. I knew I would stick around. My state of mind got reflected in the way I dealt with life. I finally got out bought myself a fridge, the first sign that I was willing to give Delhi and life a chance. A trip to Mumbai finally restored the mental peace that was eluding me all this while.

May- While certain things in my life was falling into place, another part of my life was crumbling, the deadline was set and it was the beginning of the end.

June- Summers were here, with the sense of loss looming large over our heads, we knew this was all we could ever have. Love blossomed and happiness reigned in the fake comfort of Now.

July- While a part of me died every day, another part of me was angry at the injustice. There was an intense urge to lash out at the world impulsively to do something drastic. I was trying hard to reclaim an old life. I lived in the false belief that life is all about doing the right thing, I had forgotten how driven I was by emotions. While the heart belonged elsewhere I tried to follow my head.

August- It was a lull before the storm, the knowledge that time was running out was very prominent, no one acknowledged it. Life was a lot blissful on the surface but the storm was simmering within. I was rebellious, I was not willing to lie still and be left behind, I did things just to find the me I had left behind somewhere. The strong and independent individual in me surfaced and slowly I transformed my house into a home. While I was slowly learning not to need the One, I was making peace with the fact that the feelings I felt towards him was for keeps, it was one of the worst emotional roller coasters I have been through.

September- The most dreaded birthday month was here, as always, I knew it will be the worst I will go through and survive. I was hurt by a friend whom I had welcomed in a part of me where not many had an access to. If this was not bad enough, the end was just days away and I felt like I was living a life with a live bomb attached to me, it was as if I could hear the time tick by and nothing I did could make me relax or breathe, by the end of it I wanted the end to come because anticipating the end was like a slow death. On one hand I was making peace with the course my life was taking, I was preparing myself to let go gracefully without a fight. Days trickled by, the end was came and went as suddenly as it had began. I have no clue how I went through what I did. It felt as if I was living my worst nightmare, one that had no end.

October- I have lived this nightmare once before but it had not prepared me for the second onslaught of the same. This was it! I have no clue how I stayed alive, how I have went from day to day doing the daily things. All I can recollect is that I could not sleep for weeks on end. I felt like a dead person walking, nothing made sense. It was only when he reached out, loved me unconditionally, reassured me that I have not been abandoned and that my smiles are important for his well being, that the warmth of his love finally made me fight back with a whole new vengeance. I knew that even though I was broken, I was all that I had left and breaking down was not a luxury I enjoyed. Battered and bruised I got back to life, facing and triumphing challenges with every step.

November- While I survived the day to day things, I realized how much my life has changed and how certain things are for keeps. Like the love I feel for him, the bond we share or the pain that is throbbing and making me aware that I am alive. I went about getting back to life, rearranging it the way it comforts me the most. Most things were materialistic I know but it was the only thing that made me feel whole, the void continues though. It was a month when I also overcame some of the greatest challenges that life threw my way, on my own, and at the end of it I knew I had it in me to take this journey on my own.

December- The realization that 'I'm fine" is just a myth. How can I be fine when the one person who ever means anything to me is not around. I agree this is not one of the most optimistic of thoughts but then this is a phase to fight out the inner demons in my heart and to make peace with realities. It is that time of the year when I need to forgive myself the most, because the harshest of treatments I dished out was to myself. It is a month of self discovery. This year has been the most happy, sad, challenging, painful and fulfilling one of my life; but somewhere this year showed me just how strong I really am. Thus this year will go down as one of the most eventful one in the journey of my life.

When I took up this prompt I did not know the emotional roller coaster it will plunge me into. I was not prepared to revisit the events and memories I had long since buried and left to be forgotten in a dark little corner of my mind and heart. It took me 3 days to finish this post, but I am glad I took this up because by facing what troubled me the most, I have become stronger somehow. 


Monday, November 26, 2012

Reflections

I wake up every morning to the life I had always wanted. Every thing I ever wanted, I have created bit by bit. Be it the curtain or the fridge magnets or the beautiful red duvet I snuggle into. Materialistic? Yes, i would have to agree it is, but then this is a reflection of the intense urge to create home, where ever i am. For a person who has moved from one city to another in search of a better life, love and dreams and have not managed to build a home, to wake up to a tiny pad i call home for almost two years now, this means a lot. You need to be able to feel the excruciating pain which comes with the sense of homelessness to appreciate the wholesome feeling of home, of belonging. For me, my search for home has been satiated, at least for now.

Life has been less than perfect of late but has been pretty fulfilling at the same time. I have lost the One person who stands tall for everything I really ever need in life. A friend, a lover, a confidant, my better half, a shelter and so much more. But in losing Him I found Him anew. Sometimes I do wonder how I managed to adapt to the circumstance that life plunged me into. Why do I allow myself to be happy in temporary happiness and not demand for more? Makes me somewhat demented I guess.. but that is how I am. Probably it keeps me happy and it suits the kind of mindset I have at the moment. I need no commitment, i need no tall proclamations of love, need no guy to accompany to social do's.

 Of late I have been traveling a lot, by a lot I mean by my standards. I have gone home and then to Bombay to V's place. In both of these cases, I was with people i consider close and family, so one would probably feel at home and at a peaceful state of mind. I did too, but for a few days, 3 days to be exact. After the initial euphoria dies down, I have this insane urge to escape, it is as if I am claustrophobic and I need an escape from people, I hate talking to anyone on the phone, conversing for a few moments fatigues me. The only person I seem to be able to tolerate or seamlessly adapt is Him. I dont exactly know what is wrong with me, I guess it has got to do with the fact that I am constantly looking for something, to find a chance to be left alone with my thoughts. This is a stark change from the person I used to be. There was a time when the thought of spending time with myself felt so threatening but now, it just feels great to be able to do things alone.

Nothing beats the great feeling of doing things on my own without having to depend upon others, it also eliminates the option of being let down by people. Not being critiqued for being a klutz for everything I do is a blessing but then again, I am not a klutz when I am alone. There is a strong sense of independence, ruthless, don't care attitude that drives me mostly. Tears come up now and then, but smiles follow soon afterwards, because I know what I don't have is far less than what I have. Most people have what I don't but lack what I have. It is that kind of love I would wish people would have sans the situation I am in.

Thanksgiving went by so here is what I was thankful about this thanksgiving: You, the one who completes me. For being there even when it was most difficult, for caring beyond reason, for loving beyond living, for understanding when things are not hunky dory, for those millions of beautiful memories that keep me company when you are not around. But most importantly, thank you for not giving up on me, for believing in me and for being my reason to smile despite the tears. Love, if only I could gift you the peace that you so long for... for everything else, you have me, for now and always, I am for forever yours to keep...



Friday, November 02, 2012

A month

So it has been a month.

A month of not waking by your side. A month of breathing, walking, going to work, basically staying alive when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. A month of staring at the ceiling sleepless, fighting the thoughts occurring, blinking back tears, battling the memories lurking at every unsuspecting corner, muting the sobs racking my body. A month since I stood at the window, watched you walk away, without a backward glance.

I know, behind the cool and steel like exterior, pain rips you apart, conflicting thoughts and emotions makes your life difficult.Your smile does not reach your eyes anymore. My heart lurches at the thought that life is trying you in the worst possible way. And there is not a thing that I can do to make it better. Life, the way we knew it, the way we wanted it.. isnt it?

A month of existing but not living. A month of meeting over coffee, and then tearing ourselves from each other and going our separate ways. A month of reading the pain in each others eyes, smiles that acknowledged the loss but helpless, lingering touches that try and soothe the pain, leave more yearnings in its wake. A month of battling the demons in the heart, of fighting to celebrate the love and not give in to the pain. A month of us becoming just you and me.  

We have set things right.. then why does living separate lives feel so wrong? Why does the pain not subside? Why is doing simple things that we used to do together so trying?! Why? Why is life not bearable or less vacant?

A month, a year and then a lifetime.. without each other.. are you ready, Love?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Tears and Rain

Each day I inch closer...closer to the end...I wake up with you by my side, I know that time to part has come and that there is no ambiguity this time. Will that dawn be any different, when I wake up and find you gone? Will the tears finally come? Will it fill the void in me? Will it take away my pain? Will it ever make me whole again?

I knew someday this day will come. What I had never foreseen just how much it would kill me to see you gone. A part of me bleeds knowing that soon it is all over, that I will never ever be yours again. I know I will not mourn, for I have been given your presence more than what I deserve. It is time for goodbyes, time to restore you to where you belong, maybe then despite the pain, peace will reign. May be this is the only way salvation will be attained.

It's time to let you go,
time to set you free,
time to give you the life that was yours
It's Time to say Goodbye.




Tears and Rain - James Blunt
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Of friendships and mistakes...

When I wrote about how September is a month of losing I had no clue how many people I would end up losing or just how I will end up at the end of the ordeal. For starters, pain is just blinding.

In the past two days I felt angry, exasperated, almost distraught and lost. My emotions have been all over the place and well I honestly havent been sane. But when realization sunk in, I felt angry not at the friend who managed to just shrug me off and walk away as if nothing as happened but at myself. All these lessons of being hurt and let down, the caution with which I deal with people all have been in vain because at the end of the day I am hurt beyond anything I can imagine while he is just fine.

The way I see friendship, people are not similar, they will have fights, big ones, small ones, good days and bad days but one just gets past all the things because the friendship is important. We understand when our friend needs space, some gentle coaxing, some understanding and sometimes a patient hearing. If we let go without a fight is it then even worth calling friendship?

In the wake of a friendship lost, I allow myself to wonder if I am really responsible for all the chaos that is taking place is my life. Maybe I am the monster who is too idealist, too big a control freak, too moronish to wreck every relationship in my life, including the one relationship I valued. Why else would each and every person who has ever meant anything to me, say the same thing? Why would I keep losing anyone I have ever dared to love?

On the other hand, I feel emotionally paralyzed to even react, tears fill my eyes and fall with abandon when going gets tough, mind goes for a toss. A part of me wants to question if every moment spent smiling together, sharing, bonding ever meant anything? Because the cold blooded and precision with which I was snipped away, makes me feel that those moments were just a farce. I cant help but kick myself for trusting blindly and for being so naive to have allowed a person close enough to hurt me so much that going gets difficult. Maybe this is yet another lesson, yet another cross I have to carry.

I cant control how others choose to react but I can sure keep walking because breaking down has never been an option.


Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Wake up when September ends!


Today is just one of those days when nothing is going right. Tolerance level is zero. I am swinging from highs to lows. Alternating between being hurt, angry, resigning to the pain or being just disillusioned. Damn you! September why do I lose so much when you come along!

Pain slices through me, I let you go bit by bit, tears brim but never slip out. Breathing becomes difficult, as I see you around knowing this is one of the last time.. very last time. I memorize your smile, the way your lips curl up. I read the pain in your eyes, I know you are looking for a sign that I am hurting too, no there wont be any for you to see. No there wont be another time. I keep telling myself, it will stop hurting as I walk on, I will myself to go on; breaking down comes so easy but I know that is not an option I have. Sometimes all I really want to do is to curl up and die, willing the end to come. No I dont do that, I know I have to do this, go through this, because there is no option left. Some more strength God!

This month always brings with it heartache galore... if I am losing you.. I am also questioning who I have become or who I will be when you are gone. While I am losing you.. I am accommodating people in my life once again.. so is it a sign? Or just a survival tactic?

Some tears will remain unshed till you leave.. because you truly deserve a grand farewell  for all the good times we have had...

"Smile because it happened..don't cry because the good times are over, I celebrate because those good times happened!"

Friday, August 03, 2012

End.. the very end


It is all a game. You know there is an end. The journey till the end is what makes this journey unpredictable. You know the pain has to be endured. You know that tears can’t be shed. You know that the heart will be ripped apart. But what you don’t know is how much it will hurt, how much you have to go through till the end comes to you. Will the end then be rejoiced? The rules are the same; the funny part is you enter this game voluntarily. 

The vicious circle of illusion draws you in. You battle with yourself, as illusion and reality blinds you rendering you defenseless and disarming you of your better judgments. You cringe, you weep, you push the emotions away but the harder you strive to stay afloat, the deeper the pit gets, pulling you in. Mirage draws you closer for a hopeless, directionless tomorrow. You stumble, you fall, you reach out but reality seems far ahead.

As the end draws closer, you are almost thankful of the outcome. You know that it was good while it lasted but end is required, even celebrated and has to be accepted despite the painful consequence. The end was always there, just at a distance. The end that was dreaded once, was no longer feared but rejoiced now.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Check the video out here

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember


You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over


But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to kno
w

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though


Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dreary shadows of silence


She lays still, facing the wall on her side. She could hear him breathe, watch a movie intently. She was lying next to the man who meant the world to her. The man for whom she had given up on everything that ever meant anything to her, yet today there was a disconnect. The closeness meant less or nothing to her, his indifference has struck home and she was tired of trying to make it work.The air always felt heavy, even the silence had become uncomfortable. 

Like before, she began her day kissing his forehead lovingly, spending a moment or two longer to see him peacefully  sleeping beside her. She knew that was the only moment he was the most peaceful, that sleeping moment he was hers. She never forgot even for once that soon it would be over. She choose to be a silent bystander because she knew her relationship had gone beyond repair, and that they had become strangers. The cold feeling had gripped her heart but her face never betrayed the turmoil inside.

She knew that someday soon he would wake up and she would not be the one beside him. She knew he would never feel her absence. She knew something’s would always elude her and she waited patiently for the end to come, the end was inevitable. Somewhere deep within the steely walls of her heart she knew that she had given him a part of her soul, something she would never be able to do with anyone. She found solace in the fact that she had loved and lost and that there were never going to be regrets.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Au revoir


There comes a time in our life when we see our life flash before us. In that moment we realize the truth of the situation we are in. All illusions falls apart, those lies we tell ourselves to feel good diminishes into nothingness. And you know it’s time to say goodbye. 

It was a normal argument which took an ugly turn. She felt anger course through her as she saw his face distort as he spew venom at her. She thought like every other fight this too shall pass but she had no clue how one argument would shatter the life she had painstakingly build.

“Whore!! I have never made you feel like one. But you are what you feel inside!” He spat

She trembled angrily and lunged forward. In one swift motion she whipped her palm across his face! It took him a second to recover from the shock of the slap. He rose from the couch, his hands firmly on her throat; he pushed her against the wall with all his might. She fell to her knees as she hit the cupboard, her knees hurt as tears pricked her eyes. She thought she was living a nightmare not realizing that the torture was not over yet. He was back within seconds, he yanked her hair and pulled her back on to her feet and threw her on the bed and strangled her.

As his hands gripped her throat in a vice like grip, she struggled hard to breathe. A dull ache in her head plunged her into a daze like state. She did not fight him. A part of her could not believe that it was the same man whom she loved with her very being who was hurting her. The guy who taught her how to love was the same man who was now hurting her so much that pain blinded her. She heard him saying, “How dare you hit me?! I will kill you. Yes you are a Whore!! You will always be one!” That moment she gave up, gave up on the love, gave up on the desire to live as the torture continued. One hand on her neck, and the other slapping her, she lost track of the number of times he smacked her across her face. She lay still, willing the end to come. It ended almost as soon as it began. A stunned silence reigned. It took her a few minutes to regain her breathing. Tears threatened to spill; broken dreams and shattered heart were all that was left. 

She remembered how he had once told her that she used tears to win an argument. Willing herself not to react, she tried to overcome the wooziness in her head, her eyes barely open, head throbbing painfully, she sat up, wiped the stray tears and made for the door, when a pair of arms stopped and embraced her.
For once she did not melt in the embrace. She did not bury her head in his chest and breathed in his scent as his warmth enveloped her. She recoiled, as if she has been possessed. She tried to tear herself away from him. His voice not registering in her head. She refused to even look at him. The more she begged him to let her go the more he tried to hold her close. All she wanted was to get away from him before he killed her, for her it was all over.



The more she tried to break away the tighter he hugged her. It took her a while to realize that he was not trying to harm her anymore, he was repentant. Tears came, sobs racked his body as she sat still as he hugged her, and not a tear trickled down her face. It took a while for his voice to reach her and there was no comfort. Nothing made the pain easier to bear. 

She knew what happened was in a fit of uncontrolled rage, she knew he did not want to harm her.  He would never have if she had not provoked him. But she knew it was over, they had crossed a line from which there was no return. Things would probably be normal but the scars would remain, as would the horrific memory of what happened, the love was lost forever. 

As tears rolled down his face, and he hung his head in shame, he sat cradling her, rocking her. She wanted to make him feel better, but she felt paralyzed unable to react. She knew all was not well, it never would be. She sat motionless as the tears turned into sobs, loud mournful ones, eyes begging for forgiveness. Hands touching her face tenderly, tracing the invisible scars that may have remained. There was not a single mark on her cheeks or on her throat but her soul was scarred. The realization shook her but the part of her that loved him wholeheartedly was anguished seeing his pain. Slowly, her she raised her arms slowly and hugged him close.

Only then did he break down. Her heart lurched, she hurt seeing him hurt. She rocked him, pacified him that it was fine, she forgave him. But she knew things had changed irrevocably. 

She had forgiven him the moment she had seen regret and repentance in his eyes but she could never live with the fact that loving him also meant giving up on who she was. 

Days later, Noyona pulled the door close behind her. She left her set of keys with the guard and instructed him to hand them over to Niel when he got home from work that evening.

                                                                             ~ *  ~

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Movie Time

I have been watching a lot of movies of late. Blame it on the fact that summers are making my life unbearable in Delhi and lack of entertainment at home. So Saturday mornings, yes you read it right, I get up on time to go for the 10 am screening but before that a breakfast at MacD's is a must. Why morning show? Well it leaves the entire day free to do something creative, getting prime seats is easy and why forget its way affordable. I have been thinking of approaching the Cineplex owners to give me some sort of discount since I am a regular attendee there!! :) I thought what good is it if I dont get to write what I thought of the movie? So here goes some of the reviews of the movies I saw recently.




Shanghai Review

The much hyped movie from Shaghai released with the expectation soaring high. While the movie had some exceptional performance by Abhay Deol and Imran Hashmi, Kalki Kochlin failed to impress. Even Bengali superstar Prosenjit was not utilized to his full potential. Set amidst a political scene the movie was made well and cinematically was a good watch however it failed to make the desired impact. With this movie Dibakar Banerjee has proved that is a capable director who can handle the different genres of film making

My rating 3 and a half stars



Rock Of Ages Review

A musical which  features two of the prominent starts of Hollywood, Tom Cruise and Catherine Zeta Jones, the movie seemed to have garnered a lot of interest among cine goers much before its release. If you are the kind to love musicals then this movie is for you. What the movie lacks is a proper story line, as  it is as predictable as can be. The movie revolves around an aging rock star, a small town girl who loves rock, a young bartender, a journalist, the mayor’s wife, a prostitute, the scheming manager, and the two gay love birds who run the famous Bourbon Room CafĂ©. The movie is about the travails of these characters and how their lives entwine.

My rating 2 and a half stars


Ferrari Ki Sawari Review

This movie has been on ‘Must Watch’ list of all movie lovers for a long time. The movie is a feel good one, which leaves you with a happy feeling. The storyline is a tried and tested one. What works for the movie is the star cast, the very endearing Boman Irani and simple and lovable Sharman Joshi really played the Parsi father son duo to perfection and you tend to relate to them. The movie is good in patches, boosts your morale and it’s a movie that is for the family hence it is being much appreciated.

My rating 3 stars

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What is Morality to You?!


What is morality to you? Is it something that your parents taught you or something that the society imposed? What really is morality?

Wikipedia states that "Morality (from the Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behavior") is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and those that are bad (or wrong)."

So who decides what is wrong and what is right?? Is it our conscience or do our friends, family, society, workplace, peer group who decides for us? What is morality to you? 

 I am what I want to be. The world doesn't decide that for me.



Morality, and this is my personal view only, is the inherent feeling governed by a sense of right and wrong and differs from individual to individual. I don't allow people to govern my life, and what is moral to me may not be the same for you. Let us agree to disagree. After all isnt this a democratic world?

 Let us Agree to Disagree

Lets say your ideas of morality does not match mine? What do you do? Will you judge me? Will you tag me branding me "whore" "slut" or hurl any other obscenities at me? 



How do you call a person a slut? Let me guess, a person who sleeps around without any qualms about emotional entanglements, the person who one sleeps with changes with the change in season and sometimes faster than that and is often what we mean when we call a slut right? Then how is a slut different from a person who hops from a person to another, sleeps around with abandon and moves on not caring about the person left behind or the travails she/he goes through? Or does sleeping around for monetary benifit or for that promotion or extra favors that brands a person a slut? Would you consider a girl falling in love with say a married man and submitting herself completely to him, but moving away realizing the enormity of the situation not wanting to complicate things. So what comprises morality? Sleeping with people for the right reasons or sleeping with the right people?

Have opinions, let others have the space to have theirs


If you ask me, people have their own opinions, all of them are right, to each his own. But the point here is to not judge someone not knowing what made their situation is. You can only judge a person if you are his/her shoes. No two fingers in our hand is the same, how we react to a situation is different, depending upon the kind of person we are. We have a right to do what we want to our life but we donot have a right to judge or question the morality of another person. And if we dare to judge another soul, then we need to make sure we donot have have skeletons in our closet to be judged back as well. Spare a thought to the quote below and tell me What is Morality to you?


Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life.

Friday, June 08, 2012

I miss you a little

Has it ever happened to you, that you give your everything for a relationship or even a friendship and then you realize at a point how useless it all was? I know expectation is a bitch.. and you should never expect if you choose to be there for someone. I beg to differ, if you are a stranger to me, I will not expect anything from you. But if you are someone I consider close I will have basic exception from you, such as I will expect you to be polite and keep up the correspondence in an amicable manner.

Of late, I have lost almost every one of the handful of close friend I had. I have felt disconnected and let down by how they have been. While I donot judge them for their reasons for the fall out I do feel a sense of sadness at the void they have left behind... I do understand that there will be a time when you can cease to be close friends, or lovers but what happens to the friendship that was the foundation of the relationship? What happens to all those beautiful memories you both have made together? How can you walk away without a goodbye? How can you not try to make up? How can you give up on a friend who used to mean something to you? Its unpardonable if you ask me. While you cant do anything about it, you surely can cut these people out and try to move on and not hurt endlessly. Its better to have one true friend than to have tons of people you consider as friends, but who walk away the moment you need them the most. Heartache like these should be avoided at any cost. No one deserves your precious tears, because the one who loves you will never want to make you cry.

I am hurt today, but someday the pain will fade away. Someday I will have better judgement of a person's character, and I will make better friends. Till then, memories will remain...

I had come across this song called " I Miss You a Little" by John Michael Montgomery.. I love the song for the beautiful meaningful lyrics that has touched my heart time and again... nothing expresses my feelings better than this one. Attached is the lyrics if you want to sing along.. hope you enjoy it! :)




Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune

Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair

Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often

A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

Monday, June 04, 2012

Learning to let go..

Sometimes we come across a song that defines what we are going through in more ways than one...this is just one of those... its a beautiful song... it reflects the situation I'm in, more than the emotions. A relationship ends, you learn so much, more about yourself. Instead of fighting the pain the emotions ripping you apart, embracing the pain, making peace with it makes you realize that you have earned much more than you have ever lost. 

Sometimes its best it ended when it did, because it would be more painful if it continued. Sometimes you are just happy because he is where he belongs. No you dont want someone like him, he was unique, irreplaceable and will always be. Probably all you wish is that someday you learn to make peace, learn to let go of the pain and smile without flinching. You realize that love will live on, in its special way, in you, in your very existence. You will know it was good while it lasted. And that you had kept the promise to be brave, to let go without a fight when it was time to say goodbye. You will finally find being happy because he is happy and then with time, your will find new reasons to smile, to trust someone with your heart again...

Hope you enjoy the song...




Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah 

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Happy Birthday Samik

Dear Samik...

I know I should have mailed, or found a way to wish you in person instead of putting out a post here. But considering how you wanted to end this, id restrict my thoughts to a private trusted corner of my being, just the way it is meant to be.



No its not all gone for me. I still feel for you and I just dont know how not to. Its been two years since we broke up, we have been in relationships since then. We somehow have managed to remain connected until recently.I always believed, that the kind of love we shared was unique, childlike, where we will always find our way back to each other, knowing that no matter what form our relationship takes, it is for keeps. It is not, i know now. I have conditioned my mind not to think of you, of how our life has been. I forced my mind to block you away. I constantly find myself angry at you, for not choosing to be around. I keep questioning the love you claim to have for me. I reason, that if you still claim to love me, then you would be around. I wish for a millionth time that you were around, because I love and miss you in my own way. I somehow feel that if you are there I will survive life and the mess I am in. But then I realize how selfish I am. I am sorry. I understand that you are not around and you wont be now on. I am not okay about it, but with time I will be.

I know what you have been through when I walked away, but I just want you to know that I tried my best. It didnt work out, I am sorry. But despite being committed to someone whom I consider my great love, i  never gave up on you. I thought you would do the same. Today two years have gone by, but you are important to me, just as you were once, the love has assumed a new form, but I have not been able to give up on those millions of memories we made together, the feeling of belonging to someone, the dreams of living a lifetime together.. these feelings have eluded me ever since we fell apart..

I know I am messed up, I am chasing an illusion. I have lost everything I had. But somewhere down the line I am happy for you, happy that you had the courage to end this, I would never have been able to do it. I'm glad that you choose a happy life for you sans any complications, as a friend nothing makes me more happy. I wish we dint have to fade into oblivion, i wish you were still around, there to hold me as the world shattered, but I know it would be wrong to ask that of you now.

I dint reach out because I know you want it that way. When you don't receive any communication from me, I know you will think I have moved on, that I don't care, but I do. More than you will know, more than I will ever be able to tell you. Just know today tomorrow, always, you will be there in my thoughts and prayers and I will be there somewhere hoping nothing but the best for you.

Happy Birthday GGCC

I love you, I always have and I always will in my crazy way,

P

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jennifer Aniston: Famous Quotes Tag

Saw this tag on Ria's Blog and wanted to take it up for fun... 



1. “A relationship isn't going to make me survive. It's the cherry on top.” 
What part of your life do you consider “the cherry on the top”?

To have loved with my very being and that there are no regrets.

2. “I almost resent the whole fashion thing. Good God - never wearing the same thing twice and all of those things. It's a pain in the ass.” 
How much does fashion impact your life?

I wear what I feel comfortable in. My clothes are an extension of who I am.

3. “I've gone for each type: the rough guy; the nerdy, sweet, lovable guy; and the slick guy. I don't really have a type. Men in general are a good thing.” 
What’s your type?

My type is the rough and lovable guy rolled into one. A guy who holds his own and yet is loving and affectionate.

4. “Once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, I think it all kinda falls into place.” 
Do you still learn new things about yourself?

Yes, every day. I dont think i really know who i am as i am constantly evolving.

5. “The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.” 
Have you ever had your heart broken? If yes, how did you get over it?

Its all about telling your self, that it is okay to be hurting, to break down time and again but what is most important is to remind you that you have to get up and keep walking.

6. “There are no regrets in life, just lessons.” 
What is the most recent “life lesson” that you have figured out?

Never let your emotions rule your life, strike a balance between your head and heart.

7. “ Try to really follow what it is that you want to do and what your heart is telling you to do.” 
Have you ever gone against what your heart told you to do?

Well I have followed my heart, got my heart broken but i realized I'd rather get my heart broken then miss out on some good experience.

8. “The ultimate is finding a place where you have no inhibitions, nothing to hide, where you can learn with one another.” 
Do you have any inhibitions when you are in love with someone?

With the person i love i have never had any inhibitions because i believe in giving 100% to the person i am committed to.

9. “Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day!” 
What is something that happened recently in your life that you found extremely funny?


Isnt it funny how we choose to be in certain situations and then cry and fret over it... Happens with me all the time.

10. “The first time I kissed Brad my knees went weak - I literally lost my breath!” 
Have you ever kissed someone and your knees went weak?

Happens with me all the time... each and every kiss..whether it is a goodbye kiss before you leave for work, for a sneaky kiss or that long kiss which celebrate a moment.

So I had a ball writing this one... Take it up if you enjoyed reading this... 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Beginning to an end... and another beginning?!!

Over the last couple of years I have tried to make this place what it used to be at one time. A happy place, a place to express my creativity, share my joys, express what I am going through. But somewhere down the line I have realized with time I have evolved, so has my life. I am not who I used to be. Most often I have found myself turning to this place time and again to write, to scribble; I could never really give up. Its been 6 years... and I keep finding my way back, I guess what I was actually doing was holding on to that part of me which was happy, sorted and a lot saner.

I am about to enter of the most life changing phases of my life. The impending darkness makes it hard to breathe but I knew it would be there all along.. I knew that this day will come so maybe that is why there was no surprise, the pain never got reflected in my expression, the way I carried myself or the things I did. I know this is where the real struggle in life begins, when I will watch people whom I have loved with my life walk away from me leaving behind a void...

The journey ahead will be dark, unhappy and marred with immense pain and if I can bring myself up to expressing, this place will probably the only place where I will confide my feelings. I dont expect you to be sympathetic, I dont expect you to read me, and I will be fine if you choose to distance yourself from the negativity. Goes without saying that I would appreciate if you are around, just there reading me, it would mean that I made sense to at least someone.... I wont answer questions as to what went wrong, I wont explain but I will be there... so make your exit while you still can... and if you choose to stay...I'd really value that..more than what words can say.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I’m Fine



Is it necessary to be happy at all times? Can there not be a phase where you are neither happy nor sad but just existing? I agree,while it may not be the ideal situation to be in. But then ideal is a myth. So, I have been given to writing or penning down my thoughts in this blog when despair and hurt strikes me the most as I find writing is the best way to cope with it. But like everything it’s a phase, and I am fine.

A Gentleman the other day hopped onto this blog and feasted on the contents like a vulture feeds on the dead. The instant conclusion that the stalker came to was that, here is this girl who is pained and is carrying around a lot of grief and if I am sympathetic then she would eventually go out with me. Notice the reference here is the word “stalker”. Well I know how it appears to most of who read me but this is just to let you know, I may cry, may break down but I dust myself and keep walking, like any other person. I stumble, I fall, I keep walking on… and I am fine! At the end of the day, I don't crave for company, I don't feel the need to share, I am proud of being where I am today and  I appreciate the journey that got me here… I am fine. 

It is always good to have someone to love, but I have had my share of it and I know I don't want it anymore, I am fine just the way I am. I have made mistakes in life but I have learned to live with it. And in the end, I value the lessons learnt along in the way.. I learnt and I learnt it the hard way, but I have no regrets and I am fine!
Even though its not as frequent as before, but I still smile at kids, I laugh at jokes, I try and have a good time and I am fine. I read a lot, I am always hooked onto music, I go for walks, cook something new now and then. I pamper myself, go out with friends, I keep in touch with loved ones and do things that make me truly happy, and I am genuinely fine.

My blog is just a platform to express and not all are expressions that come from experience, but some are essentially a thought often inspired from life and is meant to be consumed in a literary way. You can judge the writer behind these posts. But if I was a frequent reader here, who knew me, I’d know that the person who writes this has enough spunk to survive hardships and trudge along. For those who are here just to know more about Phoenix, I am fine, and I don’t need your pity or your efforts to give me a better life.  

I'm fine are you?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Make him feel

Dear God
Make him feel the same things as she does
Let him feel the anguish
Of loving someone
Yet know the pain of sharing her

Let him feel torn inside
Each time he imagines
Her smiling at someone
The same way as she used to at him.
Hands touching her, which are not his.

Make him miss her
So much that it hurts
Even when she is right there beside him
Just the way she misses him
Everyday.

Let him wake up each day
Hurting, knowing that,
It may be their last day together.
The same way as she does.
Day in, day out.

Let him drift off to sleep
Knowing that tomorrow
She will lie in the loving arms
Of the one who will truly values her.
Let him cringe in pain.

Let him reminisce
Old times of fun and laughter
And wince in pain
Knowing that those days are now replaced
With someone who loves and cherishes her.

Let the pain
Be a constant reminder of
All those times when she reached out
And he had scorned her.
Let him feel the rejection too.

Let him feel her absence
Realizing her source of joy
Is no longer him
She smiles but at someone
who is not him.

Let him burn
Imagining her nursing
A child, who is not his
Let him seek salvation
But never find it
For he had wronged her.

For all those times he had wronged her,
Let him feel the rejection
And realize how unworthy he was of her love
Every time he saw her happy
In the arms of the man who truly loves her

Let him feel the loss
Let him feel the pain
Let him burn inside
Let him realize the wrongs
he had subjected her to

Let him value her
For all that she was
Knowing that he has lost her forever
Avenge her hurt and pain
And make her whole again!

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Echoes...


I look out at the city skyline stretched out in front of me. Tall buildings...twinkling lights...flights taking off or touching down nearby... cars below zip by...I look up at the moon.. the moon which is a steady companion...Soon it will be time to go home... to you. Thoughts reoccur and I am reminded of a lost time. An evening like today, except in a different place: after a hard day at work, I would stand drinking a cup of coffee staring at the moon, wondering how the sky, the stars and the moon were the only link that connected me to you, across the distance that stood between us. I used to wonder if my thought brought a smile on your face like before, if your eyes still twinkled when you smiled, those creases forming making you look even more endearing.... Tears would fill my eyes and a dull ache would spread all over me, numbing me. The thought that I may never set my eyes on you, that I’d probably always long and ache for you.. made me despair about love. That day, I never conceived that there would be a day when I’d wake up beside you, and fall asleep in your arms; and yet feel incomplete.

I observe quietly, I cry silent tears, I hope against hope, that we could make this moment count... I suffer, I take in the pain... looking beyond the troubles in fear of tomorrow that will not see us together, again. I hope you would notice how beneath the seeming calmness, there is a raging storm within. That, smiles often masquerade the anguish within. I see the disapproving look in your eyes, the harshness in your rebuke, and the stiffness in your gait  and I feel my insides cringe in pain. I know there will be a tomorrow, when there will be a ‘you’ and there will be a ‘me’ but ‘us’ will have to die... that day I’d lose everything, yet I will not be entitled to breaking down or to mourn. I’d have to take things in my stride.. I’d have to swallow the tears, bear the pain that would turn my insides out...while you will carry on with your life, just the way you had warned me you would, without so much as a thought about me. That day I would have to learn to live my life again and even though dull, the pain of having lost 'us' shall remain; forever.

That day I will wonder, which was better knowing that you were mine and out there somewhere but we can never be together or that we were together but that you were never mine...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A lot like Love

I don’t need fancy gifts
Need no promises of a tomorrow
I need no declaration that you’re mine!
Or I’m yours! 
Just the knowledge that you are there!

Every morning when I wake up
Your sleeping form fills me with love
Your smile brightens my day
As I kiss you awake,
I know my prayers are answered!

I feel your arms holding me close
Your grip never loosening even as you sleep
I turn and you snuggle closer to me
You whisper you love me
And I know I'm blessed!

We fight bad, you don’t talk to me
Tears stream down my face
You smile, and world is better
Once again!
Just because you are there!

The first kiss in the morning
The teasing smile and the naughty looks
Those long conversations..
Those little things you do
Makes me come closer to you...

Your possessive touch
Your affectionate ways
Your friendly jibes
Makes me feel alive
And so much more in love with you!

No hopes for tomorrow
No pains, no tears for now... only love reigns
Because today will last a lifetime!
My best friend, my love, 
You make my life worthwhile!

Each day is Valentines Day
Because you are near
Each night is a blessing
Each morning is a prayer answered!
Today, tomorrow and always!

~Happy Valentines Day~

Friday, January 06, 2012

This maddness called ME

You know me. You know how my journey of life has been. You have witnessed it all. But you donot know who this mad person is, who writers of this blog. So just for fun, here are a few funny quirks about me.

  • I'm a girl who will stick post ids all over, be it my work station, my cupboard, kitchen everywhere. It ranges from quotes, reminders, things to do/buy lists
  • I am a maha lists person, i make a list for everything.
  • I have a thing with washing. I am forever washing, towels, linen, clothes. If I did not have a professional career I'd be a washer woman. 
  • I have a huge sock fetish. I keep buying socks. I have some 100 pairs of them, of different colour and types.
  • I love reading romantic novels. I end up crying secretly. 
  • I cant write fiction which is not a love story.
  • I am very idealistic when it comes to relationships and love.
  • I talk to myself, a lot.
  • I smile in my sleep
  • I am a cleanliness freak
  • I simply love chocolates and ice creams
  • I'm overtly sentimental and get hurt very often
  • I love cooking and main meri favourite hoon! :)
  • I smile when thoughts come to my head, be it while walking, shopping, or even traveling. People often think I am some weirdo
  • I forgive but I never forget
  • I have a phoenix tattoo and I simply love it!
  • I often reply memories in my head over and over again before I fall asleep
  • I love babies and my insides hurt to think of the future I have chosen for myself
  • All my stuff toys have names
  • I love mushrooms
  • I'm a complete bookworm and spent all my money buying them
  • I have curly hair and I simply love it
Btw if you haven't guessed I am a Virgo... yeah that explains the freak in me no??!!