Saturday, June 02, 2012

Happy Birthday Samik

Dear Samik...

I know I should have mailed, or found a way to wish you in person instead of putting out a post here. But considering how you wanted to end this, id restrict my thoughts to a private trusted corner of my being, just the way it is meant to be.



No its not all gone for me. I still feel for you and I just dont know how not to. Its been two years since we broke up, we have been in relationships since then. We somehow have managed to remain connected until recently.I always believed, that the kind of love we shared was unique, childlike, where we will always find our way back to each other, knowing that no matter what form our relationship takes, it is for keeps. It is not, i know now. I have conditioned my mind not to think of you, of how our life has been. I forced my mind to block you away. I constantly find myself angry at you, for not choosing to be around. I keep questioning the love you claim to have for me. I reason, that if you still claim to love me, then you would be around. I wish for a millionth time that you were around, because I love and miss you in my own way. I somehow feel that if you are there I will survive life and the mess I am in. But then I realize how selfish I am. I am sorry. I understand that you are not around and you wont be now on. I am not okay about it, but with time I will be.

I know what you have been through when I walked away, but I just want you to know that I tried my best. It didnt work out, I am sorry. But despite being committed to someone whom I consider my great love, i  never gave up on you. I thought you would do the same. Today two years have gone by, but you are important to me, just as you were once, the love has assumed a new form, but I have not been able to give up on those millions of memories we made together, the feeling of belonging to someone, the dreams of living a lifetime together.. these feelings have eluded me ever since we fell apart..

I know I am messed up, I am chasing an illusion. I have lost everything I had. But somewhere down the line I am happy for you, happy that you had the courage to end this, I would never have been able to do it. I'm glad that you choose a happy life for you sans any complications, as a friend nothing makes me more happy. I wish we dint have to fade into oblivion, i wish you were still around, there to hold me as the world shattered, but I know it would be wrong to ask that of you now.

I dint reach out because I know you want it that way. When you don't receive any communication from me, I know you will think I have moved on, that I don't care, but I do. More than you will know, more than I will ever be able to tell you. Just know today tomorrow, always, you will be there in my thoughts and prayers and I will be there somewhere hoping nothing but the best for you.

Happy Birthday GGCC

I love you, I always have and I always will in my crazy way,

P

3 comments:

Blahblaholic ♥ © said...

Awwwwwwh.
This post is achingly beautiful!
I really don't know what to say ..
More strength and power to you!
The ending paragraph, i LOVED it, I can, in my own small way, connect to that, so much!
xx

Blahblaholic ♥ © said...

Awwwwwwh.
This post is achingly beautiful!
I really don't know what to say ..
More strength and power to you!
The ending paragraph, i LOVED it, I can, in my own small way, connect to that, so much!
xx

RiĆ  said...

Sometimes its best to pen ur thoughts down rather than keeping it to yourself and I am glad that you just did that!

Like they say, time heals everything...allow some more time to pass. I know u will never forget...but in time u will move on...we all do!