Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Tears and Rain

Each day I inch closer...closer to the end...I wake up with you by my side, I know that time to part has come and that there is no ambiguity this time. Will that dawn be any different, when I wake up and find you gone? Will the tears finally come? Will it fill the void in me? Will it take away my pain? Will it ever make me whole again?

I knew someday this day will come. What I had never foreseen just how much it would kill me to see you gone. A part of me bleeds knowing that soon it is all over, that I will never ever be yours again. I know I will not mourn, for I have been given your presence more than what I deserve. It is time for goodbyes, time to restore you to where you belong, maybe then despite the pain, peace will reign. May be this is the only way salvation will be attained.

It's time to let you go,
time to set you free,
time to give you the life that was yours
It's Time to say Goodbye.




Tears and Rain - James Blunt
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Of friendships and mistakes...

When I wrote about how September is a month of losing I had no clue how many people I would end up losing or just how I will end up at the end of the ordeal. For starters, pain is just blinding.

In the past two days I felt angry, exasperated, almost distraught and lost. My emotions have been all over the place and well I honestly havent been sane. But when realization sunk in, I felt angry not at the friend who managed to just shrug me off and walk away as if nothing as happened but at myself. All these lessons of being hurt and let down, the caution with which I deal with people all have been in vain because at the end of the day I am hurt beyond anything I can imagine while he is just fine.

The way I see friendship, people are not similar, they will have fights, big ones, small ones, good days and bad days but one just gets past all the things because the friendship is important. We understand when our friend needs space, some gentle coaxing, some understanding and sometimes a patient hearing. If we let go without a fight is it then even worth calling friendship?

In the wake of a friendship lost, I allow myself to wonder if I am really responsible for all the chaos that is taking place is my life. Maybe I am the monster who is too idealist, too big a control freak, too moronish to wreck every relationship in my life, including the one relationship I valued. Why else would each and every person who has ever meant anything to me, say the same thing? Why would I keep losing anyone I have ever dared to love?

On the other hand, I feel emotionally paralyzed to even react, tears fill my eyes and fall with abandon when going gets tough, mind goes for a toss. A part of me wants to question if every moment spent smiling together, sharing, bonding ever meant anything? Because the cold blooded and precision with which I was snipped away, makes me feel that those moments were just a farce. I cant help but kick myself for trusting blindly and for being so naive to have allowed a person close enough to hurt me so much that going gets difficult. Maybe this is yet another lesson, yet another cross I have to carry.

I cant control how others choose to react but I can sure keep walking because breaking down has never been an option.


Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Wake up when September ends!


Today is just one of those days when nothing is going right. Tolerance level is zero. I am swinging from highs to lows. Alternating between being hurt, angry, resigning to the pain or being just disillusioned. Damn you! September why do I lose so much when you come along!

Pain slices through me, I let you go bit by bit, tears brim but never slip out. Breathing becomes difficult, as I see you around knowing this is one of the last time.. very last time. I memorize your smile, the way your lips curl up. I read the pain in your eyes, I know you are looking for a sign that I am hurting too, no there wont be any for you to see. No there wont be another time. I keep telling myself, it will stop hurting as I walk on, I will myself to go on; breaking down comes so easy but I know that is not an option I have. Sometimes all I really want to do is to curl up and die, willing the end to come. No I dont do that, I know I have to do this, go through this, because there is no option left. Some more strength God!

This month always brings with it heartache galore... if I am losing you.. I am also questioning who I have become or who I will be when you are gone. While I am losing you.. I am accommodating people in my life once again.. so is it a sign? Or just a survival tactic?

Some tears will remain unshed till you leave.. because you truly deserve a grand farewell  for all the good times we have had...

"Smile because it happened..don't cry because the good times are over, I celebrate because those good times happened!"