When I wrote about how September is a month of losing I had no clue how many people I would end up losing or just how I will end up at the end of the ordeal. For starters, pain is just blinding.
In the past two days I felt angry, exasperated, almost distraught and lost. My emotions have been all over the place and well I honestly havent been sane. But when realization sunk in, I felt angry not at the friend who managed to just shrug me off and walk away as if nothing as happened but at myself. All these lessons of being hurt and let down, the caution with which I deal with people all have been in vain because at the end of the day I am hurt beyond anything I can imagine while he is just fine.
The way I see friendship, people are not similar, they will have fights, big ones, small ones, good days and bad days but one just gets past all the things because the friendship is important. We understand when our friend needs space, some gentle coaxing, some understanding and sometimes a patient hearing. If we let go without a fight is it then even worth calling friendship?
In the wake of a friendship lost, I allow myself to wonder if I am really responsible for all the chaos that is taking place is my life. Maybe I am the monster who is too idealist, too big a control freak, too moronish to wreck every relationship in my life, including the one relationship I valued. Why else would each and every person who has ever meant anything to me, say the same thing? Why would I keep losing anyone I have ever dared to love?
On the other hand, I feel emotionally paralyzed to even react, tears fill my eyes and fall with abandon when going gets tough, mind goes for a toss. A part of me wants to question if every moment spent smiling together, sharing, bonding ever meant anything? Because the cold blooded and precision with which I was snipped away, makes me feel that those moments were just a farce. I cant help but kick myself for trusting blindly and for being so naive to have allowed a person close enough to hurt me so much that going gets difficult. Maybe this is yet another lesson, yet another cross I have to carry.
I cant control how others choose to react but I can sure keep walking because breaking down has never been an option.