Monday, November 26, 2012

Reflections

I wake up every morning to the life I had always wanted. Every thing I ever wanted, I have created bit by bit. Be it the curtain or the fridge magnets or the beautiful red duvet I snuggle into. Materialistic? Yes, i would have to agree it is, but then this is a reflection of the intense urge to create home, where ever i am. For a person who has moved from one city to another in search of a better life, love and dreams and have not managed to build a home, to wake up to a tiny pad i call home for almost two years now, this means a lot. You need to be able to feel the excruciating pain which comes with the sense of homelessness to appreciate the wholesome feeling of home, of belonging. For me, my search for home has been satiated, at least for now.

Life has been less than perfect of late but has been pretty fulfilling at the same time. I have lost the One person who stands tall for everything I really ever need in life. A friend, a lover, a confidant, my better half, a shelter and so much more. But in losing Him I found Him anew. Sometimes I do wonder how I managed to adapt to the circumstance that life plunged me into. Why do I allow myself to be happy in temporary happiness and not demand for more? Makes me somewhat demented I guess.. but that is how I am. Probably it keeps me happy and it suits the kind of mindset I have at the moment. I need no commitment, i need no tall proclamations of love, need no guy to accompany to social do's.

 Of late I have been traveling a lot, by a lot I mean by my standards. I have gone home and then to Bombay to V's place. In both of these cases, I was with people i consider close and family, so one would probably feel at home and at a peaceful state of mind. I did too, but for a few days, 3 days to be exact. After the initial euphoria dies down, I have this insane urge to escape, it is as if I am claustrophobic and I need an escape from people, I hate talking to anyone on the phone, conversing for a few moments fatigues me. The only person I seem to be able to tolerate or seamlessly adapt is Him. I dont exactly know what is wrong with me, I guess it has got to do with the fact that I am constantly looking for something, to find a chance to be left alone with my thoughts. This is a stark change from the person I used to be. There was a time when the thought of spending time with myself felt so threatening but now, it just feels great to be able to do things alone.

Nothing beats the great feeling of doing things on my own without having to depend upon others, it also eliminates the option of being let down by people. Not being critiqued for being a klutz for everything I do is a blessing but then again, I am not a klutz when I am alone. There is a strong sense of independence, ruthless, don't care attitude that drives me mostly. Tears come up now and then, but smiles follow soon afterwards, because I know what I don't have is far less than what I have. Most people have what I don't but lack what I have. It is that kind of love I would wish people would have sans the situation I am in.

Thanksgiving went by so here is what I was thankful about this thanksgiving: You, the one who completes me. For being there even when it was most difficult, for caring beyond reason, for loving beyond living, for understanding when things are not hunky dory, for those millions of beautiful memories that keep me company when you are not around. But most importantly, thank you for not giving up on me, for believing in me and for being my reason to smile despite the tears. Love, if only I could gift you the peace that you so long for... for everything else, you have me, for now and always, I am for forever yours to keep...



Friday, November 02, 2012

A month

So it has been a month.

A month of not waking by your side. A month of breathing, walking, going to work, basically staying alive when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. A month of staring at the ceiling sleepless, fighting the thoughts occurring, blinking back tears, battling the memories lurking at every unsuspecting corner, muting the sobs racking my body. A month since I stood at the window, watched you walk away, without a backward glance.

I know, behind the cool and steel like exterior, pain rips you apart, conflicting thoughts and emotions makes your life difficult.Your smile does not reach your eyes anymore. My heart lurches at the thought that life is trying you in the worst possible way. And there is not a thing that I can do to make it better. Life, the way we knew it, the way we wanted it.. isnt it?

A month of existing but not living. A month of meeting over coffee, and then tearing ourselves from each other and going our separate ways. A month of reading the pain in each others eyes, smiles that acknowledged the loss but helpless, lingering touches that try and soothe the pain, leave more yearnings in its wake. A month of battling the demons in the heart, of fighting to celebrate the love and not give in to the pain. A month of us becoming just you and me.  

We have set things right.. then why does living separate lives feel so wrong? Why does the pain not subside? Why is doing simple things that we used to do together so trying?! Why? Why is life not bearable or less vacant?

A month, a year and then a lifetime.. without each other.. are you ready, Love?