Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Two and still counting...

Love, it has been two months. I never knew that this day will come and I will be alive and deal with it unflinchingly! No the sting has not gone, it still hurts, tears do fall incessantly, sometimes without warning and there is not a soul I can turn to for comfort.

Being alive feels so wrong, nothing makes sense. I find it so hard to deal with a life without you. Amidst all the coping with a life without you, on a day to day basis, I had forgotten that this is how life will be from now, till the end of time. I feel so angry at myself for going through things twice over. I replay the events from the beginning of time, over and over again to try and see if a part of me wants to do it any other way. Each time I choose the same path and my trail of thought reaches where I am today. I get more and more angry at myself for it. You have never for once, in the happiest of moments or sad; lost focus of your responsibilities and duties; but here I am, I choose you over me time and again and I fail myself yet again...

I try and think of that day, two years back, when I stood on the platform, watching the train pull away, you stood there looking at me. As I saw the train disappear I felt a part of me die. It was only when I could see the train no more, that the tears finally came. I remember the mail I wrote to you telling you how it was the final goodbye to the most beautiful part of our lives. But then why did I melt down the moment I heard your voice on the phone? Why was I not strong enough to say, it was great when you were there, and now that you are gone I must move on, to be sane, to live. Why did I cling to you, to our memories, memorizing each and every event and capturing them in a journal, keeping 'us' alive? Why was I not strong enough to think about me, my future and walk away from 'us'? Why did I spurn all my friends who told me to move on for my own better future? Why did I go through this, knowing that you will never do the same for me? No, I am not grudging you for it, I never will. You have never given up for me, which means a lot to me, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is not enough.

As I look back, I can't forgive myself for having exposed myself to the same consequence twice over. Where did my practical self go? Why did I not have the strength to put an end to this when I still could and save myself for a lifetime of heartache? Why did I not think things through? Instead I came running back to you at the first opportunity? Why was I always happy with 'now' that 'tomorrow' never made sense to me? Why did I not think about myself for once? I willingly opened myself to some more heartache and more pain except this time the damage was forever. I wonder if I had not come to you, instead dealt with my circumstance, several thousands of miles away from you, would I not have been able to deal with life better, over time? You never led me to believe something that was never there, you never gave me false hopes, I am grateful to you for that. But why did I never question my happiness, my peace of mind, my dignity or my well being? You went away, for the second time, just the way it had been planned, like last time, this time too I saw you leave without a backward glance. Life fell apart for the second time, but I never questioned life, you or even myself about what next? What about me? Like other times I was left behind all alone, dealing with the intense sense of loss. Loss that I now know, I will never be able to survive or get over.

Now all that I see myself is as a broken individual, who is trudging along because she has no other option left. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not knowing better. I don't grudge the beautiful times we spent together, I don't regret the wonderful bond we share, your love encourages me to keep walking, it keeps me alive but the questions rip me apart. I have not a soul to turn to, not even you, somehow existing feels like a charade, I will death to come to me with every step I take. I know I can do better than this but for now, for this moment, pain makes it unbearable to go on.

More strength, God!

Monday, December 03, 2012

Memories of the months gone by...

Memories are what drives me.. it can be in a smell or a season or for that matter a month. I have been honoured by Nimue to take up The Writing Prompt, which is in its third year now. If you want to know more click here. Basically I will write about all the 12 months of the year and the memories attached to it.

Every year I do write "this year that was" well this year it is the same with just a little twist.

January- When I think back, a shudder runs down my spine. I cannot think of one happy moment. It was one of the most difficult phases of my life. I was in between jobs, my parents were worried about my future, there was this huge amount of pressure to give up this independent life and get home. Then there was personal life, even love was not comfort enough, it was beginning to crumble, i knew the end was near and it was a matter of time. I remember those long walks in the park, tears running down my face, silent prayers kept me going, i wanted things to just work out, that was all i needed. January was also a month of false hopes and almost sunrises but nothing materialized.

February- All i really wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to fast forward time, to escape. It was the darkest hour of my life, I was ready to give up. There was this one call from my Dad, then some more to finally get me going and yank out a suitcase, drop things randomly in it, scattered mind, raging emotions and every part of me was ready to give up on life. In the airport, one freak call from I and a new opportunity came in just when life felt so drab. Two weeks home and back to Delhi on a very cold morning, a couple of days of running around, random interviews for one opportunity that finally set the ball rolling. On Valentine's Day I was employed again. On personal front, I knew it was my first and last Valentine's Day that would mean anything. Hardly the kind for overtly romantic things, it was yet another a day with the one I loved the most. A regular day, great conversation, snuggled in the blanket, watching an iconic movie with the one person who means the world, some great wine and a yummy dinner, that is how beautiful my day was and I knew I was happy. That night when I went to sleep I promised myself that nothing would ever take away the essence of love and for whatever happened next, regrets would never ever cast a shadow.

March- Finally I decided to leave the dark past behind and walk ahead with head held high. I got back to work, new friends, new environment, newer challenges. Slowly but steadily I regained my confidence, took up challenges and sailed through some very tricky situations at work, I was learning, growing and I finally left behind the unsure, apprehensive and self doubting me and evolved into someone I used to be.

April- Winter had gone by and summer was here. Life too was taking newer turns. I finally let go of the vagabond me, who was living life as if to suddenly wake up from sleep one day, pack and move to a new city. I knew I would stick around. My state of mind got reflected in the way I dealt with life. I finally got out bought myself a fridge, the first sign that I was willing to give Delhi and life a chance. A trip to Mumbai finally restored the mental peace that was eluding me all this while.

May- While certain things in my life was falling into place, another part of my life was crumbling, the deadline was set and it was the beginning of the end.

June- Summers were here, with the sense of loss looming large over our heads, we knew this was all we could ever have. Love blossomed and happiness reigned in the fake comfort of Now.

July- While a part of me died every day, another part of me was angry at the injustice. There was an intense urge to lash out at the world impulsively to do something drastic. I was trying hard to reclaim an old life. I lived in the false belief that life is all about doing the right thing, I had forgotten how driven I was by emotions. While the heart belonged elsewhere I tried to follow my head.

August- It was a lull before the storm, the knowledge that time was running out was very prominent, no one acknowledged it. Life was a lot blissful on the surface but the storm was simmering within. I was rebellious, I was not willing to lie still and be left behind, I did things just to find the me I had left behind somewhere. The strong and independent individual in me surfaced and slowly I transformed my house into a home. While I was slowly learning not to need the One, I was making peace with the fact that the feelings I felt towards him was for keeps, it was one of the worst emotional roller coasters I have been through.

September- The most dreaded birthday month was here, as always, I knew it will be the worst I will go through and survive. I was hurt by a friend whom I had welcomed in a part of me where not many had an access to. If this was not bad enough, the end was just days away and I felt like I was living a life with a live bomb attached to me, it was as if I could hear the time tick by and nothing I did could make me relax or breathe, by the end of it I wanted the end to come because anticipating the end was like a slow death. On one hand I was making peace with the course my life was taking, I was preparing myself to let go gracefully without a fight. Days trickled by, the end was came and went as suddenly as it had began. I have no clue how I went through what I did. It felt as if I was living my worst nightmare, one that had no end.

October- I have lived this nightmare once before but it had not prepared me for the second onslaught of the same. This was it! I have no clue how I stayed alive, how I have went from day to day doing the daily things. All I can recollect is that I could not sleep for weeks on end. I felt like a dead person walking, nothing made sense. It was only when he reached out, loved me unconditionally, reassured me that I have not been abandoned and that my smiles are important for his well being, that the warmth of his love finally made me fight back with a whole new vengeance. I knew that even though I was broken, I was all that I had left and breaking down was not a luxury I enjoyed. Battered and bruised I got back to life, facing and triumphing challenges with every step.

November- While I survived the day to day things, I realized how much my life has changed and how certain things are for keeps. Like the love I feel for him, the bond we share or the pain that is throbbing and making me aware that I am alive. I went about getting back to life, rearranging it the way it comforts me the most. Most things were materialistic I know but it was the only thing that made me feel whole, the void continues though. It was a month when I also overcame some of the greatest challenges that life threw my way, on my own, and at the end of it I knew I had it in me to take this journey on my own.

December- The realization that 'I'm fine" is just a myth. How can I be fine when the one person who ever means anything to me is not around. I agree this is not one of the most optimistic of thoughts but then this is a phase to fight out the inner demons in my heart and to make peace with realities. It is that time of the year when I need to forgive myself the most, because the harshest of treatments I dished out was to myself. It is a month of self discovery. This year has been the most happy, sad, challenging, painful and fulfilling one of my life; but somewhere this year showed me just how strong I really am. Thus this year will go down as one of the most eventful one in the journey of my life.

When I took up this prompt I did not know the emotional roller coaster it will plunge me into. I was not prepared to revisit the events and memories I had long since buried and left to be forgotten in a dark little corner of my mind and heart. It took me 3 days to finish this post, but I am glad I took this up because by facing what troubled me the most, I have become stronger somehow.