Monday, December 03, 2012

Memories of the months gone by...

Memories are what drives me.. it can be in a smell or a season or for that matter a month. I have been honoured by Nimue to take up The Writing Prompt, which is in its third year now. If you want to know more click here. Basically I will write about all the 12 months of the year and the memories attached to it.

Every year I do write "this year that was" well this year it is the same with just a little twist.

January- When I think back, a shudder runs down my spine. I cannot think of one happy moment. It was one of the most difficult phases of my life. I was in between jobs, my parents were worried about my future, there was this huge amount of pressure to give up this independent life and get home. Then there was personal life, even love was not comfort enough, it was beginning to crumble, i knew the end was near and it was a matter of time. I remember those long walks in the park, tears running down my face, silent prayers kept me going, i wanted things to just work out, that was all i needed. January was also a month of false hopes and almost sunrises but nothing materialized.

February- All i really wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to fast forward time, to escape. It was the darkest hour of my life, I was ready to give up. There was this one call from my Dad, then some more to finally get me going and yank out a suitcase, drop things randomly in it, scattered mind, raging emotions and every part of me was ready to give up on life. In the airport, one freak call from I and a new opportunity came in just when life felt so drab. Two weeks home and back to Delhi on a very cold morning, a couple of days of running around, random interviews for one opportunity that finally set the ball rolling. On Valentine's Day I was employed again. On personal front, I knew it was my first and last Valentine's Day that would mean anything. Hardly the kind for overtly romantic things, it was yet another a day with the one I loved the most. A regular day, great conversation, snuggled in the blanket, watching an iconic movie with the one person who means the world, some great wine and a yummy dinner, that is how beautiful my day was and I knew I was happy. That night when I went to sleep I promised myself that nothing would ever take away the essence of love and for whatever happened next, regrets would never ever cast a shadow.

March- Finally I decided to leave the dark past behind and walk ahead with head held high. I got back to work, new friends, new environment, newer challenges. Slowly but steadily I regained my confidence, took up challenges and sailed through some very tricky situations at work, I was learning, growing and I finally left behind the unsure, apprehensive and self doubting me and evolved into someone I used to be.

April- Winter had gone by and summer was here. Life too was taking newer turns. I finally let go of the vagabond me, who was living life as if to suddenly wake up from sleep one day, pack and move to a new city. I knew I would stick around. My state of mind got reflected in the way I dealt with life. I finally got out bought myself a fridge, the first sign that I was willing to give Delhi and life a chance. A trip to Mumbai finally restored the mental peace that was eluding me all this while.

May- While certain things in my life was falling into place, another part of my life was crumbling, the deadline was set and it was the beginning of the end.

June- Summers were here, with the sense of loss looming large over our heads, we knew this was all we could ever have. Love blossomed and happiness reigned in the fake comfort of Now.

July- While a part of me died every day, another part of me was angry at the injustice. There was an intense urge to lash out at the world impulsively to do something drastic. I was trying hard to reclaim an old life. I lived in the false belief that life is all about doing the right thing, I had forgotten how driven I was by emotions. While the heart belonged elsewhere I tried to follow my head.

August- It was a lull before the storm, the knowledge that time was running out was very prominent, no one acknowledged it. Life was a lot blissful on the surface but the storm was simmering within. I was rebellious, I was not willing to lie still and be left behind, I did things just to find the me I had left behind somewhere. The strong and independent individual in me surfaced and slowly I transformed my house into a home. While I was slowly learning not to need the One, I was making peace with the fact that the feelings I felt towards him was for keeps, it was one of the worst emotional roller coasters I have been through.

September- The most dreaded birthday month was here, as always, I knew it will be the worst I will go through and survive. I was hurt by a friend whom I had welcomed in a part of me where not many had an access to. If this was not bad enough, the end was just days away and I felt like I was living a life with a live bomb attached to me, it was as if I could hear the time tick by and nothing I did could make me relax or breathe, by the end of it I wanted the end to come because anticipating the end was like a slow death. On one hand I was making peace with the course my life was taking, I was preparing myself to let go gracefully without a fight. Days trickled by, the end was came and went as suddenly as it had began. I have no clue how I went through what I did. It felt as if I was living my worst nightmare, one that had no end.

October- I have lived this nightmare once before but it had not prepared me for the second onslaught of the same. This was it! I have no clue how I stayed alive, how I have went from day to day doing the daily things. All I can recollect is that I could not sleep for weeks on end. I felt like a dead person walking, nothing made sense. It was only when he reached out, loved me unconditionally, reassured me that I have not been abandoned and that my smiles are important for his well being, that the warmth of his love finally made me fight back with a whole new vengeance. I knew that even though I was broken, I was all that I had left and breaking down was not a luxury I enjoyed. Battered and bruised I got back to life, facing and triumphing challenges with every step.

November- While I survived the day to day things, I realized how much my life has changed and how certain things are for keeps. Like the love I feel for him, the bond we share or the pain that is throbbing and making me aware that I am alive. I went about getting back to life, rearranging it the way it comforts me the most. Most things were materialistic I know but it was the only thing that made me feel whole, the void continues though. It was a month when I also overcame some of the greatest challenges that life threw my way, on my own, and at the end of it I knew I had it in me to take this journey on my own.

December- The realization that 'I'm fine" is just a myth. How can I be fine when the one person who ever means anything to me is not around. I agree this is not one of the most optimistic of thoughts but then this is a phase to fight out the inner demons in my heart and to make peace with realities. It is that time of the year when I need to forgive myself the most, because the harshest of treatments I dished out was to myself. It is a month of self discovery. This year has been the most happy, sad, challenging, painful and fulfilling one of my life; but somewhere this year showed me just how strong I really am. Thus this year will go down as one of the most eventful one in the journey of my life.

When I took up this prompt I did not know the emotional roller coaster it will plunge me into. I was not prepared to revisit the events and memories I had long since buried and left to be forgotten in a dark little corner of my mind and heart. It took me 3 days to finish this post, but I am glad I took this up because by facing what troubled me the most, I have become stronger somehow. 


Nimue said...

when I started , I knew this was going to be a tough read. While I am not living these events in today's time line , I have written enough and lived them multiple times in head.

Anticipating an end is the worst thing that can eat you from inside out.


I wish next year when you wrote the same post , it has a lot more smiles and proud moments to re live.

Thank you for this post.

Linked to main post here :

Anwesa said...


PULKIT said...

I remember us talking about this when we met, This will be attempted by me, in a much shorter format asap