Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Two and still counting...

Love, it has been two months. I never knew that this day will come and I will be alive and deal with it unflinchingly! No the sting has not gone, it still hurts, tears do fall incessantly, sometimes without warning and there is not a soul I can turn to for comfort.

Being alive feels so wrong, nothing makes sense. I find it so hard to deal with a life without you. Amidst all the coping with a life without you, on a day to day basis, I had forgotten that this is how life will be from now, till the end of time. I feel so angry at myself for going through things twice over. I replay the events from the beginning of time, over and over again to try and see if a part of me wants to do it any other way. Each time I choose the same path and my trail of thought reaches where I am today. I get more and more angry at myself for it. You have never for once, in the happiest of moments or sad; lost focus of your responsibilities and duties; but here I am, I choose you over me time and again and I fail myself yet again...

I try and think of that day, two years back, when I stood on the platform, watching the train pull away, you stood there looking at me. As I saw the train disappear I felt a part of me die. It was only when I could see the train no more, that the tears finally came. I remember the mail I wrote to you telling you how it was the final goodbye to the most beautiful part of our lives. But then why did I melt down the moment I heard your voice on the phone? Why was I not strong enough to say, it was great when you were there, and now that you are gone I must move on, to be sane, to live. Why did I cling to you, to our memories, memorizing each and every event and capturing them in a journal, keeping 'us' alive? Why was I not strong enough to think about me, my future and walk away from 'us'? Why did I spurn all my friends who told me to move on for my own better future? Why did I go through this, knowing that you will never do the same for me? No, I am not grudging you for it, I never will. You have never given up for me, which means a lot to me, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is not enough.

As I look back, I can't forgive myself for having exposed myself to the same consequence twice over. Where did my practical self go? Why did I not have the strength to put an end to this when I still could and save myself for a lifetime of heartache? Why did I not think things through? Instead I came running back to you at the first opportunity? Why was I always happy with 'now' that 'tomorrow' never made sense to me? Why did I not think about myself for once? I willingly opened myself to some more heartache and more pain except this time the damage was forever. I wonder if I had not come to you, instead dealt with my circumstance, several thousands of miles away from you, would I not have been able to deal with life better, over time? You never led me to believe something that was never there, you never gave me false hopes, I am grateful to you for that. But why did I never question my happiness, my peace of mind, my dignity or my well being? You went away, for the second time, just the way it had been planned, like last time, this time too I saw you leave without a backward glance. Life fell apart for the second time, but I never questioned life, you or even myself about what next? What about me? Like other times I was left behind all alone, dealing with the intense sense of loss. Loss that I now know, I will never be able to survive or get over.

Now all that I see myself is as a broken individual, who is trudging along because she has no other option left. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not knowing better. I don't grudge the beautiful times we spent together, I don't regret the wonderful bond we share, your love encourages me to keep walking, it keeps me alive but the questions rip me apart. I have not a soul to turn to, not even you, somehow existing feels like a charade, I will death to come to me with every step I take. I know I can do better than this but for now, for this moment, pain makes it unbearable to go on.

More strength, God!

7 comments:

Anwesa said...

I believe this too shall pass...

PULKIT said...

This was beautiful and honest.
When we love someone, It never really gets over - the whole concept of moving on is probably false

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Arv said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Arv said...

HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

RiĆ  said...

Beautifully expressed! *hugs*

Ashwini Dodani said...

Amen for the strength!