Monday, March 18, 2013

The embers burn on..


Last few months have been really emotionally draining, I fought hard to make peace with the pain killing me. I tried to smile through the tears, I wallowed in the pain, I tried to feel angry but failed successfully, I loved far more deeply. In all of this mess, I forgot how to smile genuinely, I forgot to feel happy, I forgot how it is to feel excited; no I have not learned to un-forget. I am still not in that space where I am who I used to be.

In this journey of resurrection I realized that with time we evolve, we become newer versions of who will ultimately become. The old us will undergo changes, what remains intact is our views and values of life. It took me time to accept. I grappled hard to cling to what I believed was the Me I should be and I failed miserably. I have lost count to how many times I have made resolutions only to go back and break them. In all of this, I have loved fiercely, passionately and the only way I knew how. Ultimately I have given in to the fact, that rarely we come across someone we love wholeheartedly, with whom every dream comes true, who fits into your being and your life like a missing jigsaw puzzle, instead of fighting it I have welcomed love and also the pain of being unable to keep it there forever.

Forever, whenever I think of it I donot ever confine it to usual mundane things like marriage. Nothing against marriage here but how has marriage ever guaranteed love? It is when I am low, when nothing makes sense, every part of me wants to give up, a call comes through or a random email which has shared songs. It takes just that to comfort me. I know I dont need the usual 'I love you' to feel on top of the world. In times of strife when things are going downhill, he reaches out, I know I am the one he needs, I know then that here is a bond that defies all logic, defies the social norms, that transcends boundaries. That understands without even having to explain! That comforts you just the way you need comforting..

Apart as life destined us to be,
yet connected with the strangest of bonds 
A love that is rare!
You and me,what will always be,
a part of me!

In my selfishness of reveling in the pain and the knowledge that I have what most would die for, I had forgotten that there is a far bigger perspective to life: Death! I shuddered when the mind fleetingly raced to the situation when the knowledge that the smile that I so love is not there anymore! A part of me lurched, cringed in pain and ultimately gave in to the knowledge; that I'd rather lose him to life than to death, never to death. It was then that the pain of not having him close, to not wake up to him, to not melt in his arms, to not succumb to his passionate kiss or to live a lifetime together became a whole lot easier to bear.

I'd rather know that you are there somewhere
Even if you are not mine
Than know that the smile 
That I so love
Has been extinguished forever!

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Forgive and Forget

When you are in love with someone you know that there will be fights, there will be situations when the love of your life will act just a little weird, that is when you have to stand tall and say "baby I understand, this is a bad phase, this too shall pass!" Then there are times when everything  goes downhill, when despite trying everything, nothing made a difference; but you still hold on, because you know love will see you through.

Most often we forget to do the one thing that is most important, when we have a problem with the one we love. We choose to bottle things up, we tell our friends, we rant on social media, we let it all pile up or even act irrationally and vent our pent up frustration by just having one of the greatest fights ever. We never consider to talk to our partner about it. Alternatively, we never give our partner the importance to hear him or her out, we get defensive, too absorbed by other things that we ignore the needs, the pleas of the one we love the most. Sad but true. Then the pent up emotions erupts, harsh words are exchanged, hurt slashes painfully and that part of your heart you hold sacred shrinks smaller and smaller.

Sometimes, we realize sooner than later, that the words spoken has hurt our loved one and make amends too. The same loved one you can barely see go through any kind of pain, be it a blister on the feet or a migraine attack; is now hurt by your harsh words. Most often we fail to fathom the extent of damage that we have done which has corroded our relationship. We choose ego and our belief of what is self respect over love and lose a perfectly beautiful relationship. We forget that with time we can put behind a fight but the words spoken echoes long after they were said, haunting and scarring and ultimately destroying the love that you once prized so much.

Often we find it hard to forget, but it is still in our capacity to forgive and move on. When forgiving becomes difficult, moving on becomes the only option. Relationships are so difficult to nurture, giving up is tough, walking away is heartbreaking. So why not make the effort to love it like we did on the first day we realized we were in love? Why not make love a habit and a way of our life and not just those rare days when you feel taken over by the strong indulgent need to express and endorse love? By loving each day, we value every little thing we do for the one we love, we cherish every little thing that is done for us and ultimately we avoid saying or doing things when things comes to a pass where forgiving and forgetting have to be resorted to.

Love is essentially the most important feeling that guides us through every thing that we do. Be it the food we like eating, the person we want to wake up to, the clothes we prefer to wear or the job we do. Love makes all the difference! So love freely, love indulgently, love obsessively, love passionately, love like there is no tomorrow. Make love a way of life, love will see you through the time of strife! Love will ensure you never have to forgive or forget! Love is the only thing that makes this journey worthwhile.