Monday, March 18, 2013

The embers burn on..


Last few months have been really emotionally draining, I fought hard to make peace with the pain killing me. I tried to smile through the tears, I wallowed in the pain, I tried to feel angry but failed successfully, I loved far more deeply. In all of this mess, I forgot how to smile genuinely, I forgot to feel happy, I forgot how it is to feel excited; no I have not learned to un-forget. I am still not in that space where I am who I used to be.

In this journey of resurrection I realized that with time we evolve, we become newer versions of who will ultimately become. The old us will undergo changes, what remains intact is our views and values of life. It took me time to accept. I grappled hard to cling to what I believed was the Me I should be and I failed miserably. I have lost count to how many times I have made resolutions only to go back and break them. In all of this, I have loved fiercely, passionately and the only way I knew how. Ultimately I have given in to the fact, that rarely we come across someone we love wholeheartedly, with whom every dream comes true, who fits into your being and your life like a missing jigsaw puzzle, instead of fighting it I have welcomed love and also the pain of being unable to keep it there forever.

Forever, whenever I think of it I donot ever confine it to usual mundane things like marriage. Nothing against marriage here but how has marriage ever guaranteed love? It is when I am low, when nothing makes sense, every part of me wants to give up, a call comes through or a random email which has shared songs. It takes just that to comfort me. I know I dont need the usual 'I love you' to feel on top of the world. In times of strife when things are going downhill, he reaches out, I know I am the one he needs, I know then that here is a bond that defies all logic, defies the social norms, that transcends boundaries. That understands without even having to explain! That comforts you just the way you need comforting..

Apart as life destined us to be,
yet connected with the strangest of bonds 
A love that is rare!
You and me,what will always be,
a part of me!

In my selfishness of reveling in the pain and the knowledge that I have what most would die for, I had forgotten that there is a far bigger perspective to life: Death! I shuddered when the mind fleetingly raced to the situation when the knowledge that the smile that I so love is not there anymore! A part of me lurched, cringed in pain and ultimately gave in to the knowledge; that I'd rather lose him to life than to death, never to death. It was then that the pain of not having him close, to not wake up to him, to not melt in his arms, to not succumb to his passionate kiss or to live a lifetime together became a whole lot easier to bear.

I'd rather know that you are there somewhere
Even if you are not mine
Than know that the smile 
That I so love
Has been extinguished forever!

1 comment:

Anindo Sen said...

Tugged at my heartstrings.