Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Little puddles of love..8 months and still many more to go


The last time I wrote to you was about 6 months back, when in the beginning of every month I would write to recount that month without you. Since then I have become stronger, I have learnt to blink back the tears that threatened to fall every time I set my eyes on you. Every time something would remind me of you, I felt a part of die a million deaths. Those nights of praying for sleep to take over so the mind would stop thinking about you are now over. All those mornings I would wake up with no zest for life as I would hurt, long for you and find reasons to hold on.

It has been an uphill task, no it has not stopped hurting, if possible it has increased manifolds. I have just bettered myself at reacting to it. Well one has to do things to preserve whatever little dignity one has right? You know, in all these months, the only thing that kept me going is the image of seeing you smile, the cloud of unhappiness not casting a shadow on your face, clear and bright your face smiling at me, for me, only for me. That, is my single most happy thought. Every time things go wrong and i feel upset and ready to explode I just close my eyes and picture you smile and it works wonders.

You are right, I have stopped needing you. I don't need you for anything. Not my mental peace. Not for friendship and surely not for love. I am content in my memories. In my memories you are mine. In my memories it is a perfect world. In my mind I talk to you every day, so what if you dont reply? So what if you dont hold me close when I need comforting the most. So what if I want to spend time with you and you just cant nor do you ever feel the need. So what? I have found my own lil world in my own thoughts. In my world there are no let downs, no insecurities, no anger and surely no lack of love. So many things are missing yet the things that are there make up for every single of them.

I feel surer, stronger and lot more in control of the emotions that create a chaos, too turbulent to keep in check. But at the same time I realize the importance you have in my life, so what you are not there any more? I know you are going to be a part of my existence, an intrinsic part of my soul. A part which I can never surgically part with. So instead of fighting, I have accepted that there is never going to be another you. You will be there in every breath I take. At the same time I will not let that be the only thing about my existence, I will live, love and be free.

Love, I have always wanted us to be special, in a way that you have never ever known before. I may have failed but then there is no knowing. But know that you were loved, you will be no matter how much it hurts. There are a million things I don't tell you, I never will, but that does not mean I don't feel them anymore, just that there is no need or use to express them anymore. The heart longs to know how you are coping with this, since we so efficiently behave as if nothing in life has changed since!

As the days go by, love assumes new form, it teaches so many ways to make things work. We fight, we are unhappy, we find newer ways to find the lost smiles in each other. We have learned to live apart but will we ever learn to live without each other? May we never find that out, for what we have, however little is enough, it shall fuel the love that keeps us together, despite being apart, in ways that most can't comprehend.

Love, the only way I know how..

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