Monday, December 01, 2014

Of letters that are written but are never sent

Dear You,

I write to you often, most of these mails remain in the draft section of my mails only to be deleted months later. I talk to you too almost everyday. Though I must admit I have slowly stopped talking to you all the time. Was it a conscious decision? No but it happened as slowly the consciousness accepted that you are gone, maybe for good.

You, it has been a really tough 6 months. I have been close to you, at times frightfully close, being forced to relive our old life. I willed myself to breathe and get past the time. It was crazy you know. There was a time  when I half suspected that God was playing such cruel games with me. But I learned to not wait for your call, not wait for some sick coincidence where I'd bump into you (I reckon that this happens only in movies) but I have started believing that like everyone else you abandoned me and slipped into oblivion like everyone else. No I donot have a grudge against you, I essentially believe it is good for you and eventually for me. Just that somehow its hard to believe that we dont talk or communicate anymore, its a sad feeling because i 'believed' that we would be connected somehow throughout our lives. This has honestly made me a bit cynical and skeptical about people and relationships and i admit i often believe the worst of people, not something I would do at one time. No you are not blamed but me, eventually life took its toll.

You know I have suffered major depression and so much going on I have done drastic things the intensity of things struck me only later. But I am proud I did not let my rash, impulsive actions and decisions leave behind yet another blotch in my life. I chose to take a day at a time and slowly I learned to value, appreciate and accommodate these new changes. It was really tough you know, I kept comparing, slighting, pretending and then breaking down until I genuinely gave life a chance. It drove me to despair but I guess the heart recognizes affection when it sees it coming from a person who genuinely cares about you. No life is not perfect, every day is a compromise until there comes a day when its not a compromise but genuine affection. Life has its rude and ruthless way to make you accept that you can only try and steer your life your way but what has been planned will happen anyway.

I am grateful to be around someone who knows me and its eerie at times. He reads through my expressions and knows exactly what i am feeling, even if these feelings are not directed at him and he pardons me for the same. I guess it takes courage to love someone when you know the same intensity of love is not returned, I have been there so I know and so maybe I value what I get because i am broken, less than complete but i am enough for someone, this keeps me going. I am grateful for  recognition I am finally getting, the dignity of being which I have been denied. No life is less than perfect but for now till I learn to turn over a new leaf, this will do.

I miss you, i do. Truly madly deeply but I know when I am abandoned and I know enough not to look back because if this was as good as I had always believed it to be, it would have been there and not vanished into nothingness. You know, the only thing that has been constant is when I picture your face and I can also see you smile, and image you laugh, that gurgle of laughter that reflects in the twinkle in your eyes; I feel a strange sense of happiness fill my heart. I know no matter where you are, you are trying to be happy and that is enough. I am doing the same too. I falter but I trudge along, just wish you were there to talk to, to feel alive. But I have realized you cant go back to the person as a mere friend whom you have loved with all your being, so I accept that you wont be around rather grudgingly. When I look back I feel grateful to have met you, to live a fulfilling life. My life has changed forever but I am glad I met you, you are the best thing that happened to me, both good and bad! I loved, I learned and I have lived life the best way I could and I donot have regrets.

In the past 6 months, I have learned to live without you, I wish I could unlove you, life would have been simpler. But love heals and maybe eventually i will be a new person, not as I used to be when you were around but enough to live a life I truly desire & deserve. I have come to believe that you cant love, no two people the same way or with the same intensity! Doesnt mean it is not love!

Thank you for truly loving me and teaching me the importance of love, it makes me value the one who has loved me despite my million shortcomings. 

Thank you for the memories. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Crash, burn and trudge along

It's been 4 months since the last nail on the coffin was hammered. And life has moved ahead at lightening speed. The health scares, the impulsive & rash decisions, the burning feeling that eats me inside out. Yet not once has the heart even felt upset for the one the heart loves and longs despite the wrongs done.

I know life has moved on for the one the heart longs for and the heart can't but be happy for him. Yet somewhere it has pushed me to be rash, giving rise to experiences that brands a new wound on my skin every time. Attempts to be happy, to just see the happier & brighter side is constant, sometimes it's natural sometimes the fake smiles brings forth the sudden tears.

So this is how it feels living a hollow existence feels?! I feel guilty and horrible for leading a dual existence! I shudder to think that this is for life! Should I feel sorry for my pretentious life and attempts to be happy while burning inside or should I feel guilty of not really giving my all to the one who has been a source of support! I'm doing exactly what I've detested, what I have been subject to before! I try to do things differently, I go halfway, falter and then try harder, the hurt hurting some more. I pray that this becomes life, I try to uncry those tears, I try to not compare everything to him, I try to forget but I'm reduced to a me I don't recognise anymore.

I tell myself that many like me lead such a life but I hate the stench of disloyalty! When those angry tears roll down my face I'm just grateful for the darkness that masks my face. Sometimes I'm grateful for the affection that comes my way it makes me forget the void of loneliness even if momentarily.

I'm happy that he is happy and I wonder at myself for being capable of so much love still.. It breaks me. Funny how love that burns me alive, is the same love that shimmers without a trace and it is also the source of all things that is so wrong with my life.

While I battle out illness, new life, the facades that I now live; there is a prayer which is almost a plea for it stop hurting, stop the love and stop the longing. Till then I keep trudging, because that is what is expected of me. So what happens to what I want? Who am I anyway?

Monday, June 30, 2014

Have tried not to come back to this place with the negativity but then realized I dont have anyone to turn to anymore for comfort and the only person who i still need for comfort is the one person i can never turn to.

Life is getting stranger by the day but the only thing that remains constant is the longing for that someone who still defines the great love for me. Most of the time I go with the flow and do things the way it is done, sometimes i have fun but predominately His is that one thought that stays. Its like a cyclical mess, you miss someone dearly, you reminisce the good times, you sink into pits of despair, you remember the hurtful things he has said or done, you remember the gyaan your friends have given, you realize that maybe the distance is good, it will help him get back to his reality, then you remember his reality, feel charred and try moving on and then breakdown only to realize you cant stop for you have a life to lead and then you end up loving that someone despite the pain, despite the reality knowing that he owns a part of your soul like no other!

While I hurt, long and I wish to turn back time until tears blur the vision and breathing becomes difficult. I plunge myself into life, i socialize and amidst the chaos I find it hard to breathe. I question why I cant have him in life with others around, then I know why not, i know it would be painful for him and for me too eventually; so i stop being selfish and not reach out. Maybe he has forgotten me, may be he does not think of me any more. Maybe he has learnt to smile again and then I remember him smile and I know I'd be happy if he was, maybe he is not happy now but someday it will.

I trudge along, live life the way I have always wanted to. I travel, I read, I laugh and then every now and then he is there, in my thoughts, secure in my heart and sometimes away from prying eyes tears stream unabashedly. I know missing Him will be a part of my life. There will always be those conversations we will never have, those smiles we will never smile together, those hugs we will never melt into. Because this is life and shit happens.



Friday, June 13, 2014

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 
― Warsan Shire


 

Monday, May 12, 2014

You & Me, what will always be!

I wonder why I even write here anymore when I dont know if anyone reads me, or do I want anyone to? But I know I do get back here every so often when I want to share, to talk even if to myself.

May be there will always be some feelings that you are never meant to get over, no matter where you are placed in life and how much you have evolved. That one person, the thoughts of whom turns your insides into mush, and if you let your mind wander even if for a fraction of a second, it all comes rushing back. Those tiniest of things, like how it felt to feel his lips on yours, how a mere touch would turn your world upside down. Memories of those nights of being hugged tightly even in sleep that used to make you feel comforted, loved and complete; tears catches you unawares and stream down; irrespective of where you are. You blink them away and long and hurt some more and yet the feeling just refuses to die down.

In life, there will always be norms, things you have to do, duty and responsibilities you have to carry out, relationships you have to be in, do what you have to, be the person you are destined to be. But there will always be that One person who will own a part of your soul like no other! The lesser you fight and more you accept the better it is for you! I give up the fight. I give up fighting the feelings in my heart, i give up crying under the shower so that i dont have to acknowledge it! I give up pretending that all is good when it is not. I give in to realization that some feelings will never die down, no matter where you are and what you do. Soul mates are a part of you, completing you, even if its a feeling you cant acknowledge or indulge in. Who cares what happens in life when just a thought comforts you. Who cares if you long for that hug which is a thought that breaks you now, for it is not exclusive to you. Who cares if the thought of what was yours, was never yours in the first place. Who cares if the person who completes you is the one that breaks you. Who cares when at the end all you have is you and that feeling that is yours to keep, whether you belong to him or to someone else.

Every time I hear ' A thousand years' the one who shouldn't be remembered is thought of, with more love than I would like. Because sometimes you just cant control everything in life and some songs are just written because it binds you to your loved one. It is a reason why you trip and fall in love all over again when you hear that song, then you stop sulking and reach out, even if it is a game of Ruzzle. You smile, your insides light up when the screen of your phone lights up when your invite is accepted. You play the game, knowing you will lose for that moment, you exist with him, just you and him! As the moment slips away you slowly go back to your shell, close the doors to the feelings that are simmering behind the facade of a new life.


What if the person you think you love is not a person but an idea or the way he makes you feel! You know that  feeling when you want something and you know it is all wrong for you? That! You do it anyway, because love is like that, it follows you everywhere you go, it doesnt really matter if the one you love is not around anymore, it doesnt matter if he loves you back, you get used to his absence but you love, the only way you know how.

Heard this song and totally loved it, it made sense at so many levels. Couldn't find a better way to end this post.  This post is totally random, reckless but utterly liberating.

Monday, April 28, 2014

The din of silence

We put on so many masks to survive life that we eventually lose track of our real face. We live in that illusion till reality dawns! Life!

So we plunge ourselves into a life or someone hoping to forget the pain plaguing the heart, hoping that it would eventually go away; until we realize the reklecklessness of it all! But then what do you have to lose anyway? 

So you brush aside those muted sobs, remove the kohl stains and pretend to smile. Often it works as it fools others and yourself until faking hurts and you realize that doing something drastic does more harm to yourself eventually, it doesn't really matter to those, not in your life anymore!

Realisations! Life and endless pit of despair! 

Friday, April 25, 2014

Sunshine and drizzles



You know that moment when a butterfly rests on your arm and you are reluctant to move lest it flies away? Happiness is like that beautiful yellow butterfly, rare and totally unpredictable. If you have been through your share of heartbreak, travails and survived times when giving up seemed like an obvious step; you value the happy times that come your way even if momentarily. 

 An eventful extended weekend got over, another one is knocking at the doors and this week has been super long and stressful, i can barely move due to exhaustion; but there is a tired smile. A flicker of a smile which has become some sort of a rarity of late. No i am not unhappy but I have not been happy either. This, until I gave life a serious thought and changed the game before it changed me. A step away from a dream and a step towards a new life may not be the same thing, is what i realized. While its been 7 months or more to stepping away from a dream, a couple of months from being disillusioned and lied to, I realized how silly I was. Often it takes us time to put into action what the mind has decided. So for a change I allowed myself to have a life that a regular 26 year old has. I hosted a formal party, I went out on a date and for a change I let myself enjoy and forget the troubles that ripped me apart. 

I may not have managed to fall madly in love but i let affection lead the way. After all J.M Coetzee said "affection may not be love, but it is at least its cousin" so that's that for starters. I let myself relax and actually let my hair down and left my worries, heartache home and enjoyed a day of fun and i was totally surprised by the amount of fun i had! Watched 2 movies back to back, went for long walks and then ice cream at India Gate, throughout i expected it to hurt, i expected to be repulsed, to miss someone but i did not! I reminded myself that at least i did not have to do something drastic to get myself on track but stepping out of the comfort zone surely helped. More than once i fell silent, was lost in thoughts.. Thoughts that left me in a happy void not the ones that left me almost suicidal in the past. Best part was i was not expected to talk, to react in a particular way or feel something that wasn't me! And for once smiling dint hurt, in fact it felt good!

While the existential questions still plague me and the fear of attachment and heartbreak was just a heartbeat away I just let myself enjoy someone's company, I relaxed and was myself. I kept expecting the hurt to come back, kept feeling that I would snap out of the happy phase with one stray thought, kept feeling that I will end up feeling guilty but they did not come. I knew someone somewhere is living the life he had chosen for himself and its time I do too. So it was time i did step away too and i did. I stepped out 'on my own' for the first time. To be honest it was a feeling of homelessness, its as if that feeling of belonging is taken away from me and truly i was alone and in terms of others 'single' The best part of being single is that you do get approached a lot. Now the thing is, if you are in a relationship which you cant acknowledge, then battling the attention is exhausting but not when you know you truly can, because you are not accountable to anyone anymore. 


Also i did something the last weekend that in all of my 26 years i have not done! Host a formal party! If your closest girl pal can make cosmopolitan like a pro do you need a reason to worry! It felt so good to do what regular people do! I sat on the kitchen counter, supervised the mutton that was being made and guzzled down cosmopolitans! With my friends arm around mine, we sat in peace chatting doing our girl thing while the others were lost in their own conversation. The best part was I was not expected to smile or participate in the conversation or be someone that i was wasnt. So I sat there in silence seeing happy faces around me, hurting a lil but knowing it would ebb away eventually. Someday maybe I will be able to look back unflinchingly but for now I shall take baby steps to a future that I deserve and not waste it away.
Came across a lovely line by a friend and can't help sharing, she probably pegs it perfectly what I could never have!

"Sometimes it's tough to choose one, not because of deciding who is better but because of the tug at heart of having to leave the other." - Suruchi

Monday, March 31, 2014

Noise

Has it ever happened to you that you are faced with a lot of noise and nothing you do blocks off that noise. It's like that buzzing of the mosquito that you know is there but you cant figure out where! It took me a while to realize that its the thoughts that are so noisey that headaches have become a regular, is it that lack of sleep?!

If only there was a memory pill, something that would just delete certain memories. The thing with memories, the more you try and not remember them, the more they keep coming back. Sometimes so vividly, it's as if you are living that moment once again. What used to be a source of happiness and strength is now something that fills me with disgust. No amount of washing self takes away that imprint that seems to be embedded in the skin. You can block your mind, harden your heart, but how do you remove that which touched your soul and is the center of your being? How?! Time just flies as thoughts come thick and fast, clock ticks away ominously and tears blind the vision. Wish there was something that could be done to how things happened! What if i was not naive enough to pursue my childhood notion? Would i be happier today? Would it have been any different, if the person I shared that essential moment of my life was actually someone who loved me and not someone who will be remembered as the one who killed me the way I could never ever imagine?

The existence is so hollow and meaningless. I have no idea what keeps me going! For the first time in life, I realize what is to be really alone, with no-one to call my own not even a notion! I feel silly for all the things I have done in the past few years, I have believed everything that was said to me. Everything that turned out to be a lie; be it about the person i am, or the love that was mine or the bond that was supposed to be there for keeps. At times I wonder how i could be foolish enough to give more than my all to something? Even when I had decided I had had enough I still cared enough, I feel foolish. I have come to believe that if the most important person in my life can turn out to be so wrong, then everyone else can. How do you believe anything any more? How do you know someone wont harm you?

Silence is noisier than crowd, stars keep me company as mind wanders aimlessly as the heart hurts and eyes bleed yet the ordeal does not get over. And there is this strong disgust to any kind of human touch; be it hug from your close friend or a loving caress by Ma or even just a brush of hands in the metro. Could be a phase or maybe I am just losing my mind. Sometimes sleep is the only respite but something that i dont usually have the luxury of enjoying.

All that the heart wants to lie there forgotten, to perish; minutes turn to hours, night gives way to dawn and I get up and do what I am supposed to do. There is almost always another day to brave.

Some more strength, God!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Adieu

We often think, Okay so the worst is over and since I have survived this I can survive just about anything! Then, something happens that nearly kills you, or you hope that this time at least it does and there you are alive, feeling every bit of that pain. Your insides feel as if some plague is eating away your soul and then while you lay there wallowing in self pity and hurt that 'no-one' will ever understand; you realize that good things fall apart because better things will fall into place. No I am not that bright, the quote is by Marlyn Monroe, isnt she just amazing? And to think that we thought she was some dumb blonde! Well then, it's a different topic.

Maturity comes at a cost, sometimes it is your peace of mind and sometimes your innocence! I had lost my peace of mind sometime ago and I lost my innocence too few weeks back by its curator! I think it is rather cruel if your favourite person kills off your favourite childhood notion. While he forewarned you about all the people who were all wrong for you, it turned out as if he was the wrong one! After all even Achilles had one tragic flaw so why would be a mere mortal be any different?! Well it took me a while to even get this funda into my thick skull. But know what? Most often if the realization does not come naturally. It never makes sense even if you have the world screaming it out to you. So well the realization did come through. Tears, anger and murderous rage followed; the mind kept screaming 'You dint really have to lie; had you not I'd still be happy with my childhood notion of You' but then he did lie! And trust me it was the best that could have ever happened to me! When someone lies when he does not really have to and gets caught it is rather humiliating! And you finally see the person in a whole new light! It takes time but you realize what a boon it all is.

The yarkstick you had to measure every new potential crush or even partner suddenly vanishes and for once you see people in all new light! You realize that the ones who have loved you, whom you never gave too much thought because they were not like Him, the ultimate perfection. You see these same people and realize how wonderful they really are because the idea of perfection turned out to be utterly flawed and the imperfection is what completes you. If not love them back you learn to respect and see things in a whole new light. And all those friends with whom you have lost touch with because you would not pay heed to them because they said something that did not sync with what you truly wanted to do that point; start making sense. You look back and feel utterly sad that you wasted about 3 and half years of your life chasing an illusion, you grudgingly grow up. You learn that there cannot be that One person who is tailormade for you. You become somewhat of a cynic but you know it would help you protect yourself. But importantly, you truly let go of that piece of you that used to complete you, that which connected you to the child you were, you close the door to that part of your being that would not be inaccessible to you and the world anymore. You just turn your back and walk ahead because you know there is no other option. You grow up, with the good, the ugly, the imperfect, that which is for you, and that which was never meant to be yours! You learn the idea of ideal was hogwash, and people were right it does not exist! Disillusioned but having a clearer picture of life, you plunge headlong into life hoping to make the most of it, hoping to stay afloat.

Glad You hurt me the worst way possible. Because only You could have taught me this one last  lesson about life. I have learned, loved and lived so much with you but it is time to make peace and to leave you behind and walk on.

Adieu

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

To be or not to be...

There are times when time catches up with you even when you have always prided yourself to be in sync with life. This when you believe that you are where you always wanted to be. Time that makes you question the choices that you have made, the people you have shared your world with, the life you have created for yourself. Sometimes the process of deliberation brings you face to face with reality which leaves you quite unsure of yourself.

When I see people getting married, celebrate togetherness, welcome a loved one in their life or add another year to a relationship I wonder what gets these people going? I would want to believe in happy endings even if they take their own sweet time; be it the dream job or getting together with the loved one. I know I have some real life examples right in front of me but the practical self that I am, I know not always it works out that way and yes life is unfair like that. The trick to dealing with the changes is to probably make peace. But what do you do when even if you were receptive to an idea but do not believe in it? It is like marriage or relationship; I believe in them but I have no faith in them. Paradox? hogwash? Yes, but then that's me! I guess I think this way because I cannot let myself trust anyone, it is as if trusting is letting people have an access to me, the me they can easily destroy with a snide remark or ignorance or slight. So really how do you live without having that one person you can just be with, without a worry? It could be parents, that close friend or even the loved one. It creeps me out! Parents are not going to be there for ever. Friends will have their life. Loved ones will exist in the periphery and be there when you need them. But what happens when you don't need them but want them around, just to know they are there? It is like those days when I'd just perch myself on His lap, put my arms around Him, bury my face in His neck and breathe in His scent as He would hold me close and I'd feel complete; except I'd know He was mine just the way I was, the way it was, the way it should be, the only way we were always meant to be. Then again this is life, you dont always get what you want, what you deserve or what was yours but temporarily. Like they say, in life shit happens; so what if shit happens ever so often with some!

It's funny how these existential questions put up in my mind and life every other month. Is it because I choose not to act on them or do I not have the courage to do what it takes? This is probably just one of those things I will have to wait out to see when I am really ready to take head on. Am I just going insane or is it just one of those days when going is difficult and breaking down is just a blink away; I will probably never know.