Tuesday, January 21, 2014

To be or not to be...

There are times when time catches up with you even when you have always prided yourself to be in sync with life. This when you believe that you are where you always wanted to be. Time that makes you question the choices that you have made, the people you have shared your world with, the life you have created for yourself. Sometimes the process of deliberation brings you face to face with reality which leaves you quite unsure of yourself.

When I see people getting married, celebrate togetherness, welcome a loved one in their life or add another year to a relationship I wonder what gets these people going? I would want to believe in happy endings even if they take their own sweet time; be it the dream job or getting together with the loved one. I know I have some real life examples right in front of me but the practical self that I am, I know not always it works out that way and yes life is unfair like that. The trick to dealing with the changes is to probably make peace. But what do you do when even if you were receptive to an idea but do not believe in it? It is like marriage or relationship; I believe in them but I have no faith in them. Paradox? hogwash? Yes, but then that's me! I guess I think this way because I cannot let myself trust anyone, it is as if trusting is letting people have an access to me, the me they can easily destroy with a snide remark or ignorance or slight. So really how do you live without having that one person you can just be with, without a worry? It could be parents, that close friend or even the loved one. It creeps me out! Parents are not going to be there for ever. Friends will have their life. Loved ones will exist in the periphery and be there when you need them. But what happens when you don't need them but want them around, just to know they are there? It is like those days when I'd just perch myself on His lap, put my arms around Him, bury my face in His neck and breathe in His scent as He would hold me close and I'd feel complete; except I'd know He was mine just the way I was, the way it was, the way it should be, the only way we were always meant to be. Then again this is life, you dont always get what you want, what you deserve or what was yours but temporarily. Like they say, in life shit happens; so what if shit happens ever so often with some!

It's funny how these existential questions put up in my mind and life every other month. Is it because I choose not to act on them or do I not have the courage to do what it takes? This is probably just one of those things I will have to wait out to see when I am really ready to take head on. Am I just going insane or is it just one of those days when going is difficult and breaking down is just a blink away; I will probably never know.