Monday, March 31, 2014

Noise

Has it ever happened to you that you are faced with a lot of noise and nothing you do blocks off that noise. It's like that buzzing of the mosquito that you know is there but you cant figure out where! It took me a while to realize that its the thoughts that are so noisey that headaches have become a regular, is it that lack of sleep?!

If only there was a memory pill, something that would just delete certain memories. The thing with memories, the more you try and not remember them, the more they keep coming back. Sometimes so vividly, it's as if you are living that moment once again. What used to be a source of happiness and strength is now something that fills me with disgust. No amount of washing self takes away that imprint that seems to be embedded in the skin. You can block your mind, harden your heart, but how do you remove that which touched your soul and is the center of your being? How?! Time just flies as thoughts come thick and fast, clock ticks away ominously and tears blind the vision. Wish there was something that could be done to how things happened! What if i was not naive enough to pursue my childhood notion? Would i be happier today? Would it have been any different, if the person I shared that essential moment of my life was actually someone who loved me and not someone who will be remembered as the one who killed me the way I could never ever imagine?

The existence is so hollow and meaningless. I have no idea what keeps me going! For the first time in life, I realize what is to be really alone, with no-one to call my own not even a notion! I feel silly for all the things I have done in the past few years, I have believed everything that was said to me. Everything that turned out to be a lie; be it about the person i am, or the love that was mine or the bond that was supposed to be there for keeps. At times I wonder how i could be foolish enough to give more than my all to something? Even when I had decided I had had enough I still cared enough, I feel foolish. I have come to believe that if the most important person in my life can turn out to be so wrong, then everyone else can. How do you believe anything any more? How do you know someone wont harm you?

Silence is noisier than crowd, stars keep me company as mind wanders aimlessly as the heart hurts and eyes bleed yet the ordeal does not get over. And there is this strong disgust to any kind of human touch; be it hug from your close friend or a loving caress by Ma or even just a brush of hands in the metro. Could be a phase or maybe I am just losing my mind. Sometimes sleep is the only respite but something that i dont usually have the luxury of enjoying.

All that the heart wants to lie there forgotten, to perish; minutes turn to hours, night gives way to dawn and I get up and do what I am supposed to do. There is almost always another day to brave.

Some more strength, God!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Adieu

We often think, Okay so the worst is over and since I have survived this I can survive just about anything! Then, something happens that nearly kills you, or you hope that this time at least it does and there you are alive, feeling every bit of that pain. Your insides feel as if some plague is eating away your soul and then while you lay there wallowing in self pity and hurt that 'no-one' will ever understand; you realize that good things fall apart because better things will fall into place. No I am not that bright, the quote is by Marlyn Monroe, isnt she just amazing? And to think that we thought she was some dumb blonde! Well then, it's a different topic.

Maturity comes at a cost, sometimes it is your peace of mind and sometimes your innocence! I had lost my peace of mind sometime ago and I lost my innocence too few weeks back by its curator! I think it is rather cruel if your favourite person kills off your favourite childhood notion. While he forewarned you about all the people who were all wrong for you, it turned out as if he was the wrong one! After all even Achilles had one tragic flaw so why would be a mere mortal be any different?! Well it took me a while to even get this funda into my thick skull. But know what? Most often if the realization does not come naturally. It never makes sense even if you have the world screaming it out to you. So well the realization did come through. Tears, anger and murderous rage followed; the mind kept screaming 'You dint really have to lie; had you not I'd still be happy with my childhood notion of You' but then he did lie! And trust me it was the best that could have ever happened to me! When someone lies when he does not really have to and gets caught it is rather humiliating! And you finally see the person in a whole new light! It takes time but you realize what a boon it all is.

The yarkstick you had to measure every new potential crush or even partner suddenly vanishes and for once you see people in all new light! You realize that the ones who have loved you, whom you never gave too much thought because they were not like Him, the ultimate perfection. You see these same people and realize how wonderful they really are because the idea of perfection turned out to be utterly flawed and the imperfection is what completes you. If not love them back you learn to respect and see things in a whole new light. And all those friends with whom you have lost touch with because you would not pay heed to them because they said something that did not sync with what you truly wanted to do that point; start making sense. You look back and feel utterly sad that you wasted about 3 and half years of your life chasing an illusion, you grudgingly grow up. You learn that there cannot be that One person who is tailormade for you. You become somewhat of a cynic but you know it would help you protect yourself. But importantly, you truly let go of that piece of you that used to complete you, that which connected you to the child you were, you close the door to that part of your being that would not be inaccessible to you and the world anymore. You just turn your back and walk ahead because you know there is no other option. You grow up, with the good, the ugly, the imperfect, that which is for you, and that which was never meant to be yours! You learn the idea of ideal was hogwash, and people were right it does not exist! Disillusioned but having a clearer picture of life, you plunge headlong into life hoping to make the most of it, hoping to stay afloat.

Glad You hurt me the worst way possible. Because only You could have taught me this one last  lesson about life. I have learned, loved and lived so much with you but it is time to make peace and to leave you behind and walk on.

Adieu