Has it ever happened to you that you are faced with a lot of noise and nothing you do blocks off that noise. It's like that buzzing of the mosquito that you know is there but you cant figure out where! It took me a while to realize that its the thoughts that are so noisey that headaches have become a regular, is it that lack of sleep?!
If only there was a memory pill, something that would just delete certain memories. The thing with memories, the more you try and not remember them, the more they keep coming back. Sometimes so vividly, it's as if you are living that moment once again. What used to be a source of happiness and strength is now something that fills me with disgust. No amount of washing self takes away that imprint that seems to be embedded in the skin. You can block your mind, harden your heart, but how do you remove that which touched your soul and is the center of your being? How?! Time just flies as thoughts come thick and fast, clock ticks away ominously and tears blind the vision. Wish there was something that could be done to how things happened! What if i was not naive enough to pursue my childhood notion? Would i be happier today? Would it have been any different, if the person I shared that essential moment of my life was actually someone who loved me and not someone who will be remembered as the one who killed me the way I could never ever imagine?
The existence is so hollow and meaningless. I have no idea what keeps me going! For the first time in life, I realize what is to be really alone, with no-one to call my own not even a notion! I feel silly for all the things I have done in the past few years, I have believed everything that was said to me. Everything that turned out to be a lie; be it about the person i am, or the love that was mine or the bond that was supposed to be there for keeps. At times I wonder how i could be foolish enough to give more than my all to something? Even when I had decided I had had enough I still cared enough, I feel foolish. I have come to believe that if the most important person in my life can turn out to be so wrong, then everyone else can. How do you believe anything any more? How do you know someone wont harm you?
Silence is noisier than crowd, stars keep me company as mind wanders aimlessly as the heart hurts and eyes bleed yet the ordeal does not get over. And there is this strong disgust to any kind of human touch; be it hug from your close friend or a loving caress by Ma or even just a brush of hands in the metro. Could be a phase or maybe I am just losing my mind. Sometimes sleep is the only respite but something that i dont usually have the luxury of enjoying.
All that the heart wants to lie there forgotten, to perish; minutes turn to hours, night gives way to dawn and I get up and do what I am supposed to do. There is almost always another day to brave.
Some more strength, God!